August 12th, 2014
The New Iron Curtain
News from Russia has just been received that the country does not intend to rebuild the Iron Curtain. Rumors had been rampant after Russia’s annexation of part of the Ukraine, sending a shock wave across Europe. Russian officials have tried to calm the situation, stating that such rumors are typical of western journalism malpractice. Reporters who spread such falsehoods should be placed in front of firing squad, said one central committeeman.
Unidentified insiders have revealed, however, that there is more to the story. True, Russia does not plan to reconstruct the iron curtain, but that is mainly because of shortages of iron ore in Siberia, as well as shortages of iron workers in the curtain fabrication business. Sources say that Russia does, in fact, plan to rebuild a wall…but it will be made of animal carcasses, human garbage, radioactive wastes, and other hazardous materials. Their scientists say that such a wall would have less tendency for people to want to scale it to get out of the country, and would save billions of rubles in border security manpower costs. Leachate from the piles would be allowed to soak deep into the ground, thereby making tunneling under the wall a dangerous proposition.
Sources say that Russian leaders are looking for profound thinkers of the world to devise a clever moniker for their new wall. Names that have been considered but rejected so far include the Stall Wall, the Stench Fence, and the Nose-hurtin’ Curtain. They say that leaders are looking for a name that would be more Churchill-esque.
Meanwhile, satellite photos show a mounting buildup of hazardous nastiness along borders. The crisis is getting the attention of the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Health Advanced Technologists (WHAT). When asked by reporters what is the plan, the technologists responded, “No, WHO is the plan.” Then, when puzzled reporters answered “I don’t know”, the Techies snickered and said “They’re on Third,” then busted out in honky, hyena-like laughter. The WHAT techies don’t get out much.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least so far.
