bizarreville

The COVID vaccination rate appears to be plateauing around 70 percent, leaving 30 percent of the adult population steadfastly refusing to accept vaccines.  And now, with the emergence of the dangerous Delta variant, hospital admissions have spiked for these unvaccinated hardheads, who still believe the vaccines are unproven in spite of overwhelming data to the contrary.  Communities across the nation are reinstating mask requirements, even for the vaccinated people.  Many people are outraged, and feel that there should be mandatory vaccination requirements instituted for the morons who currently refuse the shots, rather than go backwards on masks.

The Bizarreville Civil Liberties Union (BCLU) has come forward, reminding us that people in this country have the constitutional right to be morons.  It is written, according to the BCLU, in one of the footnotes buried in the Bill of Rights… a footnote that is often not printed in books because the font is so small.  It reads:

“No federal, state, or local government shall have the right to prevent citizens from being morons.  Congress shall make no law restricting moronic freedoms, or limiting people’s fundamental right to be stupid.”

The BCLU also notes that the first draft of the Declaration of Independence originally had the phrase:                    “…endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so long as it did not entail being a moron…”

Of course, that last portion was changed in the final draft, as we all know.  Many historians believe that if the founders would have seen this massive reluctance to take a proven COVID vaccine to help the health of the nation, they would have left the moron thing in the finished document.

Many hospitals are now building Moron Wings to address the new COVID crisis, while also realizing that there will be other epidemics/pandemics in the future that will require medical treatment for unvaccinated morons.  They plan to staff these wings with people who flunked out of medical school, but had at least gained some medical knowledge along the way.  Close enough for the patients in this wing.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, especially the part about wishful footnotes in historical documents.

After totally screwing up last week’s “Town Hall” meeting, the President has told his handlers to not schedule any more public speaking events.  His staff had previously thought that the totally-scripted town hall would be pud for the President to handle.  All he had to do was follow the scripted answers to the pre-selected softball questions, and get off the stage.  Unfortunately, the President got confused, fumbled all his answered, babbled, and looked like a moron.  Even his closest supporters, the national media, admitted that the White House Janitor could have done a better job.

Staff members agreed that the best thing for him to do was to stay cooped-up in the White House, away from cameras, and more importantly, away from microphones.  They suggested that he communicate via Twitter, with all his entries composed by senior left-wing staffers.  They say that the Twitter precedent was already set by the previous President.  And, while the previous President was soundly criticized by the media for using this format, the current President should be able to pull it off by continually showing his wokeness in his messaging.

Insiders also suggest he spend more time at the Delaware White House with the dogs.  Dogs love him, regardless of what he says or does, as long as he keeps feeding them bacon-flavored doggie treats.  They are always there to lick his hand, reminding him that there is someone who still loves him.  But keep those treats handy, pal.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite of what the media says.

One of our best novels to come from Bizarreville Press has just been published:  Fork.  It is a whimsical tale that will take you on a journey to a place not so far away, where the word “Fork” has been banned from public speech due to its sound similarity to other banned f-words.  On top of that, the fork utensil has been banned from public usage after an outbreak of fork-related stabbings that have left many citizens with 4-hole scars in their upper back.  The challenge to come up with a fork-alternative has been left up to Ganky Gizmos, an innovative company that has recently developed a range of clever products.  But replacing the simple utility of the fork will be their biggest challenge yet.  Join them, as they hilariously try to navigate their way through the chaos.

You can purchase the book, easy-peasy.  Just click on the book cover in the right column ——->

The military was put on special alert last week when a strange buzzing sound emanated from the White House.  At first, staff members believed it was a swarm of killer bees, whose eggs may have been sneakily planted by the previous Administration before their departure.  Etymologists were quickly brought in, but were unable to find any killer bees, or any other bees for that matter.

Next, they suspected that there could be an invasion underway by the Chainsaw Liberation Army, a fringe left-wing environmental group opposed to the cutting of any trees.  The President had promised a total ban on tree-cutting during his 2020 campaign, that had gained the support of tree-huggers across the nation.  Thus far, however, he had done nothing to stop sawmills and paper companies from daily harvests.  All areas of the White House were checked; no chainsaws were found.

Finally, the White House Janitor was able to solve the mystery.  He had inadvertently entered the Private Residence, and saw the President sleeping on the job.  Further investigation found the Vice President, the entire Presidential Cabinet, most of the Secret Service and senior staff members similarly sawing logs, in order to show their full support of the President, and follow his lead.

The Janitor was able to grab an air horn in the supplies closet, and blasted it to wake up the dozers.  The buzzing stopped at that time, and the military was able to stand down.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally reported.