Archive for the ‘Leadnerds Spinyerds’ Category
October 18th, 2012 Posted 2:32 am
After the near 3-ring circus performance of the Presidential debate combatants, the Official Debate Commission is burning the midnight oil to determine how to restructure the format and ground rules to make the sessions moderately watchable. Some citizens who sat in the studio audience of the recent debate suggested that the organizers start selling peanuts and marshmallows to audience spectators of this zoo, so they could toss them at the barking penguins on stage. Penguin lovers objected to that characterization.
The debate modulators have been criticized for being totally inept nincompoops, applying second-grade level facilitation performance in stumbling their way through the hour and a half. But both have responded that, in their defense, the 2 participants were not listening, were not behaving, were not showing a modicon of respect. The modulators admitted, however, that they had forgotten that these guys were professional politicians, genetically unable to listen, behave, or show respect…and probably could not even read a clock, to boot.
Improvement suggestions for the last debate have included putting up red flags, trap doors, or electro-shocks to stop the mad debaters from running over their prescribed time limits. One person suggested just shutting off their microphones in mid-blabbermouth when the clock read 0:00, and let them just mime the rest. But both teams have objected to anything that quashes the ability for the candidate to finish making his lumbering freight train of thought. One spokesman likened it to stopping a certain bodily function before full completion, an analogy which seemed to turn the stomachs of all reporters in ear range.
Another concern is the need to address the spews of obnoxious lies each candidate has told on each other. TV networks had tried using a reporter to detect lies and point out real facts, but it turned out that these people were lying too. Competing networks then tried to fact-check the reporters’ lies, but it turned out they were lying just as badly. One Nobel prize winning journalist finally suggested that voters should just forget about truth, facts, policy concepts, or promises, and just focus on the quality of their neckties to decide how to vote in the election. “You can’t lie about tie quality,” he said. “It is what it is. All the spinning in the world cannot cover up an ugly tie.”
A growing fear is the chance that there could be physical interaction between contestants as they heat up. The idea of installing a plexiglas wall between them had been considered, but was rejected as being a bit un-cool. A final idea, initially rejected by both camps but later grudgingly accepted, was to have a 3rd grade teacher sit down with them one hour before the match, and teach/scold them on behaving themselves. Mrs. Farkright of Belfwood Elementary agreed to do it, and promised to have a yardstick handy in case it was needed.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, or so they say…
August 18th, 2012 Posted 3:07 pm
Party leaders are scurrying, scrambling to determine what to do about the Gaffemaster. At first, they tried to figure out how to shut the idiot up. His continuous spew of knucklehead remarks, inappropriate slurs, and bumble-rooskies were seen as embarassing to the entire leadership team, forcing spokesman after spokesman to have to appear on morning TV shows to do damage control. As time went on, however, it became clear that most citizens did not care. They saw him as a genuine bozo, fully expecting to see him acting stupid, and simply shrugged it off. “What’s your point?” became the attitude.
More recently, leaders discovered that his endless series of flubs were actually quite entertaining to a large segment of likely voter-types. These citizens saw his goofy speeches as a pseudo stand-up comedy routine, chock full of chuckles in an otherwise dull, painfully boring campaign season. His straight-face, dry presentation style made his one-liners all the more hilarious. Like a snotty version of yogi-isms, his quips and quakes became crowd favorites. His recent “put y’all back in chains” slur to a racially-mixed audience drew huge laughs…so many laughs that the VP had to suspend the speech for 10 minutes to give him time to change his wetted pants. When he returned, he quipped that he hadn’t realized the team’s “Hope and change” campaign theme included underwear…drawing more laughs, and almost causing a change reprise.
Even the infamous gaffe where he asked a man in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow which seemed humiliating at the time, now is touted as comic genius by the party. “The guy is remarkable,” a party spokesman said, laughing as he watched the tape of the wheelchair gaffe. “Look at that stone face…not a flinch…wow!”
Party officials now see the VP’s gaffes as an opportunity rather than a threat. They have given him a small staff of gaffe writers to devise some fresh new gag material for upcoming events. Advisors are working with the Gaffemaster to help with his dry delivery style, so that he continues to look like a bumbling birdbrain, rather than a polished comic…part of the “charm” that is critically important to retain for a few more months. Ironically, even his staunchest opponents are starting to laugh at the little screw-ups in private, feigning outrage in public. One unidentified opposing party member called his latest series of gaffes “the most pathetic, disgraceful performance by a Vice President since Aaron Burr,” then busted out in a spit take.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are not so far from the truth.
June 2nd, 2012 Posted 3:02 pm
The recently announced national unemployment number of 8.2 percent incited a new round of skeptics and pseudo-economists questioning the validity of the numbers. Many are now thinking the numbers are being manipulated at high levels to produce the numbers they want to see, not a true reflection of the true state of employment. Others say the numbers are just as trustworthy as the entity producing the numbers.
One conservative economic organization came out yesterday and said that the numbers are skewed because they now exclude people who have allegedly, out of prolonged frustration, stopped looking for work altogether. These people who had been applying for one or two jobs every quarter, have now stopped applying, stopped wasting their time…time which could be better spent watching Newhart reruns, or playing with the dog. The organization said that the true unemployment number would rise to 15% if they included those neuvo-slouches back in the mix.
Another organization has countered that if you started recounting these people, then you should also count people who currently have jobs, but don’t like their jobs, and are consequently virtually unemployed. Many have been getting paychecks for doing next to nothing, while coworkers are having to pick up their slack, and often having to work overtime. These coworkers should be counted as a person-and-a-half in the equation. Similarly, people who work two jobs should be counted as two, and guys who deliver pizza on the side should get at least half-person additional credit.
The Citizens Against Illegal Aliens (CAIA) group has argued that the whole exercise is irrelevant. They say that if the government stepped-up and took care of the illegal problem, there would be oodles of jobs available in yard work, odd jobs, freight handling, hotel maid, taxi cab, and ethnic food service sub-industries. They acknowledge that most current unemployed people would not want to do the jobs in these sectors because the work is hard and the pay is too lousy. But the jobs would be there if/when the government dole stopped and they got desperate.
Meanwhile, the administration said that the current unemployment figures are the best we have now, and are unwilling to make any formal changes to formulas. The spokesman said that if reelected in November, they will promise to form a blue ribbon commission to examine the numbers, and recommend ways to make them look better so that everyone is not so bummed-out when the numbers are reported.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.
April 14th, 2012 Posted 3:08 pm
Bizarreville administration officials expressed unhappiness bordering on anger from the recent incident of a piddly low-level Democratic Party operative making disparaging comments about the Republican candidate wife’s lack of intelligence about economic matters because she was only a stay-at-home mom. The fumbling, inept, lead-tongued operative apparently had not been properly briefed beforehand by party officials. Her statements which have now been characterized as the Democratic party’s War on Moms have been lampooned by pundits.
“We’re most definitely disappointed in her statements,” stated an Administration spokesman. “We had planned to roll out our ‘War on Moms’ campaign strategy in a more subtle, clandestine approach so that the stay-at-home moms didn’t really realize what was happening. Now the cat is out of the bag, and will require that we do damage control and regroup. It’s just frustrating.”
The spokesman refused to explain why the Democrats were waging the War on Moms. But it was clear that the spokesman had never changed a diaper, woke up abruptly at 3am for a feeding, or chased youngsters around the house who were bound and determined to hurt themselves on an electrical appliance of some sort. The spokesman did say that stay-at-home moms have no clue whatsoever about economics or the business world, since those subjects are almost never addressed on Oprah or soap operas. He admitted that the Price is Right has some economic connection, but Lucy reruns have very little.
The spokesman went on to say that they plan to articulate their War on Moms platform more in upcoming weeks…a platform that will push aside the old-fashioned conservative ideas of the past. “That’s why Dr. Mervin Felkwash developed the concept of ‘Quality Time’ in the 1970′s, which got working moms off the guilt trip of spending such little time with kids. He promoted the idea that it was not how MUCH time, but the QUALITY of the time spent with kids that was important. He spread the idea that became ingrained in our culture that it was okay to blitz kids with jampacked faux attention, brisk toy-playing, and fast-reading childrens books to them. And it was okay to have day care and nannys. Hell, that’s why the Nanny State was invented…to allow Nannys to be fully recognized and respected in their important roles as surrogate moms.”
A reporter responded, “I thought the Nanny State was more about the government providing services and funding to cover virtually any need or want, so people didn’t have to worry about fending for themselves?”
“Yeah, that too,” replied the spokesman.
He went on to say that the idea that moms should stay home nurturing kids is cro-magnon thinking. “The very idea that moms should spend all their precious time raising and nurturing a stable of kids like what has been done for 10 thousand years, rather than getting out there in the real work force doing pencil pushing, emails, spreadsheet manipulating, and other critical bureaucratic functions, is laughable. There are jobs in the Customer Service world out there that need to be staffed by qualified people who know how to keep people on hold for 40 minutes, then tell them there’s nothing they can do about their problem. It’s what we call REAL work.”
D.Wasserbag Schlitz, the head of the Democratic Committee, was asked to comment on the operative’s gaffe. “It’s not us. The Republicans are the problem.” When asked what the hell she was talking about, she replied, “Go figure it out.”
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.
March 23rd, 2012 Posted 11:17 am
The President flipped his position yesterday, and approved the Keystone Pipeline project from Oklahoma to Texas in an effort to counter the charges that he has become totally out-to-lunch on the Energy price crisis. He told supporters that this project would allow inexpensive crude oil from Canada to be pumped down to large oil refineries in Texas, reducing the need to be dependent on MidEast oil, and ultimately bringing down gas prices at the pump.
One reporter at the news conference asked the President if he knew where Oklahoma was on the map versus, say, Canada. “Of course I know,” he replied. “I took a geography class in the 5th grade. It is up there in the middle of Canada, one of those providences up there somewhere.”
“Sir, I believe you’re thinking of Ontario, not Oklahoma,” the reporter replied. “True, they both begin with the letter ‘O’, so that may have been what confused you. Confuses a lot of people. Oklahoma is a state near Texas. Sorta looks like a pot or a pan, like the Little Dipper constellation.”
“Oh, you’re right. I apologize on behalf of all the citizens in our country for creating this Naming Confusion. Those idiots who came up with the names of states early in our nation are to blame. They came up with names that make no sense. Then they took other states and named them New This, and New That. Who can keep track of all those New states? Where are the ‘Old’ versions of the states, can anyone tell me? Exactly. Just stupid. I’ll see to it that this Oklahoma confusion is corrected right away. May change the name to Yoklahoma, so that it doesn’t continually be confused with Ontario. We’ll get to work on it.”
“Yoklahoma? Are you serious? Yoklahoma? Old Jersey? Old York?”
“Maybe you’re right. Old Jersey sounds like something stinking up the bottom of your clothes hamper. May avoid that one.”
The President had to rush off to another fund-raising event, and had to cut-off further debate about state naming, but he said he would form a committee to develop recommendations and timetables.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Or did you already figure that out?
March 21st, 2012 Posted 12:34 am
O: So, what’s your point?
S: Point is…it wouldn’t be the truth. Wouldn’t be right.
O: Son, how long have you been in politics as an operative? Two years? Three years? Did they forget to teach you The Art of Lying by A.Chin in school? It’s politics, for heaven sake. No one expects to hear the truth. Now let’s talk about our Energy Independence program. What’s our official line? We’re drilling as much as we can drill. Every drill bit in the hemisphere is running in an oil well operating at full capacity. We need more electric cars. And soon.
S: But sir, electric cars consume energy, too. Power points burn fossil fuel to make the electricity to power those cars. And the conversion from fossil fuel to electric power, then to mechanical energy to power the vehicles is not all that efficient when all is said and done. Sir, the use of gasoline in highly efficient engines is probably the most efficient energy conversion technology, in actuality.
O: Who is this guy? Nicola Tesla? Jacob, where did you find this bird brain?
J: He’s one of our brightest new hires. Got his engineering degree from MIT when he was 14, then MBA from Harvard a year later. Picked up an honorary doctorate from University of Phoenix…well, never mind that last item…still pretty smart young man…
S: Sir, I think the public is ready for the truth. This kind of shabby BS has fueled the birth of the Tea Party movement, and is stirring the cauldron for other factions to develop soon.
O: Cauldron? Who uses the word “cauldron” in normal speech? Are you going to start throwing thee, thy, wilst, and fortnight on me? Are you going to start playing one of those weird ancient little harp-like gizmos…what do they call those weird things?
O: What?? Are you calling me a liar? Jacob, is this guy calling me a liar? Is that the kind of respect you show the President? Is it?
S: Sir, you just lectured me on the Art of Lying. Now you’re offended by the term liar? What kind of hypocrisy is that? Wait a minute…I wasn’t even talking about a liar. I was talking about a lyre.
O: Are you calling me a hypocrite AND a liar? Leon, would you step out and get the Secret Service guys in here? This young man needs to spend a little time in the hoosegow. Por favor, muchacho?
S: Sir, if you would just give me a minute to explain…
O: Leon, are you still here? Are words coming out of my mouth? Do I need to send you a text message to get you off your dead rump? Andalay, andalay!
S: Is this some new Hispanic initiative you’re working on now? The Florida vote…is that what this is all about? You know, my family came from Mexico and settled in south Florida. I’ve got some ideas on how…
O: Hold the phone, Leon. Stop the music. Maybe I was a bit too rash with my good friend here. Let’s all take five, and cool our jets. Can I offer you a margarita…what’s your name again?
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones authored by flies on the wall
January 14th, 2012 Posted 3:14 pm
Romney, the newly crowned king of Pious Baloney, has continued to merchandise this new brand of fresh vocal lunchmeat. In various recent campaign appearances, he has shaved off several slices, and delivered it on a soggy hoagy bun to waiting media reporters…who promptly snarfed it down like it was guacamole at a Super Bowl party. Here are some exerpts:
-Romney compared running the Bain Vulture Capital firm was no different than the President baling out the auto industry. Chainsaw Mitt vaporized dozens of companies, shuttered scores of factories, and fired thousands of people so that his venture investors did not go broke and lose their jobs. He admitted that there had to be some pain, while he was shutting down companies in order to save them, likening it to the President letting GM go bankrupt and eliminating all value in shareholders’ 401K programs, so it could be taken over by the federal government and get the company properly refocused on electric car production. He also referenced that he was no different than the Richard Gere guy in the Pretty Woman movie, and that people kept coming out to watch the movie regardless. Romney did say that he would not have allowed the Hostess Baking Company to go bankrupt, but that was mostly because he likes Twinkies.
-He insisted that the reason he enacted RomneyCare and other liberal policies while governor was because that is what the state’s citizens wanted. He said that he truly had to go to the restroom almost every day and empty his stomach, as he reluctantly signed the whacko bills into law. It was tough, and required buying caseloads of Maalox and various suppositories…but sometimes, he said, you have to be stupid in order to be smart. He got a rousing round of applause from backers on that last line.
-He indicated that he stood ready to eliminate the bitter divisiveness in politics…one day after pounding Gingrich with an enormous truth-barren ad campaign to destroy his hopes. It was reported that 96% of his PAC’s funding was earmarked to draw and quarter Gingrich. But Romney claimed that he did not know anything about the butcher-job, because he was too busy reading the F section of the dictionary. He then spouted several 5 syllable F words to prove his point.
-Romney claimed that his suit is not empty, not even close to being empty. When asked why he thought he put audience listeners to sleep with his dispassionate droning on almost every subject, he responded that it was probably because Gingrich and other opponents caused them to lose sleep with their lines of utter nonsense and unworkable policies of change. He promised to enact tax breaks for the purchase of 5-hour energy juice as part of his Economic plan, and distribute the jolt drinks free to the homeless and jobless.
-When asked about his history of losing elections, he responded that deep down inside he really wanted to lose those elections. He said he enjoyed the campaigns, but really did not look forward to the prospect of actually doing such a boring job and working with such legendary numbskulls. He chuckled and said he was only kidding, and then winked.
-Romney was asked about the secrets to his success in the debates. He responded that partly it was because he could deliver political rhetoric as fast as a professional speed-talker who just slammed down a Venti at Starbucks. He claimed that he has golden cliches in his hip pocket that he hasn’t even used yet, saving them for the general election campaign. He reminded all that his father was the president of American Motors, and had to sell freaking Ramblers to the public…so he comes from a genetic line of proven silver tongue specialists.
-He was finally asked how come he was, in his words, so successful in a wide variety of leadership positions, in such totally different lines of work that seemingly would each require high levels of expertise. He responded that, confidentially, he never developed a lick of expertise in any of those business/government entities, but was able to hire good people to cover for him. He said that’s what leadership is all about…hiring good people, setting lofty goals, developing execution plans, that sort of thing. One snide reporter added, “then conveniently baling out at the right moment so you couldn’t be held accountable for pathetic results.” Romney smiled at the comment, then turned and whispered something to a top aide.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that have a ring of truth.
January 7th, 2012 Posted 3:39 pm
“Romney is our guy,” emphatically stated one of the senior members of the 2012 Bizarreville Republican Election Central Committee, who preferred to remain anonymous. He stated that it was important that the caucus/primary process continue as planned as a show of good faith, but the Committee had already decided the outcome. Cash, ground forces, and other means of gentle persuasion would naturally be used, he said, to ensure the predicted result happens.
The committeeman was asked what qualities Romney brought to the table that made him their top guy…was it his record of distinct leadership as a state governor in adjusting his personal belief system to adapt to his liberal constituency, his success as a small businessman as a management consultant who acquired and split up businesses, his deft leadership over the bureaucratic nightmare of an Olympics, his never having experienced a hangover, his middle-of-the-road core principles allowing him to feel strongly on both sides of any argument?
“No, frankly he just knows how to pound sand better than the others. Romney has time and time again proven he can respond to adversity, and use the proper amount of sand pounding in the right crevices to disable his opponents. Look at how he was able to neuter all his Republican adversaries…and do it without being spotted as the culprit. Each time one guy popped ahead a little bit in the polls, some information about the candidate mysteriously turned up. Then he and his ground troops saturated the media systems with the news, twisting and embellishing it at each step…and doing it surreptitiously so no one knew he was doing it. It was magic. This is the kind of stuff that Nixon and his kooky henchmen would be proud of…probably give them some sort of Presidential medal and a free hot lunch at the White House.”
The committeeman was asked if he had any proof that Romney was behind all this chicanery. “What chicanery? This is politics, Home Boy. If you’re too undersized to play, go find another sandbox. This is the big leagues.”
There is still a long road ahead before this result becomes official. But clearly this breaking news is a key salvo that may convince some of the candidates to avoid squandering their life savings on a hopeless quest…but then again, what are savings for if they can’t be squandered on hopeless quests now and then?
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.
December 20th, 2011 Posted 2:11 am
A new candidate has thrown his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination. His name is Bill Shmunk, a retired individual whose career spanned small business management, teaching, local political office, and janitorial work. He certainly is a jack of some trades, not quite all trades, but some.
Shmunk claims that he is the most conservative candidate in the race, perhaps the only true conservative. The others, he claims, are conservative paupers compared to him. Shmunk has bold ideas to solve the nation’s problems: fiscal problems, national security, border problems, and various social problems…line them up, Bill has a solution. He has developed a 10-point Contract with Bizarreville that is sure to turn the race on its ear:
1. Stop calling handouts “entitlements”. No one is entitled to anything. Start calling them Sponge Payments. Give Spongers pictures of real taxpayers when they pick up their checks and freebees, so they know who they’re sponging off of.
2. Allow food stamps to only be used for purchases of spam, chicken salad, lima beans, bran flakes, and day-old bread. Allow food stamp patrons to fill up water jugs at the spigot outside the supermarket door.
3. Adopt a national defense philosophy of “Speak Loudly, but carry a small stick”. Talk harshly about plans to obliterate enemies, but cut most military spending to the bone to save money. Scare off rogue nations with empty, but very graphic, threats. Give soldiers lots of medals to keep spirits high, but reduce funding for free plane rides.
4. Institute a special Hollywood star and Media superstar income tax surcharge of 20 percent. These are people who constantly advocate higher taxes, so they should be permitted to pay them.
5. Force all Mexican illegal aliens to eat plain American food. No hot sauce or jalapenos added. Require id checks before any guacamole can be purchased.
6. Immediately terminate 50% of all government workers. Tell you what, make it 70% of the highly paid staffers. Call it a RIF, brought to you by Chainsaw Bill. Figure out how to do the nation’s nonsensical bureaucracy with fewer people.
7. Require all CEO’s of companies getting bailouts to immediately report to their closest elementary school, and write on the blackboard 1000 times, “I promise I will never ask for a taxpayer bailout again.”
8. Do not permit discrimination, with the exception of people who own cats. Allow blatant discrimination and profiling of cat lovers, including having them drink from separate water fountains.
9. Stop all efforts to nationalize health care, a concept which entails long lines at the doctor’s office, long waits in waiting rooms, rude receptionists who can never get you in for an appointment, mediocre patient care with quick focus on writing a prescription and getting you out the door, confusing claim filing and bill paying, snotty attitudes…wait a minute, that’s what we’ve got now!
10. Adjustable term limits for congress people, based on how well they score on the knucklehead-o-meter. Each legislator would get 1 knucklehead point for every idiotic thing he/she says or does while in office. A score of 3 or less would allow running for 1 more term. A score of 7 or more would require immediate impeachment.
Shmunk believes he has the message that will resonate with the conservative masses, and right-of-centers. He feels that his bold, creative programs, while somewhat controversial, are needed to get the nation on the right course. He feels he can win, because the other guys are too blase`.
When asked about the liklihood of alienating the nation’s cat lovers with his tongue-in-cheek discrimination program, he responded, “What tongue-in-cheek?”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even some of the candidates.
November 30th, 2011 Posted 1:12 am
The 10th lesson in Obamanomics is the simple mantra that sums it all up: Sharing is Caring. This simply pulls together the “Fair share” concept with the “It takes a Village” concept, and throws a little kumbaya group-sing togetherness into a great big pot of frothy broth…where no one is better than anyone else, no one is a jerkoff, and no one is every penalized just because they’re a little bit lazy or cherish their sluff-off time. Even lazies need to be cared for, and nurtured…and before you know it, those loafers will see the light, and want to participate in work and other noble endeavors. All they need is a little love. All they ever needed was a little love.
All policies and programs must then fit with the Sharing is Caring basic philosophy. As such, the Administration has commissioned a Secretary of Love Sharing to oversee all programs at the national and local level to ensure they are not Anti-Love in any way, shape or form. Any threats to Love will receive an advanced pre-veto, to squelch needless work on a bill that is destined for the s#!t can.
Programs that create more competition will generally be considered Anti-Love. In any competitive endeavor, there is always at least one loser…often multiple losers. The 65 team NCAA playoff system is a classic example, where 64 teams end up being branded “losers”, leaving the court dejected, upset, and unloved. Many top coaches have adopted the “Winning is the Only Thing” Vince Lombardi philosophy, thus making each and every loss an unacceptable, embarrasing piece of mal-execution. No good coaches or true fans can love a team who loses…and the cards are stacked against them. There are some rare exceptions, such as the Cubs, where fans, owners, and coaches are so mentally deranged that they love the team in spite of its chronic ineptness. But in the normal world, winning is essential, losing is the norm, and love is scarce. This is true of all forms of competition, and the reason in Obamanomics that it must be systematically snuffed out.
All new policies must be win-win, so that the Love flows evenly. The slightly discouraging thing is that almost never in nature is there a true win-win, so very few new policies are anticipated to germinate. Some anti-Obamanomists see the Love Connection as an advantage because it will grind to a halt all the rest of their goofy plans and programs. “I love the irony of this whole thing,” one opponent was overheard saying. “What a bunch of boobs!”
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the love-infested ones.
November 19th, 2011 Posted 4:07 pm
Continuously revitalizing the Obamanomic economy requires a new steady stream of replacing old/obsolete/beat-up paraphenalia with fresh new stuff. In past decades, this was not so difficult because most manufacturers had well thought-out “planned obsolescence” built into their product lines. These plans had assured that merchandise would fall apart, rust, collapse, or vaporize quickly and efficiently…often starting the deterioration process the instant the customer left the store’s front door. Quality initiatives in the 1980′s unfortunately managed to thwart most of those creative efforts. Rare exceptions still exist on such things as personal computers and smart phones which have managed to hold onto their 2-year-and-out technological obsolescence offerings, but even these are under attack by various quality initiatives. In a confusing move, one smart phone company is now promoting their phone can withstand the weight of an elephant…in total defiance of Obamanomic theory.
Obamanomics successfully executed a trial balloon a couple years ago with the Cash for Clunkers (C4C) program, offering tax rebates on turned-in junk vehicles. These so-called trade-ins were often such vile pieces of crap that they should have been outlawed from City streets with criminal penalties for hapless, willful endangerment of the public. But the C4C program appealed to the Obamanomic primary focus group: trailer park dwellers who kept their 1974 Buick Skylarks belching black smoke until they just wouldn’t start anymore. C4C was hailed as a very successful program in administration circles to boost auto sales, and provide the enviro-sidebenefit as these junkers met the hydraulic crusher, transforming them into suitcases.
Administration insiders put 2 and 2 together and soon realized that C4C could be broadly applied to other big ticket retail items to spur consumer spending. New automatic washers and dryers could replace old wringer washers and clotheslines. New Nike shoes could replace old Converse All Stars. Enormous ghetto-blasters could replace mid-size blasters. Double-wides could replace singles. Torn, ugly naugahyde couches could be replaced by untorn, ugly naugahyde couches.
But C4C has now become more than just a Program of the Month. It is now a foundation element in the Obamanomic theory. It is a new, less obvious, very creative way to funnel benefits to the underbelly, while boosting the economy along the way. The beauty of it is that C4C can be expanded indefinitely to every category of product. Any obsolete product can be called a “clunker”…from old worn-out underwear, to ugly hats, to last year’s fashion sunglasses, to jeans without holes in them, to golf putters, to Dell computers. And, as always, the tax rebate benefits will be restricted to low-income and no-income citizens whether they actually pay tax or not…which continues to be a bone of contention with the opposition. “We’re not going to quibble about whether a citizen actually pays tax or not,” an adminstration spokesman said. “That’s not the point. The point is replacing these disgusting clunkers to help society, help the economy, help the environment, help communities. Focus.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even clunkers.
November 9th, 2011 Posted 1:51 am
The cornerstone of the Obamanomic energy strategy is the construction of 212 thousand windmills nationwide. This will allow the permanent closure of 82% of all nasty coal-fired power plants, and all the carbon dioxide emissions and whatever other pollutants that they spew out. When completed, no longer will these smoke-belchers be the #1 source of carbon dioxide; that distinction will then fall to human beings (no plan has yet been suggested how to combat that menace). The administration promises to retain the legions of unemployed coal mine workers , and transform them into jolly windmill operators and mechanics, outfitted in wooden shoes and suspendered shorts…after, of course, they wash their faces.
The new windmills will pretty much blanket the land, making the landscape look like some sort of new Holland on a Red Bull binge. The blades will be mounted high enough to assure they don’t decapitate farmers or scalp the top off RV’s and cheesewagons. Unfortuntately, the noise will sound like the groans of 10 million stomach growls amplified by an Aerosmith PA system. “It makes you hungry when you hear it,” a senior engineer on the project stated.
The windmills will meet most of the nation’s electrical power demand, except those occasions of calm, windless summer days when citizens may be forced to turn off their air conditioners and go back to manual shavers, can openers, and dish washers. Citizens will just need to relax until things start blowing again. “It will be like outdoor camping: go fishing with the kids, take a hike, tell a ghost story, or something,” an insider suggested.
The Energy Committee had also considered solar power prior to making the windmill choice, but realized there were just too many cloudy days to pull it off. This strategy, however, may be revisited once they run out of wind…provided, of course, that the windmills don’t block too much of the sunlight.
Detractors point out that all this is not “free” energy. The cost to build and maintain these enormous units is twice the cost of fossil fuel equivalents, on a per-megawatt basis. But the administration points out that the new units end up cheaper because they are taxed at a lower rate.
The windmill strategy, combined with the Obamanomic transfixion on electric cars replacing gasoline counterparts, will then eliminate dependence on foreign oil. In Obamanomic thinking, this is so elegantly simple that it is surprising that it hadn’t been thought of sooner. Another creative brainstorm being funded by Obamanomic tax dollars is the idea of mounting small windmills on top of car roofs. “The faster the car moves, the more those little windmill blades will spin,” claimed Obamanomic Science Czar and Distinguished Professor of Entreprenerdial Studies at Bizarreville University, Dr. Eldnoid Milkfunk. “We could get to where the automobile becomes energy self-sufficient above 45 mph. Think of that!”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even grand visions of windmills.