Archive for October, 2011
October 29th, 2011 Posted 1:34 pm
In Obamanomic theory, success-through-hard-work can only be logically achieved by exploiting the unsuccessful. No one can obtain profit unless he screws the other guy. And the “other guy” in most cases is just too dumb to avoid the screwing on his own. That’s where the government comes in…to come to the rescue and balance things out…protect the underprivileged, undermotivated, undereducated, underenergized segment of the population.
Obamanomists like to call it “sharing the wealth” or contributing your fair share…words that were carefully picked by Linguistic Experts, who shuttered when they heard the original terminology for this aspect of the theory: shaving a couple layers of skin off your a$$. The idea of sharing resonates well among the 94% of people who are not very rich. They point to billionaires and Hollywood movie stars who lament that they’re not getting taxed enough now. Of course, when common people suggest to these erudites that they go ahead and slip another mil or two in their IRS envelope, the uber-rich respond that their CPAs won’t let them because it would foul up their bookkeeping too much, and endanger their professional stature.
But there is not enough of these uber-rich idiots to make a dent in the national debt, so the sharing burden must then extend to the kinda/sorta rich, the comfy-but-not-really-rich, and the making-good-dough-but-got-two-kids-in-college segments. These, unfortunately, are the people who worked hard, got extra education, put in long hours to move ahead, not realizing that their savings would be “shared away” in the Obamanomics world. If they had only known, they could have kicked back and jumped on the mediocrity train many years ago. They could have joined the crowd going to that all-you-can-drink brewery tour during Finals week in college, rather than studying Thermodynamics with a half pot of coffee reduction. They could have blown off that senior management project presentation in order to go to little Suzie’s piano recital dress rehearsal. They could have taken a few extra “personal days” to sit on the back porch with a couple Natty Lights, watch the grass turn brown, and listen to Merle Haggard’s greatest hits. Too late now.
In Obamanomic theory, these so-called hard workers have always been given the upper hand. They were smarter because they had rich parents who could afford Dr. Seuss books to read to them when they were toddlers. They could afford to pay kids to take their SAT tests for them which allowed them to get into college. They got private lessons from experts on how to cheat on exams without being caught, using the snapshot glance technique. They were able to buy nice, high-powered cameras that they surreptitiously used to blackmail their bosses to garner promotions. They participated in elaborate Ponzi schemes to increase their wealth, baling out just before getting caught. Upper hand…all the way through life…golden opportunities that most other people were never given access to.
Obamanomics can level out these inequities and provide the less-privileged people advantages…just as if they had their own little Ponzi schemes and/or risque pictures. It’s called caring and sharing.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sharing lesson types.
October 29th, 2011 Posted 12:51 pm
If you are enjoying these Obamanomics Lessons, please consider buying our book, TALES OF OBAMALAND, chock full of little stories and fables from a Land not so far away. Just click on one of the e-retailer links in the right column—> and support the Bizarreville nation. Great Christmas gift for someone who could use to lighten up a bit when it comes to political discourse, and put things into perspective. It’s a much better gift than a polka-dot tie, fruit cake, or toe ring.
Posted in Life in Bizarreville
October 20th, 2011 Posted 1:23 am
Recently, the President was rumored to have said, in an off-the-record moment, a paraphrase of Kennedy’s famous inaugural speech line: “Ask not what your country can do. Ask what’s taking so long to get your friggin’ handouts this month.” There was allegedly some polite laughter at this line, but most knew there was a ring of truth in the paraphrase. In today’s day and age, it simply should not take so darn long, or be so difficult to get your entitlements….entitlements that you have earned by dedicated couchmanship. Obamanomics is committed to getting your welfare checks, food stamps, government-sponsored boondoggles, earmarks, free school lunch tickets, kickbacks, and other sleazy handouts to each and every designated recipient quicker and more efficiently. Here are some of the details of the new initiatives:
- Direct deposit of entitlement checks so no more messy lines and/or embarrassing questions about whether you are really trying to find a job, or have any intentions of taking any kind of initiative to get off the dole in this lifetime or any other lifetime. It avoids the unhealthy confrontations that can often drive the lifelong goldbrick into deeper destitution.
- Automated grocery delivery services to your door so you don’t have to wait in endless checkout lines and endure the sneers of cash-paying customers who seem abhorred by your buying $100 worth of cupcakes, mountain dew, twinkies, and nacho chips with the food stamps. One new service named “Snax for Lax” will focus on speedy delivery of all flavors of fresh potato chips to the entitlee, promising to minimize the percentage of “chip dust” frequently caused from chip bag mishandling.
- “Earmark Express” program that gets those earmark dollars into the hands of shovel-ready project contractors twice as fast as before, with less paperwork and the annoying scrutiny over how the money is spent. The program will also eliminate the bothersome competitive bidding process, which has proven to slow down the whole process of getting those shovel-ready jobs executed.
- Frequent Sponger Program. This will give extra reward points such as flatscreen TV’s, ipads, frozen turkeys, and round trips to casino boats for people who siphon-off extra monies from taxpayers above/beyond normal thresholds. Frequent Sponger Rewards cards are free, and can be obtained at most unemployment offices, post offices, and soup kitchens.
These are just some of the dimensions of the new Entitlement Supply Chain improvement plan. Obamanomics fully accepts the premise that some people, in fact many people, are just not meant to be workers. It’s not their fault…they were born with genetic lazy streaks, chronic space-outedness, learning dis-interests, tired blood, and/or attention deficits that have made them quite worthless to employers. They can actually pose a danger to coworkers due to their inherent bumbling carelessness and their propensity toward running into walls. Research studies have concluded time and time again that these people are best suited to be perched on couches or worn-out Lazy Boy recliners for the good of society, and kept away from any sort of high-productivity work environment. Obamanomics realizes that society cannot disparage these poor, unfortunate potatoes, as they are often called, but instead must find ways to make them feel good about themselves, feel safe, feel comfortable, so that they don’t slip into lives of desperation and crime. Many programs are established to do just that, such as the new “Lazy History Month”, celebrating 78 of history’s most famous slouches, including the creator of the increasingly popular Slouch Pride Parade, which is held annually on Un-Labor Day. The streamlining of entitlement payouts is just another pride builder.
The bottom line is a renewed, well-oiled machine for fast/efficient delivery of the entitlement packages will boost the entire society. And when fully implemented, the program is certain to be the envy of any welfare state worldwide.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even though you would swear they are real.
October 15th, 2011 Posted 1:28 pm
As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps. After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat? And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.
All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day. However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”. Examples of common food: burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies. Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs). TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.
Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct. Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free. The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door. Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands. Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang. The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers. And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.
The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party. The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.
October 4th, 2011 Posted 10:03 pm
In the theory of Obamanomics, heavy industry is just plain undesirable. Steel mills, paper mills, Febreeze plants, breweries, textile mills, auto plants are just ugly, stinky pockmarks on the landscape. They cough up nasty micro-particles that kill fish and dogs. They look so much better when they have been bulldozed, and replaced with nicely landscaped strip malls with free parking. These old-fashioned edifices need to be moved to other spots on the globe where the inhabitants don’t know any better, and are stupid enough to actually welcome them with incentives. Let ‘em have ‘em. In fact, we will provide our own incentives to help them pack in a new program called “Pack and Blow”. The destinkification of the nation will be applauded by not just enviro-whackos, but all citizens seeking a better something-or-other.
To help drive them out, Obamanomics has a foolproof strategy. It starts with legislating some new “get tough” rules on the environmental front. The government will partner with some liberal-leaning, research universities to concoct studies on the adverse health impacts of any kind of process emission…any kind os substance that could conceivably come out of a pipe or stack. They will conduct thousands of government-sponsored laboratory studies subjecting test animals to concentrations 100 thousand times higher than normal, and watching them croak. Pictures and video will be taken showing the disgusting deterioration of these previously lively creatures as their lungs fill up with various nasty gook. When enough data has been gathered, final reports will be edited to properly slant the findings to support the conclusions sought. Splashy liberal media coverage will be on hand as the government enacts new regs that are beyond tough, and clearly economically unachievable…obvious to even the dumbest CEO of a black smoke company. All will watch gleefully as these companies spin around like tops trying to defend their right to spew nasty pollutants that will do such harm to kids, grammaws, and their pooches. Protestors will be staged outside corporate offices wearing gas masks and wielding signs of babies wearing gas masks. It will be great comedy under a pretense of seriousness.
The second step in the heavy industry purge plan is to invoke some new changes in national Labor rules. This will start by requiring that all employees who take Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) absence get their full salary while away. The current FMLA law is fairly punishing to companies as is, with plenty of goldbricks finding any excuse under the sun to lay out of work. But making this goldbricking fully compensable will spur even more deadbeat workers to make their sore backs and grampaw’s hemmoroid condition a reason to shirk work. Why work if you’re getting paid to stay home and watch soaps? People will catch-on, absenteeism will skyrocket.
The next element is to step up OSHA wall-to-wall inspection audits of all manufacturing plants. It has been proven that bringing in an army of OSHA inspectors for a month to any manufacturing plant will discover a long laundry list of alleged violations, which can (and should) result in hefty fines. Followups every 6 months with more violations and fines will eventually persuade companies to shutter the facilities. If, however, a facility is stubborn to closure, it may be necessary to step up the followup inspections to every 3 months…that should probably put them over the edge. But in the rarest of cases, the ultra-stubborn manufacturers who just cannot see the light, it may be necessary to threaten them with criminal prosecution for “Willful” violations. Any good OSHA inspector worth his/her salt should be able to connect the dots to take these followup inspection results, and create a Willful scenario of some sort. Government lawyers will be dispatched to quickly develop the prosecution paths. The fear of a little jail time will most certainly do the trick.
Replacing a smoke-belching manufacturing plant with a new modern strip mall probably creates more jobs than it loses, on balance. Each small store in the strip mall will create 10-20 fresh new jobs. A large anchor store might add 50-100 clean jobs…jobs where employees can come to work in dressy new fashions, rather than dungarees and stained tee-shirts. It’s better for society in so many ways.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the lessons in economics.