bizarreville

Whimsy, satire, irreverent humor, and hijinx from a place not so far away

IRS voted Leadership Bozos of the Year

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May 25th, 2013 Posted 5:33 pm

The Bizarreville IRS was awarded the prestigious Leadership Bozo of the Year distinction by the International Council of Bozos yesterday in an impromptu ceremony in the ICOB Weed Garden.  The award recognizes organizations that have gone above and beyond the call of duty in demonstrating leadership ineptness, stumblebum levels of in-agility, and lamebrain capacity in helping drag their respective organizations into the abyss of patheticness.   The new acting head of the IRS, Milford Feldwich, proudly accepted the award while thanking his recently terminated predecessor for his considerable accomplishments in, what he called, leadership emptiness.

The award is normally bestowed upon fumble-up private enterprise corporations such as Solyndra, Circuit City, The Chicago Cubs, Dog & Suds, Lenox, or Schlitz Brewing…feeling that government organizations have such an unfair natural advantage in the rating criteria.  In this case, however, the Selection Committee felt that the IRS had performed heads and shoulders beyond any regular bloated, inefficient, dopey bureaucracy in bozoness…and each day seemed to peel back another layer, as if witnessing the crack design team on the original Chrysler LeBaron project.

The estate of Ringmaster Ned reiterated its dissociation from the Bozo of the Year award and the ICOB.  In its statement, family members warned that if they get audited by the IRS because of this award, they would be filing a lawsuit in circuit court so fast that those big floppy feet would look like a candy apple red blur.

Feldwich was apologetic for the organization’s targeting of certain political groups and individuals that “coincidently” happened to be on the President’s Enemy list.  He said that those folks would continue to be targeted in the future, but the IRS would also target some names on the President’s Friends list to make it seem more fair.  He said that his organization would be cleaning house, but admitted that the people who would be filling the vacated posts were probably just as pathetic as their predecessors, if not more so.  When asked about measures to improve accountability, Feldwich answered, “Huh…what’s that?”  He then said, “Just kidding.  We’re going to make sure all our agents can count.  It’s in their job description…I think.  Tell you what, let me check on that.”

ICOB noted that there has never been a repeat winner in the history of their award.  One committeeman remarked that the agency’s new head, however, has all the makings of a precedent-breaker.  He reminded that there is also a Leadership Bozo of the Decade competition, saying that the IRS now seems to be the team to beat.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least, so they say.

Bizarreville Immigration Policy Change

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April 28th, 2013 Posted 1:40 pm

The Immigration and Naturalization Bureau announced early this week that they have issued a Halt on all immigration applications from the country of Funquat.  This comes at the heels of the recent terrorist attack from 2 members of the Funquat Neo-Quackism cult that injured hundreds of innocent pigeons and 3 dogs, some critical,  in the Stoolville Park incident.

Funquat officials have vehemently objected to the ban, stating that the Neo-Quackism sect is not at all representative of their citizens.  They did admit, however, that they were sympathetic to 97% of all their twisted beliefs, including such things as turtle jihad, nostril hair curling, and wiping prohibition.  But they said they are generally not sympathetic to the really weird stuff like public sport-belching.  The officials did admit no love of pigeons, while saying the potential loss of dog in the recent incident was an unfortunate collateral outcome.

A group of Ex-Funquatees living in Bizarreville organized a peaceful protest at the University, but were promptly hauled away by police and loaded onto boats headed back to Funquat with their green card cancellation notices.  The protestors objected, crying that the new law said nothing about deportation.  But the Police Chief said “Tough S#!t.”  Reporters were shocked at the use of such political incorrectness, but the Chief responded that there was room on the boat for a couple more knuckleheads, which could include reporter-types.  One reporter was grabbed, but he managed to slip away and scamper for the hills, tossing his notebook toward a garbage can, but missing it badly.

Most citizens exhibited joy to see a much overdue aggressive approach to this long-time menacing problem.  One person said that his neighbor was an Ex-Funquatee, who almost never mowes his lawn and always has his garage door open.  He said that he would be happy to personally drive him to the port and help load him on the next boat.  When explained that the guy might be fitted with a suicide bomb vest ensemble, the man retracted and volunteered to call him a taxi.

Administration officials privately warned other rogue nations to get their whacko elements under control, or they would face similar sanctions.  An embassy member from Shlumpistan warned that, if sanctioned likewise, they might just retaliate by nerve gassing their own countrymen.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Surprise, surprise.

Burger World now accepting food stamps

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April 20th, 2013 Posted 9:31 pm

In a surprising announcement yesterday, Elmer Shtootz, CEO of Burger World, announced that the company’s restaurants would now be accepting food stamps for all purchases of food items, with the exception of hot apple pies.  He said that it was high time that everyone started realizing that poor people get tired of slaving over a hot kitchen stove just like other people, and need a break once in a while.  Mr. Shtootz revealed that when he was a child, his family had to rely on food stamps and would never take him to a fast food chain to enjoy the occasional greasy burger and fries, let alone a milk shake.  He said he was 30 years old before he even tasted a shake, only to find out that he was lactose intolerant.  He did not elaborate further on that.

Shtootz indicated that all franchisees would also be expected to follow the lead of the company restaurants, and accept food stamps.  Any franchisee grousing would be considered grounds for sign removal.

The Bizarreville Health & Human Services Administration reported that restaurant acceptance of food stamps had been strictly prohibited in the past, but they were willing to allow Burger World to accept them on a trial basis.  The BHHS chief said that many food stamp recipients had complained in the past that it was unfair to have such an unreasonable restriction, and she was getting tired of listening to all the whining and bellyaching.

Another major fast food chain, Snarfburger Inc, has filed a charge of Unfair Favoritism by allowing Burger World to have this exclusive benny.  A spokesman indicated the company would take the issue to the Supreme Court if necessary in order to level the playing field in the burger wars.

One critic complained that this action was just going to make these poor people unhealthier that they already were.  He said that Burger World’s burgers have so much fat that it takes one full pound of meat to end up with a quarter-pounder after cooking.  A BW spokesman said, “That’s baloney.”  It was not clear if he was referring to their new baloney burger which went on sale earlier this month, or just cracking wise.

One reporter asked Mr. Shtootz why the company was not permitting hot apple pies to be covered under the food stamp provision.  Shtootz responded that pies would have to be paid in cash in order to prevent the jumbo-size food stamp customers from loading up 4 or 5 dozen pies and running them out of stock.  He said they were also considering placing a limit on orders of fries per food stamp customer, but for now, were adopting a wait-and-see policy.

“The fries question is a much tougher one to deal with,” commented Shtootz.  “Do you cap it at 5 large orders, but allow unlimited small fries orders?  And where does the medium size fit in?  It’s all just too complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

Truth in Lawmaking

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March 17th, 2013 Posted 1:20 pm

Despite bi-partisan dissatisfaction, the President signed the new Truth in Lawmaking Act in a poppy garden ceremony yesterday.  The new law will require that legislators and other government officials be completely honest in development and communication of new laws, budgets, and other mischievious political dealings.  As expected, both parties issued scathing rebuttals, with threats that the Act could unravel the very framework of the legislative body.

The law had been initiated after a nationwide referendum.  87% of the public favored a truth in lawmaking rule; the other 13% turned out to be government employees.

The law will no longer allow congress to call a reduction in the amount of funding increase a “cut”.  A cut will have to be a cut, which is defined in the Act as an actual reduction versus current spending.  A “sizeable cut” will require a 15% real reduction or more.  A “huge cut” will require a 30% hacking.  A reduction in the amount of increase will hereafter be called a “smaller increase”.

Politicians will be forced to quit claiming job losses or job gains from sequesters or any other program.  A recent Bizarreville University study determined that all such claims suggesting there is a relationship between numbers of jobs and political actions of one type or other are “meritless poppycock”.  The study left open the possibility that there could, in the future, conceivably be a specific directed government program aimed at truly incentivizing an industry to build new manufacturing plants and create real, long-lasting jobs…but doubted it would ever happen, since it has never happened before.

The President pointed out that he has always supported the whole notion of truth and honesty.  An Aide had to pull him aside mid-speech, and tell him that he could no longer get away with that kind of comment any more.

States and local legislatures would be forced to comply with the new law, as well.  The concept of a temporary one-cent sales tax, used in the past purportedly to help build new schools and hire better teachers, but really used to line the pockets of cronies with ill-conceived new sidewalk programs, would be specifically prohibited.  The new Act states that any local lawmaker even suggesting such a program would be immediately impeached and forced to do 120 days of dog park cleanup duty.

The new law even extends to rogue Homeowner Association Boards who recklessly implement increases in annual dues, based on lies and deceptions.  Many such Boards were discovered to have hired inept association managers who were almost as bad as congresspeople in their lack of financial prudence, cost discipline, transparency, and character traits.  Some were found trying to jam through increases with fictional accounts of problems in order to fund their swelling budgets.  One manager, who was discovered trashing perfectly good flowers at the entrance gate in order to change-up the color scheme, threatened to leave the association and run for congress if any action was taken against her.

A spokesman for the Liberals decried the new law, stating that it infringed on the legislature’s “inalienable right” to massage facts, contort reality, and hide the fine print…so important to the lawmaking process.  He said that it would throw 200 years of history in the legislative commode, a commode that is already stopped-up with some big ones.

A Conservative spokesman said, “Ditto”.

A respresentative of the Homeowner Association Managers Union said they plan to continue to bend the truth regardless of the new law.  They claim that they are an independent governing body protected from intrusive federal regulation.  A network pundit, former judge, just laughed and said, “See you knuckleheads in Court.”

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite on any obvious similarities.

Fiscal Cliff Dropouts

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December 21st, 2012 Posted 11:26 pm

Once upon a time, there were 2 congressmen.  These fellows, at one time in their lives, were very smart people.  But the draining effect of serving many years, decades, in congress emptied all their intelligence juices into the congressional sewer, forcing them to act like mindless numbskulls.  Somehow these bozos continued to get re-elected, probably because their constituents were as dumb as they were.  So they muddled through their legislative jobs, showing up occasionally, and voting Aye or Nay on stuff, normally not paying much attention to what the stuff was.  Some pundits, evaluating their lacklusterness, called them gutless weiners.  This hurt their feelings, and they claimed that such a characterization was a distortion of the truth.

One gloomy day, the two were wandering aimlessly and found themselves on the brink of a fiscal cliff.  One congressman asked the other, “Do you think we should jump?”

“That’s a good question,” the second congressman replied.

“I wasn’t really asking you to give me a letter grade on the quality of the question, sir,” the first responded.  “I was asking for your position statement.”

“I’m standing.  Right here, next to you.  Can’t you see that?  I know you have eye problems, but this is ridiculous.”

Both congressmen, in fact, had serious eyesight problems.  Neither could see much beyond his own nose.  But the first man confidently spoke that there was a pond at the bottom of the fiscal cliff that would break their fall and prevent serious injury.  He said that he thought they should go for it.

The second congressman hesitated.  He gazed across the narrow plateau, and noticed another fiscal cliff on the other side.  They both walked over, and saw what appeared to be a very deep, catastrophic drop-off into a pile of craggy impailing rocks.  “Why don’t we jump off this fiscal cliff instead?  We would get a lot less wet.  My wife gets so upset when I come home with soaking wet clothes.”

“But it’s about 10 times as big a drop.  We could get seriously skewered on those rocks at the bottom.”

“But it would take longer for it to happen.  I bet it would take almost a minute before we were shish-kabobed.  Over there on your cliff…you would get totally soaked within 3 seconds.”

“Yeah, you’re right.  I wasn’t thinking.  You know it’s really great when we work together in a bi-partisan way to solve a tough problem.  We learn so much when we work together.”

They hugged each other, and took a flying leap.  It took 43 seconds for them to get bludgeoned, far short of the one-minute prediction.  A mountain climber who witnessed the leap said they seemed happy and excited most of the way down.  He said one yelled “Cowabunga” at about the halfway point, but the other fellow yelled something that sounded like the F-word.  He was not sure if that was a positive kind of F, or a negative F…probably the latter.

Back at the Hall of Congress, the fellow congressmen of their 2 fallen comrades commended them for their bravery, and passed a resolution that history should not regard them as gutless weiners.  One freshman congressman asked why they felt the need to jump at all?  But he was pulled aside and reprimanded by a senior legislator for his lack of sensitivity in this moment of grief.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Are you surprised?

The Fiscal Cliff

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December 2nd, 2012 Posted 1:30 am

When the President instructed all citizens to jump off the Fiscal Cliff, Johnnie was reluctant.  He had been a staunch supporter of the Chief Exec, even voted for him in the November election.  He particularly liked the way the President said he was going to go after those nasty rich guys who had good jobs but were not paying their fair share of taxes.  Johnnie knew that those guys were going to have to jump off an even bigger, steeper cliff.  And, well, it served them right for being so damn greedy.  But as Johnnie approached the precipice, he began to wonder…began to question this brand of leadership:  trust me, I’ve got your back.  Johnnie looked around and did not see anyone with a life line that would take care of his back, his front, or any other body part for that matter.

Johnnie had been watching the TV news.  His favorite station, Channel 7 Marxwitness News, had interviewed a left-leaning senator who confidently explained that it was not really a fiscal “cliff”, more of a fiscal playground slide.  “Well then why do they call it a cliff, if it’s only a slide” he thought.  “And why, when I look down this fall-off does it look like I will need an EMT squad when I hit bottom?”

He inched forward, loosening a few pebbles that tumbled down the cliff…bouncing along on the jagged rocks until they finally launched themselves for uninterrupted treks to the bottom.  Is that how he would tumble…carom off a few rocks, causing some minor bruises and lacerations before being pushed away from the rocky surface for the bullet train to the bottom?  Or would he snowball down the cliff, painfully tumbling round and round like some Hanna Barbera cartoon character?

Johnnie backed away for a minute.  He began to wonder why it was necessary that he jump off the cliff.  After all, he had done nothing wrong, nothing unscrupulous.  Well, there was that one time that he padded his expense account on that training trip…but he would gladly refund the $3.50 now to avoid this calamity.  His neighbor Fred was a lot more unscrupulous.  Fred even lied on his resume about that time he got canned…said it was his own decision to leave the company.  Baaah, he was drop-kicked like a worn-out rugby ball.  He ought to be jumping off the cliffs of Dover.

Then he remembered the President’s speech last week, explaining how jumping was everyone’s patriotic duty.  Johnnie, if nothing else, was certainly a patriot.  He knew he could never go back into town and have everyone accuse him of being an unpatriotic piece of chicken crap.  It would be a life of shame, hiding from ridicule and finger-pointing of fellow citizens…turning away from the whispers and head shakes from friends who thought they knew him better…being uninvited to Thanksgiving football watching by embarrassed family members.  Being called a Jumpless Wonder.  No, that would never do.

Johnnie looked down the face of the cliff one more time.  Hey, he thought… he might just get a little banged-up, but come out surviving.  He could buy himself a tee-shirt proudly saying “I survived the Fiscal Cliff jump”.  He could wear that shirt to Thanksgiving Day football next year.

He gulped hard, inched a little bit forward…a little more…a teensy bit more.  Then the alarm went off.

Debatest Show on Earth

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October 18th, 2012 Posted 2:32 am

After the near 3-ring circus performance of the Presidential debate combatants, the Official Debate Commission is burning the midnight oil to determine how to restructure the format and ground rules to make the sessions moderately watchable.  Some citizens who sat in the studio audience of the recent debate suggested that the organizers start selling peanuts and marshmallows to audience spectators of this zoo, so they could toss them at the barking penguins on stage.  Penguin lovers objected to that characterization.

The debate modulators have been criticized for being totally inept nincompoops, applying second-grade level facilitation performance in stumbling their way through the hour and a half.  But both have responded that, in their defense, the 2 participants were not listening, were not behaving, were not showing a modicon of respect.  The modulators admitted, however, that they had forgotten that these guys were professional politicians, genetically unable to listen, behave, or show respect…and probably could not even read a clock, to boot.

Improvement suggestions for the last debate have included putting up red flags, trap doors, or electro-shocks to stop the mad debaters from running over their prescribed time limits.  One person suggested just shutting off their microphones in mid-blabbermouth when the clock read 0:00, and let them just mime the rest.  But both teams have objected to anything that quashes the ability for the candidate to finish making his lumbering freight train of thought.  One spokesman likened it to stopping a certain bodily function before full completion, an analogy which seemed to turn the stomachs of all reporters in ear range.

Another concern is the need to address the spews of obnoxious lies each candidate has told on each other.  TV networks had tried using a reporter to detect lies and point out real facts, but it turned out that these people were lying too.  Competing networks then tried to fact-check the reporters’ lies, but it turned out they were lying just as badly.  One Nobel prize winning journalist finally suggested that voters should just forget about truth, facts, policy concepts, or promises, and just focus on the quality of their neckties to decide how to vote in the election.   “You can’t lie about tie quality,” he said.  “It is what it is.  All the spinning in the world cannot cover up an ugly tie.”

A growing fear is the chance that there could be physical interaction between contestants as they heat up.  The idea of installing a plexiglas wall between them had been considered, but was rejected as being a bit un-cool.  A final idea, initially rejected by both camps but later grudgingly accepted, was to have a 3rd grade teacher sit down with them one hour before the match, and teach/scold them on behaving themselves.  Mrs. Farkright of Belfwood Elementary agreed to do it, and promised to have a yardstick handy in case it was needed.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, or so they say…

CEO’s using Obama spin playbook

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September 29th, 2012 Posted 5:01 pm

In recent weeks, several CEO’s of some of Bizarreville’s largest companies have been doing some serious spinning.  They have been impressed with Obama’s ability to take ostensibly horrendous actual results, and somehow spin them into positive-sounding messages to make himself look good.  More importantly, people are buying it all.  Some citizens have given him a total pass on leading the economy into the abyss with no plans to turn it around, and CEO’s are now taking interest in this magic act.  Faced with troubles of their own, the Chief Executive Officers have begun borrowing from the Obama playbook.

For instance, last week, Bill Smerk, CEO of Farknoodle Inc, reported to his company’s Board that the 4 years of earnings loss and cashflow drain with no plans/strategies to improve were the result of his predecessor’s screw-ups.  He said that he has been working hard to dig out of the mess, but had a long way to go.  When asked what major actions he was planning to do to stop the hemmoraging, he replied that his team was busy working on it, but had no good ideas yet.  Smerk said he could turn it around in 4 years, maybe less.

J. Milford Moon, CEO of Dungledoid Computers, reported to Industry analysts yesterday that the reason his company’s balance sheet went from stable to out-of-control was their decision to expand cafeterias in all of their plants and offices in order to provide employees with a good, hot meal.  He explained that many employees had spouses who also worked and were too tired to cook when they got home.  Dungledoid ran up $300 million in new debt, but was able to snare 3 contestants from the Top Chef TV show to join their team.

Benton Silva, CEO of Junkster Corp, in an interview on Shmork Factor, said that the huge losses in the last 12 quarters were certainly bad, but they could have been a lot worse.  Shmork asked him how they could possibly be worse than the average $1 billion per quarter of red ink which put Junkster on the brink of bankruptcy?  Silva said that he had formed a committee to investigate that very question, and they concluded that, yes, it could have been worse…but honestly, it could have been a whole lot better.  Retired ex-CEO William Junkster agreed, saying that it could have been worse…or better…or the same.

Dermot Skunkfit, the CEO of Skunkfit Apparel, decided to play golf when his firm was going through a liquidity crisis recently.  He told club friends that the pressure was too much, and he needed a break so that he could come back to work fully recharged.  Sources say that he lost a $1 Nassau during the match, which really aggravated him.

CEO Lamar Lunchberger said in a recent business magazine interview that his Quacko Company eventually plans to try and rehire their 8400 laid-off employees.  He explained that business conditions have been bad everywhere, but will eventually recover.  He said that they may need more people at Quacko at some point, but it may be a while.  Meanwhile, Quacko has allegedly hired 8400 contract temporary workers to fill the gap…many of whom are believed to be illegal aliens, according to unconfirmed sources.

The CEO’s have shown that they can be every bit as nimble as Mr. Obama when it comes to negative message spinning.  To hedge their bets, however, each CEO admitted confidentially that he had recently updated his resume.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you think must be true.

Senate candidate accosted

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August 28th, 2012 Posted 11:30 pm

An aspiring Senate candidate was accosted yesterday by a gang of unhappy fellow party members, disgruntled over the nominee’s refusal to drop out of the Senate race after making some legendary stupid comments about rape and abortion.  The candidate was reportedly hospitalized to treat various brutal insertions into bodily cavities, and for some psychological treatment for trauma.  He is expected to recover in time for the Fall election.

One question asked by a television reporter, after hearing about this attack, was whether the act was going to be considered legitimate rape or illegitimate rape.  Rape experts have been sought to help answer the question, but they have said that precedent is not clear on this type of personal violation.  If the act had been done by opposing party members, the experts believe that it would have most certainly be classified as “legitimate”.  But since it was done by people from his own party, they say that it is most likely going to be considered illegitmate rape, thereby carrying much less punitive sanctions, perhaps merely a hand slap and a stern lecture from a social worker.

The candidate has responded that, while he may be walking funny for the next few weeks, he plans to stay the course in his Senatorial bid.  Public outcry has suggested that this will provide a landslide win for his opponent, who is already the incumbent.  The candidate admitted that he misspoke in the interview, and that he was fairly ignorant on the subject…but that in no way should ignorance disqualify him from being in the Senate.  Many agree.

Asked how he will physically cope with the tough demands of campaigning, he answered that doctors have told him that the male body has ways to shut down this kind of pain.  He said he expects to be dancing the Charleston by October.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

The Gaffemaster

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August 18th, 2012 Posted 3:07 pm

Party leaders are scurrying, scrambling to determine what to do about the Gaffemaster.  At first, they tried to figure out how to shut the idiot up.  His continuous spew of knucklehead remarks, inappropriate slurs, and bumble-rooskies were seen as embarassing to the entire leadership team, forcing spokesman after spokesman to have to appear on morning TV shows to do damage control.  As time went on, however, it became clear that most citizens did not care.  They saw him as a genuine bozo, fully expecting to see him acting stupid, and simply shrugged it off.  “What’s your point?” became the attitude.

More recently, leaders discovered that his endless series of flubs were actually quite entertaining to a large segment of likely voter-types.  These citizens saw his goofy speeches as a pseudo stand-up comedy routine, chock full of chuckles in an otherwise dull, painfully boring campaign season.  His straight-face, dry presentation style made his one-liners all the more hilarious.  Like a snotty version of yogi-isms, his quips and quakes became crowd favorites.  His recent “put y’all back in chains” slur to a racially-mixed audience drew huge laughs…so many laughs that the VP had to suspend the speech for 10 minutes to give him time to change his wetted pants.  When he returned, he quipped that he hadn’t realized the team’s “Hope and change” campaign theme included underwear…drawing more laughs, and almost causing a change reprise.

Even the infamous gaffe where he asked a man in a wheelchair to stand up and take a bow which seemed humiliating at the time, now is touted as comic genius by the party.  “The guy is remarkable,” a party spokesman said, laughing as he watched the tape of the wheelchair gaffe.  “Look at that stone face…not a flinch…wow!”

Party officials now see the VP’s gaffes as an opportunity rather than a threat.  They have given him a small staff of gaffe writers to devise some fresh new gag material for upcoming events.  Advisors are working with the Gaffemaster to help with his dry delivery style, so that he continues to look like a bumbling birdbrain, rather than a polished comic…part of the “charm” that is critically important to retain for a few more months.  Ironically, even his staunchest opponents are starting to laugh at the little screw-ups in private, feigning outrage in public.  One unidentified opposing party member called his latest series of gaffes “the most pathetic, disgraceful performance by a Vice President since Aaron Burr,” then busted out in a spit take.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are not so far from the truth.

Presidential No Fault Insurance

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June 6th, 2012 Posted 12:14 am

The Presidential Insurance Company is offering a brand new policy to its clients and prospective customers, called the Universal No Fault Insurance Policy.  They expect hundreds of thousands of customers will sign up for this new creative offering, which they plan to offer at highly discounted rates for a limited time.

The policy will offer No Fault protection for any of the policyholder’s screwups, negligence, acts of willful omission, or knuckleheaded blunders…no matter who is truly to blame for the problem.  Even if the holder messes up really bad, Presidential will make him/her whole, either with monetary payouts or valid certificates of blamelessness.  Most compensation instruments will be of this latter form:  a signed, stamped, and notarized “Get Out of Blame” sheepskin which the holder can frame on a wall or keep secure with important papers in a lock box.  Presidential says that it can fax or FedEx the Blameless documents within 12 to 24 hours, but can also offer a bonefide certified Blameless text message immediately if the holder secures a Smartphone App.

For a slight additional cost, the policy holder can designate a universal blamee, who would then be the recipient of all blame, no matter whether he/she was involved or even knowledgable of any of the blaming event elements.  Some school children have asked if they could specify the Dog as a universal blamee for things like homework failures, food disappearances, or spots on the rug…the Insurance company has responded:  most definitely, yes.  The universal blamee option gives the holder a solid blamement alternative which in many cases may work better than the generic No Blame Whatsoever option, which can often leave the Accuser unsatisfied.

How does it all work?  Every event is entered into the Presidential computer, and a sophisticated algorithm connects the event with the univeral blamee, and designates an appropriately chosen cause/excuse.  It sounds difficult, but the program has been refined with artificial stupidity to make it function perfectly every time.  In the dog example, the computer software is loaded with a variety of doggie bodily functions to make the problematic event sound correct.  And remember, each excuse if professionally certified and authorized.

Presidential encourages customers to order quickly to receive the discounted rate.  Website readers can get an additional 10% discount by typing “Blame Bush” in the upper right corner box.  Order now.

 

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as if you didn’t already know that.

Unemployment figures

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June 2nd, 2012 Posted 3:02 pm

The recently announced national unemployment number of 8.2 percent incited a new round of skeptics and pseudo-economists questioning the validity of the numbers.  Many are now thinking the numbers are being manipulated at high levels to produce the numbers they want to see, not a true reflection of the true state of employment.  Others say the numbers are just as trustworthy as the entity producing the numbers.

One conservative economic organization came out yesterday and said that the numbers are skewed because they now exclude people who have allegedly, out of prolonged frustration, stopped looking for work altogether.  These people who had been applying for one or two jobs every quarter, have now stopped applying, stopped wasting their time…time which could be better spent watching Newhart reruns, or playing with the dog.  The organization said that the true unemployment number would rise to 15% if they included those neuvo-slouches back in the mix.

Another organization has countered that if you started recounting these people, then you should also count people who currently have jobs, but don’t like their jobs, and are consequently virtually unemployed.  Many have been getting paychecks for doing next to nothing, while coworkers are having to pick up their slack, and often having to work overtime.  These coworkers should be counted as a person-and-a-half in the equation.  Similarly, people who work two jobs should be counted as two, and guys who deliver pizza on the side should get at least half-person additional credit.

The Citizens Against Illegal Aliens (CAIA) group has argued that the whole exercise is irrelevant.  They say that if the government stepped-up and took care of the illegal problem, there would be oodles of jobs available in yard work, odd jobs, freight handling, hotel maid, taxi cab, and ethnic food service sub-industries.  They acknowledge that most current unemployed people would not want to do the jobs in these sectors because the work is hard and the pay is too lousy.  But the jobs would be there if/when the government dole stopped and they got desperate.

Meanwhile, the administration said that the current unemployment figures are the best we have now, and are unwilling to make any formal changes to formulas.  The spokesman said that if reelected in November, they will promise to form a blue ribbon commission to examine the numbers, and recommend ways to make them look better so that everyone is not so bummed-out when the numbers are reported.

 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.