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Archive for April, 2012

War on Moms

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April 14th, 2012 Posted 3:08 pm

Bizarreville administration officials expressed unhappiness bordering on anger from the recent incident of a piddly low-level Democratic Party operative making disparaging comments about the Republican candidate wife’s lack of intelligence about economic matters because she was only a stay-at-home mom.  The fumbling, inept, lead-tongued operative apparently had not been properly briefed beforehand by party officials.  Her statements which have now been characterized as the Democratic party’s War on Moms have been lampooned by pundits.

“We’re most definitely disappointed in her statements,” stated an Administration spokesman.  “We had planned to roll out our ‘War on Moms’ campaign strategy in a more subtle, clandestine approach so that the stay-at-home moms didn’t really realize what was happening.  Now the cat is out of the bag, and will require that we do damage control and regroup.  It’s just frustrating.”

The spokesman refused to explain why the Democrats were waging the War on Moms.  But it was clear that the spokesman had never changed a diaper, woke up abruptly at 3am for a feeding, or chased youngsters around the house who were bound and determined to hurt themselves on an electrical appliance of some sort.  The spokesman did say that stay-at-home moms have no clue whatsoever about economics or the business world, since those subjects are almost never addressed on Oprah or soap operas.  He admitted that the Price is Right has some economic connection, but Lucy reruns have very little.

The spokesman went on to say that they plan to articulate their War on Moms platform more in upcoming weeks…a platform that will push aside the old-fashioned conservative ideas of the past.  “That’s why Dr. Mervin Felkwash developed the concept of ‘Quality Time’ in the 1970’s, which got working moms off the guilt trip of spending such little time with kids.  He promoted the idea that it was not how MUCH time, but the QUALITY of the time spent with kids that was important.  He spread the idea that became ingrained in our culture that it was okay to blitz kids with jampacked faux attention, brisk toy-playing, and fast-reading childrens books to them.  And it was okay to have day care and nannys.  Hell, that’s why the Nanny State was invented…to allow Nannys to be fully recognized and respected in their important roles as surrogate moms.”

A reporter responded, “I thought the Nanny State was more about the government providing services and funding to cover virtually any need or want, so people didn’t have to worry about fending for themselves?”

“Yeah, that too,” replied the spokesman.

He went on to say that the idea that moms should stay home nurturing kids is cro-magnon thinking.  “The very idea that moms should spend all their precious time raising and nurturing a stable of kids like what has been done for 10 thousand years, rather than getting out there in the real work force doing pencil pushing, emails, spreadsheet manipulating, and other critical bureaucratic functions, is laughable.  There are jobs in the Customer Service world out there that need to be staffed by qualified people who know how to keep people on hold for 40 minutes, then tell them there’s nothing they can do about their problem.  It’s what we call REAL work.”

D.Wasserbag Schlitz, the head of the Democratic Committee, was asked to comment on the operative’s gaffe.  “It’s not us.  The Republicans are the problem.”  When asked what the hell she was talking about, she replied, “Go figure it out.”


Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.