Archive for September, 2009
September 29th, 2009 Posted 8:09 pm
Posted in Life in Bizarreville
September 27th, 2009 Posted 11:01 pm
The much-maligned Squirrel Nuts organization (SN) opened up a chapter in Bizarreville recently. Their motto “Take a Closer Look at Squirrel Nuts” was developed to encourage more folks, particularly youths, to get more active in community organizing activities and promoting political candidates who are on their Super Squirrel list. Organizers say Squirrel Nuts grow larger and larger every month, and would like all citizens to get a taste of it.
SN has been under enormous pressure after being caught doing illegal and illicit things at their various branches. They were caught red-handed at the Shmooville branch when one SN worker was told to go launder some money. He went out and bought a used Maytag. The wet bills clogged up the drain line, and the naive SN dope called the Maytag Repairman, who promptly turned him in to authorities. There was 89 dollars missing, which upon investigation, coincidently turns out to be the cost of a Service call.
SN of Bizarreville organizers claim that the Shmooville chapter is totally independent of all other chapters, and their alleged misdeeds do not reflect on the confederation as a whole. “No Squirrel Nuts are alike. Each warrants its own intimate examination. And, yes, the ones that don’t pass the smell test should be cut off.”
SN of Bizarreville has big plans to mobilize blocks of people who have historically been shut out of the political processes. “Take dead people, for example. Why should they be denied their vote just because they can’t make it to the polls? Other cities have solved this problem, why can’t we? And it’s not just dead people, but also virtual relatives (oh yeah…remember Aunt Mulva or good ole Cousin Belferd, don’t see much of them anymore), dogs and cats (hey, they’re part of the family, aren’t they?), and people in comas.
“There’s so much more we can do in terms of reforms. We’re even still holding onto the concept of one person/one vote! C’mon now, other cities have been getting 5-6 votes out of people for years…just takes better organizing. And certainly, the age-old issue with Alignment, providing that needed information, incentive, and encouragement to vote for the right candidate. One word…muscle. Why is this such a foreign concept? Every time you go into a sleazy bar, you see the big galoot at the door ready/willing to crack a few heads…what happens? People behave. That’s all we’re talking about…just Behavior…or what we call Alignment.”
Opponents had tried to stop the Bizarreville chapter from opening, but to no avail. They had recorded many reels of film supposedly showing bad activities, but somehow the reels got melted down into a celluloid blob. Eyewitness accounts all developed severe cases of temporary amnesia, some of which were accompanied with severe head rashes, a few requiring stitches. One opponent spokesman, who had sadly just lost his dog in a tragic hunting accident from multiple gunshot wounds, said that it might be best to give Squirrel Nuts a try. “Perhaps we need to just suck it up.”
September 21st, 2009 Posted 1:26 pm
The word is getting out that Taxes will go up if the new Bizarreville Health Care plan goes into effect. Leaders previously promised no new taxes to fund Health Care, but then a local 5th grader found a mistake that the Budget Office made in their arithmetic. The staff of PhD’s on the Bizarreville Economic Council were embarrassed, but said that the flaw was in their solar calculators due to all the overcast skies in the past couple weeks.
So now the Leaders are trying to figure who will foot the bill for the new funding needs. They took a poll of the Citizens, who overwhelmingly voted to tax the Rich guys…percentage-wise, the vote was about 90 to 10. Some pundits were concerned that this was the sixth time recently that taxes would go up on the Rich, and at some point that gravy train would need to end. They said that the new tax would reduce jobs, as more and more companies would move investment outside of Bizarreville to more tax-friendly places. They whined that you can’t keep giving all these other people free rides.
The Other side responded: “Waaah, waaah, waaah…let’s all shed tears for the multi-millionaires. Boo-hoo. May have to get by with 4 butlers instead of the conventional 5. May have to sell off one of the 8 Jags parked in the garage, the one that hasn’t been properly dusted in over a week (how gross).” They responded that the Boards will just jack up their salaries higher to compensate for the higher tax anyway…the rich dudes may end up net ahead when all is said and done. When asked about the impact on small business, they responded that the small guys are all getting Walmartized anyway…wake up, smell the decaf latte.
The Tax Fairness Congregate (TFC) said that Bizarreville is moving toward a culture of Tax Payers and Tax Consumers, a very dangerous trend, long term. “More and more people are getting removed from the tax rolls via reduced rates, tax rebates for the untaxed, and a plethora of freebies, handouts, and bogus breaks. It’s moving us rapidly toward socialism/marxism.”
TFC opponents, when asked about how they feel about Karl Marx, responded: “Was he the Italian guy with the funny hat, or the mute guy with the little honking horn? No matter…Bizarreville could definitely benefit from a little more comedyism and humorism.”
September 16th, 2009 Posted 9:10 pm
The Cox family, you know, the family that owns that big piece of land on the South end of Bizarreville…yeah, the family that has all those beat-up single-wides parked every which way in the clearings in the woods…Anyway, rumor is they’ve been buying Gold lately. Not sure where they got the money for it…rumor is that Earl Cox, the one they call E-Cox, started up some kind of business renting-out farm animals.
His key financial advisor, who also happens to be his cousin Fred, the one they call F-Cox, said now is the time to load-up on Gold. Said that in spite of the fact that it’s skyrocketed to $1000 lately, it could go as high as $10 thousand by this time next year, maybe higher. “Just look at all these guys pitching gold in various advertisements, a veritable cavalcade of Gold hawkers. They’re some of the most respected people on radio and TV…you gotta believe that gold will continue to rise…you gotta be able to trust them, right?”
Old Grampaw Cox, now irreverently referred to as G-Cox, was much more skeptical. He remembered the last time gold shot up in price about 30 years ago. G-Cox liquidated all his assets…which at the time was a rusted-out camper, 2 shotguns, and a paisley couch missing one leg… and bought Gold. Soon after, the gold price plummeted, and he was broke…lived in a tent for about 5 years. He still owns that tent…let’s the grandkids play in it when they visit. But the kids say it smells pretty bad…say it smells like feet.
The Cox clan says that it’s different this time, versus 30 years ago. But Grampaw thinks it’s deja vu, like some old rerun of “Father Knows Best”…it was bad then, even worse now. He advises: You want a good investment? Buy good whiskey. Of course, none of the Cox family drinks whiskey since their Conversion…….now it’s strictly tequilla.
E-Cox put aside his dream of upgrading to that shiny new double-wide, with the 2-sink restroom and the shag-carpetted kitchen. He sold-off his closet full of ammo…well, not all of it, but a lot of it…and bought some kruggerands. E-Cox stuck ‘em in a mason jar, and buried his new stash behind a tall walnut tree out back. Family members were worried that E would eventully forget where he buried the jar, so they insisted he write it down on a piece of paper. He did that, but lost the paper…probably throwing it out when he was cleaning fish.
E-Cox is certain he will be rich when the impending financial collapse happens, and can then join the ranks of the hoi polloi, milling around at stuff-shirt parties, and eating pass-around hors d’oevres like barbeque buffalo meatballs on a toothpick and black fish stuff on Ritz crackers. He said he might even buy a sport coat with one of those hankies in the pocket, “so much more convenient than having to root around for Kleenex when you really need to clean out the old sinuses.”
September 14th, 2009 Posted 1:49 pm
As the health care debate continued in Bizarreville, the discussion eventually turned to Tort Reform. Truth is, the people of Bizarreville were definitely sue-happy…it was almost an official pastime where the mayor would throw out the first whiffle ball at the opening of sue season. Seems everybody would look for any excuse to sue their friend, neighbor, or (especially) doctor in order to get something for nothing: “Why work and slave when you can just sue your buddy, get a rich out-of-court settlement, and kick back on the back porch with with a pitcher of margaritas?” Made sense.
But, in spite of this seemingly ideal state of things, there was a semi-lunatic fringe element bellowing about how all this was causing Health Care costs to skyrocket. Malpractice insurance was getting so high that many doctors just said Screw It, and bailed. One doctor got sued for $1 million because some lady’s hang nail got infected, causing her months and months of mental anguish. The doctor replied, “I was treating you for a swollen ankle!” But the lady said, “You should have noticed the hang nail. That’s the trouble with you so-called ‘specialists’.”
The Legislators tried to put an Amendment on the Health Care bill to place limits on malpractice claims, which also included strict guidelines on what was/wasn’t covered. It would no longer recognize pain/suffering claims, would limit coverage to out-of-pocket expenses, and put strong burden of proof on the claimant to show cause that a case was truly malpractice. It would save hundreds of gazillions of dollars in phony baloney claims and bogus legal proceedings.
The legal lobby strongly objected. The powerful Ambulance Chasers International (ACI) decried that this would give doctors free-rein to run rough-shod over our poor patients, do slip-shod meatball surgery at will, forget to take the forceps out of grammaw’s tummy after her gall bladder-ectomy. They rolled-in poor Mr. Shlumbunk to the hearing who had gone to the hospital for a skin irritation, and ended up mistakenly getting his full package cut off by some renegade doctor, whose only comment was: “Ooops”.
“Patients need to have recourse on these mavericks.” And there were boatloads of hound dog lawyers ready to sniff out any crevice to make a case. And sniff they did. Sniff, sniff, sniff…
Meanwhile, the Doctors were appalled by these ACI loudmouth charges, and sued the lawyers over defamation of character. But they couldn’t get any lawyers to try their case, so they filed another suit about restraint of trade/monopolistic practices. The lawyers counter-sued when the doctors threatened: “Yeah, well, in the unlikely event that you can find an MD who will treat you, better be prepared for a full body cavity examination.” Ouch.
The Legislators dropped Tort Reform amendments. They realized that suing each other was just too central to the Bizarreville culture. Plus, the lawyers were such great contributors to their political campaigns…much better than those stingy old penny-pinching doctors who threw quarters around like they were manhole covers.
September 12th, 2009 Posted 2:31 pm
Yesterday, during the mayor’s speech on the new Health Care program, there was wild cheering and booing in the crowd. The mayor would talk about so-called Death panels for old codgers, and the young people would cheer. He would mention free, assembly-line vasectomies, and the ladies would cheer. He’d mention that there would be a public option, that it would only be an “option” so you could keep your current health plan, and there would be much booing among those with at least 2 licks of common sense.
But the mayor knew there was much concern about the cost of the program among the non-lobotomized fringe. This fringe element worried that a major expansion of who gets covered and associated bureaucracy would bust the budget big time.
The mayor wanted to hit this issue head-on. So, he stated unequivocally that, despite rumors to the contrary, there is no truth to the rumor that the program will include coverage for your pets…no cats, no dogs, certainly no hampsters or cockatoos. No colonoscopies for your shitzus, no liver transplants for your schnauzers, no waiting in line in the ER behind a cat having a hairball incident.
But Joe Average, fuming in frustration from the mayor’s blathering, finally blurted out: “You’re Lying! The bill does offer coverage for pets. I’ve read the darn thing. There’s even funding for little bitty CAT-scan machines, new miniature gurneys, and scooper sterilization equipment.”
The mayor was a bit flummoxed, and looked puzzlingly at his aides with that “What the F@!*!” look. Aides shrugged their shoulders, but deep inside, knew they had been caught trying to sneak one in.
Joe later apologized to the mayor for calling him a dirty rotten unscrupulous liar. The mayor said: “That’s all right. Don’t worry, son, I’ve been called a liar by far better people than you. Besides…how long have you been around involved in the political world? You certainly must know that it is a defacto part of my job description to lie about stuff. C’mon, don’t be so naive. People are gonna start laughing at you behind your back if you keep showing off your greenness. Brown-up, man.”
Joe was hounded by news reporters asking what made him decided to de-pants the mayor in public. He thought about relaying the mayor’s job description comment, but decided to stick with the issue of how we can’t afford pet health care: “I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to subsidize old Rover’s erectile dysfunction meds with my hard-earned tax dollars.”
September 7th, 2009 Posted 5:13 pm
Bizarreville is about ready to offer a Public Option (PO) to its citizens so that everyone has some level of health insurance. Leaders would really like just a single payer government-run system, but since that is not palatable with 93% of the people who are already happy with their health care, they decided to call it an “option”. That way, you have a choice of keeping your beloved plan, or going with the PO…or so goes the theory.
The Bizarreville leaders would normally listen to their citizens. But in this case, the Leaders clearly know best, so they have invoked issuing the dreaded Official Bizarreville Brush-Off Proclamation, which reads:
The major businesses in Bizarreville love the PO concept. In public, they say they love Choice, because choice/options/freedom is what has made Bizarreville great. But in private, they laugh and laugh. They laugh as they plot-out quickly dumping their Health Care plan, and telling their people they must go with the PO. The cost savings are so huge that the execs are hiring new janitors just to swab-up their puddles of drooling-at-the-mouth. One exec was quoted saying: “Yeee hawwww. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop…uh huh, uh huh, uh, huh,” before he collapsed in shear excitement. An unnamed manager from one of Bizarreville’s largest companies, The General Deflabenator Company, said that the firm has already started processing cancellation notices with its Health provider, in anticipation of quick passage of the new bill. “We were wondering how to get out from under these spiralling health care costs, and now the Leaders have handed us the solution on a silver platter. Yeah, baby.”
When asked about the fact that their employees might not get as good health service, have to wait in lines, be denied certain medical treatments, etc., he responded: “Pffft…hey man, ain’t my problem no more. Here’s a quarter. Go call your caring Leader.”
There have been a few protest gatherings, but they have fizzled out after Leaders started calling them Commies, Anti-Bizarros, and Kids who just need their diapers changed. The Leaders also started taking down names, and that pretty much freaked-out the rest of the protesters. “Guess we’ll just have to be sure and stay healthy,” said one of the citizens as she headed home.
September 5th, 2009 Posted 5:06 pm
The new warden at Arsinbarz Prison brought in a new policy of enhanced interrogation techniques for inmates who have been conspiring to bust-out of the joint. While some of these techniques have been very controversial with the Mamby Pamby Association (MPA), the warden has stayed the course.
One of the most controversial procedures seems to be a technique they call Water/Bored. First, they restrict the inmate to drinking only tap water…no root beer, no iced tea, no coffee, no fruit punch or energy drinks…just ice-less tap water, not even any bottled water…only water out of the tap, room temperature. If that wasn’t enough, they then force the inmate to watch continuous reruns of Leave It To Beaver…no Lucy, no Andy, no My Momma The Car…just the Beave, 24/7. The Beaver and water…water/bored. Very cruel and quite unusual, frankly.
The MPA has strongly objected to this, citing that there is no one else in the civilized world that employs such a technique. They asked the warden if he would force his own kids to drink tap water. Naturally, the warden said he would not…but reminded the MPA that his kids were not hardened criminals. As far as the Beaver is concerned, the warden responded: “Come on, now, you can’t beat the hijinx of that Eddie Haskell.”
The warden says the technique clearly works, and they have been able to garner a ton of conspiratorial information that has helped foil dozens and dozens of escape plots.
September 3rd, 2009 Posted 11:49 pm
Please click on the Simpli-tax tab to the right to follow the continuing drama of our CPA friends. Part 2 has been posted.
September 1st, 2009 Posted 3:52 pm
Old Fred has continued to whine and chime about getting his own little piece of the Stimulus Bill. Everybody knows that Fred’s Discount Hardware and Adult Bookstore has been through some hard times lately. His customer volume took a cannonball dive when the WalMart opened across town, and the citizens realized old Fred was practicing acute hosery on them. The Good-ole-boy Fred prices for fittings, tools, and goops were, in fact, the Anti-Discount, prompting clergy to perform retail exorcism in the store. Bizarreville faithful soon gave Freds the 1-finger sayonara, and logged him off.
But Fred, ever the entrepreneur, kept moving forward by expanding into other weird niche offshoots and kooky inventage. He stocked the first doorbell which employed smell instead of sound. He insourced fertilizer development and packaging. He taught Plunger classes in the back office to anyone needing a refresher. He promoted “Overalls Thursdays”, no T-shirt required. There was no end to his cleverness.
But in spite of all these seemingly brilliant, innovative product extensions, Fred’s sales tanked, and he started losing moolah. Of course, he claimed the whole economic slowdown constipated his ability to pay bills, which ultimately caused suppliers to put liens on his bins of nuts and crates of other fastening units.
When he went to Screwbird Bank & Trust to try and get some relief, he found out that the bank had just gotten a $100K government bailout to stay afloat…but would not lend Fred one red cent. They told Fred that his business model stunk, and that the odor was not just the wafts from his compost pile out back. Said his sales strategy looked like it was written by a 3rd grader, which ironically is exactly how far Fred made it in school. Fred got so frustrated that he flatulated in a fuss and stormed out in a cloud of noxiousness.
We all hope that Fred gets his bailout. If he doesn’t they say they will tear his building down. And there’s a lot of folks who hope that won’t happen for various undisclosed reasons.