bizarreville

The new Trump Accounts that are being proposed to benefit newborn children are generally considered a brilliant benefit to get young people to take part in the American Wealth Creation experience.  The accounts will provide seed money to begin these accounts and encourage family members to add to these accounts as the child grows, and watch the value expand over the years.  But there has been some criticism from the Left about using the name “Trump” on these accounts.  They say that Trump’s name often brings unhappiness in low-income citizens… the very people who would benefit the most by the accounts.

One suggestion made by the Lefties from Minnesota is to call them Omar Accounts, named after the Somalian-born, nationalized woman who won a seat in Congress in 2016 from the heavy Somalian, socialist district of Minneapolis.  They say that Ilhan Omar is probably the savviest investor in the history of any person employed in government service, having increased her personal asset value from $250 thousand in 2023 to $30 million in 2024, a 119-fold increase in just one year.  What better way to show youngsters how to get rich in this country, even if you come from relatively modest beginnings.  It gives people a model and a heroine as they search for their own path to prosperity.

Unfortunately, this name change is unlikely to happen… mainly because she has opposed anything that comes out of the Trump Administration’s playbook.  Perhaps if and when Democrats get back in power, they can rename the accounts by Executive Order, and claim it was their idea in the first place.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, whether you like it or not.

Good news, Bizarreville Nation.  We have just published our latest book, and it is our best ever.  Charismatic introduces us to a clever, charming, charismatic, and slightly devious character who manages to get himself into a bit of trouble with the law, then hides out in Wine Country.  The story brings back several hilarious characters from Third Finger and  Recorked in the manhunt, but most of them get sidetracked by sampling some delicious cabernet sauvignon and pinot noir.  Charismatic is a fun read for wine lovers and crime lovers alike.  Order the book on Amazon by clicking on the book cover on the right. ——>

In order to strengthen his Anti-ICE position and his desire to keep Minnesota a sanctuary state for illegal immigrant criminals, Governor Walz had told federal authorities to “bring ’em all here.”  Walz has opened the Minnesota borders for all immigration agents throughout the country to round-up the sleazy criminals and deliver them to Minneapolis.  “Every one of those poor immigrants has value, whether it be supplying cheap dope or conniving schemes to shakedown government funds, that can be put to use for our citizens here,” Walz said.  “It’s part of our Minnesota Dream, to find ways to spread our something-for-nothing belief system, and also to keep our people high while we’re at it.”

Walz backers have cautioned him not to be so blatant when it comes to supporting illegal activities.  They warn that he could get thrown into prison for violating a number of statutes.  “Let them try,” Walz has responded.  “I’ve got thousands of Minnesota citizens who will support me… and thousands of paid professional agitators who will shield me, using hockey sticks to beat down any law enforcement thugs who try to haul me away.”

Meanwhile, truckloads of murderers, drug dealers, and armed robbers have begun showing up at Minneapolis City Hall.  The mayor has established an Express Lane for these thugs to get quickly processed and returned back on the streets where they can get back to their nefarious activity.  The new Minnesotans have promised to vote Democratic in future elections to compensate for this gift of freedom.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but it kinda makes you wonder.

Poor Governor Tim Walz.  He has been under tremendous pressure in recent weeks for failing to provide adequate oversight as his state was improperly distributing Medicaid/Welfare funds.  Hundreds of millions of dollars were found to be going to hokey fraudulent recipients while he was sleeping at the wheel.  Makes him look like a total moron, especially in the eyes of the people who put their trust in the guy when they voted for him for VP.  But Walz decided to take the offensive, by claiming that it’s all okay… because those frauds who grabbed the dough probably needed the money anyway.  So, the millions are all going to a good cause.

But this latest ICE issue has got him really perplexed.  His staff members have explained to him that they don’t want ICE in Minnesota.

“Yeah, I get it,” Governor Walz answered.  “The last thing we need in Minnesota in January is more ICE.  It’s cold enough here already.  If the Federal government really wants to help, they should send us parkas, heating pads, and electric blankets.  And, please send some gloves.  I can’t hardly sign any new spending bills now because my fingers are stiff from being so damn cold.  I’m halfway to frostbite in my right pinky.  Forget ICE, send gloves.”

One staff member tried to correct him and told him the problem was with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement people who are here.

“I understand their concern,” Walz replied.  “But let them get their own gloves.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Most of you already knew that.

The newly elected socialist mayor of Seattle has promised her citizens that she would tackle the food affordability problem in Seattle by building government-owned grocery stores.  She wants to make delicious foods available to society’s underbelly, so that they can dine like rich people, and enjoy filet mignon, lobster tails, and oysters Rockefeller instead of their usual cheeseburgers and potato salad.

“It’s all about leveling the scales and not penalizing people just because they don’t want to work hard for a living,” an Aide to the mayor-elect said, as he dished out lobster bisque at a local soup kitchen.

The campaign says that they will bring down the cost of choice rib-eyes to $1.00 per pound.  But the question remains, who will cover the difference in cost of about $20.00 per pound?

“The billionaires,” the Aide answered.  “They have been stepping on the backs of low-income people for too long.  And it’s high time they pay their fair share for all the society benefits they’ve accrued.”

“You mean multi-billionaires like Bill Gates?” a reporter asked.

“No, not him.  He’s a Democrat.  We don’t want to harm him.  Only people who voted for Trump.  Those people.”

“So, you’re letting the super-rich off the hook because they all converted to left-wing liberalism once they made all their billions in the conservative world of free enterprise?”

“That’s right.  They see the light now.  So, they get a free pass.”

“What happens if all the Conservative-leaning billionaires start moving out of Seattle.  Who’s going to pick up the tab then?”

“We may have to dip down to millionaires in that case.”

“And if the millionaires split and move to Texas?”

“There are many thousandaires who have been arrogantly throwing their weight around, acting all high and mighty just because they have jobs.”

There is a real risk that the government grocery store concept could totally collapse due to Economic Stupidity, resulting in severe food shortages that could cause starvation, malnutrition, and acid reflux.  But supporters say that if they run out of food, they can always go across the border to Idaho and grab some potatoes.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Some may never come true.

The Association of AI Bureaucrat Busters (AAIBB) has just published a study revealing that recent breakthroughs in Artificial Intelligence systems development now make it possible for companies to completely eliminate their HR departments.  Many leaders had been hoping that AI could allow significant productivity improvements which could lead to headcount thrifting actions.  But few realized that the new technology could quash what is typically regarded as the biggest annoyance in corporate management, the Human Resource Function.  Or should it be called the Human Resource Dysfunction?  It is widely held that HR adds zero net value to a corporation’s performance, and in many cases, actually creates negative value by virtue of its moronic systems, incomprehensible procedures, unfair biases, and total lack of intelligence.  Clearly, Artificial Intelligence can be an enticing substitute for Human Unintelligence in the eyes of most leaders.

Some argue that it will be nearly impossible to duplicate HR’s Performance Evaluation Systems, Benefits Administration Procedures, Diversity Oversight Schemes, Fair Handling Methodologies, and Career Advancement Mechanisms that have taken decades to fine tune and are now quite entrenched.  Millions of man-years have been spent in seminars in order to train facilitators with Play Acting Drills, Arctic Survival Tests, and Rope Courses to build solid HR skills.  “There is no way an AI computer can partake in a balance-board, trust-building exercise,” one HR Specialist from Fumblefunk Corporation argued.  “Let’s face it:  The machine would tumble over and would be unable to get itself up.”

But others believe that HR, with all of its stupid, needless, wheel-spinning bureaucracy, is a perfect application for AI.  “AI computers can undertake 1000 times as many worthless activities as a human,” an AI proponent suggests.  “and do those worthless activities 1000 times as fast.  It’s an ideal fit.”

One company, Dehuman Resources Inc., has developed an AI model to make the switchover to non-humans.  They claim to have over 400 active customers so far, with another 600 interested parties expressing interest in making the purge.  “Savings could be in the millions of dollars,” the CEO of DRI claims.  “Not so much by eliminating the HR people themselves, but by eliminating all the goofy crap that HR people have thrust onto all the other members of the company.  That’s the real payback.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in bizarreville are fiction.  Until enough people read the postings and start making the ideas real.

Chuck Schumer is thinking about putting aside the Loser Playbook that he’s been using as his Strategy Manual.  Turns out, it was co-written by the owners of the NY Giants and NY Jets with supplemental content from the Kamala campaign… people who really know how to lose.  Schumer had been thinking about getting out of politics and becoming a cannabis farmer, with a hundred windmills on the property to supplement his income.  But now he’s heard that young people are shying away from dope.  And windmills are turning out to be maintenance nightmares.

He may have to stay in politics and figure out some way to un-loser himself.  Won’t be easy.  His Aides tell him that he’s dug himself a pretty deep hole with his idiotic move to shut down the government.  Thousands of his staunchest supporters have been given pink slips.  And more pinks are on the way for those Democrats who snared cushy patronage jobs that have now been assessed as Non-Essential, Non-Useful, and Non-Sensible.  They blame Schumer for ruining their lives.  Schumer claims that it’s all Trump’s fault, but unfortunately they know he’s lying.  They know he’s always been a liar.  It was okay for him to be a liar when they all had good-paying jobs… not so okay now.

Looks like he’s stuck with being a Loser and will have trouble finding a real job when his term is up.  Maybe he could be a windmill mechanic.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction when originally published.  Some become true later.

With the City of New York wishing to move its political structure in the direction of Communism, with government control over property and business, the rest of the state of New York is scared of being sucked into this black hole.  Most of upstate New York has historically been more conservative/traditional in its belief system.  Unfortunately, however, the Upstaters’ voices have been drowned out by the bellyachers in the Big Apple… an apple that some say has a large worm in it… and have been unable to get a balanced set of laws and policies in the state because of the population bulge.  They don’t see things changing in the future unless something drastic is done.

The Upstate New Yorkers have suggested that the City consider spinning off into a 51st state, separate from the rest of New York state.  They could call themselves Marxylvania, in homage to Karl, or Groucho, or both.  By doing this separation, they would free themselves to elect their own dictator, reinstate Woke principles to drive out exceptionalism, and provide equally bad housing for all.

Citizens of New Jersey say that if the spinoff happens, the “New York” NFL football teams would no longer be permitted to use the Meadowlands facility… unless they change their names to the New Jersey Giants and New Jersey Jets.  Because both teams suck so badly, no one really seems to care one way or the other.  Perhaps, decades from now, that issue could become relevant.

Some centrist New York city dwellers are afraid that the change could result in bread lines.  But proponents of the change argue that the bread lines would actually be Bagel Lines, with a full variety of flavors and toppings.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Or are they?

Mayor Johnson of Chicago has taken plenty of criticism over his recent announcement that the Chicago professional sports teams in the 4 major categories (Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey) have elected to move out of the City due to the decades-long pathetic performance of all the local teams and the fans deciding to shun attending the games.  Another contributing factor has been the skyrocketing violent crime in the City, which has made fans fear to walk the streets in/around the parks.  The Mayor has refused to acknowledge that crime is a factor.  He said that his crime statistics show that violence is down, once they made some administrative adjustments to the numbers.  And, he said that all crime in the City is attributable to pissed-off fans, who are sick and tired of losing, and hate being ridiculed by people from New York, LA, San Francisco, and even Peoria.

“It’s now embarrassing to wear any kind of Chicago sports jersey in public,” one Chicago alderman stated, realizing that departure is probably the best option.  “People mock jersey wearers, often screaming, ‘You Suck.’  How do you argue with that?  All you can say is, ‘You make a good point.'”

Davenport Iowa says they’d be willing to take the Bulls.  They still remember the Jordan years which ended 27 years ago, when ownership decided to embark on a rebuild program.  “You could have built 12 Hoover Dams in that timeframe,” one disgruntled ex-fan snarled.

Frankfort Kentucky says they’ll take a look at the Blackhawks.  No one there knows anything about ice hockey, but you’ve got to start somewhere.  Kentucky does not have any teams in the 4 professional sports now.  They make good bourbon in Frankfort and are thinking they could serve it at the games.  That may ease the transition from the team’s current level of malpractice.

The Bears may go back to Decatur, Illinois, where the franchise originally started as the Decatur Staleys in 1919.  Staley seems like a good name to return to, if they continue to be befuddled on offense and defense, as expected.

Three cities have expressed a desire for the Cubs, but only if they can dismantle Wrigley Field and reconstruct it in their town.  Experts say that the vines may not survive, but the trough-style urinals should be able to make the trip unscathed.

No one wants the White Sox.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they seem pretty logical, right?

Bizarreville Nation:  we are happy to report that the next exciting satire novel has been released by Bizarreville Press.  It is called Come Looting With Me, and is a hilarious depiction of what can happen when liberal forces get a little too rambumctious about letting every crazy fringe group go wild in protesting every little thing.  And what can happen when governments allow vandalism and looting to accompany the so-called peaceful protests.  Trust me, it’s a fun read.  You can order the book very easily by just clicking on the book cover on the right, and it will take you directly to the Amazon site———————->

A new group has emerged who is providing a different perspective on the global environmental debate, particularly in regard to the growing amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.  The United Association of Trees has become very upset at measures trying to limit the amount of CO2 released, stating that these efforts to reduce CO2 are trying to strangulate our members, putting billions of trees and other botanicals at risk for survival.

A spokesman for the Trees reminds us that the trees have benefitted tremendously from the spewing of carbon dioxide from power plants, other factories, and automobiles in the past 50-plus years.  They particularly appreciate the huge growth in stinky diesel trucks, beloved by trees and plants of all shapes and sizes.  This windfall of CO2 has allowed trees, in particular, to reach record new heights and breadths, with tree leaves becoming greener than ever.

The Trees argue that there should be more emphasis put on the global oxygen footprint, which has exhibited a disturbing upward spiral nowadays.  They say that the escalation in humans planting more and more tree seedlings, improving irrigation practices, and implementing organic farming methods have contributed to this glut in oxygen.  The Trees warn that such a glut poses a long-term risk to their membership, and suggest humans consider allowing homeowners to resume burning leaves in their backyards, increase their use of fireplaces even when they are not needed for heat, and stop producing those darn electric cars.

Opponents point out that there is no way that the spokesman can actually communicate with actual trees, since trees cannot talk.  The Trees spokesman argues that the left-wing radicals who bellyache about CO2 footprint aren’t much better than trees when it comes to sensible talking.

Sour Grapes are being served at the Fumblina Ferris headquarters and the Liberal Party compound after the recent election.  Twelve different grape vendors have been summoned to provide the much needed sour grape selections.  Each supplier has diverse levels of sourness, pungentness, throat-burning heat, foul odor, and/or difficulty-to-swallow factor.  But some suppliers have been determined to have some “issues.”

The popular Blame Game Grapes Company has pointed out that the recent hospitalizations claiming grape food poisoning were not their fault.  They say that the incidents were caused from Old Man Grape Company switching grapes with them, substituting their old stale grapes from Blame Game’s fresh grapes in the supermarkets.  Blame Game says the Old Man’s were 81 years old, causing them to be worn out, stale, smelly, and undigestible.

The Economy Sour Grape Company grapes were determined to be excessively sour, almost like lemons, in spite of the company claiming they were actually borderline sweet.  The company execs were accused of being obnoxious, boldfaced liars… worse than a 36-handicap golfer at the 19th hole.

The Border Sour Grapes came from Mexico, and were washed in Montezuma Revenge water, that contained excessive levels of urine and fecal matter.  The company claimed the grapes were rewashed 17 times, but it turns out that no rewashing can eliminate the Montezuma factor that caused widespread GI problems in hundreds of communities.

Finally, the selections from the Disloyal Grape Company were disappointing because they were delivered in all kinds of different sizes, shapes, clone variety, and colors, with extraordinary levels of sourness and bitterness.  Most supporters want to punish Disloyal for producing such bizarre results, totally unexpected, totally unacceptable… almost like their people had a brain freeze or something.

Fortunately, there were sufficient Sour Grapes to go around, and put all the attendees into a sufficiently sour mood.  Many vow to stay in a sour mood for a long while, maybe even 4 years.  Grape companies have confirmed that they can provide the sour grapes to satisfy their sour needs forever, if necessary.