Archive for October, 2010
October 12th, 2010 Posted 12:06 am
Bizarreville economists recently stated that the Big Recession, largest since World War II, ended 15 months ago. This announcement came as a big surprise to most people who mistakenly thought things were still in the crapper.
At a news conference, noted Bizarreville University economist Dr. Melvin Derfberger made the announcement and fielded questions from the press. When asked how he factored the continuing 10 percent unemployment rate into his recession formula, he replied, “Did not really put much weight on that variable. You see, true unemployment numbers are impossible to pin down since so many people are in and out of the workforce. Plus, typical unemployment figures don’t normally take into account the illegal Mexicans and Chinese people working in restaurants who basically have zero percent unemployment. Skews the numbers.”
A second question was asked about how he reconciled his conclusions with the pathetic housing market. “The housing market’s impact on the economy has been overblown by psuedo-econo-wannabes. Everybody has got to live somewhere. Buy one house, sell another. Build one house, condemn another. It all balances out, you see. Next question?”
He was then challenged by one nervous reporter who cited that the stock market was still 30% below pre-recession highs. Several companies, including Generous Motors went in the tank and slipped their stockholders the worm. Other companies fell so low in market value, it will probably take generations to recover. 401K’s are hardly worth the paper they are printed on.
“So what’s you point?” answered Dr. Derfberger. “Hey, I lost my shirt, too. Bought several thousand shares of that Donkey Burger stock…remember the one that claimed to be a healthier alternative to beef? Yeah, I pushed all-in on that one. But you know what? I’m still here.”
Finally he was asked about the cratered level of consumer confidence, which predicts a very lean holiday season for retailers. The good doctor replied, “Confidence, Shmodfidence.”
He summed up his presentation, sensing cynicism in the crowd of reporters, by stating that his analysis was the consensus of over 35 PhD economic professors who, while they’ve never actually been in the workforce or held anything resembling a real job, were still very smart people who sat on many Boards. He stated some had even won Egg Head awards and a couple had deep, authority-sounding voices that sounded like the bass guy in the Oak Ridge Boys.
Stocks went up in early trading after the announcement, but took a 180-degree turn late in the afternoon to finish 2 percent down for the day. Futures are sharply lower.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.