Archive for the ‘Corporate shnooks’ Category
September 29th, 2012 Posted 5:01 pm
In recent weeks, several CEO’s of some of Bizarreville’s largest companies have been doing some serious spinning. They have been impressed with Obama’s ability to take ostensibly horrendous actual results, and somehow spin them into positive-sounding messages to make himself look good. More importantly, people are buying it all. Some citizens have given him a total pass on leading the economy into the abyss with no plans to turn it around, and CEO’s are now taking interest in this magic act. Faced with troubles of their own, the Chief Executive Officers have begun borrowing from the Obama playbook.
For instance, last week, Bill Smerk, CEO of Farknoodle Inc, reported to his company’s Board that the 4 years of earnings loss and cashflow drain with no plans/strategies to improve were the result of his predecessor’s screw-ups. He said that he has been working hard to dig out of the mess, but had a long way to go. When asked what major actions he was planning to do to stop the hemmoraging, he replied that his team was busy working on it, but had no good ideas yet. Smerk said he could turn it around in 4 years, maybe less.
J. Milford Moon, CEO of Dungledoid Computers, reported to Industry analysts yesterday that the reason his company’s balance sheet went from stable to out-of-control was their decision to expand cafeterias in all of their plants and offices in order to provide employees with a good, hot meal. He explained that many employees had spouses who also worked and were too tired to cook when they got home. Dungledoid ran up $300 million in new debt, but was able to snare 3 contestants from the Top Chef TV show to join their team.
Benton Silva, CEO of Junkster Corp, in an interview on Shmork Factor, said that the huge losses in the last 12 quarters were certainly bad, but they could have been a lot worse. Shmork asked him how they could possibly be worse than the average $1 billion per quarter of red ink which put Junkster on the brink of bankruptcy? Silva said that he had formed a committee to investigate that very question, and they concluded that, yes, it could have been worse…but honestly, it could have been a whole lot better. Retired ex-CEO William Junkster agreed, saying that it could have been worse…or better…or the same.
Dermot Skunkfit, the CEO of Skunkfit Apparel, decided to play golf when his firm was going through a liquidity crisis recently. He told club friends that the pressure was too much, and he needed a break so that he could come back to work fully recharged. Sources say that he lost a $1 Nassau during the match, which really aggravated him.
CEO Lamar Lunchberger said in a recent business magazine interview that his Quacko Company eventually plans to try and rehire their 8400 laid-off employees. He explained that business conditions have been bad everywhere, but will eventually recover. He said that they may need more people at Quacko at some point, but it may be a while. Meanwhile, Quacko has allegedly hired 8400 contract temporary workers to fill the gap…many of whom are believed to be illegal aliens, according to unconfirmed sources.
The CEO’s have shown that they can be every bit as nimble as Mr. Obama when it comes to negative message spinning. To hedge their bets, however, each CEO admitted confidentially that he had recently updated his resume.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you think must be true.
January 25th, 2011 Posted 3:37 am
At a press briefing this weekend, the Administration announced the appointment of Jeffrey Staffmelt as head of the new President’s Council on Jobs. Mr. Staffmelt will organize a special ad hoc team to evaluate the current pathetic job situation, understand its root causes, and develop a crisp Power Point presentation on path forward. It is expected that the team will recommend additional subcommittees, sub-subcommittees, maybe even getting down to the tertiary level of sub-committees before it actually does anything tangible.
Reporters were curious to know why Mr. Staffmelt, CEO of Geritol Electric, a company which has been criticized for plant closures, massive staff reductions, and moving jobs to 3rd world countries, was considered the “best” candidate for the job. In particular, some wondered if Mr. Staffmelt, who is affectionately known as “Julio” around the office for all the jobs he’s shipped to Mexico, has the right mindset to create jobs, rather than vaporize them.
“We think he’s the right guy,” the Administration spokesman retorted. “He’s writing a book on Lessons Learned the Hard Way, which encapsulates the mistakes he has made that have literally shut down entire towns as their factories padlocked the gates. He has actually visited some of those towns to see the devastation. Someone said that he had a tear in his eye when he visited Balloogaville three weeks ago. But another said that he thought he just got finished blowing his nose.”
The spokesman went on to say that the focus will be on jobs where our country has a distinct competitive advantage. “…And that doesn’t mean just flipping burgers at McDonalds. No. There are many other opportunities out there: Burger King, Arbys, Hardees, and…well, thousands of chicken franchises. You know as well as I that these places need good help…you end up waiting in line 10 minutes to get a lousy chocolate shake, for crying out loud. We’re looking to Mr. Staffmelt to establish some tough new industry standards on waiting lines as one of his first priorities. That will get more people on payrolls, and off unemployment compensation.”
It was noted that Mr. Staffmelt has won a number of awards, and last year bought a trophy case that he placed in his vacation cottage office. His most recent award came from Flunkmaster Magazine for having the highest differential between his personal compensation and his company’s performance, among all CEO’s. In the article, Staffmelt credited his best friend and personal agent for developing and negotiating a complex pay scheme algorithm for him, which kept his package skyrocketing in spite of cratering results. “Guy’s a genious,” Staffmelt was quoted. ”True genious. I love the guy. I’d marry him if he weren’t so ugly.”
A spokesman for Staffmelt read a statement that Jeffrey was looking forward to his new post. The appointment was timely, especially given the rumor that he might be s#!t-canned from his current CEO position. Geritol Electric stockholders have been vocally upset about the company’s dismal performance, losing 50% of its value over the past four years, and running a mixed bag of tangled, conglomerated operations that Business Funk magazine called “the most inefficient business model since the days of Textron.” When one reporter referred to that article and asked who the hell Textron was, the spokesman said, “Beats me. Never heard of them.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you think you saw before in the real world.
March 11th, 2010 Posted 4:14 am
Toyota executives, tired and stressed-out from the continuing flap over alleged accelerator pedal sticking and faulty brake systems on their hybrid and other cars, have been huddling and finally announced an exciting new strategy for their company. They plan to take all the recalled hybrids and convert them to electric bumper cars for the amusement parks around the world.
“It was a logical choice,” the Head Marketing manager for Toyota spouted. “Bumper cars are pedal-to-the-metal vehicles all the time that never require let up on the throttle, and certainly do not need braking. Why spend jillions of dollars trying to find some alleged needle in the haystack problem…then be faced with class-action lawsuit after class-action lawsuit from the idiots out there who probably just forgot to take their friggin foot off the gas?”
A spokesman for the United Bumper Car Association was concerned that the typical Prius is a bit too big for the current bumper car electro-tracks, and if placed along side conventional bumper cars, may in fact run them over…crushing the riders in the smaller car. Toyota engineers agree, and suggest that the old-style cars adopt roll bars and roll-over protection enhancements that would prevent such a catastrophe. “I’m frankly surprised that the bumper cars don’t have such protection now,” an engineer said.
Toyota strategists think this could rekindle the bumper car business, and may open up a brand new market for family fun. They are considering building new, larger bumper car tracks near NASCAR venues to attract customers looking for an experience that is more than just spectating.
The Demolition Derby Association has also been asking about making a deal with Toyota for recalled cars, but thus far no deal has been reached.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
January 26th, 2010 Posted 2:42 pm
Pundits in Bizarreville had been anxiously anticipating to have an Argument field day with the latest Supreme Court decision opening the floodgates for Corporations and Unions to dump bucket loads of cash into political candidate campaigns. Many feel this could greatly impact election results, by ushering-in the quid pro quo set with pockets full of cash ready to buy influence at discount prices.
But at a recent charity dinner attended by Bizarreville’s top CEO’s, it would appear there is not much to worry about. “They all suck,” spouted William O. Burff, Chairman of BizarroBank. “Why would we want to piss money away on those two-bit clowns? Would rather take the cash and use it as a wipe…at least that would serve one purpose.”
Gerald Funkshmitz, CEO of Bizarreville Rubber and Rubbers agreed. “If one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour runs for office, say that Larry the Cable Guy fellow, for example…well then, yes, we would probably kick in some major dough for his campaign. The rest of those knuckleheads out there running? Just a bunch of friggin’ lawyers who missed becoming partners. Why would I trust those f*#*$!rs?”
The President of the IBEW local had similar statements. “If none of these bozos can figure out how to create more good jobs in Bizarreville, they can all go to hell. I’d be happy to buy them a 1-way ticket. Is that allowed in this stupid new law?”
The Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce Executive Director tried to counter this by saying that he was certain there would be plenty of other corporations and unions who will pony up bucks when push comes to shove. But as a true Chamber ambivalent professional, he later said he felt very strongly on both sides of the issue, and would fight with every fiber in his being to defend either or both points of view.
Meanwhile, pundits are throwing in the towel on this issue, and turning their respective rages on other screwball political matters on the docket.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.
January 24th, 2010 Posted 4:43 pm
Reeling from the Massachusetts upset loss, the Libs and Obama administration coalition forces have been meeting almost continuously. Realizing that their Master Plan to nationalize the country’s Health Care system may go up in smoke, they have been frantically looking for alternatives. Insiders say that the goal is still to nationalize at least 16% of the US economy, equivalent to Health Care…so Lib leaders have charged underlings to get out and find a new 16%…fast.
Obama officials are initially focusing on Banks, a huge element in the economy, and ripe for nationalizing. The big banks have helped the President’s case by paying billions of dollars in bonuses and other perqs to the incompetent boobs that nearly bankrupted their companies…resulting in a public outcry. The administration has also done a remarkable job blaming bank freewheeling capitalist lending policies & ignoring accounting rules that triggered the 2008-09 economic collapse, which the gullible public has accepted as fact. Both sides of the aisle in Congress don’t like bankers anyway, so there might not be much resistance to nationalization.
The first step could be passage of some new tough financial rules, affectionately known as Rules of Obnoxion. The focus will be Punishment…punishment for making too much money, punishment for paying too many bonuses, punishment for executive desks too big, punishment for customer lunches too extravagant. There will be punishment for lending certain people money who can’t repay, and punishment for NOT lending certain other people money who also can’t repay. The new Bonus/Perq czar will work closely with the Lending Preference czar to ratchet up the pressure on the so-called fat cats. By the time it’s all over, they’ll be overjoyed to become nationalized.
But just nationalizing banks will not be enough to achieve the goal, and sources say that anyone and everyone is fair game in the Nationalization Lottery. One name that has popped up has been McDonalds Corporation. Investigations have shown that McDonalds has been selling 3 sizes of fries with different size packets. But it turns out that some restaurants put the same amount of fries in each one, regardless of packet size. When this became public, outraged customers just said, “Nationalize those sons of a bitch!” The company, scrambling, is considering Free Fries Fridays to prevent a stampede, and begin to repair its french fry reputation.
Opponents to Mac being nationalized point out that this would change the burger wars’ competitive landscape. “This new “Feddie Mac” subsidized by taxpayers could cut prices on Big Macs, or start handing out free Apple Pies with every order,” a burger industry expert said. “Burger King would have to find cheaper, lower-quality meat to stay competitive…citizens, chain your dogs.”
It is possible that the administration might just have to nationalize the whole burger industry, maybe throw in the chicken restaurant industry, too. Stay tuned.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.
January 20th, 2010 Posted 1:39 pm
The recent announcement of yet another major airline deciding to pillage customers 25 dollars for a lousy piece of luggage has touched-off Upcharge wars in Bizarreville. The 2 Bizarreville airlines are donning battle gear…let the war begin.
Leadbelly Airlines, the perennial last place holder in on-time arrival (or industry leader in off-time arrival if you prefer the positive perspective) has shot off the first volley. Yesterday they announced that, yes, there would be charges for checked bags. But they are taking it several steps further by announcing additional fee schedules for bringing crap on board:– $5 for bringing on board a purse or suitcase – $10 for a laptop computer – $3 for excessive change in pockets – $2 for wearing shoes over size 10 – $1 for wearing an ugly Hawaiian shirt
Leadbelly says they are considering upcharges for tall people, fat people, and people wreaking of body odor in order to take even greater lead in the Upcharge race. Obnoxiously fat people or stinky people will be charged for the whole row of seats.
Lame Duck Air, the leader and award-winner in marginally lousy customer service who coined the motto “Shut Up, Sit Down, and We’ll Getcha There” is taking a decidedly different tack in the Upcharge challenge. They announced that they will immediately begin charging $2 to use the restroom, bringing back the classic Pay Toilet concept from the 1950′s for nostalgia buffs. TP will be available from a restroom vending machine for a nominal extra charge, exact change only. They have eliminated Flight Attendants per se, but will allow customers to buy Attendant service at one dollar per help item, or a booklet of 6 help coupons for $4. They toyed with the idea of joining the baggage fee crowd, but are upping the ante…they have just eliminated all baggage on all flights, checked or otherwise. “You want baggage, call UPS,” quoted a Lame Duck press release.
Leadbelly responds they will stay competitive in this war and may eliminate that darn “free baby” allowance scam that has been hampering airlines for decades. “Bring your baby? Full charge. Don’t like it? Get a friggin’ baby sitter. Next?” said the VP Customer Service.
Lame Duck Air (LDA) stock was up $0.13 on the news, while Leadbelly (LBA) was down $0.10. Analysts with Dingbird and Doodle are still calling Lame Duck a BUY. LDA quarterly earnings results are coming out next week…anticipated to be pathetic, but above expectations.
Posted in Corporate shnooks
January 14th, 2010 Posted 11:38 pm
Bizarreville’s local NBC affiliate announced yesterday that it was totally fed-up with all the wankers running the network, is pulling the plug on these guys, and signing on to become some kind of PBS station. They say that the latest nuttiness over who will host the Tonight Show has been the last shovelful of excrement in filling up the NBC manure wagon.
Bizarreville’s station plans to keep a late night talking format, but with an intriguing PBS twist. They will employ PBS’ patented Pledge Drive babble for the full 55 minutes of the show without commercial interruption. This format, according to the station manager, will be used to target the key market in that time slot: folks who just want white noise to help them fall asleep in their beds. Negotiations are underway with Joe “the Monotone” Barker to host the show by just drivelling nonsense continuously for 55 minutes, while old-fashioned telephones ring off-the-hook in the background manned by a panel of drones. Joe has plenty of experience, and has hosted several interminable PBS pledge drives in the past 5 years with a droopy style that fits the new concept perfectly.
The station believes this talk format will be much more effective than the comedian format in terms of accomplishing the true goal: doze-off. They are confident that they can get a 90% konk-out performance within a 30-minute sleep timer. The station has tested the concept with office staff people, and found most dozing off in 10-15 minutes listening to Joe, even during daylight hours with several pots of coffee at hand. “We believe this will also make our viewers healthier by getting up to 30 minutes more sleep per night, and waking up more refreshed and energized,” the station manager said.
NBC is paying attention, has gotten the lowdown on the Bizarreville concept, and is rumored to be studying something similar…especially in light of Leno and O’Brien telling them to stick the Tonight Show up their ass. NBC has a stable full of mellow-voice yawnable candidates for hosting such a show, who cut their teeth in their limpy News department and have been putting the public asleep for years.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.
November 29th, 2009 Posted 3:52 pm
Don Smerfnerd of Smerfnerd Investments is urging all customers to load up on gold, and do it now. He says he is personally jumping on the bandwagon, joining the new cast of Gold Fever who have been coming out of the woodwork, citing the recently released Shlunkmann Economic Study that, he says, predicts gold could go as high as $2000 per ounce.
But the truth is, the Shlunkmann study, if anyone took the time to read it, never predicted gold would go to 2000. The study itself was about self-fulfilling prophesies, the Pygmalion effect. But it used the example if enough nutcases started predicting that gold would double in price, and ginned-up enough fear in the marketplace, it could all set in motion events that would actually cause the price of gold to double. So, then what’s the deal with Smerfnerd? Many of his colleagues have been wondering the same thing…why is Smerfnerd, a conservative investor, doing this? He has never been one to buy at the high end of the market and get shmucked.
Turns out, our intrepid investigative reporter discovered that Smerf and a couple of his ex-Amway buddies devised a Buy Gold pyramid scheme. It goes like this: You buy some gold, then go pitch/grab some buddies to buy gold, who go hawk even more people to buy it, who then shake down some of their friends/family…and so on. Feed the fear factor of world economic collapse, and roll out some drivel likening our situation to the fall of the Roman Empire. Get someone to do a story of a family storing canned goods in their 60′s -era fallout shelter. Toss in a Nostradamus prediction or two. Develop a network of gold sellers, and grab a little commission on every layer in the sales pyramid. Pocket some serious dough.
At some point, like all good pyramid schemes, it will all come crashing down. Smerf will eventually run out of nimrods to suck into his web, and some people will start doing a little bit of gold dumping….then the gold price will plummet. But by then, Smerf will likely have bailed on all his stash, pocketed a tidy profit, raked in enough commissions, and will be laughing all the way to the Caymans. Smerfnerd could not be reached for comment.
November 2nd, 2009 Posted 7:59 pm
Top Execs of bailed-out firms have filed a grievance with the Bizarreville Dept of Labor over recent government-induced CEO pay cuts. A second grievance was filed over bonus cuts, and a third grievance over perq cuts.
The final straw was reached when the CEO of Flummox Inc. was told he had to get rid of his company-paid chauffeur and associated stretch-Hummer limousine. “Now how am I supposed to get to work? Walk? Hitchhike?? Ride the bus???”
He has been on a frustration rage for months ever since the Federal Perq Czar stormed the Flummox main office, and padlocked the executive restroom. The CEO, Mr. Smellman, was forced to walk down a fairly long hallway, down to the regular employee restroom, and go next to the common employees of the firm. Reportedly Smellman went ahead and used the Handicap stall for privacy and extra space, forcing Mervin Shelfer – a true handicapped person - to have to wait about 10 minutes, holding it in. Shelfer exclaimed, “Let him have his john back, for crying out loud.”
Other Bizarreville execs have been similarly throttled, and are mad as hell. “What’s next…our personal stationary and private secretaries? This is ridiculous…next thing you know, they’ll start shutting down our regional conference centers in the Poconos and the Ozarks. You know, those areas are incredibly over-populated with deer, birds, and fish…has anybody thought of that? Has anybody thought about the unintended consequences when you start shutting lodges…I mean, conference centers down? Does anybody care about those poor animals? I can answer you that….NO.”
Another exec chimed in: “How are we supposed to entertain our customers now? I just heard they’re not even allowing us to have our Customer Appreciation Golf Fests anymore. Zip, gone. What’s next…cancelling our 3-day customer sales events at Tahoe? C’mon, give me a break. Who’s going to answer the phone when those customers start screaming ‘where’s my Vegas trip’…the Perq Czar? I don’t think so.”
The Dept of Labor informed the execs that, unfortunately, there is actually no legal process for them to file their grievances, nor get any kind of restitution. The Dept did agree to accept the grievance letters, and put them in a file under Miscellaneous/Other.
October 21st, 2009 Posted 3:20 pm
A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO). They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO. “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us. The PO will be a good thing. It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.
Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO. The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.
“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option? You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options: one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it? Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.
“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones. We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps. Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.
“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs? One? Two? Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye. Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”
The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO. But they said, “They just don’t understand. They can keep their current Health plans. The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option. From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”
The Consortium responded, “Yeah, okay, ha-ha…okay it’s an Option. We will most certainly consider that, and do a proper/thorough evaluation…sure will…just before flushing our programs down the Corporate toilet….ha ha ha ha…you guys really crack me up!”
October 20th, 2009 Posted 1:43 pm
Bizarreville carmakers report that car thefts are down to a 20-year low, initially bringing about some excitement in Executive offices. But, after further review, it became clear that pathetic design, ugly styling, and general car boringness were the biggest contributing factors to the decline. Curiously, golf cart thefts have trended up in recent months.
The Car Thieves International Union (CTIU) agreed with the assessment. “Yeah, dem cars are so freaking ugly, I for one would not be caught dead pilfering one,” commented the CTIU president. The Union noted that even the stolen car parts were now harder to peddle, due to shoddy quality and lousy basic designs. This has caused Fences to have to return the stolen merchandise for full credit. There was even a recent case where a thief was clubbed over the head with a busted, defective tie rod from an unhappy Black Market customer who had frankly gotten fed up with poor quality goods. “It’s becoming epidemic. And it’s putting our entire f#&*!$ business at risk,” cited an underground paint shop proprietor.
The insurance companies are naturally thrilled by the theft trend, and have gone on record to encourage all the car companies to go even further in adopting mediocrity, especially in car styling. “Take that new model from Shanker Motors called the Thumb. That car is so ugly my grammaw wouldn’t get inside. It looks like a cross between a bratwurst and a…well…you-know-what. But it works most of the time, and just doesn’t get stolen. Would like to see more Thumbs out there, and other ‘Fingers’ for that matter.” Insurers point out that this reduction in thievery will also eventually save money on insurance premiums…or at the very least, reduce the amount of the annual premium increases to the car owner…which they say is basically the same thing.
Meanwhile the car companies are just plain perplexed…but that is really nothing particularly new. After all, they had thought they were making real cool cars, before they started realizing what was actually coming out the factory door. “Hey, if the market wants junk, we’ll give ‘em junk. That’s something we know how to do (ha, ha),” an unnamed car exec said in jest.
October 19th, 2009 Posted 3:53 pm
Bizi Bank has been on hard times. Of course, it all started when they made all those bad loans…millions and millions in stupid, numbskull loans approved by the Loan Board that, sadly, had that bout with marijuana addictions… what were they calling it? Refer-pprovals, no waiting…how much do you need? Have any nacho chips with you?
But the Board has been through rehab now and been thoroughly cleansed with hypnosis therapy, yoga, and fleet enemas. They have been analyzed and evaluated by true loan specialists from the mob, who have given them a clean bill of health. And they have taken a pledge to tighten back their anuses to pre-crisis level.
The fact remains that Bizi was given a $3 gazillion government bailout, footed by taxpayers, some of whom were not too happy about bailing out these dope heads. They were especially angry when Bizi handed out honkin’ bonus checks to their fellow smoker-tokers, in a moment of ”brilliant” political astuteness. Articles in the newspaper were cruel calling Bizi leadership “Blagojevichian” in its wisdom…ouch. Bizi fired back with an OpEd saying that the newspaper had one use, you could wipe with it…and even at that, there were a whole hell of a lot of better/softer wiping options. Touche.
Meanwhile…citizens, already pretty unhappy with Bizi, were even more turned-off by this banter and started pulling their savings out. Bizi had to move fast, but they knew what they had to do: Toasters…toasters, and lots of them. They offered a free toaster to each account who did not pull money out. Luckily, they had still had some unspent Bailout funds remaining to be able to quickly buy a few truckloads of toasters. Filled their whole vault with toasters where once there was cash.
It’s early to tell, but Bizi says toasters are moving fast. Some customers have complained that the toasters are just the 2-slice kind with narrow slots that don’t do bagels…but they grab them anyway. “We’ll give them as Christmas presents.”