bizarreville

Archive for February, 2018

Olympics on TV

Olympic Hopeful Dream is Dashed

The Bizarreville Town Council was disappointed that their Olympic hopeful in the ski jump competition at PyeongChang placed only 38th overall, well out of medal contention.  Elroy Lunchner, who had been considered a shoe-in for the Bronze, failed to get much aero-lift in his launch, resulting in a jump of only 39 meters.  He beat out two Latvian jumpers, who both crashed on takeoff and got tangled in the snow fences.

Lunchner claimed there was meddling by the Russians, contributing to his pathetic performance and total failure.  He said that he had received social media messages supposedly on the newest-fangled ski jumping techniques, which turned out to be totally bogus.  He sobbed that he should have known better when they suggested to turn your skis around backwards for less wind resistance, and wear a loose-fitting ski jacket that would act like a hot air balloon to provide additional lift.

On a brighter note, there were almost no Bizarreville citizens watching the action on TV anyway.  The Olympics had gotten so darn boring with the endless coverage of excruciating cross-country skiing, flippety-flopping snow boarders, figure skating rump-outs, and insomniac-curing curling competitions, that most citizens simply turned their channels to The Bachelor Winter Games faux-counterpart.

 

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are still fictional, except the boring Olympics part.

ATTENTION BIZARREVILLE NATION

As we prepare for St Patrick’s Day, a day to celebrate the glories of inebriation, hijinks, and hilarity, consider giving LAME DUCK as a gift to a friend or colleague.  It is a wildly funny satirical novel of 3 friends…the President, a renowned doctor, and a corporate CEO…as they are coasting into retirement, until a crisis spoils their sluff-off plans.  You’ll like it.  Great with beer (green or otherwise).  Click on the book cover on the right to link to Amazon, and thanks for your support of Bizarreville.

The Unknown Democrats

Reports have come in that the increasingly narrowing group of malcontents, affectionately known as The Unknown Democrats, have gone into hiding.  These people, who are professed Trump-haters, are experiencing psychological trauma brought about by the booming US economy, skyrocketing stock market, record low unemployment levels, strength abroad, and generally positive levels of confidence in the future.  The hard core element still believes that a Melt Down is right around the corner, but many of their former loyal followers are telling them to piss off.

Some of the leaders of The Unknown Democrats have gone to putting bags over their heads, with narrow eyeholes and frowny faces cut into the bags.  The disguises are to mask the big smiles on their real faces from reaping 30-plus percent gains in their 401K’s and personal stock portfolios, and an employment playing field that has allowed their previously moochy kids to get actual jobs that pay.  In some cases, their tears of joy have soaked through the paper.  Not to worry…they conveniently explain that these are tears of sadness because of Trump’s stubborn insistence on keeping Guantanamo Bay terrorist prison open.

One challenge they are facing is a shortage of brown bags.  With so many supermarkets moving to plastic bags, and states like California legislating basically the elimination of bags in supermarkets, paper bag producers have scaled way back.  The thought of using plastic bags over their heads is reportedly being called “repugnant” by senior UD officials.  Other, environmentally-friendly head coverings are being investigated, including a material made entirely out of kale.  Stay tuned.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but sure sound like they could be real.