bizarreville

Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer.  Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?

Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised.  “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country.  If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.

“This would create 2 problems:  First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale.  Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition.  There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.

“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers.  There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point.  There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’.  It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again.  And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.

“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step.  The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation.  I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”

Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis.  He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.

A new, venture-capital financed startup is emerging on the scene to take full advantage of the new Bizarreville Health Care program – Placebo Brothers Medi-quirk (PBM).  The company will focus on development and marketing of new/better placebos which will be sold stand-alone, and also mixed in with generic drugs to reduce the cost of an average 30-day prescription.

Elmer Squirp, Marketing Director for PBM, says that studies have shown that most patients can’t tell the difference between real medicine and placebos.  Sprinkling in 25 to 30 percent placebos into a prescription will be unnoticable to Joe Average out there because the placebos will look and taste like the real thing.  Squirp says, sure Mr. Average may take a day or two longer to get over his ailment…but what’s the diff?  Furthermore, the placebos will allow the body’s own natural defense mechanisms to better kick-in, to attack the problem.

Squirp went on to say that the PBM principals presented their intriguing proposition to a group of elite liberal senators who promptly fell in love with the concept, and diverted a quick billion of stimulus funds to finance the venture.  “They told us this fits right in with the new government-run Health Care program, and helps reduce the multi-trillion dollar deficit that the Health Care program will be creating.”  The placebo program will also be properly rubbed in the noses of the prima-donna brand name drug companies and their high and mighty arrogance.  Squirp said that the Era of the Brand Name Drug, with their high-cost, smoke and mirror research and development mumbo jumbo, is quickly coming to an end.  PBM will be there to fill in the pill gap, so that the country will not run out of pills to take.

Critics say that this is yet another example of the “dumbing down” of the world’s greatest health care system, and turning it into a system that any 3rd world country would be proud of.  But PBM officials reply that patients are already dumb, they don’t read the labels or check out the side-effects on the Internet sites…they just pop the pills, brainlessly.

Meanwhile, the new PBM Marketing department is busy combing through 19th century advertisements for various snake oils and magic elixers, the golden age of chicanery.  They plan to roll out a separate product line of placebos touting it can ‘cure all ills of mankind, invigorate the soul, and reduce gas pressure’.  PBM expects to roll out the new line, tentatively called ‘Shmunx’, by Spring 2010.

A special task force was formed last week to develop workable solutions and countermeasures to halt the growing fear of Sarah Palin in Bizarreville’s left wing community.  Even the nighttime TV talk show comic hosts can be seen sweating profusely when joking about her, prompting complaints from their guests about the host’s BO during the couch interviews.  “He might need to take a quick shower during commercial break…either that or start joking about someone less fearful during the monologue.  If not, I’m wearing a clothespin on my nose next time,” cracked one Hollywood actor recent guest.  “Hey, even I start sweating in the Green Room when her name comes up…almost caused me to forget my pitch lines for my upcoming movie ‘Brokebutt Mountain’.  Geez.”

Clearly, Sarah’s radical ideas of small government, accountability, fiscal responsibility, family, and patriotism do not play well in the left corners of Bizarreville.  The small government argument, in particular, seems to fan the biggest fear flames.  “We have worked for generations to create a huge bureaucracy.  Our gampaws and great-grampaws fought tooth and nail for every little new worthless agency, new goofball department, new half-baked program, new flaky handout.  Are we going to let all their hard work just get flushed down the toilet?  They’d be turning over in their graves, so unproud of our lack of guts to hold the line on these cuts.”

“I’ve heard Sarah talk, and she’s serious, just a little too serious, thank you very much.  I mean the other lame politicians would get up there and blabber about cutting down the size of government…blah, blah, blah, blah.  But we all knew they were just blowing hot air, and that once they got into Power, they’d fall right in line with our fine legacy of knuckleheads.  But I don’t think Sarah’s got the knucklehead in her.  This is a serious, serious threat…let me tell you.”

The task force main focus will be to continue to find absurd ways to make fun of Sarah…the old “make her look stupid, trashy, disconnected” ruse.  Some on the committee are concerned that that card has already been overplayed, and might backfire.  They want some new bold discreditation strategy, even if they have to make stuff up, or stage events.  “The Hollywood community has pledged to help us produce whatever films, videos, or other media to support this Bash & Trash strategy.” 

The task force has committed to issue their report including Marching Orders to the Left Wingers and Left Leaners by their May 1st Holiday.

We are continuing to follow the news story about Michael Moorebird’s ill-fated Commie Experience Cruise to Cuba, as well the arduous ordeals Michael has personally gone through. His story has captured the hearts, while unclenching the stomachs, of audiences throughout Bizarreville.

Michael was released from the Cuban Hospital last week after being tossed overboard by disgruntled vacationers.  But when trying to get back into the country, he discovered that he had lost his passport in the sea.  Michael was categorically denied re-entry.  He desperately tried to make contact with officials, citizens, friends, acquaintances, but no one would claim him or acknowledge him in any way…some claiming they thought he might be a Russian spy.

Meanwhile, Cuban officials, in an attempt to throw poor Michael a lifeline, offered to keep him.  In fact, there was serious talk about making Moorebird some sort of Worldwide Ambassador.  As an enticement, they were going to offer to set him up in a 2-room apartment with its own private toilet, and an office cubicle in the not-so-smelly back area of the National Office Edifice in Havana, very close to the fire escape…in other words, Cuba’s version of the Red carpet.

Michael claims he will find a way to get back into the country and back to his personal luxury estate.  But he admits his whole Commie movement has taken a severe beating recently with all this bad publicity…and he will need to regroup.  First priority may be a quick trip to Hollywood to get some sympathy and support from his fellow pinkeroos, who will most certainly rebuild his spirits and get his March to Marxism back on track.  A lavish gala, perhaps a costume party with a peasant theme (cash bar naturally) might recapture the mood.  Stay tuned.

A group of Bizarreville congresspeople has proposed the concept of Term Limits.  They use the example of 90-year old Congressman Ferbert Clodge, who has been a member for 54 years….longer than most others have been alive.  His decrepid health condition requires an Aide to push him around to meetings in a wheelchair, help him accomplish certain bodily functions in his frequent trips to the Mens room, and read to him Today’s marching orders from the Majority Whip.  The latter is necessary so he knows how to vote, when to pick his nose, what not to say in front of cameras, and when to fart.

“This is an abomination,” commented one of the young members.  “Look at that guy.  He doesn’t know if he’s in Punksville or Skunksville.  The only groups he’s effectively representing are the vegetable groups in your refrigerator.  He tips over in his wheelchair every time the air conditioning system kicks on.  This numb-dumb is the poster child for term limits…or in his case, the poster anti-child.”

Obviously, the dilemma is thinking that incumbents would vote for their own pink slips…particularly after they get used to the lavish life style, bolstered by the lobbyist gift parade.  In the past, even the wide-eyed freshmen took about 14 nano-seconds to get sucked in.

But the new class is sick and tired of this business-as-usual crap, and vows to put a stop to the Rot-in-your-chair policy.  They’re not sure how exactly to do it, but are starting with a national advertising campaign.  The theme is unannounced yet, but sources say it will feature rocking chairs, squeaky bone noises, and dust…..lots and lots of dust.

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.

Many, many years ago on the East side of Bizarreville, an epidemic of weed growth overtook many of the grassy lawns.  The weed outbreak spread from lawn to lawn to lawn very quickly, prompting fear among all Bizarreville citizens.  At Town Hall meetings, people cried out for solutions.  Finally Frank Gorbasluff suggested “Let’s build a wall.  We’ll quarantine off the East side so the weed spores stay over there, and can’t migrate over here.”  The people applauded the idea, and immediately started to work on building the wall.  They also installed checkgates so that Easterners who had weed spores on their shoes could not enter the West side until they took a shower and fully cleansed shoes, socks, and other garments.

But over the years, the wall became a major political issue. segregating the Weedy Eastern Bizarrevillians from the Non-weedy Westerners.  Easterners would call the other side Weed Virgins, while Westerners would respond back calling the other side Weed  F#*^!#*$.  As you can imagine, it became very divisive.

About 20 years ago, President Reagan was passing through Bizarreville on his way to a Bar-B-Q restaurant somewhere.  Reagan heard about the rancor between East and West, and decided to pitch-in and help.  He tracked down the originator of the whole wall idea, and said the famous words, “Mister Gorbasluff, tear down this wall.  Go spray some freaking weed-killer over there, and that’ll take care of it all.  Trust me.”

Of course, as all know, that’s exactly what Gorbasluff did, and the rest is history.  They tore down the wall, double-sprayed with Weed Exterminator Plus, and green grass proliferated.  And East shook hands with West, although both applied that hand disinfectant afterwards…hey, true reconciliation takes a little time.

Rather than griping and moping about the current shortage of the H1N1 virus vaccine, wily Bizarreville entrepreneurs have decided to get creative, and take things into their own hands.  Burning the midnight oil in their Disease Labs, a consortium of pathologists, medical professionals, and unemployed auto workers who happened to be staying at a nearby Holiday Inn Express came up with an alternate solution:  dubbed the F1Y1 vaccine.

Normally flu vaccines use dead virus bugs in their formulation, which develops an immunity to the new virus entering the body.  The consortium has a different idea:  “Screw that whole dead virus thing.  People just end up getting sick and sitting all night on the crapper anyway.  We don’t mess with any viruses: dead, alive, suspended animation, none of that funky stuff.”

The consortium used some out-of-the-box thinking in their approach to the problem.  They figured that the virus entering the body looks for something to feed on…why not provide some “special” virus food that will make them nauseated, and render them ineffective?

They devised a witches’ potion made up of select ingredients:

• Warm, ripe prune juice from a discarded junk refrigerator
• An old can of skunked Schlitz Malt Liquor
• Ground-up ultimate nachos with extra refried beans
• Jello
• Hair from a Rogaine user
• A pinch of magic dirt from the Notre Dame football stadium
• Perspiration from a hardworking congressman (very rare)

It’s still technically in Beta stage of development, but early results look promising, and no one wants to wait.  And the good news is that, unlike the obscure unavailable H1N1 vaccine, the F1Y1 has been made in truckload quantities, ready for immediate administering.  Hazardous material vouchers have already been processed so that deliveries can begin.

One reported side-effect is the pungent odor that emanates from the pores of the newly vaccinated for 2-3 days.  When asked about this phenomenon, the consortium spokesman said, “No surprise.  What did you expect….hyacinth?”

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind.  Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything?   They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices.  In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly.  But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another.  “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn?  Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is.  How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works?  I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs??  Oh, please.  Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them.  It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on.  And the point is:  this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background.  “No.  That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school.  You need educated people?  Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background.  “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.”  The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler.  “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing.   Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it.  My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?” 

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal.  It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.

Suddenly, its seem there is a nouveaux love affair with the bizarre teachings of Mao among some of the Port tack whacks.  Mao?  Killer of millions of his own people?  That Mao?  Huh?

Turns out, it was all a big mistake.  They weren’t quoting that nutball Mao…they were quoting Delwood Mou, the old red-neck who lives down at Slobson Creek.  Yeah, that guy.  The one who once said:  “Showers?  Baths?  Who needs ’em?  What a waste of our precious water resource!”  Or who said, “The only thing those f#&@*!  deer understand comes from the barrel of a gun.”  And…”When you put the power in people’s hands…well they’ll probably just fart if off.”   And finally, “Class stuggle is a problem in society… because some people like to go to classes, and others like me like to ditch.”  That Mou.

Mou is garnering more and more followers to his profound teachings.  He wrote a book chock full of his favorite sayings, but he forgot and left the original manuscript in a public restroom at the bus station.  Next morning:  gone.  He put out a $3 reward if anyone found it, but so far, not so good.  But with all these Libs now quoting Mou, he thinks the manuscript may surface.

Mou got much of his material…the provocative sayings, philosophy, and pretzel logic…from his grandfather, Papa Hooma Mou, who was a deeply religious preacher and part-time bass singer in a funky country music quartet.  Critics called the elder Mou “off key”.  The elder Mou would often bellyache about large corporations and capitalism.  They say that he was bitter, ever since being fired from Flummox Inc. for excessive absenteeism, sleeping on the job, general laziness, and using bad language.  “No way did I ever use bad language,” Papa Hooma Mou replied.  “I was flippin’ railroaded.  And that’s the problem with big companies…they’re out to fire all their workers…constantly on the look-out for who can we fire next?  They all need to be put in jail.”

When asked if he would prefer socialism, communism, marxism, or fascism as an alternate, old Mou would answer: “Sure.”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville.  “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”

Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body.  Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears.  In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice.  Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products.  This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.

Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage.  The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain.  The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need.  The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment.  He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel.  Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says.  He may begin advocating destructive behavior.  It is very, very sad.

Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage.  There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible.  For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures.  Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.