Archive for the ‘Foreign Fumble-rooskies’ Category
May 14th, 2010 Posted 1:33 am
The poor Greeks. Their high-spending socialist/welfare program, combined with running up enormous budget defecits put them in a huge financial hole they could not dig out of. They have been working hard with other members of the European Union to arrange some sort of bail-out plan. As part of the deal, they were going to force mandatory pay rate slashings and tax increases to try and get things back in check. That action caused riots in the streets, as Greek citizens blamed banks, industries, motherhood, and apple pie for their troubles. They set fire to buildings, which ended up killing several people.
Citizens in the other EU countries were very impressed with the Greeks and their approach to dealing with their own problems, so many have volunteered to jump in and help them out. Groups from the UK, Germany, and France have sent large contingents of people armed with torches in their hands to help them burn down the entire country. On the way to Greece, the volunteers were given copies of General William T. Sherman’s memoirs on how to set up a 60-mile wide line of earth scorchers and techniques on how to basically flatten the land in a few weeks, leaving nothing but ashes in its aftermath.
“I’ll admit it’s a radical strategy,” said one of the English volunteers who actually started drooling as he talked. “But it’s certainly one way to cut costs, by just drastically reducing overhead. Burn banks, burn stores, torch factories, level homes. Get people to just get the hell out of here…not just the greedy capitalist types, but also the sponges who have been sucking life, like Hoover vacuum cleaners, out of the Greek economy for decades. Get rid of all these a$$#&les. Level it all, and start over. Seems like a pretty clever idea to me, quite frankly. Happy to take part.”
Many in the world community have been appalled by this burn-down strategy, citing it as dangerous to the humans, goats, and vegetable-life in Greece. They have suggested an alternate plan whereby the other EU countries would have their own taxpayers chip in a couple thousand euros per family to send to the poor Greeks to get them out of this pickle. But when they surveyed citizens at random about this voluntary giving approach, they were greeted by a barrage of obscenities aimed at members of their families, particularly their mothers, and suggesting some acts that were not even technically possible.
But these critics have not slowed down the torch brigade one bit, and they are starting to amass camps near Argos this week. Leaders say if they can get about 100 thousand people lined up with torches and axes in hand, they can get the job done in about 14 days, end to end. And it could be even be quicker if they can get some of the outraged Greek citizens to join in the fun.
One lady, Scarlett Flumpopolis, said that she was not going to leave her home, her land, no matter what the Yankees did. A neighbor reminded her that there would be no Yankees in this hoe-down, only Brits and other fellow Europeans. “I hate those Yankees,” Scarlett replied. “Oh, Rhett, Rhett, what shall we do? What shall we do??” Her husband Adrianas responded, “Who in the f#%& is Rhett?”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.
March 2nd, 2010 Posted 12:48 am
In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China. The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China. Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.
Negotiations had been underway for several months. China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico. When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious. The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert, a$$#ole.” Both sides finally settled on Idaho.
The decision was not without controversy. Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain. “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone. Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”
A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state. An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped. Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.
One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho. China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho. “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.
February 11th, 2010 Posted 1:42 pm
The government of Haiti, desperately trying to deal with the horror of the earthquake that hit their poor country, is now struggling with how to manage help from outsiders. The latest flap has to do with the 10 Baptist missionaries who arrived to offer help to many stranded children, but were later accused of kidnapping the children and unceremoniously hauled off to jail. They were all kept under tight lock and key when it was found out that several of the missionaries had been previously guilty of various traffic violations, jaywalking incidents, sneezing without covering their noses, and wearing orange on St. Patricks Day.
This unfortunate incident has caused the Haitian government to begin to question all the aid coming into the country, and whether some of the so-called aid is going to be really good for the country. For example, the government has done intensive investigations and found that much of the donated water is plain tap water, not spring-fed water. Much of the donated beer is light beer, with almost no taste. Cases and cases of Coke have arrived on its shores, but it turns out that over half of it is Diet Coke. Boxes and boxes of Chicken McNuggets have arrived, and no one seems to be able to ascertain what kind of food is in these things.
And it gets worse. Volunteers have arrived supposedly bringing medical supplies. But, the drugs being brought in are not the good, brand-name drugs…they are Generic Drugs, that’s right…thousands and thousands of bottles of plain old generic drugs.
“What are we…not good enough for you?” a Haitian government spokesman cried. “Do you wish to turn us from a 3rd world country into a 4th world country? Light beer? Is that all that we mean to you…to the world? What will you send us next…a crew of 1-legged construction workers to help us rebuild our cities?”
The Haitian government is taking a harder look at donations, aid, and help from all sources. Unfortunately, some of it will have to be turned around, and sent back. Meanwhile its citizens are suffering, and beginning the question the wisdom of their leaders.
The US State Department had no comment on the missionaries situation, but said they are trying to find a processed chicken parts alternate.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are totally fiction.
February 3rd, 2010 Posted 3:41 pm
Iran’s continued expansion of their nuclear program has elevated world concern, and once again brought up the subject of various economic sanctions to send a clear message. The hope would be that these tough-minded sanctions, unlike the ones tried in Cuba for 50-plus years, would stimulate the Iranian people to pressure President Ahmadinejad to make directional shifts in nuclear strategy. Secretary of State Clinton has been on a tour trying to get China and others to get on the sanction bandwagon, but thus far has had little success.
So, the US may be going it alone. A task force has been assembled to identify saction items that would deliver a clear, strong message. The list of sanctions is bold, and includes: Cheese Balls in Sams Club mega-size buckets, White Castle frozen 12-packs, rabies shots, Bud Light, Ron Jon surfer shirts, Mickey Mouse watches, extra strength deodorant, flip flops, and Malt-o-Meal.
Earlier, there had been talk about sanctioning gasoline, but it was dismissed because Iran could just go to Venezuela or Russia to get that. “But you can’t get Malt-o-Meal or White Castles from the Rooskies,” smirked a task force member. “No sir. We want to deliver a firm kick in the you-know-what so that they can wake up and smell the nachos.”
The task force believes Ahmadinejad will take notice because, allegedly, he is a serious Cheese Ball fanatic. Rumor has it he will often just sit in front of his TV watching a soccer match, and polish off an entire Sams-size bucket by himself. His previous doctor had told him to be careful how much of that crap he ate, because of its high fat content and lack of nutritional value. But Ahmadinejad accused him of being a stinking infidel, and promptly shot him on the spot. His new doctor takes a more pragmatic approach, says Cheese Balls are good for you, and has suggested that the president even have a second bucket if the mood suits him.
The sanctions are hoped to bring new spirit to Iran’s dissidents who could theoretically pressure Ahmadinejad to back down on the nukes. But Iran’s president has already shown how he deals with dissidents. One had the audacity to call him ’Cheese Ball Willie’ in jest…Iran special forces ended up severing his unit, framing it along with a couple cheese balls, and displaying it at the new Tehran Fine Arts Museum.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.
January 1st, 2010 Posted 12:35 am
In a shocking, unprecedented move, the City of Detroit announced its plans to move to China. This move comes on the heels of Honda’s announcement of plans to build a new car factory in Wuhan, and similar Chinese capacity expansion announcements by BMW, Volkswagen, and Nissan.
“There are a number of details that will need to be worked out,” said former NBA player and current Detroit mayor Dave Bing. “Starting with where to locate the city. We’re looking for something near a big lake system fed by plenty of rivers that have adequate sewage handling capacity. Would also prefer a location with lousy weather…you know, snow, sleet, freezing rain, gray skies…at least 11 months of the year so our citizens can acclimate quickly.”
Detroit has been under severe pressure recently with closures of factories, layoffs by the Auto companies, and the pathetic performance of the University of Michigan football team. This has created a sense of acute pessimism that pervades the town. But this attitude will fit well in China, where the people are already moapy, depressed, and discouraged. And Detroiters have become so used to entitlements and free handouts that the switch to Communism should be relatively seamless, and should bring up their spirits.
Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm expressed her disappointment in the move, but said she understands the reasons and will work with the Chinese on the transition. When asked what will replace Detroit once it vacates, she said, “Probably a landfill.”
Detroit hopes to regain the moniker of the world’s Motor City, perhaps by annexing the land that the Chinese auto plants occupy. Chinese officials commented back on this statement, but the translation was difficult….translators said that it it was a very ancient obscenity that involves your sisters, donkeys, and various viscous fluids.
Chinese authorities say they may rename Detroit after the move to a less French-sounding name. They have suggested the name Fugwad, which they claim means “natural process” or “beautiful flow” in Chinese. Detroiters say they cannot find that word in any Chinese dictionary, but may accept the change to appease their new hosts.
The Chinese have said that they will take the Tigers, but will not allow Detroit to bring the Lions over. “Maybe you can give them to the North Koreans,” said a Chinese sports minister, laughing hysterically.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fictional. Even the ones that sound like they could be real.
December 8th, 2009 Posted 2:11 pm
One of the first items on the agenda at the upcoming Copenhagen Climate Summit will be carbon footprints. It is expected to be a very emotionally-charged discussion, spurred by the list of impressive celebrities who will be attending…stately world leaders from all over the globe, renowned scientists, and a rich assortment of numb-nut goofballs from Hollywood. Critics have argued to keep the air-heads from La-la-land out of the summit, since they know absolutely, positively nothing about the subject. But others argue neither do all the other wankers who will be there…so what?
The crux of the discussions will be where to put these carbon footprints. A spokesman for the Hollywooders argued that they should be placed on Hollywood Boulevard right along side the Hollywood Walk of Fame footprints. “That way, tourists can see all the movie stars that have made this country great, right alongside the nasty mother f%*##&$ from the heavy polluting industries and power plants who have brought this country down with all their filth belching.”
Prince Charles is expected to be at the summit and may argue to put the footprints in Piccadilly Circus. “After all, England has had centuries of blackening the daytime sky, while you Yankees were still shooting buffaloes with bloody bows and arrows,” shouted a reporter from a London newspaper.
Third world countries are certain to get into the mix…with legitimate claims that they have never done anything whatsoever to control factory pollution, have no plans to do so in the future, and have actually executed people right in the street who have even suggested adopting environmental controls. One negative, however, would be that many of them have no sidewalks, so would have to plunk the footprints down in the mud, goop and manure.
Clearly it will be a bloodbath fight. But in the end, the issue will be decided by a Climate Summit Subcommittee, comprised of an assortment of enlightened grass sniffers and grass smokers. They will weigh the pros, weigh the cons…and probably weigh a few other things while they’re at it.
December 3rd, 2009 Posted 1:40 pm
Bizarreville leaders, after so many years of looking like idiots by leaking out key military information to the enemy, have this time molded a new, intriguing approach to blabbermouthia. Rather than giving Afghan Talibans a heads-up on upcoming plans, they decided to take the opposite tack and just blab about when they plan to punt…in about 16 to 18 months.
Spy reports say Taliban leaders in cave headquarters were totally befuddled by this announcement. They said they normally figure Bizarreville leaders are a bunch of scheming perpetual liars…so they don’t know how exactly to reinterpret this potential lie.
Meanwhile, back in Bizarreville, the Leader’s supporters were upset at his policy redirection vs. campaign promises, and called him a liar. But simultaneously, his opponents in the world of punditry pointed out his failure to fully support the troops, his ambiguous mumbo-jumbo, and called him a liar. Even people sleeping on the couch who were tired of watching him on prime time TV, couldn’t think of anything else to call him, so called him a liar.
So the Taliban, seeing all these mixed messages, was not sure who to disbelieve. After seeing supporters call him a liar, they figured that he might indeed be lying…or it might be a trick. But then after seeing opponents and couch potatoes calling him a liar, they figured he was probably telling the truth. Or it could all be a double-lie, or triple-lie…must be a lie of some sort, but a lie about what?
An smiling anonymous administration insider said: “A lie is as good as the truth, if you can get someone to believe it.” He then hopped in his limo, joining an anonymous female in the back seat.
November 30th, 2009 Posted 2:25 pm
The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down. And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities. But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place. Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up. Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.
But Elmo Mohammed has an idea. He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park? An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world? Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?
“It would be more than just rides. It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island. It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.
“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls. The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience. Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it. May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.
“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp. Guests could join right in: Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals. Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra? Wow.”
The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical. Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time. Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.
November 28th, 2009 Posted 2:24 pm
The Chinese just announced that they will offer Bizarreville a newly-issued credit card to make it easier and convenient to make payments on the national debt. As part of the package, the system will allow payments on-line from any Bizarreville Treasury computer, with a simple “Click and Doink” user-friendly method.
China has suggested, as a first step, transferring the $11 trillion (oops, just went over $12 trillion) National Debt to the card with no transfer fee. They argue that rather than having T-bills spread across such a wide base, why not just do a bill consolidator loan into one central spot? “Just like the poor shmuck who has a half-dozen personal loans who’s getting eaten up with minimum charges, and finally consolidates them into one huge home equity loan. Just the sensible thing to do, right?”
The Chinese will offer low monthly minimum payment, in exchange for a slightly higher interest rate. As a teaser, they will offer a 6.1% APR rate for the first six months, but then it will go up to 11.0% APR afterward. Some Bizarrvillians were rebuffed initially at this high rate, but the Chinese said it was “…fixed for 20 years irregardless of any impending world financial meltdown. In time…you’ll see.”
The Chinese are also offering a Rewards Points program with the new card. The catalog has pages and pages of prizes, some pretty nice, but some pretty pathetic. Lousy ones include several hundred thousand used Chinese military uniforms, and a 70′s-era Russian built “fixer-upper special” fighter jet. Example of a good prizes include multiple-night stays at the new Macau casinos with $100 free seed gambling dollars.
Bizarreville economists probed into the details of the card, then asked that there be no prepayment penalty. The Chinese busted out laughing uncontrollably at that notion. After 12 minutes of this laugh-fest, the top Chinese economist said, “Sure. No problem.”
November 23rd, 2009 Posted 4:41 pm
Bizarreville leaders just got back from what they termed a “quasi-successful” diplomatic trip to China. The trip purpose was primarily economic – to discuss the crippling trade deficit that’s reaching epic proportions, and also to try to sell them an assortment of large bridges and a lot-ful of used Chrysler LeBaron convertibles.
The Bizarreville contingent had started by suggesting the Chinese open their markets to Bizarreville goods. But the Chinese responded “Your garbage is the best quality product you make, and we’re already buying much of that (ha, ha). But seriously, we’re thinking about importing some of your Chinese eggrolls….yours are much tastier and crisper…must use better grease. Might even go ahead and have you ship us the grease, too. Yeah, take a note…one supertanker load of grease, ship it to the port of Shanghai.”
Bizarrevillians hinted that the Chi-coms might be dumping athletic footwear products in their markets, but made no outright accusation. One Bizarreville economist chided that “You can’t sell Air Smellbom shoes in Bizarreville at cheaper prices than you sell them in your home market.” But the Chinese responded, “Pfffft…hey, our comrade citizens don’t even buy that expensive crap, if they even buy shoes at all.” Bizarreville leaders explained that China just needed to stop exporting so darn much stuff to them. But Chinese suggested, “Why don’t you go back to that ‘Made in Bizarreville’ shtick you tried a few years back? Wasn’t that WalMart that was pitching that drool? Our guys laughed like hell during that fiasco…man, that was precious!”
Bizarreville leaders concluded that, while not much progress was made on the economic front, at least they made the Chinese leaders laugh. “After all, laughter is a key element in building a strong diplomatic foundation for a long-term sustainable partnership.” That statement made the Chinese laugh even more, “Ha, ha, ha…you guys really crack me up…..ha, ha, ha, ha…stop it man, I’m dying here…ho, ho, ho…Ooooh, I’m busting a gut…ha, ha, ha, ha.”
November 1st, 2009 Posted 4:43 pm
Introducing a new product from your friends at Bumco Inc.: The Afghanistan Waffler. Heartily endorsed by the Bizarreville Homebodies, Cooks, and Appliance Users Association, this waffle maker is all-new, imported from Afghanistan, with features not offered by any competitor in the past.
The beauty of this machine is that you just don’t know what you’re going to get. You throw some or all the ingredients into the unit, spin the temperature dial a couple times, and just let it go. Might get a pancake, might get a danish, might get some kind of weird muffin-thing…might get a lump of burnt charcoal. Some customers claim they got something resembling the consistency of a Christmas fruit cake…oooh, yummy.
And that’s what makes it fun for the whole family…the anticipation and surprise of it all. The unpredictability. The unit has a setting on it for “Plain Waffle”, but guess what? It lies. It never intended to give you a plain waffle. Ha, ha, ha, ha…what a riot! Surprisingly, many customers continue to select the Plain Waffle option, even though they know full well that it does not work. Durrrrr…it takes all kinds.
So pick up an Afghan Waffler at your favorite discount store or buy direct from the factory at www.ErrrrUhUmmmCoughCough.com. Hurry before it’s no longer available.
October 18th, 2009 Posted 12:26 pm
The Geezer Club of Bizarreville was having its morning meeting and constitutional around the cracker barrel at the General Store, when the debate turned to troops in Afghanistan.
“I don’t think we should send any more of our fine young lads there. Those Talibans are pure whack jobs, almost as crazy as that Floop family who live down at the Mung Pond. Remember them? Remember when young Johnnie Floop…I think he was about 13 back then…allegedly dropped a deuce right in the City Hall fountain? That’s when they found out that the fountain was tied into the entire water system…had to shut it all down and disinfect it. Then some guy with a bag over his head, rumored to be his brother Dirk, streaked at that championship basketball game, tripped and fell on his you-know-what, and they had to bring out the Disinfectant team once again. Had to postpone the whole game. Those Floop kids just terrorized the town.”
“Yeah, I remember those days…pretty gross bunch, them Floops. Lucky we had that Disinfectant squad.”
“Remember? Bizarreville citizens got really flustered , and demanded action against those unadulterated dirt bags. But that Floop family was pretty clever at dodging and weaving, denying any wrong-doing, slithering away when things got hot, covering tracks. The authorities were puzzled until one clever citizen suggested a way to divert their jerk-ball energy into a nonsensical activity…the game of Roach Search & Destroy. It was a perfect game for the knucklehead set…crawling around in the dirt to root out the little critters, then beating/scrunching them to a pulp. Their household was a perfect setting for the game with crud and filth in literally every corner, attracting the game pieces by the thousands. They created an internal competition among family members…not just for highest roach count, but also bonus points for extraordinary acts of squishmanship. Mounted roach taxidermy on just about every wall.
“It worked. They spent all their energy on that stupid roach game, and quit terrorizing the citizens. Eventually had to dismantle the old Disinfectant SWAT squad due to lack of work. So…anyway… that’s how we ought to deal with the Taliban… surreptitiously get ‘em a game going that would divert their attention. Maybe they could substitute goats or yaks or something for the roaches.”
“Pretty stupid story. I need to hit the can.”