Archive for August, 2011
August 23rd, 2011 Posted 1:00 am
The President and his crack staff of econo-wizards have looked at the numbers: 10% unemployment, actually 17-18% including the underemployed and people who have thrown in the towel and given up trying. Besides just being concerned, however, the team has decided to take firm action. An Executive Order has been drafted which will require that everything that WalMart sells in this country must be made in this country. No more ugly Chinese tie-dye t-shirts, Indian absorbent cotton jammies, or flabbergammers from Hoogivesacrapistan. All merchandise, whether it be the semi-marginal quality stuff or the cheap, bargain-priced garbage futures, must be made here.
A WalMart spokesman responded that it is not fair to single out one retailer for this Executive Order…it should apply to all or none. She claimed that this Order would force their “everyday low prices” to skyrocket up 30-40%, putting them at a disadvantage to KMart, Dollar Stores, and Fred’s Funktown Econo-village who all carry similar low-end crap. “This could drive us into being forced to sell quality-manufactured goods, a business segment we have no knowledge or expertise in. How can the Administration possibly be expecting us to toss away our successful business model, and plunge into such uncharted territory?”
A spokesman for the President countered that these assertions are not true. “Our citizens can produce the same off-quality and marginally-acceptable merchandise as the Chinese or the Hoogivesacrapians. Maybe even better…or worse, whatever the case may be. The President is convinced that this Order will bring back into the workforce those hordes of workers who haven’t forgotten how to make over-priced, shoddy merchandise, and will be able to quickly regain those fumble skills, piss-poor attitudes, and “close enough, ship it” production behaviors that cannot be easily lost with just a few short years of mindless couch-sitting.
Melvin Farkwarf, a laid-off employee from Stumblebird Textiles and member of the Ironhead Workers United, agrees. “I may have been a lazy, goof-off, unfocused, injury-prone dimwit when I was employed before. But I believe now that I can work without getting hurt. And that’s the main thing. I now have a Can-Do attitude…at least when it comes to some things.”
“All they want is a chance,” CEO Cornelius Stumblebird said. “Just give us a level playing field with those A$$#*les, and we’ll show what we can do. We can make stuff people will buy. Especially if they have, shall I say, limited choices. Wait a minute…is this being recorded?”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.
August 21st, 2011 Posted 2:05 am
Reporter: Sir, what would you say are some of your biggest accomplishments so far?
President: Well….hmmmm….well we killed bin Laden.
Reporter: That’s true. Nice job. Now what about the economy? Unemployment is much higher than when you took office. The dollar is as weak as my grammaw’s bicep, consumer confidence has gone from low to sub-pathetic, the stock market is on the verge of another collapsecution, deficit spending is like an ex-wife’s one last credit card binge.
Reporter: Great. What about foreign policy? Civil wars breaking out in Libya, the Mideast, many countries. We are committing more and more troops with no real mission. Greece, Italy, Spain ready to go to Dumpsterville.
President: Okay. But the world is safer without bin Laden.
Reporter: Right. Let’s get back to your reckless spending…so-called stimulus fiasco that had a profound anti-stimulus impact, irresponsible spending that appears to do nothing whatsoever to help the economy get well but seems to be helping your inner circle buddy system. How do you respond to this utter failure that future generations will curse you for?
President: I believe the stock market went up a couple points when we snuffed-out bin Laden.
Reporter: Maybe. But I was speaking of running up trillions in new deficits that can probably never be paid at the rate you’re going. Debts that are incomprehensible to our citizens and the world community.
President: Will get better now that that nasty bin Laden is gone. Did you see the pictures? Yuck!! It was either kill him or get him a makeover…wow. Makeup, please…better wear gloves. Yikes.
Reporter: Yes, well when will it start getting better? You’ve been in office 2.5 years, Mr. President and all you can say you accomplished is a poached bin Laden casserole.
President: Why do you say “all”? Bin Laden was a big deal. And we got him. Yes we did. Boom, bang, right in the snoot. Poof, gone, swimming with the fishes…glug, glug, glug.
Reporter: Yes, sir. How about job growth? What are you planning to do to get jobs for people who are out of work, have been out of work, their factories closing down?
President: There’d be a lot fewer jobs available if that bin Laden guy was still around. A lot fewer. He would have been bombing factories. But don’t you worry. We got him. Factories are safe once again. Yes…you’re welcome.
Reporter: Simplifying the government? Reforming a government that won’t bankrupt our kids and grandkids? Putting lazies to work? Any thought??
President: Bin Laden, bin Laden, bin Laden. Any more questions? Thanks. That’s a wrap. I gotta take a whiz.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Plain and simple.
August 6th, 2011 Posted 2:19 pm
Leaders in the Bizarreville Congress got very perturbed this week when they learned that Congress’ approval rating reached a new low. But they were even more concerned with the numbers: a zero percent approval rating for the first time in history. Naturally, they responded that there must be an error in the polling procedure…that there is no way that a zero was feasible, at least one person should have said they liked and approved of Congress.
“We’re confident in our reported numbers,” Ogden Murkrud of the Murkrud Poll responded. “In fact, we expanded the number of people surveyed from our usual sample of 2 thousand surveyees to 237 thousand people. But we were unable to find one single person who thought Congress was worth a crap. One fellow, when asked whether he felt Congress was doing ‘adequate’, initially responded ‘Yes’. However, turns out the respondent thought he had been asked if Congress ‘out to quit’. He apologized, and said he needed to change the batteries in his hearing aid.”
Surveyed citizens seemed most upset about the so-called “Nothing from nothing equals nothing” debt/spending deal reached last week, which helped trigger a mega-drop in the stock market. A group of 3rd graders from Stankville Elementary were asked if they could help the President and Congress figure out how to solve the nation’s increasing money problem. “Stop spending so much,” one student replied. “When my pet turtle Freddie started bloating up like an overblown balloon, I thought he was gonna die, with turtle guts spewed all over my bedroom. I was really scared cuz I really like Freddie, even though he kinda stinks. But so, I decided to stop feeding him so much turtle food every day, and now he’s back to normal. My mom just said to keep him on a diet…whatever that is. Anyway, he’s unbloated now. And now he doesn’t even stink so bad.”
Congress is now in recess, and going back to their homes to figure out how to re-boost their approval ratings. One congressman said he’s going to schedule some free bingo tournaments with his constituents. He said he accumulated some great giveaways, procured with some extra earmark funds he had stashed away. ”Freebies always put people in better moods,” he said. “I think I’ll be back up in the 10 to 12% approval rating by September.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you knew that, didn’t you?