Archive for the ‘Crazies and creepskies’ Category
May 25th, 2013 Posted 5:33 pm
The Bizarreville IRS was awarded the prestigious Leadership Bozo of the Year distinction by the International Council of Bozos yesterday in an impromptu ceremony in the ICOB Weed Garden. The award recognizes organizations that have gone above and beyond the call of duty in demonstrating leadership ineptness, stumblebum levels of in-agility, and lamebrain capacity in helping drag their respective organizations into the abyss of patheticness. The new acting head of the IRS, Milford Feldwich, proudly accepted the award while thanking his recently terminated predecessor for his considerable accomplishments in, what he called, leadership emptiness.
The award is normally bestowed upon fumble-up private enterprise corporations such as Solyndra, Circuit City, The Chicago Cubs, Dog & Suds, Lenox, or Schlitz Brewing…feeling that government organizations have such an unfair natural advantage in the rating criteria. In this case, however, the Selection Committee felt that the IRS had performed heads and shoulders beyond any regular bloated, inefficient, dopey bureaucracy in bozoness…and each day seemed to peel back another layer, as if witnessing the crack design team on the original Chrysler LeBaron project.
The estate of Ringmaster Ned reiterated its dissociation from the Bozo of the Year award and the ICOB. In its statement, family members warned that if they get audited by the IRS because of this award, they would be filing a lawsuit in circuit court so fast that those big floppy feet would look like a candy apple red blur.
Feldwich was apologetic for the organization’s targeting of certain political groups and individuals that “coincidently” happened to be on the President’s Enemy list. He said that those folks would continue to be targeted in the future, but the IRS would also target some names on the President’s Friends list to make it seem more fair. He said that his organization would be cleaning house, but admitted that the people who would be filling the vacated posts were probably just as pathetic as their predecessors, if not more so. When asked about measures to improve accountability, Feldwich answered, “Huh…what’s that?” He then said, “Just kidding. We’re going to make sure all our agents can count. It’s in their job description…I think. Tell you what, let me check on that.”
ICOB noted that there has never been a repeat winner in the history of their award. One committeeman remarked that the agency’s new head, however, has all the makings of a precedent-breaker. He reminded that there is also a Leadership Bozo of the Decade competition, saying that the IRS now seems to be the team to beat.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction. At least, so they say.
April 28th, 2013 Posted 1:40 pm
The Immigration and Naturalization Bureau announced early this week that they have issued a Halt on all immigration applications from the country of Funquat. This comes at the heels of the recent terrorist attack from 2 members of the Funquat Neo-Quackism cult that injured hundreds of innocent pigeons and 3 dogs, some critical, in the Stoolville Park incident.
Funquat officials have vehemently objected to the ban, stating that the Neo-Quackism sect is not at all representative of their citizens. They did admit, however, that they were sympathetic to 97% of all their twisted beliefs, including such things as turtle jihad, nostril hair curling, and wiping prohibition. But they said they are generally not sympathetic to the really weird stuff like public sport-belching. The officials did admit no love of pigeons, while saying the potential loss of dog in the recent incident was an unfortunate collateral outcome.
A group of Ex-Funquatees living in Bizarreville organized a peaceful protest at the University, but were promptly hauled away by police and loaded onto boats headed back to Funquat with their green card cancellation notices. The protestors objected, crying that the new law said nothing about deportation. But the Police Chief said “Tough S#!t.” Reporters were shocked at the use of such political incorrectness, but the Chief responded that there was room on the boat for a couple more knuckleheads, which could include reporter-types. One reporter was grabbed, but he managed to slip away and scamper for the hills, tossing his notebook toward a garbage can, but missing it badly.
Most citizens exhibited joy to see a much overdue aggressive approach to this long-time menacing problem. One person said that his neighbor was an Ex-Funquatee, who almost never mowes his lawn and always has his garage door open. He said that he would be happy to personally drive him to the port and help load him on the next boat. When explained that the guy might be fitted with a suicide bomb vest ensemble, the man retracted and volunteered to call him a taxi.
Administration officials privately warned other rogue nations to get their whacko elements under control, or they would face similar sanctions. An embassy member from Shlumpistan warned that, if sanctioned likewise, they might just retaliate by nerve gassing their own countrymen.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction. Surprise, surprise.
July 28th, 2011 Posted 9:29 pm
Last year, the Siesta Club, Bizarreville’s most radical environmental activist group, filed a lawsuit challenging the amount of pollution emitted from 28 Bizarreville manufacturing plants. The suit alleges that the pollutants have done and continue to do significant harm to humans, animals, and plant life. They cite a study conducted by the 6th grade Boinkertown Elementary School which particularly focused on the ill-effects of sulfur dioxide. The students conducted a lab experiment showing high levels of SO2 made various species of weeds turn brown and made some grasshoppers act crazy. “Plus it smelled pretty bad…like someone cut one,” reported one of the science students.
The Siesta Club is trying to force the 28 factories to install high-tech pollution control equipment to settle the suit. “It doesn’t matter what it costs,” said Dr. J. Perch Plumpsnark, executive director of the Club. “You can’t put a price tag on health. What’s the price of poor old Rover developing a life-long hacking cough? What’s the price of seeing leaves on perfectly good weeds with nasty brown edges everywhere you look? What about poor grampaw suffering from emphysema after 60 years of chain-smoking, now unable to take a full breath because of these pollutants? Priceless…that’s what.”
A spokesman for the Bizarreville Manufacturers Association responded to the suit by saying that the amount of SO2 emitted by these factories was equivalent to putting an eyedrop of roach urine in the Indian Ocean. He said the cost of installing the control equipment would be somewhere north of $65 billion, would increase operating costs 18%, result in 4 million additional tons of waste entering landfills, and…incidently…have a deteriorating effect on the globe’s ozone layer. “These whackos cannot be serious about this lawsuit,” the BMA spokesman said. “I know that a lot of the club members are chronic dope-smokers, but it looks like someone has been putting some pretty nasty stuff in their bongs lately.”
The BMS asked for the case to be summarily dismissed. But the District Judge refused to grant a dismissal. Risking a contempt of court filing, the BMA spokesman responded, “Looks like the Judge has been toking off that same bong.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the enviro-whacko ones.
June 23rd, 2011 Posted 2:28 am
Sure, sure, sure, the Economy is in the toilet…high-flowing unemployment, constipated GDP growth, housing taking continuous enemas (Beep, beep), Weiner’s weiner getting headline news (honk). Jason Shlepberd at Mungtown Associates telling you to bale now and stick it all in gold, ammunition, MR freeze-dried burger meals, and TP futures. Should you do it…well should you (quack, quack)?
Yes, absolutely…Jason are you listening to me? Go, go now…before the snow-covered stadium collapses on your hypodermic needle-size noggin (crash). And while you’re loading up your fallout shelter with sanitary napkins, consider buying this: Undertakers WorldGroup. Your buddies at Flunkster Munkster Corp have poo-pooed UWG for the past 8 months, due to their lack of earnings in a business that “the dumbest person in the history of Bizarreville should be able to figure some way to make money, or at least break-friggin-even” (ching, ching). Hey, friends, I know the CEO, who has shared with me his “Corpse to Life” turnaround plan. Includes cost containment measures such as more extensive use of recycling. Pull out your January 2012 calendars, and mark it down: $51/share, 40% gain from now. Let’s go to the phones.
Booya, Jim. Should I sell or hold my Fartgas Partners stock, now that the Chief Financial Officer has admitted to embezzlement, fraud, and inappropriate contact with his male admin?
Sell? Are you serious? Sell? This company is poised for triple digit growth now that the Department of Energy has approved its product for use as a natural gas substitute in Power plants and industrial applications (pfffffttt). That CFO? I’ve known he was some kind of pervert for 18 months. Probably been sniffing too much of their product in the test lab. They’ll fire him, and hire some non-perv by next Thursday. Let’s see…FGP was down 6 bucks in yesterday’s trading. Listen, I’d be loading up on it, wheelbarrows full of Fartgas…maybe hot air balloons full. Hey…possible product line extension! You heard it here first, Mr. Fartgas. I expect some royalty checks…next caller.
What are your thoughts on DTJ, Dialtone Jones…that company that makes those clunky, enormous cell phones that were popular 15 years ago? Stock is selling for about 13 cents right now.
I’d wait till it goes down to a dime, then buy it like a grammaw at her last garage sale (boingggg). Those big-ass phones are starting to come back…sorta retro fashion statement. Saw one guy last week using one that had a rotary dialer on it. Classic, sheer classic masterpiece (dit, dit, dit, dit, dit). Listen, when they turn the corner on this retro market, they’ll start making serious money, shaky hand over trembling fist. All their buildings and equipment are paid for. They’ve reduced staff down to about 11 fat guys and a truck…at minimum wage and minimum maintenance, respectively. Nothing but upside, my friend. If it goes down to a nickel, remortgage your house, and load up on it like a 3rd trip to the carved beef line at the Golden Corral buffet.
That’s all the time we have. See you next time on Crazy Money.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the business-oriented ones.
December 11th, 2010 Posted 1:39 pm
The compromised tax deal announced by the President has infuriated a group who were thought to be his staunchest allies. The activist group known as the King Georgers was formed soon after the Tea Party groups were formed, in direct opposition to the “teabaggers”. Their platform is simple: ‘More tax. Never, never less tax.’ They believe in fiscal responsibility: tax the piss out of people to support an ever-expanding government with everybody paying their unfair share. Hey, life is not fair. The King Georgers claim that there is so much work to do in terms of complete Health Care takeover, auto/steel industry nationalization, and bank/financial system totalitarianism. And that needs to be paid for. This recent deal of continuing the ill-advised Bush tax cuts, after promising to nuke them, is their last straw, prompting them to take to the streets.
The King Georgers staged a rally yesterday to coalesce their membership, which is mostly comprised of multi-billionaires on one hand, and people who don’t pay any taxes on the other. There was a smattering of pseudo-intellectuals in the crowd, mostly burnt-brain college professors who were reportedly mumbling incomprehensible jibberish to themselves. They proudly raised their flag, featuring a likeness of King George III himself, looking pissy and ready to pound some colonist butt.
“Our elected officials,” the GeorgeMaster shouted, “are continuing to let us down. They are squandering away precious time that could be spent dreaming up new creative tax schemes, squelching slimy loopholes, and melting away frivolous deductions. Instead they are wasting time on these incomprehensibly stupid tax cut ideas. How do they expect to pay for the next General Motors takeover? The next Citi Bank takeover? The complete takeover of all media by the FCC?? We need revenue, lots of revenue to realize our bold plans for a united controlled system.”
Just then, the crowd started chanting, “Tax, tax, tax, tax.” The echo almost made it sound like “Axe tax”, so the leader quickly hushed the crowd, lest anyone get the wrong message.
“We long for the good old days of King George III,” he continued. ”A time of glory when kickbacks, bribes, and favors were the primary tools to win influence. A time of ‘well-managed corruption’ throughout the land. A time when vindictiveness was the answer for those who chose to be misaligned. Where leaders would respond to Tea Party hijinx by closing the port, shutting down the city, and shooting a few rowdies if they got too confused. We need to get back to that heavy-handedness of yore.”
Insiders on the President’s staff have unofficially responded that the King Georgers just need to show a little more patience. “He has the same goals that you do,” he said, speaking to a gang of Georgers. “He’s just doing a little shake & bake right now to catch the opposition off-guard. Don’t worry, he’ll be back…then look out! He’ll make ole King George look like Mary Poppins.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.
August 22nd, 2010 Posted 5:17 pm
Followers of the religion Vegetism are not strangers to controversy. Their faithful have faced the scorns of many naysayers who have criticized their unusual worship of plants, fruits, and vegetables. But their latest initiative has created an uproar in the non-Vegetism population.
It all started when the Vegites announced plans to purchase property to build an enormous worship site near Ground Zero, obviously regarded as a sacred place by many people. It got even more heated when it became known that the Vegite worship site would, in fact, be a gigantic 50-foot high compost pile full of potato peelings, grass clippings, skunk beer, stale fruit, and other vegetating crud that would normally find its way into a garbage disposal.
Opponents have claimed that the people responsible for the 911 disaster may well have been on some kind of nutty, vegetable diet causing short-circuits in their reasoning power. Vegite supporters insist there is no evidence, no proof, no information whatsoever that supports such a goofy notion.
People who are close to the opponents but refused to go on record say that there is a hidden agenda reason for opposing the Vegite shrine. They say that the pile will just stink to high heaven. Merchants in a 6-block radius will not be able to stay open during hot summer days because of the overwhelming stench from this pile of decaying garbage. They say they asked whether the stinky pile could be enclosed, but the Vegite leaders had refused saying that the compost pile will not properly biodegrade inside.
It is not clear how this battle will end. Administration officials say that this is a free country and people should be allowed to build what they want, be able to worship the way they want without undue/arbitrary restrictions. One insider said that he thinks it is funny/ironic that many opposers are free enterprise supporters on most other issues, but for some reason, oppose this one because it does not fit their own agenda. “You can’t have it both ways,” he said, while chowing down a vegetable hot dog.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
July 19th, 2010 Posted 3:07 am
Federal officials have been outspoken about states wanting to take illegal immigration control into their own hands. They have been particularly disturbed about Arizona’s proposed law which would give the right to law enforcement to check residency status for scoundrels who rob a convenience store, drive like reckless maniacs, or beat up an innocent child. Candidates running in primary elections in many other states have stated they support the Arizona law, and would push to have it adopted in their state, if elected.
Government officials have threatened to file law suits over these laws or proposed laws to head them off at the pass. They say that the federal government has firm quotas on how many illegals are allowed to enter the country, and if states start cracking down, they may fall short of meeting their quotas for illegals.
“We had several months last winter where we fell disappointingly short,” said Illegal Immigration Czar Jose Mafunknutz. “We tried to open the borders more, even offered free tacos and beer at several border stations, but still could not seem to draw enough interest. Volume has picked up recently, but we’re afraid that when cold weather starts hitting the midwest, there will be another falloff as the potential aliens elect to just stay home.”
Malfunknutz is very concerned about the potential for profiling if the Arizona law becomes template for other states. “You cannot discriminate against a person just because he or she is involved in drug trafficking, drunken driving, causing a public nuisance by peeing in alleys, or all of the above. That is clearly profiling, and totally illegal. We have staffs of lawyers who will protect the rights of the drunken public pissers to the fullest extent, and warn all police officers that we will go after their badges if they engage in this type of blatant discrimination. Come on…let’s all get along…after all, when people gotta go, they gotta go.”
State governments seem unfazed by the federal sword rattling, and are proceeding with crack-down plans regardless.
All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.
May 5th, 2010 Posted 1:53 am
Comments have been flying high and wide analyzing the recent bumbled attempt to set off a car bomb in Times Square this week. Faisal Shahzad, the alleged nutcase from Pakistan’s Cradle of Nutballs region, used cheap firecrackers, a Dollar Store one buck alarm clock, and a strange combination of quasi-explosives in the muffed attempt. The mayor of New York called the attempt “amateurish”, while other pundits described it as an “incompetent pitiful bombing misadventure”. Truly, most have agreed that this bombing attempt was certainly one of the five most pathetic bombing attempts in modern history, and in a tight race with the Christmas underwear bomber for this year’s “Pinto” award.
Shahzad, who was undergoing tough questioning at the nearby Hyatt luxury hotel and spa, was reached for comments during coffee/juice break time. He strongly objected to being characterized as amateurish. “I have spent many months in the finest Taliban camps and Al Qaeda s#!t-holes to learn bomb making and explosivology. I have tutored under some of the most renowned Islamic terrorist trainers who have sent hundreds, no thousands, of suicide bombers to virgin-infested heaven. I can show you a 10-page resume of mischief experience and wrongdoing that could rival any scumbag you put me up against. To call me an amateur is an insult to me, my family, and to the entire terrorist nation. I am a professional.”
The Professional Bombers Association agreed with the mayor and pundits. A spokesman for the association said that Shahzad is a shahzad, just what his name says: “In our international brotherhood lexicon, a shahzad is a total bumbling nitwit. His original name was Mohammed Shlunkmeyer, but his buddies changed his name to Shahzad as a joke. I guess he never got it. In any case, he never passed our rigorous car bomber certification test, never paid his dues.”
He went on to say, “Look at his whole bomb set up. He buys a dirt cheap SUV for 1300 bucks, no navigation system, cheap 4-speaker stereo. He loads it with artificial fertilizer that any idiot would know won’t work. The stuff doesn’t even smell like S#!t, for crying out loud!! How dumb can you be to buy fertilizer that don’t stink? Then he wires it up like he’s he’s wiring a shlunkfunkler. Geez, man. Don’t embarass us professionals by calling yourself one.”
He went on to say that Shahzad should be locked up, put away for good…but he snickered every time he spoke the word Shahzad. “Cracks me up, man, cracks me up.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
April 17th, 2010 Posted 8:20 pm
The Left wing Administration, during the process of rolling-out their Total People Control program, have begun to feel a wee bit of pressure from ordinary citizens. People are finally waking up from their political sleep, defogging their brains, and coming to realize that they could end up losing a lot of freedoms in the future, as these Changes You Can Believe In elements take hold. More and more citizens are starting to get vocal at Tea Party rallies and Town Hall meetings. Others are sending emails to their representatives…but of course, those are pretty much getting s#!*t canned by screeners, who are protecting the representatives’ delicate ears from such blatant in-your-face feedback.
But last week, the Administration staffers got their eggheads together and developed a fool-proof plan to combat this wave of discontent, and get on a new course to change public opinion. One of the Senior Gophers came up with the brilliantly innovative idea of issuing Liberty Coupons. For that bit of initiative, the Gopher was given 2 free movie passes to the theater of his choice and 1 large popcorn/Coke combo…total estimated value of over 100 bucks.
The Liberty Coupons program would work like this. Liberty Coupons could be granted by any member of government to individuals who have displayed superior loyalty, taken brave action to help crush any opposition, or just suck-up well. These coupons could be sold or traded, but each coupon would allow the bearer the privilege of garnering one small act of freedom. Multiple coupons could be used for larger acts of freedom. All coupon redemption offers would be illustrated in a full-color catalog, produced by the new Department of People Control.
For example, one Liberty Coupon could allow the bearer to procure a simple act of freedom, such as being entitled to read a Sean Hannity book, buy a Rock&roll CD, or be allowed to cut down a tree on his/her property. Trading in 5 Liberty Coupons could allow you to visit the Doctor of your choice, or perhaps be able to purchase a large order of fries at a designated McDonalds or Burger King. A five-spot could allow a citizen the right to buy a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer at a non-governmental beverage distributor. Or, it could allow you to paint a wall in your home a color other than the normally prescribed “Autumn Wheat”.
And it would go up from there. Ten coupons, for example, could permit you to lock your home doors. Twenty coupons would allow you to purchase a non-hybrid vehicle…and for 2 more coupons, you could actually be allowed to buy a diesel. Mind you, the coupons don’t cover the price of the merchandise you would have to pay…only the right to be able to make the purchase….consumers would still have to fork over the dough, in addition to the Coupon.
Thirty coupons would permit you to send your children to a non-ghetto school…or allow you to accept a job in the rapidly dwindling private sector…that is, if there are still any jobs available.
The Administration likes the program’s premise, in that it is modeled after the successful Rewards programs that people now love so much. And the Liberty Coupon program will encourage the behavior of “saving up” for those freedoms that people cherish the most, rather than just wasting Liberty Coupons on small trivial freedoms that don’t really matter that much to them. All in all, the staff seems enthusiastic about finding this common ground with the Freedom Seekers contingent out there, and plan to get this program rolling on a fast-track by July.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem quite real.
April 9th, 2010 Posted 2:34 am
Introducing the new Thugster Card, a card designed especially for that small portion of the population who normally has been systematically excluded from any/all perky Rewards programs…the common thug. Now you, yes you, can utilize your own unique talents/skills to earn exciting prizes and trips to your favorite destinations.
Each time you go into that biker bar and beat up a few weenies, you earn points that will be tabulated by the bar-keep hiding beneath the bar. Break a few chairs or mirrors: bonus points. Pop some smart alec with a pool cue-stick: earn gold star points, as well as the admiration of your fellow Thugster reward friends.
But there’s more, much more. Even simple thuggery like shoving an old lady into a mud puddle gets you points, if witnessed by another Thugster card member. Sticking out your tongue at a little baby and scaring him half to death has been another popular point-grabber. Almost any kind of cheating will help you quickly rack up bonus points as you strive for Platinum card status. And when you get there, point awards all double. Imagine that!
Just present your card to the Warden after your sentence, and he will provide you with a pamphlet of thrill-packed choices…ranging from paisley or pastel-colored jumpsuits to Chain gang adventures where you can pretend you’re Cool Hand Luke and get the piss actually knocked out of you…! How’s that for a reality experience? You may even get 30 days in the hole, if they still have holes where you’ll be staying.
And when you’re parolled, the Warden will hand your Thugster card back so that you can get back on the street and start amassing new points: harrassing homeless peole, urinating in public, or shouting obscenities at a cop. The fun never stops.
Sign up now. And remember there’s no annual fee. Actually there was an annual fee, but our President stole it…gave him 300 points for that one…what a riot! Act now.
March 15th, 2010 Posted 11:24 pm
A consortium of Mid-East lawyers has announced plans to file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of hundreds of suicide bombers, against Al-Qaeda leaders. The suit was initiated by a lawyer representing one of the recent 4 bombers who lit off in Kandohar over ther weekend. The lawyer claimed he was visited by his client’s ghost wearing a fire-retardant outfit, and smelling like a Burger King parking lot, wanting immediate justice. The consortium spokesman said it would likely be a difficult lawsuit representing so many dead guys, but they were confident in ultimate victory.
The problem, they say, comes down to a breach of promise made to the suicide crazies: that they would receive an eternal perch in heaven and a bevvy of virgins, in return for their suicide act. The lawyers say that they have conclusive evidence that these patsies, in fact, ended up in the hottest-stoked grates in hell. Worse yet, the so-called “virgins” ended up being virgin sheep.
Al-Qaeda lawyers say that there is no such evidence, and that they have been assured by the Council of Islamic clerics that the eternal promises are rock solid and are truly being kept. They have produced volumes of scripts from prophets and learned theologians as their so-called proof.
But the plaintiffs believe they have a winnable case. They have conducted hundreds of seances, producing audio tapes and bonefide transcripts from top-notch mediums. Lawyers claim they have quotes such as “I’m friggin burning up down here,” “These sheep smell really bad,” “My soul is past well-done, turn me over,” and “Hitler sends his regards.”
It is still an uphill battle in getting a judge to hear their case. Much of the evidence will be considered hear-say, at best. Cross-examination will be difficult, if not impossible. And, naturally, the other difficulty would be the lack of a workable remedy. Stay tuned.
March 10th, 2010 Posted 12:07 am
Bizarreville reporters have been able to get the inside scoop to help us all better understand Rahm Emanuel’s new shower strategy to pressure various Dems to vote for the President’s liberaloski agenda. Many pundits had previously thought the shower thing was kind of yang showdown…but further investigation uncovered certain technical problems that made that approach non-feasible.
No, Emanuel is instead trying to break down the shyness barrier that is so prevalent in the country, so that people get more used to the idea of communal showers and public baths. “After all,” Emanuel said, ” it was commonplace in Roman times for citizens to get naked together, bathe with each other, and wash each others’ private parts. Why, two thousand years later, are we so nakedophobic now?”
Communal bathing is a key cornerstone in his future vision for the country. He considers people who have enormous master bathrooms and homes with multiple private toilets as “greedy crappers”. He has mentioned several times that he converted 3 bathrooms in his own home into small apartments for his in-laws, and replaced one small toilet in the remaining head with a communal trough for multi-users. Rahm points out that his family saves 2000 gallons of water per year by these buddy-up conservation measures.
For smirkers, Emanuel responds that his setup will be the model for the future, when water rationing becomes law…probably in Obama’s second term. Meanwhile, he understands that some congressmen will complain about his jaybird strategy. Female congresspeople could not be reached for comment.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.