bizarreville

Comments have been flying high and wide analyzing the recent bumbled attempt to set off a car bomb in Times Square this week.  Faisal Shahzad, the alleged nutcase from Pakistan’s Cradle of Nutballs region, used cheap firecrackers, a Dollar Store one buck alarm clock, and a strange combination of quasi-explosives in the muffed attempt.  The mayor of New York called the attempt “amateurish”, while other pundits described it as an “incompetent pitiful bombing misadventure”.  Truly, most have agreed that this bombing attempt was certainly one of the five most pathetic bombing attempts in modern history, and in a tight race with the Christmas underwear bomber for this year’s “Pinto” award.

Shahzad, who was undergoing tough questioning at the nearby Hyatt luxury hotel and spa, was reached for comments during coffee/juice break time.  He strongly objected to being characterized as amateurish.  “I have spent many months in the finest Taliban camps and Al Qaeda s#!t-holes to learn bomb making and explosivology.  I have tutored under some of the most renowned Islamic terrorist trainers who have sent hundreds, no thousands, of suicide bombers to virgin-infested heaven.  I can show you a 10-page resume of mischief experience and wrongdoing that could rival any scumbag you put me up against.  To call me an amateur is an insult to me, my family, and to the entire terrorist nation.  I am a professional.”

The Professional Bombers Association agreed with the mayor and pundits.  A spokesman for the association said that Shahzad is a shahzad, just what his name says:  “In our international brotherhood lexicon, a shahzad is a total bumbling nitwit.  His original name was Mohammed Shlunkmeyer, but his buddies changed his name to Shahzad as a joke.  I guess he never got it.  In any case, he never passed our rigorous car bomber certification test, never paid his dues.”

He went on to say, “Look at his whole bomb set up.  He buys a dirt cheap SUV for 1300 bucks, no navigation system, cheap 4-speaker stereo.  He loads it with artificial fertilizer that any idiot would know won’t work.  The stuff doesn’t even smell like S#!t, for crying out loud!!  How dumb can you be to buy fertilizer that don’t stink?  Then he wires it up like he’s he’s wiring a shlunkfunkler.  Geez, man.  Don’t embarass us professionals by calling yourself one.” 

He went on to say that Shahzad should be locked up, put away for good…but he snickered every time he spoke the word Shahzad.  “Cracks me up, man, cracks me up.”

 Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

A consortium of Mid-East lawyers has announced plans to file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of hundreds of suicide bombers, against Al-Qaeda leaders.  The suit was initiated by a lawyer representing one of the recent 4 bombers who lit off in Kandohar over ther weekend.  The lawyer claimed he was visited by his client’s ghost wearing a fire-retardant outfit, and smelling like a Burger King parking lot, wanting immediate justice.  The consortium spokesman said it would likely be a difficult lawsuit representing so many dead guys, but they were confident in ultimate victory.

The problem, they say, comes down to a breach of promise made to the suicide crazies:  that they would receive an eternal perch in heaven and a bevvy of virgins, in return for their suicide act.  The lawyers say that they have conclusive evidence that these patsies, in fact, ended up in the hottest-stoked grates in hell.  Worse yet, the so-called “virgins” ended up being virgin sheep.

Al-Qaeda lawyers say that there is no such evidence, and that they have been assured by the Council of Islamic clerics that the eternal promises are rock solid and are truly being kept.  They have produced volumes of scripts from prophets and learned theologians as their so-called proof.

But the plaintiffs believe they have a winnable case.  They have conducted hundreds of seances, producing audio tapes and bonefide transcripts from top-notch mediums.  Lawyers claim they have quotes such as “I’m friggin burning up down here,” “These sheep smell really bad,” “My soul is past well-done, turn me over,” and “Hitler sends his regards.”

It is still an uphill battle in getting a judge to hear their case.  Much of the evidence will be considered hear-say, at best.  Cross-examination will be difficult, if not impossible.  And, naturally, the other difficulty would be the lack of a workable remedy.  Stay tuned.

The mayor of Bizarreville has volunteered to move the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial to Bizarreville.  This comes on the heels of hearing that New York City did not want any part in having the trial in their city for cost and safety reasons.  KSM will be tried in Judge John Axmaniac’s court, who has guaranteed a speedy, no-nonsense process, total openness, and a fair outcome.

The judge will actually hold court at the 12,000 seat Bizarro Arena basketball stadium.  The public will be welcome,and will be charged 10 bucks a head for a daily ticket, but each day will include a concert by the Bizarreville Jazz Orchestra immediately following trial proceedings.  Dancing will be available.

Normal concessions will be served, including dogs, beer, cheesy nachos, and other sports-type refreshments.  To simplify matters, all items will be priced at $10 each, correct bills are required.  The concession company will also serve fresh tomatoes that can be optionally thrown at KSM and/or his lawyers if fans don’t like what they see or hear during testimony.  Tomatoes will also be priced at $10 each, but fans can get 3 for $20 or a “frequent thrower” package of 10 for $50.

Film will be taken of the proceedings, and will later be turned into a feature length comedy movie, featuring Bill Murray as KSM and Dennis Miller as his hapless lawyer.  The Director will intermix real trial footage with comedy hijinx to make a film the whole family will enjoy.  Hilarity should reach a climactic peak when they all start throwing food at each other, a newly-trained apprentice underwear bomber gets knocked-out by a flying bench,  while the Judge keeps pounding his gavel until the head flies off and hits the bailiff in his private parts.

On a more serious note, the mayor understands the seriousness of the threat by Islamic terrorists during the trial, so he will have extra security people armed with bazookas at strategic spots near the arena.  Citizens in vans and SUVs will be warned to stay clear of the stadium’s entrances, so that they don’t get inadvertantly bazooka’ed.

As mentioned earlier, the Judge promises a speedy trial process. Much of the prosecution evidence is considered Top Secret, and will just be accepted as factual material without disclosure of details.  Defense has already agreed to not develop lame theories of the case.  And, in a surprising move, the Defense has agreed that during cross exam, prosecution witnesses can answer with a variation on the 5th Amendment, which they affectionately call the “Up yours, you friggin creeps” response to certain questions.

All in all, Bizarreville authorities think this could be a big money maker and are excited to get started ASAP.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down.  And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities.  But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place.  Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up.  Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea.  He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park?  An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world?  Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides.  It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island.  It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls.  The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it.  May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp.  Guests could join right in:  Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals.  Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra?  Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical.  Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time.  Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.