bizarreville

Archive for the ‘Life in Bizarreville’ Category

Bizarreville Tea Party rally at the Monument

The Bizarreville Tea Partiers assembled at the Monument Saturday morning, numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  Speakers talked about returning the nation to simple core values, prayer, personal responsibility, and pragmatic leadership.  Speaker after speader took to the podium to express his or her idyllic vision for the future. 

The crowd was initially very enthusiastic.  But they began to become restless, anxious, and soon became agitated when it became quite apparent that no tea was going to be served.  No earl grey, no english breakfast, no darjeeling, no afternoon delight.  No tea.

A small group of tea-drinkers in the back of the crowd started chanting, “We want tea.  We want tea.  We want tea.”  Before you knew it, the whole crowd seemed to erupt into the Tea chant.  The keynote speaker desperately tried to get the rally back on track by talking about tax reductions, investment incentives, and federal budget balancing…normally sure-fire themes.  But clearly the crowd wanted brewed refreshments, probably settling for anything of a brewed nature.

The speaker explained that the “Tea Party” was just a metaphor for the government’s wanton disregard for citizens’ input in regard to tax policy, individual freedoms, health care policy, government bailouts, reckless spending, and arbitrary law-making.  He explained that the nation was wandering in darkness, and needed a movement to help shine the light on their leaders’ misguidedness.  A citizen in the front row yelled out, “Yeah, we’re with you on the darkness thing.  But we still thought you were springing for the tea, man.  I’m parched.”

Eventually some of the rally organizers scrambled, bought out the tea inventories at nearby convenience stores, and started handing out bottles.  But by this time, a large throng of partiers had bailed, and were rumored to had reconvened at several nearby watering holes.

“Next time, don’t forget the friggin’ tea!” the keynote scolded as he stormed out of Monument Park.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bumfunk Motors

G. Marvin Shlonk, the CEO of Bumfunk Motors, just announced plans to step down from his post effective Monday.  Shlonk took over the position 4 years ago, after successfully taking Lardmark Airlines into bankruptcy and applying for several government bailouts, handouts, and kickbacks.  He has generally been regarded as a liquidation expert, and used his skills to downsize Bumfunk from 6 carlines down to 2, shutdown over 500 dealers nationwide, and reduce operating costs by eliminating Product Development and other non-essential functions.  He was not widely loved by employees, but he had claimed that he did not care anyway.

Shlonk’s claim to fame at Bumfunk was the introduction of an innovative line of wind-up rubberband vehicles that required no fuel whatsoever, and fit the President’s vision of energy efficiency.  The cars also employed the patented Flintstone braking system, considered “leading edge” in terms of energy efficiency.  Shlonk converted several old-fashioned assembly lines that had produced highly successful, but gas-hog sports cars into modern lines to produce the new vehicles he named WhizzerFunks. 

Marketing studies had suggested the public was clamoring for this type of car, and would line up to snap them up.  Turned out, however, that people became discouraged after discovering the car required 600 cranks to travel about 3 miles.  Back-packing eco-nerds loved the car.  The rest of the nation’s car-buying public just laughed, and stepped over to the gasoline models, at Bumfunk’s competitors.  Miles of rubber band supply stock still sit idle in Bumfunk warehouses.

The true downfall of Mr. Shlonk came when he referred to Bumfunk as “Bizarreville Motors” shortly after receiving a 3rd government bailout and making all Bumfunk common stock worthless.  That little slip of the tongue was an embarrassment to the Board, who immediately demanded his resignation.

Shlonk has expressed optimism for his future.  He said that there are plenty other pathetic companies out there who need bailouts, liquidations, and his style of indiscriminate makeovers.  He hinted that he is headed for the consumer electronics business segment to seek opportunities.

Fat Talk

“Good morning, it’s 7:42 and we’re back with Fat Talk.  Are you as outraged as I am about these new proposed regulations in Bizarreville that would put a 50-cent tax on every can and bottle of non-diet soft drinks?  I mean, first it was the flap about having to pay for 2 airline seats if you were over 275 pounds…now this?  Call me at 1-800-CHUNKSTER, lines are open.  These feeble attempts by the government to thin us down to some pre-determined limit have gone too far, and it’s high time we rebel.  Our layers are bought and paid-for.  But here comes Big Brother again feeling a new social calling to manage personal behavior.  1-800-CHUNKSTER.  First call is from some skinny guy in Flumplard.”

“Yeah, first time caller, long-time listener.  You know you fat slobs sit around all day eating box after box of Oreos, bag after bag of nacho cheeseballs, Twinkies by the carload.  You don’t exercise, you don’t jazzercize, you never consider dieting, you just eat, fart, and s#!$ around the house…”

“So…..what’s your point?”

“My point is:  you and your tub-master listeners need to stop continually jamming your pie-holes.  Your obesity is affecting your health, and all of us skinny taxpayers are picking up the tab.  Most of you are too fat and too lazy to work, so you end up sucking away on the government dole.  Even without a job, you somehow still find ways to overeat, even if it mean sacrificing the roof over your head to get that double cheeseburger.”

“You sound like you need some Anger Management therapy, my friend.  There’s a good therapist …right next to the Main Street Bakery in Flumplard…mmmm…best peach cobblers I’ve ever eaten.  Like a peach explosion in your mouth.  And cupcakes.  Once bought a dozen of their red velvet cupcakes…melt in your mouth awesome.  Try it.  Next caller…?

“Hi.  I was going to make a point about the soft drink tax, but you reminded me of another bakery in Flumplard.  It’s right on the corner of 4th and Flumplard Boulevard…called Creamy Dreams, or something like that.  They make their own fudge that they spread over giant pecan danish pastries.  Never had anything like it.  You should try it.”

“Mmmmm…sounds good.  I may go there after the show is over.  You know, while we’re on the subject of bakeries, I just heard a rumor that a new business is opening up in Shlonktown to DELIVER fresh bakery items to your home…right to your front door.  That’s right …something we have been advocating for years…reminiscent of the old bread trucks, but this time with trays of all kinds of yummy baked goodies.  Don’t even have to get off the couch.  Call me if you know anything about this at 1-800-CHUNKSTER.  It can be such a hassle to traipse down to a bakery a couple times a day.  And, if you’re like me, you smell the place and never want to leave…here’s another skinny guy on the line.”

“Why don’t you just move into a bakery?  Do your whole show from inside a freaking bakery every day?  That way you could just blather for 3 hours about all the smells and new concoctions the baker is whipping up…put all your listeners into a sugar-induced fantasy trance…”

“Not a bad idea….hey, Johnnie, put that on our list for next week.  Man, I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  Got any more of those Ho-ho’s or Ding-dong’s hidden in your console back there, Johnnie?  Be honest, you chubby twerp.  Hand ‘em over.   Back in a minute….”

Survey says people want more taxes for school improvements

With the Bizarreville public school system in such an utter financial mess and facing infrastructure collapse, officials have formed committees, task forces, and special focus groups to help develop solutions.  The School Commission retained noted pollster Dimbleweed and Frumpp Inc. to gauge public acceptance/relunctance to enact a tax increase to aid the struggling school programs.  Over 2000 people were surveyed and interviewed from a cross-section of citizens.

The poll found that 49% of people surveyed favored a tax increase to pour good, new dollars into previously failed school programs.  39 percent opposed any sort of new tax, while 12% did not understand the question.

Initially, analysts thought this was a shocking result.  On closer examination, however, the picture became clearer.  Nearly all of the 49 percent favoring increased taxes were people who pay no taxes themselves, and are card-carrying bonefide lunks who sponge off the system.  Exit poll interviews with them revealed a strong desire to soak the rich a little more, especially those with jobs, savings accounts, credit cards instead of debit cards, and/or families without one or more deadbeat dads.  Interviewees felt that the best way to solve the school system problems was to piss away more money at it, especially since it was not their money.  One interviewee, to make a point, dropped his drawers and peed on a nearby mailbox. 

“Education is important,” another survey-respondent said, “and we need to support our schools.  In fact, we need to give all the teachers a raise, build some new buildings, and rehire teachers who were fired just because they’re not so good at teaching.  And while we’re at it, we need more free lunches with better food besides just pizza and salads.  And different flavor shakes besides just chocolate and vanilla…get some variety.”

It is still not certain how the Commission will use these poll results in determining how to bolster the sagging system.  Taxes may be part of the answer, but since fewer and fewer people actually pay tax anymore, there will need to be a broader-based solution.  A sub-committee has been formed to deal with non-tax proposals, but so far has not come up with any ideas.

Confirmation hearings for new general going slowly

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions.  Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general.  Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks.  His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background.  Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to.  The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation.  “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator.  It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated. 

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville.  People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release.  And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck. 

But the last charge was a huge concern.  “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said.  “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.”  A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said.  “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that.  I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him.  I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”.  I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar.  It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war.  It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma.  Voting is expected by week’s end.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

Simpli-Tax, the series part 18. The finale

Please join our band of CPAs as they apply the final nail to assure that any form of tax simplification will be dead and remain dead.  This is part 18, and the final episode in our popular Simpli-Tax cyber-drama. Enjoy—————->

 And remember, it was all brought to you by Tales of Obamaland, a fun book of fables and tales, satirizing everything that is stupid.  Please click on Amazon or any other e-retailer on the right to order your copy.  Buy one for Dad as a belated Fathers Day present, or buy one for your son to thank him for the ugly tie he bought you.  Buy one for your politically-savvy friend who needs to lighten up a bit.  You will love it.

Solution to the Gulf Oil leak: hot air

Members of Congress were invited down to the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.  Most members had thought that the purpose of the trip was to make a full assessment of the crisis, so they could report back to their constituents that solid action steps were underway to correct the problem.  Turns out, that was half right.

The full truth was that they were going down to actually be part of the solution.  A prestigious Bizarreville engineering firm, Shmedlock Partners LLC, came up with an ingenious soluton to stop the leaking oil.   They determined that if they could harness a high volume of excessively hot air, channel it into the broken pipeline through a specially designed nozzle, they could boil the oil, turning it into a gas.  Then with a separate pipeline under vacuum and a separator, they could extract the petroleum in gas-form, evaporate it on the ship, and load it onto an oil tanker.

The challenge, of course, was where to find a sufficient source of very hot air to make the process work.  That’s when young engineer, Jimbo Milkfard, suggested using Congress.  Principals in the engineering firm were surprised and excited about the brilliance in this young man’s elegant, simple solution to such a complex problem.

“The combination of the warm, humid ambient air and the high-volume of hot air coming out of legislator pie-holes is more than enough to boil the oil,” said Milkfard who had just completed the energy calculations.  “We may have to keep them on the mother ship for a few weeks until the situation stabilizes…may have to keep them there indefinitely.”

Preliminary polls taken of public reaction show overwhelming support of this idea.  “It’s a tradeoff,” said one anonymous citizen.  “One one hand, you have a solution that will clearly protect the environment, saving millions of birds and fish, and protecting vulnerable sea shores from long-term devastation.  On the other hand, we could have these blowhards stay in the Capital discovering and implementing new ways to waste our money.  Hmmmm…tough choice.”

Some congress people have belly-ached about this not-quite-voluntary effort to actually do something about the crisis, saying that they have lots of paperwork and other work to do.  The military has been brought in to help escort the feet-draggers down to the Gulf coast, and load them onto the boat.  One freshman congressman argued that he hadn’t been in congress long enough to develop a strong source of hot air.  But he was put on the boat anyway.  “Every BTU helps,” said the boat captain.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Simpli-tax the series, part 17

Click over to the Simpli-Tax saga, as the story heads down the home stretch, and the momentum favors our courageous CPA’s out to kill any form of tax simplification.  And also don’t forget to click on Tales Of Obamaland, for more satire from the world of Bizarreville. —————>

Bank bill meets resistance in Bizarreville

The Bizarreville Congress is in the process of passing a sweeping new bank bill in the wake of the financial crisis that almost took Bizarreville down to its knees.  In point of fact, Bizarreville was pretty much already down to its knees, but the financial meltdown took it down to around the ankle region.

The new bill would create new oversight agencies, a process to split up “too big to fail” banks, impose new limits on derivative trading, reform rating agencies, and offer a new Consumer Protection bureau to enforce rules on various ripoffs.

This last item seems to have created the most resistance.  Shmeldnik Easy Ripoff Loan Company spokesman Elmer Shmeldnik was vociferously opposed to the new bill, and spoke out in front of the Sports stadium yesterday.  He said that he had no problem smacking around those big ornery banks with their fancy offices and obnoxious bonuses…suggesting that they may need to draw and quarter a few of them.

But he was very upset about hammering the ”little guy”, an interesting play on words since Shmeldnik is only about 5 feet tall.  He argued that the small businesses of Bizarreville are just trying to make a quick buck, and it is just not fair tightening the nuse on the building blocks to Bizarreville commerce like this.  He claimed that his 38 percent loans help many specialized  business owners bridge short-term cash shortage situations, thus keeping them alive when otherwise they might fold.  And his private heavy hand security force provides dozens and dozens of jobs to guys with no  education whatsoever who have been basically unable to work in many other parts of the economy.

Many in Congress are listening to Shmeldnik and others as they work their way through the process.

Post office finally throws in the towel

The Post Office, earlier this month, had announced a dismal future outlook for their agency.  Coming off a $3.9 billion loss in 2009, with $10 billion debt on their books, they reported that their old operating paradigm was no longer working.  Even though they had cut 40 thousand employees and planned another 50 thousand in cuts along with drastic scalebacks in retiree health coverage, the future still looks grim.  Unless they change, they could be looking at $238 billion in losses in the next 10 years, Post office officials said.  Earlier they had paid McKinsey & Company $4.8 million to conduct a consulting study to forecast the outlook and suggest a workable scenario.  The big-time consulting company took the money, spent about 14 minutes looking at their books, and gave them a 1-page report saying “You Suck”.

Yesterday, the Post Office finally delivered the news many were expecting.  They are going to totally cease operations.  The venerable Office which was founded over 230 years ago by Ben Franklin has been unable to make a go of it for at least 100 years, but has managed to hold on only through the generosity of the nation’s taxpayers footing the bill.  Officials said that it’s time to fold the tent.

As most know, much of the traditional mail has become obsolete with the advent of electronic mail and information transfer.  Greeting cards can now more effectively be sent to friends and family electronically, and avoid the cumbersome task of going to the gift store to pore through hundeds and hundreds of boring cards, in search of the one card that is least boring.  The only major items being now sent by snail mail are bills and junk mail.  Bill senders have informed their clients that they will be going 100% electronic.  So now, the only issue is the junk mail.

A consortium of waste management companies has banded together to offer a service to continue some form of junk mail delivery.  They reported that junk mail represents about 40% of their trash business by tonnage, and continuing the flow of this volume is critical to their survival.  They have developed some synergies which will help the whole process become more efficient, primarily by placing the junk mail deliveries into a new slot to be added in their customer garbage containers.  By adding this convenient feature, the customer will not even have to read the junk mail, just flip a small lever and the junk will automatically fall right into the canister.  Several large credit card companies have voiced objections to this practice…the consortium has responded that customers can still dig the material out if they wish…but it may be combined with old banana peels, coffee grounds, and dirty diapers…their choice.  

In an olive branch measure, the consortium said that it will consider hiring ex-postal workers to be garbage men, if they can pass the psychological exam.   

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Don’t throw away your 44 cent stamps yet.

Greeks ready for a hot time in the old town tonight

The poor Greeks.  Their high-spending socialist/welfare program, combined with running up enormous budget defecits put them in a huge financial hole they could not dig out of.  They have been working hard with other members of the European Union to arrange some sort of bail-out plan.  As part of the deal, they were going to force mandatory pay rate slashings and tax increases to try and get things back in check.  That action caused riots in the streets, as Greek citizens blamed banks, industries, motherhood, and apple pie for their troubles. They set fire to buildings, which ended up killing several people. 

Citizens in the other EU countries were very impressed with the Greeks and their approach to dealing with their own problems, so many have volunteered to jump in and help them out.  Groups from the UK, Germany, and France have sent large contingents of people armed with torches in their hands to help them burn down the entire country.  On the way to Greece, the volunteers were given copies of General William T. Sherman’s memoirs on how to set up a 60-mile wide line of earth scorchers and techniques on how to basically flatten the land in a few weeks, leaving nothing but ashes in its aftermath.

“I’ll admit it’s a radical strategy,” said one of the English volunteers who actually started drooling as he talked.  “But it’s certainly one way to cut costs, by just drastically reducing overhead.  Burn banks, burn stores, torch factories, level homes.  Get people to just get the hell out of here…not just the greedy capitalist types, but also the sponges who have been sucking life, like Hoover vacuum cleaners, out of the Greek economy for decades.  Get rid of all these a$$#&les.  Level it all, and start over.  Seems like a pretty clever idea to me, quite frankly.  Happy to take part.”

Many in the world community have been appalled by this burn-down strategy, citing it as dangerous to the humans, goats, and vegetable-life in Greece.  They have suggested an alternate plan whereby the other EU countries would have their own taxpayers chip in a couple thousand euros per family to send to the poor Greeks to get them out of this pickle.  But when they surveyed citizens at random about this voluntary giving approach, they were greeted by a barrage of obscenities aimed at members of their families, particularly their mothers, and suggesting some acts that were not even technically possible.   

But these critics have not slowed down the torch brigade one bit, and they are starting to amass camps near Argos this week.  Leaders say if they can get about 100 thousand people lined up with torches and axes in hand, they can get the job done in about 14 days, end to end.  And it could be even be quicker if they can get some of the outraged Greek citizens to join in the fun.

One lady, Scarlett Flumpopolis, said that she was not going to leave her home, her land, no matter what the Yankees did.  A neighbor reminded her that there would be no Yankees in this hoe-down, only Brits and other fellow Europeans.  “I hate those Yankees,” Scarlett replied.  “Oh, Rhett, Rhett, what shall we do?  What shall we do??”  Her husband Adrianas responded, “Who in the f#%& is Rhett?”

 

Disclaimer:   all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Californanny needs a diaper change

California, the newly emerging leader in the nanny-state movement, is trying its best to set the pace in government control of those whacky kids in the state.  The problem stems from the fact that most parents in California have given up trying to discipline their children, preferring rather the lay-back approach to just let things take their course.  The result has been an outbreak in fat kids, some weighing over 500 pounds before they reach 4 feet tall.  One school system reported that a busload of these obese monstrosities actually caused the rear wheels of the bus to go flat when they all waddled to the back of the bus.  The bus company spokesman said that they have implemented new seat assignment rules for the uber-chunksters, and are asking for state government stimulus help to help pay for repairs to tires and suspension system damage, as well as brake system upgrades to handle the hefty new loads.

The California government is taking swift action on the jumbo problem.  They recently enacted rules that prohibit the sale of toys in Happy Meals, and restrict the availability of GatorAde at schools to begin to address calorie intake.  But they say that this is just the beginning.  They are now putting together legislation that will put chubby little Johnnie on a diet he will never forget.  It will include immediate incarceration of any flabmaster eating a cheeseburger in public, a non-diet soft drink, an ice cream cone, or anything that doesn’t look like and smell like a granola bar.  If taken away, the chubblers will go to a special juvenile detention center where they will be fed saltine crackers and bottled water for 30 days, or 30 pounds, whichever comes first.  Supermarkets will be prohibited from selling taco chips, cheesecake, doughnuts, pork chops, or cream puffs to any family who has a certified chunkolunker.  Any father found guilty of buying restricted food for his child will have his beer card taken away for 6 months.

Many citizens have become outraged at this new restriction in basic freedom and this trend of becoming such a nanny state.  One mother said, “We like our Johnnie to look well fed.  You never know when the next depression will hit us, and if it does, Johnnie will be all set for probably 6 months or more.  You wait and see.”

But other families are taking it in stride, and think the whole movement is a good idea.  “Our Freddie has become such an enormous chowhound that we have found him wolfing down dog food during the late evenings,” one citizen reported.  “Puppy chow by the bag full.  Old Rover has started getting pretty pissed off about the whole deal, and has been doing his business on the carpet lately.  If these laws get Freddie off the dogfood bag, well, I’m all for it.”

Doctors are also weighing in on the issue, in favor of the nannyist movement to slim kids down.  “We are finding so many children with knee problems and back problems because their enormous stomach weight is wreaking havoc on their spinal system and joints throughout their bodies,” said one orthopedic.  “Besides, when these elephant-kids come in, they steal all my suckers and I have to go to WalMart and replenish them.  It’s time for action.”

It’s not clear whether the aggressive rules proposed will fly, but many say the fight will go on until no child weighs more than 250 pounds.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.