Archive for the ‘Sports in the Cellar’ Category
July 23rd, 2011 Posted 4:22 pm
The University of Bizarreville yesterday was stripped of its 4th place conference football finish when it was learned that the school violated BCAA rules. UB’s star right guard has been alleged to have accepted a double cheeseburger and large fry combo meal from a UB alumnus last October at Slim’s Taste-d-Grease Burger Emporium. The BCAA official stated that they have video proof of Ernie “Longmember” Johnson walking into Slim’s, taking delivery of the combo meal, and paying for it with what looked like a used Harry Potter movie ticket. The burger clerk was found to be a UB alumnus who graduated with a History degree, and allegedly also slipped him a gratis hot apple pie. Since that allegation could not be unequivocally substantiated, it was not included in the sanctions against the university.
Longmember Johnson will also be stripped of his football scholarship, be asked to return his jersey, and be forced to spend 20 hours of community service in the public restroom maintenance department.
Longmember still insists that he paid for the burger meal with a folded sawbuck that just happened to look like a Harry Potter ticket. He thought it might be some kind of commemorative 10-spot. “For all I know, maybe it was honoring the whole Harry Potter series. You know they do things like that all the time.” He also stated that the burger sucked and the fries were cold, for what it’s worth.
The University offered no comment, except to say it would accept the vacating of its 4th place finish. A spokesman said they would be meeting with all players and coaches to stress the importance of not accepting burger combo meals, whether they sucked or not. “We’ll be telling them it’s not the quality of the violation meal that’s important. It is the principle of the thing. Don’t even accept a single White Castle, a Krystal burger, or a value-menu order of fries. They’re watching you. One skinny little french fry, and you’re home watching Lucy reruns with momma.”
UB coach Snuffbucket was asked if he thought the team could repeat its 4th place finish without Longmember. “Doubtful. He was a large load on that right side. Not sure we have anyone with that much sheer bulk to fill his shoes. Be happy to get a sixth place next year.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but generally not too far off the mark.
July 5th, 2011 Posted 11:45 pm
The Bizarreville Basketball Association (BBA) announced that it plans to lockout its players as a result of inability to come to a Labor Agreement with the Prima Donna United Players International (PDUPI). The BBA says that it is unable to make money in the business in spite of raising ticket prices to an average of $100 per seat, installing luxo-boxes that go for 20 grand, and raising beer prices to 10 skins (12 if you want it cold).
Basketball industry insiders point out that part of the problem is the general boringness of the professional game. Many fans are falling asleep in the stands, especially since they replaced the uncomfortable bleacher seats with regular full-backed seats. Concession sales then fall dramatically by mid-2nd quarter. Some teams have tried fan gimmicks like T-shirt cannons, ugly hair contests, and acrobatic dunking troupes to wake people up, but at best, it seems to only have a temporary impact. Once play resumes, the logs start sawing again.
Sports pundits express hope that the new crop of college draftees may unearth some new players that have a little more personality than melba toast. Jagmar “Melba Toast” Johnson, power forward for the Bizarreville Yanks, takes exception to that specific characterization, but also insists that the play is not that boring…especially in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter. “I find that the snoring significantly dies down then, particularly if we can sneak in a power dunk or two.” The feeling is shared by his teammate Lamar “M.C. Yawn” Shuffler, whose dry monotone remark was so boring that the tape recorder fell asleep.
Some fans think the BBA should implement a 4-point shot, to inject some enthusiasm like when the 3-point shot was adopted. But others say that would encourage some hot dogs to just start firing half-court airballs, which could make the game even more boring…if that is possible. Still others suggest the league should eliminate most fouls, take a page out of the Hockey playbook, and allow a more physical game with more frequent fights and pulling jerseys over heads.
“It’s getting that way anyway,” one Yank fan remarked. “Why not just cut to the chase, and let the brawls begin…legally. I think fans would love it, especially if there were more face-jacking and broken noses. Put some boxing ring-like ropes around the court…two guys go up for a rebound, one guy ends up in the ropes. You gotta admit…that would be fun. Ultimate basketball. I’d stay awake for that!”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sports themed ones.
December 3rd, 2010 Posted 3:02 am
Slam Futon, the freshman quarterback for Bizarreville University’s football team, continues to be under tight scrutiny by media and the BCAA. Allegations that his father tried to shop him around to different college football programs appears now to be true. Slam maintains he knew nothing about the alleged dealmaking.
A Shlumpville University spokesman, whose program made the allegations, said that an agent for the elder Mr. Futon wanted $160 thousand for his son to play there. When Shlumpville turned him down, he trolled elsewhere. He alleges that he next went to Bizarreville U, where a University official said, “No way are we going to pay that. Slam Futon sucks. He’s barely worth a hill of beans.” Mr. Futon apparently then said, “Okay, I’ll take the beans.” The University laughed, and said they were just kidding, and supposedly sent him packing.
But 2 weeks ago, a Shlumpville alumnus reported seeing a Campbell’s Pork & Beans tanker truck parked in the Futon driveway, with a 10-inch flexible hose routed into a basement window. The tanker truck, he insisted had a Bizarreville flag draped from the antenna. He failed to take a photgraph of the truck, but insists that he heard it emptying some sort of liquid substance convulsing into the home. Attempts to contact Campbell’s to corroborate the delivery story were met with a snickering, slightly obscenity-laced “No comment” response.
Shlumpville is continuing to push for a thorough investigation, even though Slam Futon has proven to be one of the most pathetic quarterbacks in college history. With zero wins, zero touchdowns, 33 interceptions, and 19 personal fumbles, he has yet to show any spark of talent. He was also reprimanded by the League for mooning an official when he disagreed with a False Start penalty after his fanny pack fell off during a 4th and 20 play.
Meanwhile, neighbors have been complaining about odors and noise blasts emanating from the Futon household.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem to ring true.
February 16th, 2010 Posted 3:36 am
The Bizarreville Luge team has reported that there is no friggin’ way they are going to compete on that treacherous track that tragically took to life of a Georgian athlete. “Even if they shave off part of Curve 16 and wall-off those steel beam headbusters, that won’t be enough,” according to a Bizarreville Luge team spokesman.
Officials say that the accident last week was no fault of the track, but was caused by human error. The rider was identified as being too inexperienced and only ranked 44th in the world. “Our best luger is 1044th in the world, for crissake,” said the team spokesman. “We really don’t want to turn our team into a 6-pack of meatball sandwiches on that Chicago Stockyard Dissasembly Line.” The spokesman went on to say that the quality of their team’s luge sleds is about one-half step above the Flexible Flyers at Walmart. “You get one of those babies going 90 miles per hour sideways, with someone about as qualified as my grandmaw on it…you’re going to end up with Brunswick stew.”
The players are not upset at the decision. The have indicated that they just wanted to come to the Olympics for the over-the-top festivities, trading pins with the Rooskies, and the free hot chocolate. Team Captain Skinny Jenkins said that there’s plenty of other stuff to do, and they might go try a little ski jumping just for the hell of it. When asked about the danger of totally inexperienced people leaping through mid-air off a mountain, Skinny said they would let their youngest teammate Mikey do it…and if he broke some bones, they might just dog-off that whole idea, and go hit Happy Hour in the Athlete’s Lounge.
But the luge sleds have now been retired, and the team may try to sell the sleds as souvenirs to some of the spend-happy Olympic fans here. “Anybody who would pay good hard cash to watch a Curling tournament, might very well be stupid enough to buy a luge for 500 bucks.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. And, as you can see, nothing is sacred with these idiots here.
February 13th, 2010 Posted 3:05 pm
The Bizarreville Olympic team announced that it made it up to Vancouver, and members are preparing diligently for the fashion parade at the Opening Ceremony and, of course, the events themselves. The Bizarreville team is led by Bill and Sheila Farkward, figure skating team hopefuls. The Farkwards could be contenders for the Gold in the skating pairs competition, but they have one major problem: They run their routines flawlessly in practice, but when they get into real competition, they nearly always take at least one frozen ass dusting at some point during their program. So, even though they technically come in as the favorite in every meet, they end up in the cellar and go home empty-handed.
The Bizarreville skating coach has been puzzled, and had suggested that they get psychological help, and booked them an appointment. The staff sports psychologist suggested they just try to block out the crowd and focus on the music. The Farkwards, never at a loss for words, said “Duh…so glad we’re paying you a hundred skins for that kind of brilliant advice. Would you like to give us a full critique on our program while you’re at it, or would that cost extra?”
But the psych-coach buffed off the sarcasm and said “Just imagine the whole audience is naked. That will make you laugh inside, and forget your nervousness.” Two sets of eye rolls later, the Farkwards bid adieu to Dr. Quackbrain.
But the figure skating coach overheard this advice and decided to help the couple. On their final practice before leaving for Vancouver, he instructed the whole coaching staff to actually drop drawers and get naked, just as the Farkwards started their program. They did. At that moment, Bill glanced over to the bench just as he was getting ready to execute a throw/spin move with Sheila. He promptly lost his focus and threw Sheila head first over the boards, and crashing into the second row of stands. She ended up with a few cuts and bruises, but believes she will still be able to compete.
Meanwhile, Bill told the coach to cram his stupid ideas and shut the f*%# up…or he would place the blade of his skate somewhere where the Olympic Flame don’t shine. Bill later said, “You know, suddenly I feel a lot more relaxed!”
February 7th, 2010 Posted 4:17 pm
The mayor of Bizarreville wanted to declare Super Bowl Monday a Bizarreville holiday. His reasoning was simple: the game is being played later and later every year, with parties now ending after midnight, making it very tough for him (and others) to make it into work the next day…especially after downing a 6-pack of Dogfish Head during the pre-game and scarfing another sixer during the game itself. The mayor thought his proposal would be a slam dunk for approval, particularly this year with all the interest around the two competing teams.
But, unfortunately, he did not realize that most of the Council members were not football fans. In fact they were un-fans. They did not even tune in for the cute, creative Super Bowl commercials. No, they preferred to watch the 12 billionth rerun of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, followed by the exciting reality tales of Ice Road Truckers. They reminded the mayor that February is not a good month for holidays…they had already lost one when they combined Lincoln and Washington’s birthdays. And the only way it could be done would be to eliminate one other holiday sometime during the year.
Of course, when the mayor suggested eliminating the Friday after Thanksgiving, he was promptly pummeled with obscenities and sneers by the 5am shopping faction of the Council. They threatened to march down to every retailer in Bizarreville and tell them all that the mayor was trying to ruin the most important retail sales day of the year. They would call him anti-business, anti-retailer, and anti-turkey.
The mayor was up for election in November, and knew that he could not recover from being labeled anti-turkey. He gave up the fight, and came to terms that he would gut-out a Super Bowl Monday hangover.
January 29th, 2010 Posted 1:55 pm
The Bizarreville Skunksprays football team finished once again in last place with a pitiful 0-16 record. There will most certainly be plenty of handwringing and February quarterbacking about why their team is sub-dysfunctional and why their performance is litterbox-ready.
But after the last game of the year, Bill “Skinny” Skurff, the retired coach from Bizarreville High School, had the whole problem figured out. “The Offensive team does NOT like the Defensive team, and vice versa,” he said. “I mean, they really hate each other.” The coach went on to say that their mutual dislike prevents each side from focusing on what’s important, and ultimately stymies the Skunksprays from coming together as a team to become successful. “That, plus the players mostly suck.”
Video tapes of the seasons lowlights confirm that Skurff is right. In one game, after an inadvertent fumble by a runningback deep in their own zone, you can see the Defense coming onto the field flipping the bird to the Offensive players. Later, after the Offense drove 92 yards to score a touchdown, you can see the quarterback unloading the F-bomb on the Defensive line players resting on the bench. Then later in the game, when the score was close and the game was on the line, both sides were engaged in some “kiss my ass” banter, which ultimately resulted in a crucial Delay-of-Game penalty that became their undoing.
In another game, video tapes show both sides mooning each other during a TV timeout, while the opposition team members just watched dumbfounded in amazement. “What’s wrong with those idiots over there?” spouted the opposition quarterback, who later threw for seven touchdowns in an 81-3 win over the Sprays.
Coach Skurff said that if both sides could show more respect and truly work together to help each other, results would certainly improve. But they first must come down off their high horses, remove boards from certain crevices, develop a little humility, and start thinking of themselves as ONE team, not two teams. It’s called team bipartisanship… recognizing that Defense and Offense can be adversaries and see things differently…but can also find common ground. Each side has different roles, different skills, different ideas how to win. But acting as one team and all players executing their roles well, supported by coaches who build and bring people together could take them out of pathetic perrenial last place dwellers up to perhaps a solid “mediocre” level. And who knows….get rid of a few no-talent scumbuckets, replace them with skilled, smart players who don’t deficate in their own pants…and it could be conceivable that the Skunksprays could break .500, maybe not likely, but possible.
It’s hard to teach an old Skunk new tricks, so miracles are not expected. Bookies are giving short odds on another 0-16 season next year.
January 17th, 2010 Posted 2:09 pm
Following a 15-year trend of increasing sports gimmickry, the silly sideshows have now eclipsed the games themselves in fan interest. Exit polls done by the Jallop organization of fans leaving sports venues have shown diminishing interest and outright boredom of the high-priced arrogant prima donna parade out on the field. More and more fans could not even remember who won the game, some even were not quite sure who was playing. Only one in 10 even knew who Art Shmellman was.
But all remembered and were excited about the cheerleaders shooting air cannons of cheap T-shirts to the fans…which was voted the #1 fan interest activity in the latest poll. Even though the T-shirts were often just goofy promotional crap from places like Bill’s TV and Appliance, fans would dive and crash into little kids just for the chance of snapping one up. At a recent Bizarreville Skunkspray football game, little Tommy Derfberger received a broken nose when Elmer “the Whale” Flabbertime launched himself over several rows to get a tie-dye. Ironically, the shirt size was “Medium”, 5 sizes short of Elmer’s girth needs.
Other popular sideshows in order of popularity included the old grammaw trying to throw a football through an orifice 20 yards away, the scoreboard icon race, the little s#*!t bands that go through the stands playing obnoxious mini-songs, and the mock fighting between opposing team mascots with a crotch-busting at the goalpost finale.
The Wave, which years ago was #1 in sideshow popularity did not make the latest Top Ten….although it continues to be exceedingly popular at some schools in Ohio, which apparently have not received the memo yet.
Team owners seem very happy with the trends. For years, they were able to only cater to the hard-core, cigar-smoking ultra-fans who would laser focus on game play and keep score in their programs. Unfortunately, this group rarely bought the 8-buck nacho chips, the 9-buck cotton candies, or the 10-buck vanilla cokes. The new fans load up on all this overpriced garbage like there’s no tomorrow, as well as the chintzy hats, helmets, and literally anything with a team logo, creating a huge new revenue stream for the salivating owners. “The experience has changed from just watching a meaningless game to a whole new social activity now,” one owner said. “I don’t know…seems like the new fans just want to stuff their faces more.”
Owners are now contemplating how to better exploit the ultimate sideshow: the tailgate party. One innovative owner is trialling a bratwurst tax, with a team of weiner checkers to make counts in the lot. If this is successful, you can bet that it won’t be long before all sports teams have weiner checkers on staff.
January 14th, 2010 Posted 11:38 pm
Bizarreville’s local NBC affiliate announced yesterday that it was totally fed-up with all the wankers running the network, is pulling the plug on these guys, and signing on to become some kind of PBS station. They say that the latest nuttiness over who will host the Tonight Show has been the last shovelful of excrement in filling up the NBC manure wagon.
Bizarreville’s station plans to keep a late night talking format, but with an intriguing PBS twist. They will employ PBS’ patented Pledge Drive babble for the full 55 minutes of the show without commercial interruption. This format, according to the station manager, will be used to target the key market in that time slot: folks who just want white noise to help them fall asleep in their beds. Negotiations are underway with Joe “the Monotone” Barker to host the show by just drivelling nonsense continuously for 55 minutes, while old-fashioned telephones ring off-the-hook in the background manned by a panel of drones. Joe has plenty of experience, and has hosted several interminable PBS pledge drives in the past 5 years with a droopy style that fits the new concept perfectly.
The station believes this talk format will be much more effective than the comedian format in terms of accomplishing the true goal: doze-off. They are confident that they can get a 90% konk-out performance within a 30-minute sleep timer. The station has tested the concept with office staff people, and found most dozing off in 10-15 minutes listening to Joe, even during daylight hours with several pots of coffee at hand. “We believe this will also make our viewers healthier by getting up to 30 minutes more sleep per night, and waking up more refreshed and energized,” the station manager said.
NBC is paying attention, has gotten the lowdown on the Bizarreville concept, and is rumored to be studying something similar…especially in light of Leno and O’Brien telling them to stick the Tonight Show up their ass. NBC has a stable full of mellow-voice yawnable candidates for hosting such a show, who cut their teeth in their limpy News department and have been putting the public asleep for years.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.
October 16th, 2009 Posted 1:10 am
Bizarreville elders have been following in earnest the goofy media flap regarding Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams NFL franchise. The hot rumor was that the Owners would object to the buy because his cash was simply not green enough.
The Elders are going to try and recruit Rush to buy the Bizarreville Skunksprays football team. “He would have been a mere minority owner in St. Lous, but would be a big-time solo owner here,” said Frank Spankhard, the current owner. “He could buy the whole kit and kaboodle for a buck 2.80, and I’d even throw in an autographed picture of Herm Spurple, the Pro Bowl water bucket boy.”
The Skunksprays team value continues to diminish with its mounting loss record, now 0-7 for the year, and projections of another winless season. Spankhard has considered just dismantling the team and walking away, but the League Board would not permit it. In fact, just because he had the temerity to even suggest such a concept, they took away from him one 2nd round and one 5th round pick for the 2010 draft as a sanction penalty. They also warned any further lip would cost him a 1st rounder. Team management shrugged, smirked, and uttered a collective “Whatever”.
The Bizarreville Elders feel that Limbaugh could come in and revitalize the disgusting Skunkspray franchise. He may be willing to pay (dare we say) market prices to get some non-pathetic un-bums. Might even try to hire a coaching staff from somewhere other than Lame Brain Refrigerator College. “Sure would be different having someone who actually knows how to attract an audience,” commented an arbitrary person off the street.
Opponents have responded: “Sure, maybe at first he might shell out dough. But he’ll quickly realize that he’s paid a king’s ransom, and the team still sucks.” When asked to serve up an alternative, a better idea, or any suggestion, the opponents just belched.
The elders have been calling the Limbaugh program all week, but haven’t gotten through.
October 4th, 2009 Posted 1:09 pm
The Bizarreville Skunksprays lost another heart-breaking football game yesterday, an embarrassing loss to the Nerfville Nerdnuts 27-14, pushing the Sprays record to 0-4 and promising another mega-losing season.
“I thought we had a chance to win this one,” said Coach Schlumpp. “First-off, the Nerdnuts are a pathetically lousy team. But when the Nerds lost their 1st string quarterback in the First Quarter, their 2nd string quarterback in the Second Quarter, and had to put their Kicker in to take snaps…well, then I thought we had ‘em. That kid was just tossing up rainbows, but somehow the Receivers managed to gather them in and score. And when the Nerdnuts’ main running back, the midget with just one arm, racked up 175 yards rushing…well, that was pretty humiliating to say the least.”
Fans left the stadium very disappointed but not too surprised. They have grown accustomed to poor play, poor coaching, poor management. Some fans have stopped attending, oft criticized for being fair-weather fans. But they have reminded us that it’s been decades since they saw blue skies, and the forecast calls for rain and golf-ball size hail.
Management shows the face of being upset, but deep down inside they really don’t care if the team loses…the fans keep coming out, the TV revenue piles in, the dog and beer sales continue, even with ratcheted up prices. They rationalize that there’s no guarantee of a winning season even if they pay big bucks for talent or knowledgable coaches…a brilliant strategy of maximizing profit margins. They’ve even parlayed this strategy into trading draft picks for old decrepid has-beens and picking up undrafted walk-ons and stumble-ons. Scouts continually scour the bottom of the stats charts and game low-lights using a novel points system that scores ineptness, confusion, mistake-making, and general lack of athleticism. It’s helped find those little horse nuggets buried in the hay.
“It’s a Cost Control model of high-esteem,” said Professor Stewbeed of Bizarreville College’s MBA program. “It’s a model that had shown past success among some upper Midwest professional sports teams, but the Skunksprays have taken it to an all new level. Each cut of cost has produced a significantly lesser marginal revenue impact, thereby providing incremental EBITDA to the shareholder. Bravo!”
“But what about the fans?” asked a prying reporter.
“Pffffft…next question?” smirked the Prof.
The Skunksprays face a tough opponent next week, the Murgatoid Marauders, undefeated and leading the league. Vegas points spread is currently at 63 points, but many Bizarreville citizens think Murgatoid will not cover the spread. “63 points?? That’s ridiculous. I’m taking the points.” The Skunksprays coach was asked if he is doing anything special to prepare for the game, and he responded, “We’ve bolstered our supplies of bandages, splints, and gauze…lots of gauze…and neckbraces, you can never have enough of those.”
October 1st, 2009 Posted 12:43 am
Bizarreville’s committee has submitted its proposal to become the 2016 Olympic site. Competition will be tough. Chicago seems to be a front-runner, with its first-class facilities, park settings with skyline backdrop, restaurants/bars, and fun things to do.
Of course, Bizarreville has none of that. The committee is pitching the Bizarreville bid on a cost/economics appeal, which is always a concern for the tightly managed IOC. Bizarreville’s cost dismemberments include:
- Round up of partly rusted-out trailers, stacked on top of each other as the Olympic village. ”Will almost look like one of those art-deco hotels at South Beach.”
- Stoke a bonfire instead of the Olympic torch, full of traditional old pallets, old couches, and wood paneling from defunct basement rec rooms
- Upgrade the Bizarreville High School football field for the big track and field events with a fresh pack of real cinders instead of that artificial rubber crap.
- Use Shmefle’s pond for Aquatics. Not much rehab necessary beyond removing a minor amount of pond scum, relocating a small frog population, and some air-freshener (or fans).
- Employ Honkers Edible Diner to cater the food, well-known for stretching a meal with creative additives and starch substitutes.
- Have some 50/50 raffles to cover expenses and create some real fun for attendees, a nice diversion from the goofy little competitions of people you’ve never heard of and will never see again.
Organizers say that the Bizarreville Olympics would cost about one-third of the cost of those primo sites, and would create a new model for Olympics of the future. Critics have called their proposal the “Junque Olympics” or the “Lame Games”, but the local committee dismisses it as Arrogance from the Arrogocracy (whatever that means). Melvin Fermerfermer, the committee chairman, said “Running is running, jumping is jumping, diving is diving…what freaking difference does it make where you do it?” They plan to construct temporary bleachers at the venues from a startup company called Rickety Rump… who will use older prematurely discarded stands to save money and provide a no-collapse guarantee. Rickety would, however, take out an insurance policy with Lloyds of London, just in case the unthinkable happens.
Bizarreville plans to minimize the so-called excessive security found at previous Olympics. The committee will ask each team to bring its own security and weaponry…a few thugs in black shades certainly wouldn’t hurt. The concept of mutually-assured massacre is believed to be sufficient disuasion against would-be terrorists. “The Mid-East countries may belly-ache about this policy, but we have a simple/concise answer for them, if the question should arise.”
The Bizarreville committee is confident that their 2016 bid will prevail, even though the odds seem to be stacked against them. “Go to Vegas, and put a wad on it,” encourages Chairman Fermerfermer, puffing on a big foot-long stogey.