Archive for March, 2010
March 31st, 2010 Posted 2:44 am
The cracker jack Bizarreville Postal Service announced sweeping cost cutting moves in response to their $238 billion projected debt over the next decade. The strategy will be rolled out in phases over the next 4-5 years to get them from 12-digit deficits down to a manageable 10-digit deficit. The Postmaster General commented that he has not figured out a way to make money handling/delivering mail, and has suggested they may start delivering pizza if things don’t get better. Pizza owners quip that a delivered pizza would cost about 38 bucks if the Post Office took charge.
The Post Office will initially start by cutting out Saturday deliveries and Saturday mail pickups to trim $5 billion/year in expenses, and put 49 thousand postal workers on the street. But within a year or two, they plan to eliminate Monday and Friday service, then in another two years take it down to just Thursday mail, and to hell with it. They are considering a new Self-Service concept, whereby customers could just go to the post office and plow through a big pile of mail on the floor to find their stuff…but it’s only at the conceptual stage at this point.
The Office was expecting there to be an outcry about this service cutback, but surveys have shown that citizens could not care less. Some people surveyed did not even know who the Postal Service was, until it was explained they were the ones who deliver Snail Mail that’s stuffed in that box at the end of their driveway. “You mean the box that has all the worthless crap mail in it?” asked one surveyed customer, who later remembered getting a birthday card in the box about a year ago.
Supporters point out that the Postal Service is reasonably efficient, given the fact that they are still using a business model honed in the 18th century, and run by a government model honed in the 11th century. They emphasize that most mail actually makes it to the destination desired, and challenge naysayers to find any other governmental bureaucracy that can get it right over half of the time.
Progressives have proposed bolstering the office with more federal funding, higher stamp prices, and maintaining bloated headcounts with generous wage hikes each year. “Cuz if they fail, who will deliver our junk mail?” asked a progressive pundit. ”Who? Fed Ex? I doubt it.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
March 30th, 2010 Posted 2:23 am
Several states in the Midwest and South hurriedly passed new laws prohibiting citizens from using the new “N” word in public. It is hoped that tougher enforcement will control the outbreaks in violence that have occurred since the Obamacare bill was passed, and the emergence of this new derogatory term.
The first reported incident happened in a cozy little bar in a small Indiana town, when one slightly inebriated tea partier called a middle-of-the-road independent “Nancy” in front of all the bar patrons. Before you knew it, there were “Nancy” calls being shouted throughout the bar, leading to fistfights, broken bar stools, and many pints of spilled beer. No apologies were given.
The story made national news, as an example of the pent-up frustration and anger stemming from the hyper-partisanship over the Health Care debate, and the raging disappointment over the performance of the nincompoops in Washington. But others around the country soon jumped on the bandwagon, and Nancy cat-call incidents started popping up here, there, and everywhere.
Most leaders seemed to understand that there was frustration. But using the Nancy-word took it to a new level…using a term that has come to mean an unscrupulous lying incompetent commie bozo…ouch. Chiefs of police around the country have said that there is no way that they will allow this kind of pinko epithet to go unchallenged in today’s politically correct world….and will be invoking a no-tolerance policy on the name callers with harsh consequences.
Curiously, liberals have recently called other liberals “Nancy” supposedly as a term of endearment. However, when overheard by anyone right of Mao, snickers and chuckles have ensued…as they made fun of the naive guy who just got slammed by his buddy.
Police say that the crackdown on Nancy-catcallers has begun, and is being applied whether used as endearment or used as a mega-insult. “We can’t take chances,” said one chief. “We will assume anyone using the term is being derogatory with it.”
Girls named Nancy have complained that no one will be able to call them now, without fear of punishment and possible jail time. Officials say that they understand the predicament, but have advised them to change their names to Mona.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but most of you figured that out already.
March 28th, 2010 Posted 2:19 pm
Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”. It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970′s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land. Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation. And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other. Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.
Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines. They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you. And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!” Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story: good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.
The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook. He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public. But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost. He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims. “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”
Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable. The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.
March 27th, 2010 Posted 7:05 pm
“Shut up. Don’t talk. Don’t whisper. Don’t even mouth any words. Don’t let your body make any sounds whatsoever. Got that? None.” This was the language that the President reportedly used in his recent one-on-one performance review with the Vice President. Reports are that he was issued a ‘Needs Significant Improvement’ rating due to his general incoherency and his tendency to choose the absolute wrong thing to say at the wrong time. The latest fumblerooskie during the Health Care bill passage celebration was by no means the sole reason for the special performance review. But the Office of Stupidity Counts (OSC) indicated that the VP has broken the modern day record for foot-in-mouth incidents since he was nominated for the post, and the President finally said enough is enough.
A senior aide to the Vice President has been issued a vaudeville-era stage hook, and was instructed to carry it with him at all times…public events, private events, non-events. “He may need to even use it when the Vice President is sitting on the john, if the guy can’t keep his trap shut,” a White House staffer said.
The VP allegedly has agreed to remain on Probation, even though there is technically no Constitutional language that covers Probation or dismissal of a VP on blabbermouth grounds. But insiders say that the President is not concerned, and will just instruct the Congress to pass a law “regardless of any Constitutional mumbo-jumbo”. He specified that they should just call it an amendment to the Health Care bill, or something…but just get it done.
An alternate remedy was to duct tape his pie hole shut with 6 wraps around his head. But staffers couldn’t locate enough duct tape to accomplish the needed sound-proof seal.
The Vice President supposedly has been humbled by the whole experience. But insiders say that he is busy learning sign language to get around the official restriction, and still satisfy his addiction to mindless blabbering. Experts in sign language say that it may take quite a while before the VP is adept enough to make stupid statements in sign language, and by that time, he will probably be gone.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were really true.
Posted in Leadnerds Spinyerds
March 26th, 2010 Posted 1:45 am
Complaints have been registered across the country pertaining to that sharp increase in the bothersome whooshing noise that cropped up on Sunday. Ear Nose & Throat doctor offices have seen their waiting lines grow to a staggering half-block long. But, unfortunately, the docs have been unable to offer their flustered patients any immediate remedy.
The Sucking Sound had been first warned by Ross Perot back in the Summer of 1992. But his crackpot style made people refuse to take him seriously. Nevertheless, he had forewarned of the Suckphonic Disturbance during campaigning, cautioning citizens to take action to prevent the calamity. And for many years, although the suck became somewhat louder and louder, it had never quite reached the eardrum implosion level, until Sunday.
Several citizens complained that their wallets had literally gotten sucked out of their pants pockets as they walked along the sidewalk. They would chase after the illusive sucked-away billfold, but when they caught up to it, all the bills had been sucked out, along with credit cards, medical insurance cards, and Lotto tickets. Only photos of mama and condoms were left in the battered wallets.
Other citizens claimed that the giant suck pulled zeroes right out of their IRA’s, instantly turning $200 thousand balances into 20 bucks. One guy claimed it sucked so hard on his 401-K that it took a positive $90 thousand balance and turned it into a negative 90K.
“How can that happen?!?” screamed the outraged middle-aged investor. “Easy,” his liberal/progressive congressman said. “It’s called sharing the wealth, sharing the dream, giving the less-fortunate a leg up…and teaching you greedy bastards a lesson. Complain a little louder, punk, and we’ll crank it up to Mega-Suck, and get your deficit into 6 digits. ”
Meanwhile, however, the loud sucking sound is getting irritating, even to the sponge crowd. They would like the same suck, but just less noise. Since no one knows how to do that, lawmakers are expected to approve a multi-billion dollar grant for a high-level research project to study Quiet Suck technology at a designated left-leaning elitist college. The money will come out of the new Health care slush fund.
March 25th, 2010 Posted 1:44 am
Driven by pleas from the Education Department, Bizarreville lawmakers just passed a new law requiring all couples who conceive and produce a baby to be married and stay married until the child (children) completes high school. The controversial law was passed over objections from the Fornicators Rights Association (FRA) and the Deadbeat Dads United (DDU) groups who staged protests at the Capitol with thousands of naked guys chanting songs and carrying lude, exaggerated signs.
Hard empirical evidence had previously been presented at lawmaker hearings showing an indisputable correlation between SAT scores, placement in Advanced math/science classes, and dozens of other measures of education performance with whether or not the child had a father at home married to mom. Furthermore, 90 percent of all ultra-numbskulls were found to have been born to unmarried women…most of these children eventually turning to a life of crime, as well as continuing their indiscriminate impregnation legacy.
The Education Secretary had begged lawmakers for years to get off their dead keisters and do something about it. The Secretary had asked numerous parties to provide support, and one major network chipped in with the broad-reaching TV campaign we have all seen, featuring Will the Weiner and his free-love exploits gone awry.
Spokesmen for the FRA and DDU say they plan to continue their naked protests until lawmakers start to listen, or it starts to get too cold outside. The recent cold spell that hit the area forced protestors to light some small bonfires, but unfortunately these caused an outbreak of singed short hairs.
Meanwhile, however, all will have to comply with the law or face the surgical consequence specified in the law. Lawmakers did say that these johnson-ectomies would be covered in the new Health Care reconciliation bill.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.
March 23rd, 2010 Posted 11:05 pm
The President has had his whole staff dreaming up creative ways to raise taxes to pay for the myriad of new entitlement programs and chip away at the trillion-plus annual budget deficit. He reportedly would like to find a way to do it so that the public ends up applauding him, rather than excoriating him, for yet another tax. But how to raise a tax that would have any amount of public support? One senior flunkie had an idea, and the President quickly embraced it.
The President will announce the new tax which will go into effect on April 1: the Credit Card Solicitation and Junk Mail Reconciliation Act. The new provision will place a $1.00 tax on every snail-mailed credit card offer, and the tax would have to be paid by the credit card companies by the 15th of every month. Every “Low APR, no annual fee for the first year, reward point bonuses” Visa, Master Card, AmEx or any other mailed solicitation will be subject to the new Buck Junk tax.
As expected, the measure has received broad initial backing from citizens, the US Postal Service, and not surprisingly the garbage collector industry. “We been busting our humps for the last 10 years with heavier and heavier loads per household,” said Mick McFunknose, president of the Collectors Union Local 69. “Our back strain and knee strain injury rate has doubled during that period. And it’s because of all that junk mail! It has forced us to early-retire Collectors at 55, because they can’t physically handle the larger and larger containment units. These are guys who would like to work the cans for another 5 to 7 years, but just can’t pull the load. This new law could bring old Collectors out of retirement, and back on their cans.”
Industry analysts estimate the average citizen receives 100 credit card solicitations per year, which would generate about $30 billion in new revenues. There would also be savings in the costs of waste disposal, hauling, and landfill tipping fees that would save additional money.
But the new law would go beyond credit cards, and extend the Buck Junk tax to all junk mail, including vacation promotions, real estate offers, college donation solicitations, garbagey coupon packs, club solicitations, time-share opportunities, frequent flyer promos, and most anything that gets immediately tossed. Experts say this could generate another $40 to 50 billion in tax revenues.
One additional provision is to allow TeleMarketers to call potential customers, overturning the call-blocking laws that many states have instituted. This had been a thorn in the side of the TeleMarketing industry for several years, and its overturn would be a great victory for them. The only negative conceivably objectionable in the new law would be that they will have to pay 10 dollars to each person they call, each time they call, and another one dollar to the Federal government as a Buck Junk tax. Administration officials see this as a small price to pay for reaching millions of new customers.
Even the Tea Party leadership has come out in favor of this one. “In general, we are solidly against any/all new taxes levied on our over-taxed citizenry,” a Tea Party spokesman said. “But, in this particular case, let’s tax the hell out of those friggin bastards.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that would be so nice if they were true.
March 22nd, 2010 Posted 11:30 pm
Reports from law enforcement offices are that drunken drivers over St. Patrick’s Day were far drunker than years past. Drivers pulled over and arrested had blood alcohol levels twice the legal limit on average, with some 3 times the limit. Authorities are wondering what has caused this surge…but think they may have the answer: Jello shots.
“We used to focus on excessive beer drinking,” the Police chief said. “But with the skyrocketing price of beer in bars, you will run out of money before you get drunk enough to be a danger on the road.”
“We also had considered excess Margarita drinkage as a potential problem. But our investigation showed that bars were watering the drinks down more and increasing the salt on the glass rims to increase their profit margins. A perpetrator would just about go into a salt-poisoning overdose state before getting above the legal alcohol limit.
“But we finally came across the Jello shot trend, and believe that may need to be the problem du jour to be tackled. We are in the process of encouraging bars to sell less-tasty Jello flavors like rhudabega or asparagus, if they suspect a customer has had too much. That may not stop them, but at least may slow them down while they shiver and shake off the taste.
“As always, we encourage drunk customers to call for a taxi. The only problem we’ve seen lately is that a lot of the taxi drivers are now getting drunk on jello shots. And it is so hard to determine if a taxi driver is drunk, because they drive like such idiots when they’re sober.”
March 21st, 2010 Posted 4:48 pm
Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer. Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?
Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised. “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country. If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.
“This would create 2 problems: First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale. Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition. There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.
“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers. There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point. There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’. It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again. And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.
“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step. The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation. I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”
Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis. He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.
March 20th, 2010 Posted 5:07 pm
Luis Gutierrez, representative from Illinois, was the latest in the series of Dems who have indicated plans to switch from No to Yes on the upcoming Obamacare vote. Mr. Gutierrez was asked why he switched.
“Originally, I thought the Obamacare program sucked, sucked bad. I was concerned, along with my constituents, that the government takeover of one-sixth the economy was not what we wanted, the death panels were a bad idea, and the trillion dollar cost tab was obnoxious. Furthermore, I felt that we shouldn’t make the taxpayer pay for sex change operations or male enhancement hormone therapy. But what really irked me was when I heard that the new bill would not allow illegal immigrants to participate. I was flabbergasted at this unfair act of blatant discrimination.
“But I met with the President, and he helped put it all in a better perspective. He told me that the evil Health Insurance companies were busy building a Death Star to blow up the planet, similar to the one that destroyed Alderaan. Those insurance creeps have been using the enormous profits raked from our poor citizens to finance the construction work, and it was slated for completion within 4 years. He said if we don’t stop them, crush them, they will complete the Death Star, relocate all their favored people onto it, and super-laser beam the earth. The President also mentioned that he had inside information that there would be zero illegal aliens invited to board the Death Star…zip, nada.
“I knew that the Insurance companies were bad guys, but I never knew they were this nasty. I knew they were indiscriminately jacking our rates up, but I never knew where all the money was going. I thought that the rates were going up to pay for more technologically-advanced diagnostic equipment and extensive medical treatment facilities to prolong life. Now I find out it has been used for technologically-advanced evil spacecraft to extend life for these extra-terrestial wannabes. Man, was I wrong on that one! No clue.”
Obamacare bill opponents told Gutierrez that the Death Star garbage was pure crap. They laughed and said there is no such thing as a Death Star, and even if there was, they certainly wouldn’t blast Earth. But Gutierrez responded that this was the honest-to-goodness President telling him this information, and there is no way he would ever make up that kind of stuff. Luis said we need to support Obamacare immediately and snuff out these Insurance freaks and all their illicit buddies before we all end up vaporized.
Gutierrez looks at it from a practical standpoint now: a trillion dollars to save the entire planet? Easy choice. “I’m on board with the President on this one.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.
March 19th, 2010 Posted 12:57 am
BB: Looks like the House is going to try to pass the Senate bill by some flakey “deem and pass” rule so they don’t have to actually vote on this package of sheer stupidity. Is that okay with you?
BO: I don’t give a s#!% what procedural tom foolery they use to jam it through…just so long as the pass the friggin thing and I sign it.
BB: We asked our viewers to email suggested questions. More than 18 thousand took time to email them in. Here’s one from California asking why all the intimidation, arm twisting, seedy deals…
BO: Pfffft….18 thousand? That’s nothing. I could line up 40 thousand left wing kooks in less than 15 seconds who want more arm twisting, more seediness, and a hell of a lot more intimidation. That’s why I’ve been stumping to intimidate these fence sitters.
BB: But these are real people…
BO: People, shmeeple. Most of them don’t know what’s good for them. It’s like when our moms forced castor oil down our throats when we were sick kids. We just held our nose and gulped it down. If we had a vote in those days, the castor oil company would be out of business.
BB: But what about all these skanky deals, like the Connecticut deal…
BO: The who….what???
BB: The Connecticut 100 million bucks for the hospital deal, or Montana special asbestos program, or Florida’s special deal on Medicare. The people in Bumf%*k , New Jersey are wondering when their sweetheart package is coming down the pike? People are saying this whole process is butt-ugly.
BO: Okay, sure. I, too, called this whole dealmaking process an “ugly” process at the Summit last month. But the fact is, you have to do a certain amount of ugly stuff to get the votes. I don’t like it, Harry Reid doesn’t like it, Nancy doesn’t like it…but it’s just something we have to do to get stuff passed. The Republicans did the same thing when they were in charge.
BB: But, sir, they did it on chicken sh!# bills. You are doing it on a bill that will impact one-sixth of the US economy. One sixth, dude…
BO: Yes, but we’re not transforming one-sixth of the economy all in one fell swoop. It’s going to take a dozen swoops, maybe two dozen swoops before we get this health care program completely controlled by government. I rejected a lot of strong demands from the Left who wanted a much quicker transition to socialized medicine. But I said: ‘Whoa…hold off until Swoop #3 or #4 with those notions so we don’t totally freak out the country with our master plans.’ You see I’m trying to act like a centrist, and work with the other side.
BB: The Congressional Budget Office has said the $500 billion you say you’re going to save on Medicare is not even being spent on Medicare today. Are you just making this stuff up as you go along?
BO: Yes, partly. It’s kind of like what we did when we talked about job loss avoidance. There are really not any new jobs being created, but how can you spin that kind of bad news? Easy, just talk about how many jobs might have been lost if we didn’t do these goofy programs. We have excellent analysts who can gin up these fictitious numbers to make it sound good to the public…
BB: Sir, you are filibustering again. With all due respect, could you just answer the question without all your mindless blabbering?
BO: The point is, yes, we play a numbers game…shifting money between accounts, so that we can say we saved here or there…when in fact we’ll be spending cash out the ying-yang. Some people have figured it out, but honestly, most citizens are too dumb to know the difference, especially our core voters. They don’t care about the $500 billion, they just care about getting that sales price on the Cheeto’s at WalMart.
BB: Well, sir, we’re almost out of time. One last question: if this Obamacare bill doesn’t pass, does this mean you will be considered by historians to be the most incompetent president since Millard Fillmore?
BO: You’re a pretty funny guy. I’m surprised you haven’t gone on the comedy club circuit, rather than hanging around the Creepsville at Fox. Time to wrap this one up. Good night.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. But you probably figured that out already.
March 18th, 2010 Posted 12:43 am
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it,” Nancy Pelosi said recently in describing her intended path forward on the Obamacare bill. Naturally, sound bites can be taken out of context and misinterpreted, so Bizarreville brings you the full speech made by Ms. Pelosi to better understand this odd-ball quote.
“We have to pass this bill to find out what’s in it. Truly no one knows what’s in the bill because it keeps changing minute by minute, as we layer skanky deals, sleazy kickbacks, and other unconscionable wizardry to get reluctant lawmakers to get with the friggin program. Honestly, no one up here knows what’s in this bill or any other bill for that matter. It just takes too long to read the darn things. To tell you the truth, I haven’t read a single bill since I got this gig. Most of them are so full of legal garblety gook that I start dozing off after page one…yawn…I get sleepy even talking about it. Got any No Doze? Besides, I have high-paid flunkies to read this crap. If there’s something I need to know, they’ll tell me.
“But the real point is: it does not matter what’s in this particular bill. Content is irrelevant. It’s about taking over the Health care program….duhhh. It’s a cornerstone in our revolution to get rid of the greedy private insurance companies that are making outrageous 3-percent profit margins, and get everyone and their uncle on the government dole… with the program controlled by smart people in high offices, rather than the whims of the so-called market. Haven’t you all figured that out yet? We’re going to be introducing the 100% Public program soon….oops, I mean public option….I keep forgetting it’s an ‘option’ (ha, ha). We’ll turn Blue Cross into Blue Sauce by this time next year.
“But the real question is how to get this thing passed. I’m not exactly sure how we’re going to pass the bill, but we will pass it one way or the other. We may vote on it if we have the votes. Or we may skip the voting process and just ‘deem’ it passed. I like the deem approach personally. Think I might deem myself a trip to Bermuda, or deem myeself a new 5-karat diamond ring…maybe deem myself a raise to pay for it all. Yeah, deeming…glad we thought of it. Deem a few Republicans to go jump off a bridge with a couple cases of tea bags in their arms.
“But listen, here’s the deal. We’ll pass the Obamacare bill…incidently why haven’t you guys called it Pelosi-Care….I think I deserve at least partial credit for it all. Then we’ll eventually figure out how it will work, and pass whatever bills we need to get it done. That’s it…simple. For the life of me, I don’t understand why everyone wants to make this thing so complicated.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.