Archive for July, 2011
July 31st, 2011 Posted 1:35 pm
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
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July 28th, 2011 Posted 9:29 pm
Last year, the Siesta Club, Bizarreville’s most radical environmental activist group, filed a lawsuit challenging the amount of pollution emitted from 28 Bizarreville manufacturing plants. The suit alleges that the pollutants have done and continue to do significant harm to humans, animals, and plant life. They cite a study conducted by the 6th grade Boinkertown Elementary School which particularly focused on the ill-effects of sulfur dioxide. The students conducted a lab experiment showing high levels of SO2 made various species of weeds turn brown and made some grasshoppers act crazy. “Plus it smelled pretty bad…like someone cut one,” reported one of the science students.
The Siesta Club is trying to force the 28 factories to install high-tech pollution control equipment to settle the suit. “It doesn’t matter what it costs,” said Dr. J. Perch Plumpsnark, executive director of the Club. “You can’t put a price tag on health. What’s the price of poor old Rover developing a life-long hacking cough? What’s the price of seeing leaves on perfectly good weeds with nasty brown edges everywhere you look? What about poor grampaw suffering from emphysema after 60 years of chain-smoking, now unable to take a full breath because of these pollutants? Priceless…that’s what.”
A spokesman for the Bizarreville Manufacturers Association responded to the suit by saying that the amount of SO2 emitted by these factories was equivalent to putting an eyedrop of roach urine in the Indian Ocean. He said the cost of installing the control equipment would be somewhere north of $65 billion, would increase operating costs 18%, result in 4 million additional tons of waste entering landfills, and…incidently…have a deteriorating effect on the globe’s ozone layer. “These whackos cannot be serious about this lawsuit,” the BMA spokesman said. “I know that a lot of the club members are chronic dope-smokers, but it looks like someone has been putting some pretty nasty stuff in their bongs lately.”
The BMS asked for the case to be summarily dismissed. But the District Judge refused to grant a dismissal. Risking a contempt of court filing, the BMA spokesman responded, “Looks like the Judge has been toking off that same bong.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the enviro-whacko ones.
July 24th, 2011 Posted 10:04 pm
The President met with senior leaders of the Bizarreville Congress all weekend attempting to forge a government spending/debt reduction deal in order to allow the Debt ceiling to be raised. The sides continued to be far apart due to the enormous number of sacred cows that were unwilling to be compromised.
Congress asked the President to put an end to all the stupid wars around the world that had no apparent mission, no tangible benefit, and were wasting money by the hundreds of billions. The President responded that useless missions were a fundamental promise he made to citizens during his campaign, and he could not back down now. He pointed out the progress made in Funkistan to unseat the ruthless dictator Elmo Shlabba. “Yes, sir, but who gives a crap about Funkistan?” commented a congressional leader. “The only thing they contribute to the world economy is that they produce 1% of the world’s lima beans. Who in the hell likes lima beans?? They taste like bird doo-doo.” The President responded that there was more to the situation than lima beans, but admitted he did, in fact, like lima beans.
The President then turned the tables and insisted on the need for new tax increases. “It’s been years since we’ve had a good, old-fashion, healthy tax increase. If you go too long, taxpayers get complacent and forget about their responsibility to cover entitlements to those less-motivated. These poor people are entitled, by their birthright in Bizarreville, to be able to sponge for a living. And somebody’s got to pay the ever-increasing tab. You don’t turn a blind eye to these people, and ignore them just because they’re lazy. That’s not who we are.”
Opposition party leaders rebuked the idea of tax increases, stating that their Tea Party constituents feel they’ve been taxed enough already. But the President promised that his proposed tax increases would not apply to everyone…only those people that had a job. He further proposed that he would require all businesses to give every employee a 10% raise to compensate for their increased taxes. “That way,” he said, “No one is really hurt. We make everyone whole, and guess what? The National Debt gets chiseled away.” The opposing leaders said they might be able to live with that stipulation, but counter-proposed that the increase be 15%, just to be on the safe side.
But Congress still wants a meaningful reduction in stupid government spending and lame, nonsensical government bureaucracy that produces no intrinsic national value. The President commented that they have tried doing that before in the past, but inevitably it ends up going nowhere. “The bureaucracy kills all bureaucracy-killers, and furthermore, adds new bureaucracy in the fight. Every spending-reduction initiative results in more spending. Every streamline attempt creates new turbulence. It’s a bureaucratic paradox…a Bureaudox. Best just to give up, stay the course with the status quo, and not fuss.”
Congress seems to be weakening their position on spending cuts, now that the Bureaudox concept has come to light.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.
July 23rd, 2011 Posted 4:22 pm
The University of Bizarreville yesterday was stripped of its 4th place conference football finish when it was learned that the school violated BCAA rules. UB’s star right guard has been alleged to have accepted a double cheeseburger and large fry combo meal from a UB alumnus last October at Slim’s Taste-d-Grease Burger Emporium. The BCAA official stated that they have video proof of Ernie “Longmember” Johnson walking into Slim’s, taking delivery of the combo meal, and paying for it with what looked like a used Harry Potter movie ticket. The burger clerk was found to be a UB alumnus who graduated with a History degree, and allegedly also slipped him a gratis hot apple pie. Since that allegation could not be unequivocally substantiated, it was not included in the sanctions against the university.
Longmember Johnson will also be stripped of his football scholarship, be asked to return his jersey, and be forced to spend 20 hours of community service in the public restroom maintenance department.
Longmember still insists that he paid for the burger meal with a folded sawbuck that just happened to look like a Harry Potter ticket. He thought it might be some kind of commemorative 10-spot. “For all I know, maybe it was honoring the whole Harry Potter series. You know they do things like that all the time.” He also stated that the burger sucked and the fries were cold, for what it’s worth.
The University offered no comment, except to say it would accept the vacating of its 4th place finish. A spokesman said they would be meeting with all players and coaches to stress the importance of not accepting burger combo meals, whether they sucked or not. “We’ll be telling them it’s not the quality of the violation meal that’s important. It is the principle of the thing. Don’t even accept a single White Castle, a Krystal burger, or a value-menu order of fries. They’re watching you. One skinny little french fry, and you’re home watching Lucy reruns with momma.”
UB coach Snuffbucket was asked if he thought the team could repeat its 4th place finish without Longmember. “Doubtful. He was a large load on that right side. Not sure we have anyone with that much sheer bulk to fill his shoes. Be happy to get a sixth place next year.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but generally not too far off the mark.
July 17th, 2011 Posted 8:25 pm
The Bizarreville Congress continues to argue and debate spending and taxing scenarios ad nauseum, and wily congressmen are digging deep to gin up new schemes with clever-sounding, catchy names. The most recent one, proposed by Senator J. Ribbletart Twadd, is what he called “Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, and Mop”. It includes an element to please everyone…or displease everyone. No matter.
The proposition starts with a healthy, aggressive series of spending cuts. There will naturally be the low-hanging fruit cuts of obvious goofy programs like Ant Hill Architecture Study. But then it will get to the major cuts in all government agencies, resulting in layoffs of millions of pencil-pushing spreadsheet shufflers, thumb-twiddling admino-funk journeymen, and other office seat warmers. Large staffs of finance clerks will be replaced by Bob from AccountTemps, and HR departments will be appropriately vaporized. Congressmen who have enjoyed bulging staffs of administrative uber-flunkies with lavish budgets will be trimmed down to sharing Dorothy, the husky girl Friday who got lost around Tuesday.
The second element would be to Cap the Debt Ceiling. Most legislators are in agreement on this element…the question is: what limit? A straw poll was taken and the ranges varied, but it seemed like consensus could be reached by calling the cap $1 quadrillion…a good round number, and certainly a cap that would allow the millions and millions of people currently sponging off the system to ween off.
Balancing the Budget is the tough one. Congress members become brainwashed early in their terms of office that there is no need to balance, never has been a need to balance…why start now? They are indoctrinated into the Backscratching culture, the Whats In It For Me negotiating whine, and actually take night classes on Financial Bumblenomics 101, 102, and Advanced Wasteage and Pissaways. The thought of balancing is so abhorrent to them that it leads to the 4th element: Toss.
Tossing of Cookies will most certainly happen as these addicted spendaholics are faced with the Balancing grim reality…the end of spending freedom as they knew it. That internal stress/strain will pull hard on their abdominal muscles, causing massive stomach acid release, and the inevitable projectile Chow Blow. The good news is that soon the blowing and dry heaving ends. The bodily systems learn to adapt to the new reality of living within means. The contracted muscles and popped-out veins begin to return to their normal state.
All that remains is the Mopping. This could be a tough issue, given the pink-slipping of would-be moppers among the congressional flunk staff. But that’s when the Constitutional process comes in…a new Constitutional Amendment which requires senators and congresspeople to mop up their own stinky vomit. It is quite certain that this amendment would quickly receive the 75% state passage votes, and become law of the land.
While the Cut, Cap, Balance, Toss, Mop proposal seems logical, almost a slam-dunk in its attractiveness, it still faces some uphill battles convincing the Congressional Old Fart caucus, who may struggle seeing its merits. Stay tuned.
All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sensible ones.
July 12th, 2011 Posted 11:45 pm
…You people with jobs need to pay more of your Fair Share of taxes. I’m tired of arguing with you, and really tired of you and your Tea Party buddies whining about paying more tax. “Pay up, Shut up” is gonna be my new slogan. Pay up, shut up. You don’t seem to grasp that we have a recession going on. No, no, you don’t. And most of you in this room have jobs. Am I right? Well, you job-people need to help the non-job and the sub-job portions of our population. You need to step up to your responsibilities to pay…yes, sometimes paying out the fabled ying yang…to get this debt under control.
You, over there. You with the salmon-colored polo shirt. You have a job, right? Right. And how much do you figure you pay in taxes, percentage-wise? Forty-two percent…is that what you said? 42 lousy percent. That means you’re taking way over half of your wages home with you every paycheck. I’m guessing your blowing it on food, beer, a fancy shmancy house in the burbs, polos shirts for every person in your family…Nike shoes, right? Not Bilford Athletic Econo-shoes…no, sir. Nike. Are you expecting the rest of the country to get by with Bilfords? Is it fair that your kids can wear Nikes, but the bum’s kid out there on the street gets stuck with Bilfords? Is that the kind of country we want to be…one with an ever-widening shoe gap? Is it??
Pay up, shut up. Fork over a few more measly dollars so that no one has to wear Bilfords unless they choose to. Let’s erase that stigma from our society.
You know, you may find yourself needing help some day. That’s right. None of us are immune from the so-called green weenie, the axeman, the Chain-saw Al, the Neutron Jack, the pink slip. I’ll bet a lot of you don’t have 2 cents in a savings account, living paycheck to paycheck, bar tab to bar tab. You may well find yourself destitute and looking for someone to sponge off of one day. That’s when you’ll see it all from the other side. That’s when you’ll be saying Pay up, Shut up along with me. You…you in the back row, nodding…yeah, you know what I mean. Pay up, shut up doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Exactly. Why wait for it to happen? Join us now, see the future. Your future. Let’s all say it together…Pay up, shut up, pay up, shut up, Pay Up, Shut Up, PAY UP, SHUT UP…that’s right…PAY UP, SHUT UP…now we’re talking.
My friends, trust me when I say that you will all feel better by just paying a little more. You will have an enormous wave of self-satisfaction sweep over you as you realize your taxes are helping so many people live a better life. You’ll take great joy as you see a raggety old bum shuffle into a Starbucks for a free cup of latte, perhaps for the first time ever. You’ll get a tingle when you see an obese lady able to buy a grocery cart load of National brand potato chips with her food stamps. You’ll have a sense of satisfaction watching 10 government-subsidized workers filling a pothole on Main Street, knowing that each will be bringing home a paycheck to momma. And it’s all because you Paid Up and Shut up. Join us.
Good night, friends.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including town hall secret tapings.
July 9th, 2011 Posted 7:52 pm
The recently organized Special Presidential Committee on Debt Default has recommended that Bizarreville go ahead and just default on its National Debt. The default recommendation was unanimous among the 10-member assortment of ex-CEO’s that steerred their companies into bankruptcy proceedings, Economic college professors who are some of the country’s most brilliant minds buy have never done any real work, and a couple bankruptcy lawyers that are often seen hawking their services on TV.
“What’s the big deal?” one ex-auto industry CEO asked. “Hey, I’ve been there and it’s a non-event really. You declare bankruptcy, you stiff a few stockholders and bondholders, reorganize, throw a few execs under the bus…guys you probably wanted to deep-six anyway…call ourself the New Something-something, and it’s over before you know it. People make such a big deal of thw whole thing. Goodness sakes, it’s nothing…easier than a bicuspid root canal.”
The other committee members echoed the same sentiment. Professor Arnold Shanklard of BVU explained that the intrinsic correlation between the macro-eminent deviation matrix integer and the hypo-inflationary, pre-activated Neverland supply coefficient produces a nominal basis point rise or fall, which can be reverse de-stimulated or even repressed by global refunkatory initiative injection. That, in a nutshell, he explained, says it all. The other committee academics nodded at each other in agreement, and decided to jointly write a paper that proves their theory with plenty of graphs, that they plan to publish in the Bizarreville Business Journal.
Some critics are not so quick to suggest Default would be painless, and have even suggested the possibility of a global financial structure collapse. But the doomsayers admitted they thought the old Y2K scare was going to cause a financial system collapse, and the more recent world potato chip shortage was going to be calamitous…the former, of course, being a total non-event, while the latter just causing a spike in cheeseball consumption which eventually corrected itself.
It is likely that we will know the implications shortly. Negotiations with Congress have stalled due to their insistence on not having the proposed Bathroom Use Tax as part of the budget balancing program. “You just cannot tax the piss out of people,” a senior congressman lamented. “You got to draw the line somewhere on these so-called ‘creative’ taxes, and say we’re not going to take it anymore.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the scary ones.
July 5th, 2011 Posted 11:45 pm
The Bizarreville Basketball Association (BBA) announced that it plans to lockout its players as a result of inability to come to a Labor Agreement with the Prima Donna United Players International (PDUPI). The BBA says that it is unable to make money in the business in spite of raising ticket prices to an average of $100 per seat, installing luxo-boxes that go for 20 grand, and raising beer prices to 10 skins (12 if you want it cold).
Basketball industry insiders point out that part of the problem is the general boringness of the professional game. Many fans are falling asleep in the stands, especially since they replaced the uncomfortable bleacher seats with regular full-backed seats. Concession sales then fall dramatically by mid-2nd quarter. Some teams have tried fan gimmicks like T-shirt cannons, ugly hair contests, and acrobatic dunking troupes to wake people up, but at best, it seems to only have a temporary impact. Once play resumes, the logs start sawing again.
Sports pundits express hope that the new crop of college draftees may unearth some new players that have a little more personality than melba toast. Jagmar “Melba Toast” Johnson, power forward for the Bizarreville Yanks, takes exception to that specific characterization, but also insists that the play is not that boring…especially in the last 2 minutes of the 4th quarter. “I find that the snoring significantly dies down then, particularly if we can sneak in a power dunk or two.” The feeling is shared by his teammate Lamar “M.C. Yawn” Shuffler, whose dry monotone remark was so boring that the tape recorder fell asleep.
Some fans think the BBA should implement a 4-point shot, to inject some enthusiasm like when the 3-point shot was adopted. But others say that would encourage some hot dogs to just start firing half-court airballs, which could make the game even more boring…if that is possible. Still others suggest the league should eliminate most fouls, take a page out of the Hockey playbook, and allow a more physical game with more frequent fights and pulling jerseys over heads.
“It’s getting that way anyway,” one Yank fan remarked. “Why not just cut to the chase, and let the brawls begin…legally. I think fans would love it, especially if there were more face-jacking and broken noses. Put some boxing ring-like ropes around the court…two guys go up for a rebound, one guy ends up in the ropes. You gotta admit…that would be fun. Ultimate basketball. I’d stay awake for that!”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sports themed ones.
July 3rd, 2011 Posted 2:34 pm
At his recent budget balance press conference, the President suggested that billionaires need to have more skin in the game, and pucker up for higher taxes. This comment prompted a group of investigative reporters to seek out and survey some billionaires to get their reaction. The reporter consortium published their findings in yesterday’s edition of the Bizarreville Daily Moon.
The results were surprising. One hundred billionaires were found, mostly playing bad golf at exclusive country clubs, pounding martinis at swanky clubs, or sunning their wrinkles on various-sized yachts. When asked how they felt about a 3 or 4 percent tax bump, the general response was: “Huh? Beats the s#!$ out of me. Why don’t you go ask my Accountant. He’s that flunky over there mixing me a cocktail at the bar. Ask him to whip you up one of these peach mojitos. Have him splash a little moonshine in it, then hold onto the rail.”
The report concluded that clearly the issue of raising taxes on all 100 billionaires by 3, 4, maybe 5 percent would have very little negative pushback from the affected parties…most of whom would instruct their Accountants to go find some new tax shelter anyway, and start earning their keep. It suggests that it should be relatively simple for the Congress and President to come to quick consensus on this Easy Button tax adder.
But members of the More Tax Now & Forever advocacy group point out that this is not enough, not nearly enough, to cover the important spending needs of our time. They point out that there are still people here living below the poverty line, some with only one flatscreen TV, many who are forced to continue to use cumbersome, old-fashioned non-Smart cell phones. They point out that many Bridges to Nowhere are starting to crumble, let alone the Bridges to New Nowheres that were promised, but never built. They further point out that the proposed Unemployment Retirement program, which would provide important retirement benefits to people who have been dutifully collecting unemployment checks for up to 20 years, has still not been passed. They suggest that there are so many studies that could be done–investigating the mating habits of cockroaches, weed propogation in western deserts, and the kinetics of a slinky as it flops down stairs. But none of this important work can be done without bold new taxes. They plead that it is time to decide what kind of nation we want to be.
But as the tax debate continues, it seems apparent that billionaires will be asked to contribute more of their fair share. One billionaire CEO responded, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just tell my Board to give me a raise to compensate for it.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you would swear are true.
July 1st, 2011 Posted 1:18 pm
Bizarreville economists have dubbed the current economic climate as the Obama-nation Recovery. It is different than most other recoveries in that it features no jobs, a pathetic housing market in the dumpster, and uncontrolled skyrocketing federal spending on stuff totally unrelated to helping the economy.
“Hey, you can’t have everything,” one of the Economic Council members commented. “At least the banks are still open…they are still open aren’t they? Yeah, they are. I drove by one this morning. Whew!”
Critics have called the Obama-nation Recovery a concoction of smoke, mirrors, spaghetti, and beer farts. “Smells as bad as it looks,” commented an adversary, who wished to only be known as Mr. Onionbreath. ” I think the smell receptors inside my nose have melted down.”
One ice cream shop owner expressed her concern about the prospect of an upcoming Double dip recession on her near-term business. “There’s no way we can start giving a free 2nd dip to customers, just cuz the President says so. If we’re forced, we’ll just have to raise our single dip price…maybe even our Kiddie dip price. And I’ll assure you, that won’t make the mommas and grammaws happy. Besides…and we’ve seen it before…when you start putting a 2nd dip on kid’s cones, it ends up on the floor making a mess. And you-know-who gets to clean it up. Have they thought about that?”
Members of the Economic Council have suggested that further recovery must start by incentives at the retail level. “Stores need to start giving crap away…you know, the kind of junky, mold-encrusted merchandise that is not selling anyway. Give it free when you buy a couch, or a swimsuit, or a set of bedsheets. It all stimulates people buying…gets wallets out of their Captain Kangaroo pockets. They love free stuff…don’t even care if it’s garbage that they would never use in 1000 years. It’s like tossed beads at Mardi Gras parades. It’s free. It’s good.”
The Obama-nation Recovery is facing a stressful stretch, as the stock market has started behaving erratically, businesses have pulled back on capital investment, and congress cannot seem to quell their narcotic-like spending addiction. Nevertheless, the President maintains his optimism in the spirit of the people, who are used to sucking it up and prepping for another pounding.
“People are resilient,” an administration spokesperson said. “You throw them into a wall, they bounce back. You drop 80 pounds of stool on their head, they rinse it off. You drop kick them through the goal posts, they score. It all works out.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you’d swear are true.