bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

Archive for November, 2011

Obamanomics Lesson 10. The ‘Sharing is Caring’ mantra

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November 30th, 2011 Posted 1:12 am

The 10th lesson in Obamanomics is the simple mantra that sums it all up:  Sharing is Caring.  This simply pulls together the “Fair share” concept with the “It takes a Village” concept, and throws a little kumbaya group-sing togetherness into a great big pot of frothy broth…where no one is better than anyone else, no one is a jerkoff, and no one is every penalized just because they’re a little bit lazy or cherish their sluff-off time.  Even lazies need to be cared for, and nurtured…and before you know it, those loafers will see the light, and want to participate in work and other noble endeavors.  All they need is a little love.  All they ever needed was a little love.

All policies and programs must then fit with the Sharing is Caring basic philosophy.  As such, the Administration has commissioned a Secretary of Love Sharing to oversee all programs at the national and local level to ensure they are not Anti-Love in any way, shape or form.  Any threats to Love will receive an advanced pre-veto, to squelch needless work on a bill that is destined for the s#!t can.

Programs that create more competition will generally be considered Anti-Love.  In any competitive endeavor, there is always at least one loser…often multiple losers.  The 65 team NCAA playoff system is a classic example, where 64 teams end up being branded “losers”, leaving the court dejected, upset, and unloved.  Many top coaches have adopted the “Winning is the Only Thing” Vince Lombardi philosophy, thus making each and every loss an unacceptable, embarrasing piece of mal-execution.  No good coaches or true fans can love a team who loses…and the cards are stacked against them.  There are some rare exceptions, such as the Cubs, where fans, owners, and coaches are so mentally deranged that they love the team in spite of its chronic ineptness.  But in the normal world, winning is essential, losing is the norm, and love is scarce.  This is true of all forms of competition, and the reason in Obamanomics that it must be systematically snuffed out.

All new policies must be win-win, so that the Love flows evenly.  The slightly discouraging thing is that almost never in nature is there a true win-win, so very few new policies are anticipated to germinate.  Some anti-Obamanomists see the Love Connection as an advantage because it will grind to a halt all the rest of their goofy plans and programs.  “I love the irony of this whole thing,” one opponent was overheard saying.  “What a bunch of boobs!”

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the love-infested ones.

Obamanomics Lesson 9: Cash for clunkers of all kinds

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November 19th, 2011 Posted 4:07 pm

Continuously revitalizing the Obamanomic economy requires a new steady stream of replacing old/obsolete/beat-up paraphenalia with fresh new stuff.  In past decades, this was not so difficult because most manufacturers had well thought-out “planned obsolescence” built into their product lines.  These plans had assured that merchandise would fall apart, rust, collapse, or vaporize quickly and efficiently…often starting the deterioration process the instant the customer left the store’s front door.  Quality initiatives in the 1980’s unfortunately managed to thwart most of those creative efforts.  Rare exceptions still exist on such things as personal computers and smart phones which have managed to hold onto their 2-year-and-out technological obsolescence offerings, but even these are under attack by various quality initiatives.  In a confusing move, one smart phone company is now promoting their phone can withstand the weight of an elephant…in total defiance of Obamanomic theory.

Obamanomics successfully executed a trial balloon a couple years ago with the Cash for Clunkers (C4C) program, offering tax rebates on turned-in junk vehicles.  These so-called trade-ins were often such vile pieces of crap that they should have been outlawed from City streets with criminal penalties for hapless, willful endangerment of the public.  But the C4C program appealed to the Obamanomic primary focus group:  trailer park dwellers who kept their 1974 Buick Skylarks belching black smoke until they just wouldn’t start anymore.  C4C was hailed as a very successful program in administration circles to boost auto sales, and provide the enviro-sidebenefit as these junkers met the hydraulic crusher, transforming them into suitcases.

Administration insiders put 2 and 2 together and soon realized that C4C could be broadly applied to other big ticket retail items to spur consumer spending.  New automatic washers and dryers could replace old wringer washers and clotheslines.  New Nike shoes could replace old Converse All Stars.  Enormous ghetto-blasters could replace mid-size blasters.  Double-wides could replace singles.  Torn, ugly naugahyde couches could be replaced by untorn, ugly naugahyde couches.

But C4C has now become more than just a Program of the Month.  It is now a foundation element in the Obamanomic theory.  It is a new, less obvious, very creative way to funnel benefits to the underbelly, while boosting the economy along the way.  The beauty of it is that C4C can be expanded indefinitely to every category of product.  Any obsolete product can be called a “clunker”…from old worn-out underwear, to ugly hats, to last year’s fashion sunglasses, to jeans without holes in them, to golf putters, to Dell computers.  And, as always, the tax rebate benefits will be restricted to low-income and no-income citizens whether they actually pay tax or not…which continues to be a bone of contention with the opposition.    “We’re not going to quibble about whether a citizen actually pays tax or not,” an adminstration spokesman said.  “That’s not the point.  The point is replacing these disgusting clunkers to help society, help the economy, help the environment, help communities.  Focus.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even clunkers.

No need to stand in Black Friday lines at 3am

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November 16th, 2011 Posted 2:05 am

Forget the alarm clock signalling you to climb out of your warm sack to go to ShlumpMart to buy something you really didn’t think you wanted.  No, no.  Buy something you really always wanted…TALES OF OBAMALAND. Get in the election year spirit, with a little sarcasm and satire.  Buy your copy today…it’s waiting for you —->

Obamanomics Lesson 8: Obamanomic energy strategy, more windmills

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November 9th, 2011 Posted 1:51 am

The cornerstone of the Obamanomic energy strategy is the construction of 212 thousand windmills nationwide.  This will allow the permanent closure of 82% of all nasty coal-fired power plants, and all the carbon dioxide emissions and whatever other pollutants that they spew out.  When completed, no longer will these smoke-belchers be the #1 source of carbon dioxide; that distinction will then fall to human beings (no plan has yet been suggested how to combat that menace).  The administration promises to retain the legions of unemployed coal mine workers , and transform them into jolly windmill operators and mechanics, outfitted in wooden shoes and suspendered shorts…after, of course, they wash their faces.

The new windmills will pretty much blanket the land, making the landscape look like some sort of new Holland on a Red Bull binge.  The blades will be mounted high enough to assure they don’t decapitate farmers or scalp the top off RV’s and cheesewagons.  Unfortuntately, the noise will sound like the groans of 10 million stomach growls amplified by an Aerosmith PA system.  “It makes you hungry when you hear it,” a senior engineer on the project stated.

The windmills will meet most of the nation’s electrical power demand, except those occasions of calm, windless summer days when citizens may be forced to turn off their air conditioners and go back to manual shavers, can openers, and dish washers.  Citizens will just need to relax until things start blowing again.  “It will be like outdoor camping:  go fishing with the kids, take a hike, tell a ghost story, or something,” an insider suggested.

The Energy Committee had also considered solar power prior to making the windmill choice, but realized there were just too many cloudy days to pull it off.  This strategy, however, may be revisited once they run out of wind…provided, of course, that the windmills don’t block too much of the sunlight.

Detractors point out that all this is not “free” energy.  The cost to build and maintain these enormous units is twice the cost of fossil fuel equivalents, on a per-megawatt basis.  But the administration points out that the new units end up cheaper because they are taxed at a lower rate.

The windmill strategy, combined with the Obamanomic transfixion on electric cars replacing gasoline counterparts, will then eliminate dependence on foreign oil.  In Obamanomic thinking, this is so elegantly simple that it is surprising that it hadn’t been thought of sooner.  Another creative brainstorm being funded by Obamanomic tax dollars is the idea of mounting small windmills on top of car roofs.  “The faster the car moves, the more those little windmill blades will spin,” claimed Obamanomic Science Czar and Distinguished Professor of Entreprenerdial Studies at Bizarreville University, Dr. Eldnoid Milkfunk.  “We could get to where the automobile becomes energy self-sufficient above 45 mph.  Think of that!”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even grand visions of windmills.

Obamanomics Lesson 7: Neo-socialism, the new cool socio-economic system for the 21st century

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November 4th, 2011 Posted 2:33 am

Neo-socialism, in the world of Obamanomics, is not your father’s socialism.  The new version takes the learnings of all forms of flubbed socialist experiments of the past, then creates a political/economic system that is the smart replacement for capitalism.  Plus it’s cool and hip…an excellent fit for the new “enlightened” generation.

Capitalism, as all Obamanomists have known for quite some time, is a seriously flawed system.  It rewards the Rich with obscene benefits, while punishing the poor and driving them into despicable life styles.  Many families are too poor to afford more than one 50-inch flatscreen TV (some without even NFL packages), non-designer jeans, or more than one rusty Cadillac Seville.  Many families are forced to shop at Wal-Mart and suffer the humiliating, demeaning experience of obnoxiously crowded parking lots, shopping carts with squeaky wheels, stacked merchandise that has been picked-over by thousands of germ-infested customers, some merchandise wiped by crying, runny-nose kids in strollers.  These poor souls may never enjoy the luxurious sizzle of a Ruth Chris 50-buck steak accompanied by a 90-skin bottle of wine that you could buy at your discount beverage shop for 12 bucks.  Meanwhile, these poor-class people must watch the upper class enjoy double Whoppers instead of single Whoppers, large fries instead of medium, and those luscious apple pies…all paid with gold, platinum, or the next permutation of rare-metal credit cards.

Neo-socialism keeps a “faux” version of economic freedom, allowing businesses to basically make their own decisions…except for regulations on pay rates, work hours, material usage, process details, financial structure, logistics, building construction, energy consumption, and trash pickup.  Neo-socialism involves new concepts in sewer monitoring with advanced techniques that provide a window into what/how a business is operating…sort of akin to a urine sample for a business.  Naturally, executive pay, once the single most abused element of capitalism, is tightly controlled in Neo-socialism with standardized pay ceilings, and of course, no more incentive pay gimmicks, stock options, or other floozy shenanigans.  Production scheduling information goes into the National Computer Center with its advanced algorithms for total system coordination and fairness allocation decision-making and goods rationing.  Capital investment programs will be earmarked for environmental improvements…and that’s about it…no need for anything else until air/water are returned to the pristine conditions of the 1500’s when the only pollutant was the occasional buffalo fart.

It’s an economic system whose time has come, and a system that Karl Marx would be proud of.  He never would have liked the USSR version of socialism with its flawed collectivity system, political nonsense, mass murders, and defense paranoia.  He would truly embrace Neo-socialism with its tight control over excesses, its protection of the underbelly, and its equal treatment of all levels on the motivation/demotivation scale.  He would love the community aspect of everyone pulling together like a giant group hug, its absence of fancy cars and fancy houses, and lack of worthless things like little cupcake shops that serve no appreciable social purpose.

Neo-socialism will dissuade the propogation of Discriminatoids:  devices, gadgets, and goodies that upper-crusters can afford, but lower-crusters cannot.  Discriminatoids like Ping golf putters, jet skis, Swiss watches, expresso machines, pure-bred chocolate Labs, man caves, back scratchers, and heated toilet seats will be heavily excise-taxed in the new world order.  A heated toilet seat that may sell for $39 in today’s market will cost $439 in the Neo world, which should quickly dry-up demand.  By doing this, all citizens will feel the same degree of cold cheek when they sit…for the betterment of society.

Neo-socialism and Obamanomics…a match made in heaven.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the new ideas on world order.