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Archive for September, 2012

CEO’s using Obama spin playbook

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September 29th, 2012 Posted 5:01 pm

In recent weeks, several CEO’s of some of Bizarreville’s largest companies have been doing some serious spinning.  They have been impressed with Obama’s ability to take ostensibly horrendous actual results, and somehow spin them into positive-sounding messages to make himself look good.  More importantly, people are buying it all.  Some citizens have given him a total pass on leading the economy into the abyss with no plans to turn it around, and CEO’s are now taking interest in this magic act.  Faced with troubles of their own, the Chief Executive Officers have begun borrowing from the Obama playbook.

For instance, last week, Bill Smerk, CEO of Farknoodle Inc, reported to his company’s Board that the 4 years of earnings loss and cashflow drain with no plans/strategies to improve were the result of his predecessor’s screw-ups.  He said that he has been working hard to dig out of the mess, but had a long way to go.  When asked what major actions he was planning to do to stop the hemmoraging, he replied that his team was busy working on it, but had no good ideas yet.  Smerk said he could turn it around in 4 years, maybe less.

J. Milford Moon, CEO of Dungledoid Computers, reported to Industry analysts yesterday that the reason his company’s balance sheet went from stable to out-of-control was their decision to expand cafeterias in all of their plants and offices in order to provide employees with a good, hot meal.  He explained that many employees had spouses who also worked and were too tired to cook when they got home.  Dungledoid ran up $300 million in new debt, but was able to snare 3 contestants from the Top Chef TV show to join their team.

Benton Silva, CEO of Junkster Corp, in an interview on Shmork Factor, said that the huge losses in the last 12 quarters were certainly bad, but they could have been a lot worse.  Shmork asked him how they could possibly be worse than the average $1 billion per quarter of red ink which put Junkster on the brink of bankruptcy?  Silva said that he had formed a committee to investigate that very question, and they concluded that, yes, it could have been worse…but honestly, it could have been a whole lot better.  Retired ex-CEO William Junkster agreed, saying that it could have been worse…or better…or the same.

Dermot Skunkfit, the CEO of Skunkfit Apparel, decided to play golf when his firm was going through a liquidity crisis recently.  He told club friends that the pressure was too much, and he needed a break so that he could come back to work fully recharged.  Sources say that he lost a $1 Nassau during the match, which really aggravated him.

CEO Lamar Lunchberger said in a recent business magazine interview that his Quacko Company eventually plans to try and rehire their 8400 laid-off employees.  He explained that business conditions have been bad everywhere, but will eventually recover.  He said that they may need more people at Quacko at some point, but it may be a while.  Meanwhile, Quacko has allegedly hired 8400 contract temporary workers to fill the gap…many of whom are believed to be illegal aliens, according to unconfirmed sources.

The CEO’s have shown that they can be every bit as nimble as Mr. Obama when it comes to negative message spinning.  To hedge their bets, however, each CEO admitted confidentially that he had recently updated his resume.


Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you think must be true.