Archive for January, 2011
January 29th, 2011 Posted 1:46 pm
The Bizarreville Supreme Court announced its controversial decision in a split 5-4 vote that will order the entire congress to be replaced by bobblehead dolls. This move would include both the 435 member House and 100 member Senate, for a total of 535 bobbleheads. The units will be ordered from Bilgewater Bobblers Inc, at a discounted price of $9.99 per doll.
The action, as most people know, was part of a sweeping program to drastically cut the costs of running the bloated government, whose spending had spiralled out of control. It was promptly challenged in the Courts, but in writing the majority opinion, the Chief Justice wrote, “The body had become a nest of whiny, bickering, prima-donna knuckleheads whose every step had been a wrong step, whose every new law had become fubar, and whose leadership had reminded us of ElmerFudd. The founders would have opted for this course-shift long ago…”
Bilgewater says that they can deliver a variety of doll types to meet the Court’s instructions for diversity. They will offer some dolls that bobble up and down, some that bobble sideways, basically mimicking the affirmative nods or negative head shakes of their human counterparts in their respective parties. They can be specified with solid blockheads or mushy marshmallow noggens. And they will come in a range of designer colors and odors, including the newest offerings: shocking pink onion loaf and blue bayou swamp gas.
Accountants estimate the Bobblehead Replacement Initiative (BRI) will save $50 billion per year or more, when just considering their salaries, outrageous perqs, bulging staff costs, frivolous office supply wastage, and of course, the ever-expanding itineraries of boondoggles. More importantly, the initiatve will save hundreds of billions by squelching the spendaholism disease that has ravaged the body of people who, sadly, just can’t say “No”. Some have likened them to Miss Ado Annie in the play ‘Oklahoma’, who sang that she just ‘Cain’t say no’ to fellers…the difference being, of course, that the citizens are on the other end of the sexual experience.
Polls of citizens suggest a concern that the new bobbleheads won’t represent them as well as humans. A protest group of well over 12 people descended on the Courthouse after the announcement. “You can’t be serious,” cried one protestor. “These dolls are just going to blankly stand there like bozos in front of Town Hall meetings, pretend to listen to constituents, while just bobbling their little heads the whole time, and ultimately doing nothing worthwhile….come to think of it, I guess there’s not so much difference after all. Scratch that.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.
January 25th, 2011 Posted 3:37 am
At a press briefing this weekend, the Administration announced the appointment of Jeffrey Staffmelt as head of the new President’s Council on Jobs. Mr. Staffmelt will organize a special ad hoc team to evaluate the current pathetic job situation, understand its root causes, and develop a crisp Power Point presentation on path forward. It is expected that the team will recommend additional subcommittees, sub-subcommittees, maybe even getting down to the tertiary level of sub-committees before it actually does anything tangible.
Reporters were curious to know why Mr. Staffmelt, CEO of Geritol Electric, a company which has been criticized for plant closures, massive staff reductions, and moving jobs to 3rd world countries, was considered the “best” candidate for the job. In particular, some wondered if Mr. Staffmelt, who is affectionately known as “Julio” around the office for all the jobs he’s shipped to Mexico, has the right mindset to create jobs, rather than vaporize them.
“We think he’s the right guy,” the Administration spokesman retorted. “He’s writing a book on Lessons Learned the Hard Way, which encapsulates the mistakes he has made that have literally shut down entire towns as their factories padlocked the gates. He has actually visited some of those towns to see the devastation. Someone said that he had a tear in his eye when he visited Balloogaville three weeks ago. But another said that he thought he just got finished blowing his nose.”
The spokesman went on to say that the focus will be on jobs where our country has a distinct competitive advantage. “…And that doesn’t mean just flipping burgers at McDonalds. No. There are many other opportunities out there: Burger King, Arbys, Hardees, and…well, thousands of chicken franchises. You know as well as I that these places need good help…you end up waiting in line 10 minutes to get a lousy chocolate shake, for crying out loud. We’re looking to Mr. Staffmelt to establish some tough new industry standards on waiting lines as one of his first priorities. That will get more people on payrolls, and off unemployment compensation.”
It was noted that Mr. Staffmelt has won a number of awards, and last year bought a trophy case that he placed in his vacation cottage office. His most recent award came from Flunkmaster Magazine for having the highest differential between his personal compensation and his company’s performance, among all CEO’s. In the article, Staffmelt credited his best friend and personal agent for developing and negotiating a complex pay scheme algorithm for him, which kept his package skyrocketing in spite of cratering results. “Guy’s a genious,” Staffmelt was quoted. ”True genious. I love the guy. I’d marry him if he weren’t so ugly.”
A spokesman for Staffmelt read a statement that Jeffrey was looking forward to his new post. The appointment was timely, especially given the rumor that he might be s#!t-canned from his current CEO position. Geritol Electric stockholders have been vocally upset about the company’s dismal performance, losing 50% of its value over the past four years, and running a mixed bag of tangled, conglomerated operations that Business Funk magazine called “the most inefficient business model since the days of Textron.” When one reporter referred to that article and asked who the hell Textron was, the spokesman said, “Beats me. Never heard of them.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you think you saw before in the real world.
January 16th, 2011 Posted 1:23 pm
Administration officials were handing out celebratory cigars this past week as gasoline prices at the pump continued to rise well above $3 per gallon, and crude oil prices started getting close again to the $100 per barrel mark.
A spokesman, while doing a simulated brow-wipe of relief, had to towel off tears of joy as he read the statement, occasionally pausing in an emotional Boehner-like moment as he tried to get the words out. “The President’s Economists were extremely concerned about the potential for spiralling hyper-deflation, which could have a crushing effect on the economy, and probably lead us into a depression. The combination of deflation and no economic growth would be disastrous.”
He pointed out that oil/gasoline prices are key to the economy because they impact virtually all elements directly or indirectly. “The Economic Council encourages all citizens to use more gasoline. Everyone should consider, strongly consider, rushing out and buying some SUV’s. Not those puny little kiddie-toy utility vehicles that look like SUV’s with osteoporosis. No…the big momma’s with the 10.9 liter V-12 engines that have trailer towing capacity of a 12-ton house trailer. That’s what we’re talking about. If only 10 percent of our people bought one of those, we wouldn’t have to worry about deflation fears for 15 years.”
One reporter asked about the Administration’s position on the risk of significant INFLATION, if people just start irresponsibly sucking down more and more precious fuel, driving up oil imports, for no practical reason. The spokesman responded, “What…are you some sort of Economic expert? Where did you get your Business PhD from…Hamburger University? Show me some credentials, wise ass, or shut the frigg up. These guys on the Council have spent years, decades, thinking about this stuff. You nitwits have been thinking about it since lunch.”
Most reporters clammed-up, folded their notepads or ipads, and started to leave. But one reporter bellowed that he did have a doctorate from a Top 10 business school, and thought this analysis was the stupidest thing he ever heard. The spokesman responded, “Yeah, well you’re stupid,” and exited the briefing room.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.
January 6th, 2011 Posted 2:07 am
Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority. They have stated that it is a program that no one wants: businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan. If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?
“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied. “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed. These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors. They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.” He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance. These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.
“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter. “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”
“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied. “You gotta beef? Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie. No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders. That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless. After all, jobs are jobs.”
Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed. He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction. “Next step: We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs. The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more. Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”