bizarreville

Establishment Democrats are sweating bullets following Bernie Sanders’ surprise landslide in Nevada.  They say that it was one thing for the self-proclaimed pinko Communist to stir up emotions in fringe liberal kooks… far another thing for him to be their actual, for-real party leader… who would take the country on the road to becoming another Cuba, or Venezuela, or Greece, albeit with better fast food joints.  His recent praising of the nutcase Fidel Castro drew even more concerns with the mental health of the guy, especially when he said he was considering growing a beard and buying one of those Fidel hats.

Bernie, who brings a rich personal history of laziness, loafiness, sponging-off others most of his life, has been an attractive candidate for the underbelly of American voters… literally a poster child of underachievement.  These citizens relish the ideas of free food, free dope, free health care, free college, free day-care, while not having to endure the hardship of working for a living.  Sanders has now brought many young people into the fold, who had majored in Aztec Music Theory, and now have been only able to find a job flipping fake-meat burgers to slowly pay off their student loans.  They also want the right to sing off-key chants at work, even if it bothers co-workers.

“It’s not fair that people with real jobs get off paying such low taxes, while the rest of us have to smell their exhaust,” one music theorist complained.  “We need a leader who will elevate our culture and glorify the music of the Aztecs, Incas, and even the oft-forgotten Eskimos, so that the rest of us can participate in the American dream.”

Meanwhile, Democrat insiders are worried that Bernie’s appeals to the Hobo Left may turn off some of the more normal Democrat voters.  Many of these normal people don’t want to lose their current health card program, and have it replaced with an incompetently-run government system with a Death-Squad determining what would or wouldn’t be covered.  Some young voters have countered that a Death Squad would, at least, create jobs… at the front-end and the back-end of the process.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and are probably less scary than the real stories.

Nancy Pelosi is continuing to feel heat from citizens for her disrespectful act of ripping up the copy of the President’s State of the Union speech in front of a national audience.  She claimed that the speech was full of lies.  When asked whether the President’s claims that the country is experiencing exemplary GDP growth, record low unemployment, across the board wage increases, major improvements in trade deals, a spike in capital investment by companies that brought jobs back into the country, and skyrocketing 70% growth in people’s 401K retirement accounts were all “a bunch of lies,” she responded that she was unfamiliar with that kind of detail.  She said she leaves financial mumbo-jumbo analysis jazz to her staff people…unfortunately, most of them were taking personal leaves of absence that week.  “I am certain, when they come back to work, that they will find some exaggerations in the stated figures.  After all, most of my staff took math in high school, so are pretty good with, you know, numbers and stuff.”

Some people wondered why all the Democrats in the State of the Union audience looked so glum, refused to applaud at the booming economy numbers, snarled at the prospect of an even-better 2020 outlook.  One Democrat attendee admitted that she was sternly instructed by her leadership to put on a piss-face, and make occasional howls and groans during the speech.  It was explained to her that a lot of people in the country still do not have health insurance.  When she mentioned that that’s probably because they have chosen not to buy it, her leader responded, no, it’s because people just hate the TrumpCare program.  A fellow Democrat poked the leader in the side and told her that there is no TrumpCare… it’s all still ObamaCare.

“Yeah, but if it was TrumpCare, it would be bad,” the Democratic leader responded.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they usually sound pretty real.

Elizabeth Warren, after devastating losses in the Iowa Caucus and the New Hampshire Primary, appears about ready to hang up her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President.  Her messages of increasing taxes on every person who has a savings account or a share of stock, providing health care for pet dogs, cats, and gerbils, adopting a forgive/forget program for terrorists and human traffickers, and closing all power plants in the country in order to reduce climate change were widely supported early in her campaign, but seem to have fallen on deaf ears lately.  On top of that, her “angry lady” style of communicating has prompted some former supporters to suggest that she try going on Valium for a while… or spend some time in Colorado and sample some of their new agricultural products.

Her tactics in New Hampshire were borderline crazy, saying on one hand that the Democrats should stop fighting with each other and find common ground to win the election… then on the other hand, producing a variety of ads attempting to decimate her opponents by pointing out their considerable weaknesses and shortcomings.

“If you’re going to point out weaknesses, you should go for the jugular, and start giving opponents harsh, ridiculously cruel, insensitive nicknames,” one Aide suggested.  “It has been proven that goofy nicknames create a lot of laughter, and laughter is the key to a winning strategy.  Look at the last election…say no more.”

It may be too late for Warren to make a dramatic tactical change and save her campaign.  But it is something to consider for a possible 2024 run.  And it is not too early to start that process now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they are still fun to imagine.

The poor Democrats are having a bad week so far.  The much-anticipated Iowa Caucus for the Democratic Presidential hopefuls fell apart in chaos on Monday when organizers were unable to total up results from the fractured, frenzied process.  Part of the problem was that, if a candidate did not achieve a threshold percentage in a given district, the candidate was labeled as “Not Viable.”  Turns out, none of the candidates, in fact, is really viable, and that caused their computerized tally system to discombobulate.  The leading candidates were heard saying, “I’m viable, I’m viable, I’m viable,” but by then, their system could not undo the chaos.  The Democratic candidates are now headed for New Hampshire, where they have agreed to have a big snowball fight to determine how the New Hampshire delegates are divvied up.

Meanwhile, the Democrats in Congress are looking particularly stupid as they fumbled their attempt at impeachment of the President using fake news, fake depositions, and fake data.  They were reportedly dumbfounded that the fake news approach did not work this time, considering it has been so successful in the past.  Dem leadership has vowed to find some new fake news and new fake witnesses to make another try later this year.  One way or the other, they feel, they say they can find something/anything to overturn the election.  Their constituents, many who admit to being proud ignoramuses, expect nothing less from their elected officials.

The Democratic candidates are hoping that the next impeachment run can happen before the nomination conventions in the summer, so that they can get the kind of chaos going that will be like the chaos in Iowa this week.  But they are not able to spend much time talking about it now, because they are busy gathering snowballs for their arsenal.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, just like the fake stuff in politics nowadays.

The Chairman of the American Conservative Union announced that Senator Mitt Romney will not be invited to the annual CPAC conservative conference this year.  His un-invitation came moments after Romney sided with all the Democrats in a key vote in the Trump Impeachment Hoax, regarding parading a new throng of witnesses to elongate this charade on the American public.  Fortunately, the vote rejected more witnesses, placing Romney in the difficult spot of looking like a total bozo.

Romney, who claims to be a Republican, has behaved more like a Democrat, even going back to his failed run for the Presidency in 2012.  Voters then were confused on his constant flip-flopping on issues, appearing to swing to whatever messages the particular audience was wanting to hear at the time.  His fuzzy positions of gun control, immigration, defense, and social issues made some characterize him as an Etch-a-Sketch politician.  The makers of Etch-a-Sketch said, “We know Etch-a-Sketches, Etch-a-Sketches are our friends.  He’s no Etch-a-Sketch.”

Meanwhile, as a designated bozo, Romney faces the prospect of not being able to sit with any fellow Senators at lunches, and being left off the lists for Washington cocktail parties.  A spokesman said that was okay, because he’s on a diet anyway.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and no one can prove otherwise.