As the 2 candidates get ready for their first head-to-head debate, pundits are licking their saliva glands, readying themselves to parse every phrase, every choice of word, figure out how to take it completely out of context, and dream up a creative misinterpretation of the point, while drawing a conclusion on which fringe group or groups will be offended by it. They have hired out-of-work creative Hollywood writers out of failed sitcom TV shows by the dozens to help weave somethings out of nothings…a skill they are certainly proficient at…sparing no expense. Fortunately, the unemployed writers come pretty cheap. Turns out, most are also very good at making coffee and running down to the bagel shop.
At the moment, handlers for Hillary are developing contingency plans in case she passes out, or has a chow-blowing incident on stage. “We’re not saying we think it’s going to happen,” one senior flunkie said, “but given her recent faking-not-being-sick incidents, we must be prepared for a sudden breakdown…especially when Trump starts forcing her to answer real questions…something she has not had to deal with thus far. If she starts doing that weird fake laugh, that is a signal to be ready to move in, stat.”
Meanwhile, Donald says he does not want a lot of prep, suggesting that the audience gets bored to sleep when candidates start popping off useless facts and figures. He said his mission is to keep people awake, and discourage them from flipping the channel to the equally boring Atlanta Falcons Monday night game. He is thinking about tweeting football score updates while Hillary is talking, just to keep himself awake.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.
Special note to Bizarreville Nation: Our new book is now available on Amazon. Lame Duck is the story of 3 fellows in their last week before retirement…a corporate CEO, a renowned medical doctor, and the President of the US…who get wrapped up in a wild, whacky crisis…just as they were getting ready to hit the La-Z-Boy. Make it a gift for a friend.
Ever since realizing his gaffes have gained him popularity at each spouting, Donald Trump has been busy hiring a staff of professional gaffe-writers to come up with new politically incorrect, insulting, and/or offensive blurbs for him to rattle off during upcoming rallies. Most of the gaffe-writers have come from failed TV sitcoms. But Trump has warned that a good gaffe is not the same as a bad joke…so do not use any previously failed punch lines, and pawn them off as political gaffes. Cleverness is important.
Clearly, Mr. Trump has turned his apparent verbal fumbles into an art form, but an art form that apparently only he is able to pull off. Others have tried, but invariably only look like nincompoops…then becoming double-nincompoops when they try to re-spin their failed artwork.
“It’s a naturally born talent,” Trump commented at a Gamblers Anonymous fundraiser in Vegas…throwing another log on the fire of whether some of his opponents are naturally born citizens or not. “It’s like trying to teach an illegal immigrant from Cuba how to play hockey for the Calgary Flames.” That drew hisses and boos from the crowd in the basement of Caesars. But it was certain to gain him at least 2 poll percentage points in the Nevada Caucus, poll experts agreed.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, at least at the time of the writing.
Pundits are looking forward to the future possibility of a Hillary vs Trump debate. Both are unafraid of looking like total a-holes in front of the public, and a televised debate could look like something out of a Jerry Springer show…maybe even with some hair-pulling and kick boxing.
The latest flap has been a barb battle over women’s issues…Trump saying he cherishes women, and Hillary saying, “Then why not me?” Much more firework extravaganza would be anticipated in their respective drives for women’s votes during the campaigns. Trump has flip-flopped a bit over the Right to Choose/ Right to Life issue, ultimately claiming he is in the middle somewhere…while Hillary has maintained her strong position about protecting abortions.
“I can’t help thinking about that poor depressed girl in the Dirty Dancing movie who desperately wanted an abortion so she could continue her summer dancing job, ” Hillary remarked to a crowd. “Would it be better to let her career, her dreams, go down the drain? Are you going to let Donald Trump make those kinds of decisions for you? He’ll probably tell you to get a job as a waitress and shut your pie hole.”
In response, Trump just smirked. “Hillary has a way of touching something deep inside you…deep, deep inside. It kinda reminds me of that fellow on America’s Got Talent who calls himself The Regurgitator. You know, I think he could win it all. He can regurgitate a freaking billiard ball…amazing! Someone told me he grew up in an orphanage in Scotland. Imagine the loss to the world if he had been aborted.”
Ratings between these 2 could skyrocket in a debate. The networks are already pre-selling advertising slots at near Super Bowl prices. Stay tuned.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least until they become fact.
In a surprising development, Donald Trump has surged to a huge lead among Republican hopefuls in the 2016 Presidential nomination race. Recent polls show Trump favored by 22% of likely GOP voters, over double the polling numbers of Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, and the others in the crowded field. His performance in the recent first Republican debate was judged to be horrendous by pundits and various gallery sitters, but his numbers jumped 3 points the next day. Political experts are shaking their heads.
Some say that his recent rise was partly attributable to pissing off different groups of people. For example, he pledged to build an impenetrable wall at the Mexican border and would squeeze the 11 million illegal immigrants to high tail it out of Dodge before he invoked some sort of “You’re Fired” consequence to expedite matters. He even said he would personally use his considerable persuasive skills to make the Mexicans pay for the wall, but might allow them to retain his construction business to do the work at a special discount rate.
Trump would get tough on the Chinese for dumping their cheap products into the US, and force high tariffs on tee-shirts, crappy trinkets, and underwear. He said he would personally go Commando, if necessary, to make the point.
He would plan to anger environmentalists by scaling back regulations and outlawing any further study of so-called global warming, or global cooling, or whatever temperature direction is being dreamed up by faux-scientists. He would advocate a re-training program for ex-environmentalists to help them learn how to do real work.
Trump has gotten world leaders concerned by his expressing that the US needs to get tough. He has said that they need to get rid of stupid people who are in critical leadership roles. Some leaders are nervously worried that those comments are aimed directly at them.
It seems the more people he gets riled, the higher his poll numbers rise.
Other candidates are taking note, and are strategizing with their political consultants on how to mold their own piss-off campaigns. They recognize that this approach is hitting a nerve with the voting public, and that means votes. One campaign chairman, who wished to remain anonymous, said that he had his whole staff working on lists of various groups, whether they be related to physical traits, ethnicity, orientation, disorientation, or special interest, and concocting ideas that would set them off, big-time.
“The trick is not just picking the right group to anger, but picking the particular messages that will really tick them off,” said the chairman. “Selecting a great target, but splashing them with a milky jab could backfire. And that could mean curtains for a campaign.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. If any eventually become true, that would just be coincidence.
A Conservative and a Liberal walk into a bar. The bartender tells the Lib that he’s okay to stay, but he cannot serve any nasty, ugly, pompous Conservatives without a Court Order. The Lib says: Fine, order the Court a cheeseburger and a Light beer.
How many Tea Partiers does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and a second to whine about the regressive Utility power grid taxes.
Two Conservatives walk into a bar. One asks the bartender if he has any tea for a Tea Party he would like to organize. The bartender says: We only serve Long Island Iced Tea in here. The Conservative says: Let me taste that…why that’s not even tea, it’s just plain booze. He drinks the rest, and shakes his head. The bartender says: Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all we have. The two Conservatives leave, cracking up as they walk out the door. One says: Six more bars like this and we’ll have a good buzz on.
Why did the Conservative talk show host decide not to cross the road? So as to not look like he was being too sympathetic with the other side, and risk losing half of his fan base.
An environmentalist, a liberal economist, and a Conservative are walking along the street when they see an electric car whizzing by. The environmentalist says: There’s a person who is environmentally responsible, and helping avoid greenhouse gases. The lib economist says: There’s a person who understands that burning fossil fuel in a dirty internal combustion engine is a big money-loser in the long-term. The Conservative just smiles and says: I don’t think they even offer a radio option in that piece of $#!t.
Take a quick tour of The Obamanation by clicking on the “Tour Guide of The Obamanation” page tab up at the top of this page
During his recent trip to this country, the Prime Minister of Israel was given a first-class snub by the President and his staff. Other loyalists in the President’s party joined in the snubbing which took the snub category from “first class” to “legendary”. This was the first time in modern history that an Administration has achieved the legendary snub designation with a supposed ally.
“We are quite proud of this achievement,” spouted a spokesman for the Administration boastfully. “It frankly took a herculean team effort to get our people properly aligned on the snub protocol in such a short period of time. But it just shows you our commitment and resolve to accomplish things that really matter. We said from the get-go that we would embrace our enemies, understand their plights, sympathize with their struggles, make their struggles our own…while at the same time turning our nose to friends who don’t really need our help anymore. This snub may seem cruel on its surface, but it’s really intended to send a message that you’re okay on your own, and we don’t need your mamby-pamby, cry-baby whining around here anymore. You see now? It all makes sense.”
An Israeli diplomat was asked to respond, but all he could say was, “Huh??”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case that was not obvious.
The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>
The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.
Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter. Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.
Yesterday, police were called to a scene on Bizarreville Boulevard where a crowd of angry geriatrics were protesting police discrimination against old people. Some of the geezers were throwing rocks at windows, but the hurls were so weak that the rocks just meekly bounced off the glass without damage.
Protesters griped that they were constantly being harassed by cops just because of age. One 90-year old said he was pulled over just because he was driving the wrong way down a 1-way street. When he could not remember where he had put his drivers license or registration, he was instructed to get out of the car, then was threatened with having to go to the police station.
Others in the crowd agreed that they had been similarly harassed for piddly things like driving through a stop sign, ramming into a mailbox, or crossing over double yellow lines on high-speed highways.
“It’s profiling, plain and simple,” grunted one codger. “Profiling. And profiling is illegal. And not only that, profiling is illegal. Prorating…I mean, profaning…that is…hmmm, what was I talking about?”
One poor chap retold a story when he inadvertently wet his pants, and some of the fluid dripped onto a sidewalk. A cop eating a damn doughnut nearby asked him to go over and stand in the grass until the dripping stopped, so that the sidewalk wouldn’t turn yellow. Then he went back to eating his doughnut. The old man was humiliated and outraged, and drew the ire of the rest of the protesters, many of whom had similar wetness stories that, up to now, they were reluctant to share.
Another said a cop gave him a hard time when he forgot to put on his pants before going on his morning walk along Main Street. “I had my skivvies on. There was nothing showing. And yet, here was this cop deciding to pick on me for no good reason.”
One angry old man said he had gotten manhandled by a police officer just because he had mistakenly forgotten to pay his food tab at The Diner 3 or 4 times. The cop forced him to go into the kitchen, and told him he was going to have to wash dishes…but backed-off when the old man pulled a C-note out of his wallet. The cop refused to take it, but the old guy said it wasn’t for him…it was to pay the damn tab. “See, there you go. Another cop on the take.” All the protestors nodded in agreement.
The rally broke up at 4:30, when they all said they had to leave and catch the Early Bird specials at their respective favorite eateries. They said they would be back marching tomorrow, if nothing good was playing on TV.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but I’m guessing you already figured that out.
Be on the lookout: The much awaited, much anticipated new book is soon to arrive: The Obamanation, by Robert Thomas. It is a futurescape novel that imagines what the country might be like after you-know-who’s successor takes office, featuring the same crazy satire and irreverent humor you would expect. Should be listed on Amazon within the next day or two…still in time for a last minute stocking stuffer.
The hubbub about the NFL Washington Redskins name and mascot has recently gotten the attention of the Citizens Against Animal Cruelty Society (CAACS). That organization has pointed out that half the teams in the NFL have animal mascot names, all of which are offensive to animal lovers throughout the land. Bird watchers, in particular, have been vocal about the NFL’s disregard for their tender feelings, insisting that name changes be immediately implemented, or face nationwide protests. Lovers of falcons, ravens, cardinals, seahawks, and eagles have all jumped on the band wagon, uniting with the cat family protestors and fish lovers, demanding fast action from the NFL.
The CAACS gas gone so far as to suggest alternate, more inert names that not only eliminate the unacceptable stigma of animal association, but are more representative of the unique cultures of the individual cities. They have proposed a list of alternate team names, including the Chicago Deep Dishes, the Detroit Spare Tires, the Miami Suntan Lotions, the Atlanta Traffic Snarl, the Cincinnati Soap-on-Ropers, the Indianapolis Pits, the Carolina Moonshiners, the Denver Stoners, the Seattle Umbrellas, and the Phoenix Parch.
The initial reaction of the affected teams has been somewhat negative so far. They insist that there have been no complaints from the affected animals, and until they hear complaints from the creatures themselves, they have no plans to make any changes. The CAACS has countered that they have found a person who understands and can translate dolphin language, and will use him as a star witness in the lawsuit, which will inevitably arise in the near future. The society is also on the lookout for bird translators.
The Eagles organization responded that their team name was more an analogy to U.S. currency, as opposed to the bird itself…saying that the name was derived from the fact that their is a US mint in the city of Philadelphia. The CAACS responded, “Fine, then call your team the Philadelphia Two-bits.”
The NFL organization itself has declined comment, adopting a wait and see approach to see how the issue pans out before jumping into the fray. One reporter asked if they should adopt a chicken as the league mascot, but the spokesman said that would just get them in deeper hot water with the CAACS Bird Division.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction and not related to reality, at least not yet.
News from Russia has just been received that the country does not intend to rebuild the Iron Curtain. Rumors had been rampant after Russia’s annexation of part of the Ukraine, sending a shock wave across Europe. Russian officials have tried to calm the situation, stating that such rumors are typical of western journalism malpractice. Reporters who spread such falsehoods should be placed in front of firing squad, said one central committeeman.
Unidentified insiders have revealed, however, that there is more to the story. True, Russia does not plan to reconstruct the iron curtain, but that is mainly because of shortages of iron ore in Siberia, as well as shortages of iron workers in the curtain fabrication business. Sources say that Russia does, in fact, plan to rebuild a wall…but it will be made of animal carcasses, human garbage, radioactive wastes, and other hazardous materials. Their scientists say that such a wall would have less tendency for people to want to scale it to get out of the country, and would save billions of rubles in border security manpower costs. Leachate from the piles would be allowed to soak deep into the ground, thereby making tunneling under the wall a dangerous proposition.
Sources say that Russian leaders are looking for profound thinkers of the world to devise a clever moniker for their new wall. Names that have been considered but rejected so far include the Stall Wall, the Stench Fence, and the Nose-hurtin’ Curtain. They say that leaders are looking for a name that would be more Churchill-esque.
Meanwhile, satellite photos show a mounting buildup of hazardous nastiness along borders. The crisis is getting the attention of the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Health Advanced Technologists (WHAT). When asked by reporters what is the plan, the technologists responded, “No, WHO is the plan.” Then, when puzzled reporters answered “I don’t know”, the Techies snickered and said “They’re on Third,” then busted out in honky, hyena-like laughter. The WHAT techies don’t get out much.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction…at least so far.
According to a White House spokesman, the President has just been enrolled in Anger Management classes starting next month. He reluctantly agreed to do this when several members of his staff conducted an intervention session with him after a recent round of golf. Shooting a 129 score on 16 holes before giving up on the round after hitting 4 consecutive water balls on #17 had much to do with the intervention action, but the spokesman said there was much more to it than that.
The President has expressed his anger on several recent occasions, sending red flags to staff members. Most recently, he blew up over the VA falsification scandal, and was rumored to have thrown a tuna fish sandwich at the wall when hearing the news. Prior to that, he got mad in the Rose Garden about the failed Obamacare website, and promptly place-kicked 3 beautiful flowers. He popped his cork over the flubs in the Benghazi attack when an ambassador was murdered, and nearly popped a blood vessel when learning about the IRS scheme of targeting conservative groups for intense tax audits. Staffers claimed that there was no one who was more outraged than the President during these screw-ups on his watch. This became a serious warning flag to Insiders who knew that there were so many other crazy angry nutso’s in the world who would have seemed to be angrier than the President on any of those issues.
It was one thing to exhibit a sort of faux-anger about issues on the job…quite another matter to get so kooky angry over a damn game of golf. At one point during the round, after failing to get out of a shallow sand trap on the 3rd occasion, he bent his sand wedge into the shape of a pretzel…not an easy thing to do for a person with normal human strength…unless, of course, the adrenaline was running at extreme flows. A Secret Service agent was not able to return to club to shape, and thereafter, the President played bunker shots with a 4-iron.
Doctors say that conditions like this are treatable with a combination of group therapy, and either ample doses of alcohol or medical marijuana. The spokesman said that the President is considering his options…but points out that, in younger days, the latter seemed to be fairly effective.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that might seem plausible.