bizarreville

A Conservative and a Liberal walk into a bar.  The bartender tells the Lib that he’s okay to stay, but he cannot serve any nasty, ugly, pompous Conservatives without a Court Order.  The Lib says:  Fine, order the Court a cheeseburger and a Light beer.

How many Tea Partiers does it take to change a light bulb?  Two.  One to screw in the bulb, and a second to whine about the regressive Utility power grid taxes.

Two Conservatives walk into a bar.  One asks the bartender if he has any tea for a Tea Party he would like to organize.  The bartender says: We only serve Long Island Iced Tea in here.  The Conservative says:  Let me taste that…why that’s not even tea, it’s just plain booze.   He drinks the rest, and shakes his head.  The bartender says:  Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all we have.  The two Conservatives leave, cracking up as they walk out the door.  One says: Six more bars like this and we’ll have a good buzz on.

Why did the Conservative talk show host decide not to cross the road?  So as to not look like he was being too sympathetic with the other side, and risk losing half of his fan base.

An environmentalist, a liberal economist, and a Conservative are walking along the street when they see an electric car whizzing by.  The environmentalist says:  There’s a person who is environmentally responsible, and helping avoid greenhouse gases.  The lib economist says:  There’s a person who understands that burning fossil fuel in a dirty internal combustion engine is a big money-loser in the long-term.  The Conservative just smiles and says:  I don’t think they even offer a radio option in that piece of $#!t.

The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>

The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.

Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter.  Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.

News from Russia has just been received that the country does not intend to rebuild the Iron Curtain.  Rumors had been rampant after Russia’s annexation of part of the Ukraine, sending a shock wave across Europe.  Russian officials have tried to calm the situation, stating that such rumors are typical of western journalism malpractice.  Reporters who spread such falsehoods should be placed in front of firing squad, said one central committeeman.

Unidentified insiders have revealed, however, that there is more to the story.  True, Russia does not plan to reconstruct the iron curtain, but that is mainly because of shortages of iron ore in Siberia, as well as shortages of iron workers in the curtain fabrication business.  Sources say that Russia does, in fact, plan to rebuild a wall…but it will be made of animal carcasses, human garbage, radioactive wastes, and other hazardous materials.  Their scientists say that such a wall would have less tendency for people to want to scale it to get out of the country, and would save billions of rubles in border security manpower costs.  Leachate from the piles would be allowed to soak deep into the ground, thereby making tunneling under the wall a dangerous proposition.

Sources say that Russian leaders are looking for profound thinkers of the world to devise a clever moniker for their new wall.  Names that have been considered but rejected so far include the Stall Wall, the Stench Fence, and the Nose-hurtin’ Curtain.  They say that leaders are looking for a name that would be more Churchill-esque.

Meanwhile, satellite photos show a mounting buildup of hazardous nastiness along borders.  The crisis is getting the attention of the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Health Advanced Technologists (WHAT).  When asked by reporters what is the plan, the technologists responded, “No, WHO is the plan.”  Then, when puzzled reporters answered “I don’t know”, the Techies snickered and said “They’re on Third,” then busted out in honky, hyena-like laughter.   The WHAT techies don’t get out much.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least so far.

According to a White House spokesman, the President has just been enrolled in Anger Management classes starting next month.  He reluctantly agreed to do this when several members of his staff conducted an intervention session with him after a recent round of golf.  Shooting a 129 score on 16 holes before giving up on the round after hitting 4 consecutive water balls on #17 had much to do with the intervention action, but the spokesman said there was much more to it than that.

The President has expressed his anger on several recent occasions, sending red flags to staff members.  Most recently, he blew up over the VA falsification scandal, and was rumored to have thrown a tuna fish sandwich at the wall when hearing the news.  Prior to that, he got mad in the Rose Garden about the failed Obamacare website, and promptly place-kicked 3 beautiful flowers.  He popped his cork over the flubs in the Benghazi attack when an ambassador was murdered, and nearly popped a blood vessel when learning about the IRS scheme of targeting conservative groups for intense tax audits.  Staffers claimed that there was no one who was more outraged than the President during these screw-ups on his watch.  This became a serious warning flag to Insiders who knew that there were so many other crazy angry nutso’s in the world who would have seemed to be angrier than the President on any of those issues.

It was one thing to exhibit a sort of faux-anger about issues on the job…quite another matter to get so kooky angry over a damn game of golf.  At one point during the round, after failing to get out of a shallow sand trap on the 3rd occasion, he bent his sand wedge into the shape of a pretzel…not an easy thing to do for a person with normal human strength…unless, of course, the adrenaline was running at extreme flows.  A Secret Service agent was not able to return to club to shape, and thereafter, the President played bunker shots with a 4-iron.

Doctors say that conditions like this are treatable with a combination of group therapy, and either ample doses of alcohol or medical marijuana.  The spokesman said that the President is considering his options…but points out that, in younger days, the latter seemed to be fairly effective.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that might seem plausible.

The Association of Punks, Thugs, and Hoodlums (APTH) has announced plans to file a discrimination lawsuit in the Bizarreville District Court.  For years, APTH has complained that they have been isolated from society, never considered an official “protected class”, and had to put up with disparaging joking from handicapped people, LGBT people, ethnic minorities, and others chiding them for their exclusionary status.  The joke has now gone too far, and APTH is going on the offensive.

The most recent incident that ignited the brouhaha was when 3 knife-wielding thugs got thrown out of Melford’s Bar for rabble-rousing, threatening customers, and failing to lift the seat on a family unisex restroom commode.  The bartender told them that they don’t serve punks like them, and promptly had the bouncers throw them out on their respective ears into the back alley.

“Punks like them?!?” a spokesman for APTH exclaimed.  “What does that nimrod bartender really mean when he says ‘Punks like them’?  What is he trying to say?  I’ll tell you what he’s trying to say.  He’s saying just because some booze pouring bozo does not like the look of a man’s knife sheath, or the colors of this tattoos all over his face, or maybe just his armpit smell…he thinks he has the right to discriminate.  Well, that should not and cannot be allowed to stand.”

During their interview, the 3 victims said that, in the past, they would have just started throwing chairs, overturned pool tables, tossed beer cans, and beat up a few arbitrary innocent patrons.  But that time has long since gone.  Now they prefer legal remedies.  One victim said he was going to hold-out for free drinks at that bar for a full year.  His thug buddy nudged him, and suggested he set his sights higher…three years…hell, why not four?

The owner of the bar said he was considering just converting the establishment into a sanctioned gay bar, where discrimination against all non-gays was perfectly acceptable and lawful.  He said he could no longer afford to pay for a lawyer who charges him $400 per hour, including the time he spends on his crapper, and needs to go to some kind of Plan B.

APTH attorneys agreed that Melford could employ the Gays Protection Law to keep his clients out of the bar…for now.  But he said that might be the next lawsuit in the works, where punks and bullies could once again be free to beat up anyone, no matter what their sexual orientation was.  Freedom is all they want.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

Attention Obamacare Shoppers:

You have been frustrated, waiting and waiting to be able to get service at the crippled Obamacare website, right?  Then, when it looks like you finally get a connection, you get dumped into a cyber-waiting room for endless hours.  Meanwhile, your previous insurance company has cancelled you, leaving you buck naked from a health coverage standpoint.  A crying shame.

Well, now the wait is over.  The administration has contracted with Health Care Liquidators Inc. to offer citizens whose health care programs have been obliterated a special deal:  pre-owned health care coverage at discount prices.  This new program has been certified by the Obamacare Death Panel Oversight Committee, and promises that the certified pre-owned coverage will be just as good as new coverage.  The committee guarantees policy owners can keep their old doctors…provided those doctors are registered with the Health Care Liquidators network and are willing to accept the discounted fee structure.

These policies have just come from owners, like yourselves, who bailed when Obamacare looked to be the new fad.  Some pre-owned policies have slight cosmetic damage.  Whereas they might not look attractive to purists, or have the fabled new policy smell, they will still function adequately in most situations.  Administration officials have said, “Hey…it’s better than nothing.”

Be one of the first to enroll in the Certified Pre-owned Health Care policy program, and you will be automatically enrolled in a drawing for a free 4-slice toaster.  The toaster slots are wide enough to jam bagels, texas toast, even hot dog buns.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least so far

Recently, a convicted kidnapper and rapist who had fully admitted guilt in trial was found hanged in his prison cell.  The story of his disgusting crimes and trial had made national news, so the hanging was deemed equally newsworthy by the Bizarreville national press.  Meanwhile, officials at the prison were under heavy pressure to do something about it, and not just sweep it under the rug…not realizing the fact that there were actually no rugs at the prison in question, and very few brooms, for that matter.

The prison warden, after fully assessing the situation with his staff, decided to do something about it.  They decided to issue ropes to every hard-core prison inmate, install load-tested hooks in every cell, and equip each cell with easily kick-out stools.  Doing this would alleviate the perplexing problem of the inmate having to fiddle with a darn bed sheet to somehow tie a noose, while looking for something/anything to latch onto in the sparsely-equipped jail cell.  One junior-level prison official suggested they provide ropes in an array of designer colors, so that the inmate could choose a rope that would look non-clashing with his prison garb in the aftermath photos.

The warden speculated that if the concept was adopted nationwide, it could save the taxpayers billions of dollars in costs of caretaking the scoundrels and dirtbags for the rest of their lives.  He viewed it as the most humane thing to do, particularly for the 100-year and up sentences, and a win/win for both sides.  He further speculated that the ropes used in the incidents might be able to be sold at high prices to collectors, depending on the notoriety of the deceased.  He said if they did it at his prison, it would free up his budget so he could feed the rest of the inmates upgraded beef cuts on Taco Night at the prison.

“The long-termers are looking for a quick way out of their hopeless situation,” said the prison warden, a veteran of 31 years at the prison.  “What’s the point in holding them in this dump for 30, 40, 60 years?  There’s a warm spot waiting for them on the other side.”

Some liberal groups have already started protesting the move, calling it barbaric…something they would have expected to see in the Middle Ages…thought up by some guy named Igor, the town’s resident hunchback.  The warden was offended by that comment, indicating that Igor was the name of his new grandson, and did not appreciate the jinx that he might develop a lumbar problem in the future.

The Head of the Bizarreville Bureau of Prisons Thug Division said they would take the proposal under advisement.  They have been concerned about the rising cost of inmate Health Care with the new government requirements, and this initiative could conceivably offset the increases.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so ridiculous that they could almost be true.

The Bizarreville War Council met 3 days and 3 nights on the wrenching issue of whether or not to go to war with Sycolia.  The Defense Secretary, reflecting the views of the heads of all the military branches, wanted to nuke the bloody a-holes.  He knew, through all his years of military experience, that the only way to send a message was to send the Miracle on 34th Street Santa Clause letter barrage version.  Timidity was for sandbox players…take that back, even sandboxers needed aggression when the sand starts flying.  Besides, their stockpile of nukes was nearing their expiration dates, and needed to be used or tossed.

The other side of the table spoke for diplomacy, negotiation, and light sanctions, at most…and “do nothing” preferably.  They argued that escalating the issue would inevitably lead to a full blown regional war, maybe world war, that no one wanted to see happen.  They understood the war mongers desire to pick a fight, since it had been decades since a full-boat war had been fought.  Human history had shown that wars were needed on some sort of regular basis, and now was probably past due.  But they still could not support a war on such a meaningless basis.

Sycolia was, in truth, a country that almost no one gave a crap about.  The country had no important resources, had no particular geographic value, had no wealth worth plundering.  It was a country that had gotten captured and recaptured over history, with the captors often saying “Remind me again…why did we bother?” just before packing it in and leaving.  The habitants of Sycolia were an unruly bunch of radical nimrods who could only be peacefully managed by a tough no-nonsense ruler who excelled at herding cats.  They had such a ruler now.

The world-caring problem bubbled up when the ruler began using weapons of mass-disgusting on his own people.  If he had shot the mobs of protestors with machine guns, frankly, no one would have cared.  But when he started using catapults loaded with piles of human excrement…well, that was beyond the pail.  Dozens and dozens of protestors began uncontrollably vomiting, choking to death in a scene of indescribable disgustingness.  It was no wonder it grabbed world attention.

But for the rest of the world, the attention was limited to firm scolding.  No other country was willing to escalate it into a s#!t war coalition.  No one else seemed to really care about what Sycolians did to each other, and would prefer to just change the channel rather than watch the play-by-play.  Bizarreville would have to go it alone if it wanted to confiscate these evil weapons.

The President claimed he wanted to review the options with congress, but they were still adjourned for their 2-month summer break.  He had petitioned them to reconvene for this vital national crisis, but most just laughed.  “Put me down for a No,” several emailed from their beach houses.

The President indicated he would go forward without the support of congress, the public, the allies, friends, family, colleagues, world opinion, or his barber.  He said that his pedicurist supported his position, but was not sure if it represented her understanding of geo-politics or just wanting a bigger tip.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Names have been changed to protect the incompetent.

The line had 100 people in front of him.  One hundred bodies fuming from having to wait for one of two highly unmotivated, thoroughly discharged clerks to finally get to his or her number.  “62,414” blared the loudspeaker.  Was this the number of people this week?  This month?  He looked at his ticket…62,513, now only a mere 99 shmucks to wait for.  This was just to get a damn drivers license renewal…not an unemployment compensation check, or a donated kidney, or anything that made more sense to be waiting for.  The photo camera must be on the fritz or something.  Why else would there be such a nonsensical queue?

He thought himself to be better than the shlubs and shlubettes that were supposed to be in long lines like this.  After all, he was a prestigious lawyer who became a congressman, with a law practice on the side, not some ordinary Joe.  Joes, yes, they should wait in lines.  They had much less important things to do today…hey, maybe this little exercise was the highlight of their drab day.

He thought back to the old days when his life was more drab…back to the days just after graduating college with no job offers in his field of study.  A friend of an uncle had convinced him that Entomology was the hot career of the next century.  Fact is: he truly did thoroughly enjoy his Masters thesis work researching/examining the Eating Habits of the Housefly.  But, sadly, no corporate recruiters seemed to make the seemingly obvious connection on how this unique skillset could help guide them on their roads to excellence.  Vinnie Shlango did, however, when he offered him the pizza delivery job, instructing him to get creative in devising clever diversions to keep those nasty flies from buzzing the pizzas in the back of the van.  Even that drab job had its interesting moments.  Never did quite figure out if it was the pizza itself or the diversion that caused so many customers to complain.  Could have been the box made of recycled paper…who knows what sleazy components could have gone into that mixing tub?  62, 415 squawked the speaker.

Maybe he would introduce a bill into congress to address this ridiculous bureaucratic nightmare of simple license renewal.  Could be a tough sell to his colleagues who tended to favor complex bureaucracy and dismiss simplicity.  This was the organization, after all, that figured out how to make the Postal Service less efficient, more customer un-friendly, and more costly…accomplishing what was known as the “Trifecta” in their little circles.  The Licensing function clearly already had 2 of the 3 legs, and probably just needed a fee redoubling to get the third.  62, 416.

He was gradually becoming a convert to the notion that people wanted rules and procedures, not so-called freedom.  Freedom meant unfairness to many people, giving free rein to exploiters to run amok and trample the exploitees.  Thinking back, hell, even Vinnie was a friggin’ exploiter, demanding a cut in all his delivery boys’ tips to “help pay for gas.”  All that Econ 101 Milton Friedman Free to Choose malarkey was just capitalist propaganda, assuming that people were smart enough to make their own wise choices.  Ha, wishful thinking!  These were people who struggled on whether to watch the NFC or AFC game of the week, let alone make decisions on whether to put in an extra hour on the job, or sign up for a course to advance their education.  62, 417.

A lady’s voice came across the loudspeaker saying that the office would close in 15 minutes, and that all those with numbers above 62,426 could come back tomorrow when the count would resume.  She apologized for the long wait, saying they were just shorthanded today, and maybe it would be better tomorrow.  She encouraged everyone to not lose their ticket, or else would have to get a new number at the back of the line.  One line-waiter got frustrated and belligerent, yelling out “This is bull$#!t.”  Within 3 seconds, a security officer confiscated his ticket and whisked him out the door.  A hummmm resonated through the crowd.

The congressman pulled out his Blackberry and sent a message cancelling all meetings for the next day, and putting meetings the following day on tentative hold.  Trifecta potential for sure, he thought.  62, 418.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Nothing in real life could be this crazy.

The Bizarreville Congress has left to take a well-deserved vacation after months upon months of difficult, physically demanding wheel-spinning, accountability dodging, high horse riding, wagon circling, and ball fumbling.  Anyone who has ever ridden a bicycle knows how much energy it takes to overcome a rider who is continually dragging his feet…it can be extremely tiring.  Add to that the mental stress/strain of people who really and truly want to make important things happen, but are just too stupid to figure out how to do it.  Grueling.

“People who call us a bunch of lazy, good-for-nothing sleep walkers do not begin to understand the tough physical and mental challenge of our jobs,” one Bizarreville congressman commented.  “Take Immigration Reform…imagine yourself sitting through days and days of all-day meetings, debating the same crap about border security walls, pathway to citizenship amnesty, and local enforcement crazies over and over again ad nauseum.  You tell me anyone who would not desperately need a month long vacation after that torture.  Brother, you won’t find anybody.”

Some have argued that they should take the rest of the year off, talk to their constituents, contemplate their navels, hit the beach, and come back with some sort of notion on what to do.  Others have said, if they did that, most would probably get accosted by their citizens, left beaten-up in roadside ditches, and not make it back for the next round of votes.

One congressman had a novel idea, suggesting that the public just give them all “early retirement” packages, just like corporations do to rid themselves of deadwood.  “We need to embrace the Best Practices from our friends in Free Enterprise, rather than trying to always reinvent the broken wheel ourselves.  I would be willing to be a guinnea pig, or trial balloon, and accept a package myself.”  Unfortunately the congressman dozed off before he could complete his thought process.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Some seem a little more real than others, though.  Notice:  Get ready for our all new book, “Bizarreville Campfire Stories”, available at Amazon.  It is a collection of 36 fun stories of hyjinx and satire, the kind of stuff you will love.  More coming soon.

The Immigration and Naturalization Bureau announced early this week that they have issued a Halt on all immigration applications from the country of Funquat.  This comes at the heels of the recent terrorist attack from 2 members of the Funquat Neo-Quackism cult that injured hundreds of innocent pigeons and 3 dogs, some critical,  in the Stoolville Park incident.

Funquat officials have vehemently objected to the ban, stating that the Neo-Quackism sect is not at all representative of their citizens.  They did admit, however, that they were sympathetic to 97% of all their twisted beliefs, including such things as turtle jihad, nostril hair curling, and wiping prohibition.  But they said they are generally not sympathetic to the really weird stuff like public sport-belching.  The officials did admit no love of pigeons, while saying the potential loss of dog in the recent incident was an unfortunate collateral outcome.

A group of Ex-Funquatees living in Bizarreville organized a peaceful protest at the University, but were promptly hauled away by police and loaded onto boats headed back to Funquat with their green card cancellation notices.  The protestors objected, crying that the new law said nothing about deportation.  But the Police Chief said “Tough S#!t.”  Reporters were shocked at the use of such political incorrectness, but the Chief responded that there was room on the boat for a couple more knuckleheads, which could include reporter-types.  One reporter was grabbed, but he managed to slip away and scamper for the hills, tossing his notebook toward a garbage can, but missing it badly.

Most citizens exhibited joy to see a much overdue aggressive approach to this long-time menacing problem.  One person said that his neighbor was an Ex-Funquatee, who almost never mowes his lawn and always has his garage door open.  He said that he would be happy to personally drive him to the port and help load him on the next boat.  When explained that the guy might be fitted with a suicide bomb vest ensemble, the man retracted and volunteered to call him a taxi.

Administration officials privately warned other rogue nations to get their whacko elements under control, or they would face similar sanctions.  An embassy member from Shlumpistan warned that, if sanctioned likewise, they might just retaliate by nerve gassing their own countrymen.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Surprise, surprise.

In a surprising announcement yesterday, Elmer Shtootz, CEO of Burger World, announced that the company’s restaurants would now be accepting food stamps for all purchases of food items, with the exception of hot apple pies.  He said that it was high time that everyone started realizing that poor people get tired of slaving over a hot kitchen stove just like other people, and need a break once in a while.  Mr. Shtootz revealed that when he was a child, his family had to rely on food stamps and would never take him to a fast food chain to enjoy the occasional greasy burger and fries, let alone a milk shake.  He said he was 30 years old before he even tasted a shake, only to find out that he was lactose intolerant.  He did not elaborate further on that.

Shtootz indicated that all franchisees would also be expected to follow the lead of the company restaurants, and accept food stamps.  Any franchisee grousing would be considered grounds for sign removal.

The Bizarreville Health & Human Services Administration reported that restaurant acceptance of food stamps had been strictly prohibited in the past, but they were willing to allow Burger World to accept them on a trial basis.  The BHHS chief said that many food stamp recipients had complained in the past that it was unfair to have such an unreasonable restriction, and she was getting tired of listening to all the whining and bellyaching.

Another major fast food chain, Snarfburger Inc, has filed a charge of Unfair Favoritism by allowing Burger World to have this exclusive benny.  A spokesman indicated the company would take the issue to the Supreme Court if necessary in order to level the playing field in the burger wars.

One critic complained that this action was just going to make these poor people unhealthier that they already were.  He said that Burger World’s burgers have so much fat that it takes one full pound of meat to end up with a quarter-pounder after cooking.  A BW spokesman said, “That’s baloney.”  It was not clear if he was referring to their new baloney burger which went on sale earlier this month, or just cracking wise.

One reporter asked Mr. Shtootz why the company was not permitting hot apple pies to be covered under the food stamp provision.  Shtootz responded that pies would have to be paid in cash in order to prevent the jumbo-size food stamp customers from loading up 4 or 5 dozen pies and running them out of stock.  He said they were also considering placing a limit on orders of fries per food stamp customer, but for now, were adopting a wait-and-see policy.

“The fries question is a much tougher one to deal with,” commented Shtootz.  “Do you cap it at 5 large orders, but allow unlimited small fries orders?  And where does the medium size fit in?  It’s all just too complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.