bizarreville

Rather than griping and moping about the current shortage of the H1N1 virus vaccine, wily Bizarreville entrepreneurs have decided to get creative, and take things into their own hands.  Burning the midnight oil in their Disease Labs, a consortium of pathologists, medical professionals, and unemployed auto workers who happened to be staying at a nearby Holiday Inn Express came up with an alternate solution:  dubbed the F1Y1 vaccine.

Normally flu vaccines use dead virus bugs in their formulation, which develops an immunity to the new virus entering the body.  The consortium has a different idea:  “Screw that whole dead virus thing.  People just end up getting sick and sitting all night on the crapper anyway.  We don’t mess with any viruses: dead, alive, suspended animation, none of that funky stuff.”

The consortium used some out-of-the-box thinking in their approach to the problem.  They figured that the virus entering the body looks for something to feed on…why not provide some “special” virus food that will make them nauseated, and render them ineffective?

They devised a witches’ potion made up of select ingredients:

• Warm, ripe prune juice from a discarded junk refrigerator
• An old can of skunked Schlitz Malt Liquor
• Ground-up ultimate nachos with extra refried beans
• Jello
• Hair from a Rogaine user
• A pinch of magic dirt from the Notre Dame football stadium
• Perspiration from a hardworking congressman (very rare)

It’s still technically in Beta stage of development, but early results look promising, and no one wants to wait.  And the good news is that, unlike the obscure unavailable H1N1 vaccine, the F1Y1 has been made in truckload quantities, ready for immediate administering.  Hazardous material vouchers have already been processed so that deliveries can begin.

One reported side-effect is the pungent odor that emanates from the pores of the newly vaccinated for 2-3 days.  When asked about this phenomenon, the consortium spokesman said, “No surprise.  What did you expect….hyacinth?”

NOTICE:

Has anyone seen my grampaw Harry?  He turned up lost a while ago, after he ran away from home.  We did not feed him very well, so that’s why he may have run away.  He smells pretty bad, especially when his fur gets wet, and probably desperately needs a bath.  He doesn’t lift his leg, so he ends up going on himself each time.  We used to think he was pretty harmless, but lately he’s been known to bite.  If he starts snarling and barking, better back off before he starts chewing on you.  He’s a grizzly, ornery old goat, but we still love him and want him back.  He probably has identification on him somewhere.  If you see him, please return him before he hurts innocent people and/or does more damage.  Thank you.

The Nevada family

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels.  Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit.   Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here.  Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.

Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor.  The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators.  The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf. 

Police authorities want answers.  They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place.  They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it.  We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’.  Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.” 

When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded,  “Are you really willing to take that risk?”

Top Execs of bailed-out firms have filed a grievance with the Bizarreville Dept of Labor over recent government-induced CEO pay cuts.  A second grievance was filed over bonus cuts, and a third grievance over perq cuts.

The final straw was reached when the CEO of Flummox Inc. was told he had to get rid of his company-paid chauffeur and associated stretch-Hummer limousine.  “Now how am I supposed to get to work?  Walk?  Hitchhike??  Ride the bus???”

He has been on a frustration rage for months ever since the Federal Perq Czar stormed the Flummox main office, and padlocked the executive restroom.  The CEO, Mr. Smellman, was forced to walk down a fairly long hallway, down to the regular employee restroom, and go next to the common employees of the firm.  Reportedly Smellman went ahead and used the Handicap stall for privacy and extra space, forcing Mervin Shelfer – a true handicapped person –  to have to wait about 10 minutes, holding it in.  Shelfer exclaimed, “Let him have his john back, for crying out loud.”

Other Bizarreville execs have been similarly throttled, and are mad as hell.  “What’s next…our personal stationary and private secretaries?  This is ridiculous…next thing you know, they’ll start shutting down our regional conference centers in the Poconos and the Ozarks.  You know, those areas are incredibly over-populated with deer, birds, and fish…has anybody thought of that?  Has anybody thought about the unintended consequences when you start shutting lodges…I mean, conference centers down?  Does anybody care about those poor animals?  I can answer you that….NO.”

Another exec chimed in:  “How are we supposed to entertain our customers now?  I just heard they’re not even allowing us to have our Customer Appreciation Golf Fests anymore.  Zip, gone.  What’s next…cancelling our 3-day customer sales events at Tahoe?  C’mon, give me a break.  Who’s going to answer the phone when those customers start screaming ‘where’s my Vegas trip’…the Perq Czar?  I don’t think so.”

The Dept of Labor informed the execs that, unfortunately, there is actually no legal process for them to file their grievances, nor get any kind of restitution.  The Dept did agree to accept the grievance letters, and put them in a file under Miscellaneous/Other.

Cuban Coast Guard authorities report that Michael Moorebird, famous socialist/marxist whacko film director and less-famous tour guide, has been rescued from the Caribbean Sea 20 miles north of Cuba.  He remains in serious but stable condition at Cuba’s El-Crudmo hospital, after taking in much salt water and being nibbled-on by a large tuna.

Mr. Moorebird, somewhat delirious, claims that his fellow tourists just threw him overboard, after they were allegedly very disenchanted with the Cuba Commie Cruise he sponsored.  “They were really torqued-off for some reason…I don’t know why.  I mean, I thought it was a great time, but some of them got pretty radical after 3 days of eating slightly stale bread and slightly off-color water…and, well, living in squalor.  I thought we were all comrades-in-arms, exploring enthusiastically this wonderful socio-economic system.  I guess I was wrong.”

Wrong indeed.  Cruise passengers reported that Moorebird lied and misrepresented the cruise as a “fun trip”, then basically scammed them out of their money.  “Fun?  It was freaking Gross-town, Filth-adelphia, Pittsburgh…oops, sorry about that.  Anyway, we tried to get our money back, but Moorebird just laughed and laughed, then said:  F$#!@ You.  Next thing I knew, he was yelping in the water.  I think he may have slipped on the wet deck and fell in…who knows?”

Moorebird says he’ll do it again, but may wait a few years.  “People just aren’t ready for it yet.  They’re not as enlightened as me.  They can’t see all the good, like I can…they just can’t see the beauty inside the filth.  It’ll just take time.”  Cuban medical people are also testing him for brain damage.

Introducing a new product from your friends at Bumco Inc.:  The Afghanistan Waffler.  Heartily endorsed by the Bizarreville Homebodies, Cooks, and Appliance Users Association, this waffle maker is all-new, imported from Afghanistan, with features not offered by any competitor in the past.

The beauty of this machine is that you just don’t know what you’re going to get.  You throw some or all the ingredients into the unit, spin the temperature dial a couple times, and just let it go.  Might get a pancake, might get a danish, might get some kind of weird muffin-thing…might get a lump of burnt charcoal.  Some customers claim they got something resembling the consistency of a Christmas fruit cake…oooh, yummy.

And that’s what makes it fun for the whole family…the anticipation and surprise of it all.  The unpredictability.  The unit has a setting on it for “Plain Waffle”, but guess what?  It lies.  It never intended to give you a plain waffle.  Ha, ha, ha, ha…what a riot!  Surprisingly, many customers continue to select the Plain Waffle option, even though they know full well that it does not work.  Durrrrr…it takes all kinds.

So pick up an Afghan Waffler at your favorite discount store or buy direct from the factory at www.ErrrrUhUmmmCoughCough.com.  Hurry before it’s no longer available.

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind.  Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything?   They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices.  In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly.  But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another.  “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn?  Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is.  How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works?  I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs??  Oh, please.  Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them.  It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on.  And the point is:  this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background.  “No.  That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school.  You need educated people?  Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background.  “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.”  The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler.  “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing.   Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it.  My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?” 

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal.  It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.

Suddenly, its seem there is a nouveaux love affair with the bizarre teachings of Mao among some of the Port tack whacks.  Mao?  Killer of millions of his own people?  That Mao?  Huh?

Turns out, it was all a big mistake.  They weren’t quoting that nutball Mao…they were quoting Delwood Mou, the old red-neck who lives down at Slobson Creek.  Yeah, that guy.  The one who once said:  “Showers?  Baths?  Who needs ’em?  What a waste of our precious water resource!”  Or who said, “The only thing those f#&@*!  deer understand comes from the barrel of a gun.”  And…”When you put the power in people’s hands…well they’ll probably just fart if off.”   And finally, “Class stuggle is a problem in society… because some people like to go to classes, and others like me like to ditch.”  That Mou.

Mou is garnering more and more followers to his profound teachings.  He wrote a book chock full of his favorite sayings, but he forgot and left the original manuscript in a public restroom at the bus station.  Next morning:  gone.  He put out a $3 reward if anyone found it, but so far, not so good.  But with all these Libs now quoting Mou, he thinks the manuscript may surface.

Mou got much of his material…the provocative sayings, philosophy, and pretzel logic…from his grandfather, Papa Hooma Mou, who was a deeply religious preacher and part-time bass singer in a funky country music quartet.  Critics called the elder Mou “off key”.  The elder Mou would often bellyache about large corporations and capitalism.  They say that he was bitter, ever since being fired from Flummox Inc. for excessive absenteeism, sleeping on the job, general laziness, and using bad language.  “No way did I ever use bad language,” Papa Hooma Mou replied.  “I was flippin’ railroaded.  And that’s the problem with big companies…they’re out to fire all their workers…constantly on the look-out for who can we fire next?  They all need to be put in jail.”

When asked if he would prefer socialism, communism, marxism, or fascism as an alternate, old Mou would answer: “Sure.”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs.  It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax.  If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements.  If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons.  It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out.  Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options:  the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month.  Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In.  But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points.  But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday.  This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed.  Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway?  What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something?  We need to expunge that day for sure.”  Others chimed in,  “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest?  Who harvests anymore?  We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket.  I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves.  Yeah, that’s been good.”  Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants.  Stay tuned.

Headline only.  More information to come.