bizarreville

The Presidential Insurance Company is offering a brand new policy to its clients and prospective customers, called the Universal No Fault Insurance Policy.  They expect hundreds of thousands of customers will sign up for this new creative offering, which they plan to offer at highly discounted rates for a limited time.

The policy will offer No Fault protection for any of the policyholder’s screwups, negligence, acts of willful omission, or knuckleheaded blunders…no matter who is truly to blame for the problem.  Even if the holder messes up really bad, Presidential will make him/her whole, either with monetary payouts or valid certificates of blamelessness.  Most compensation instruments will be of this latter form:  a signed, stamped, and notarized “Get Out of Blame” sheepskin which the holder can frame on a wall or keep secure with important papers in a lock box.  Presidential says that it can fax or FedEx the Blameless documents within 12 to 24 hours, but can also offer a bonefide certified Blameless text message immediately if the holder secures a Smartphone App.

For a slight additional cost, the policy holder can designate a universal blamee, who would then be the recipient of all blame, no matter whether he/she was involved or even knowledgable of any of the blaming event elements.  Some school children have asked if they could specify the Dog as a universal blamee for things like homework failures, food disappearances, or spots on the rug…the Insurance company has responded:  most definitely, yes.  The universal blamee option gives the holder a solid blamement alternative which in many cases may work better than the generic No Blame Whatsoever option, which can often leave the Accuser unsatisfied.

How does it all work?  Every event is entered into the Presidential computer, and a sophisticated algorithm connects the event with the univeral blamee, and designates an appropriately chosen cause/excuse.  It sounds difficult, but the program has been refined with artificial stupidity to make it function perfectly every time.  In the dog example, the computer software is loaded with a variety of doggie bodily functions to make the problematic event sound correct.  And remember, each excuse if professionally certified and authorized.

Presidential encourages customers to order quickly to receive the discounted rate.  Website readers can get an additional 10% discount by typing “Blame Bush” in the upper right corner box.  Order now.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as if you didn’t already know that.

The recently announced national unemployment number of 8.2 percent incited a new round of skeptics and pseudo-economists questioning the validity of the numbers.  Many are now thinking the numbers are being manipulated at high levels to produce the numbers they want to see, not a true reflection of the true state of employment.  Others say the numbers are just as trustworthy as the entity producing the numbers.

One conservative economic organization came out yesterday and said that the numbers are skewed because they now exclude people who have allegedly, out of prolonged frustration, stopped looking for work altogether.  These people who had been applying for one or two jobs every quarter, have now stopped applying, stopped wasting their time…time which could be better spent watching Newhart reruns, or playing with the dog.  The organization said that the true unemployment number would rise to 15% if they included those neuvo-slouches back in the mix.

Another organization has countered that if you started recounting these people, then you should also count people who currently have jobs, but don’t like their jobs, and are consequently virtually unemployed.  Many have been getting paychecks for doing next to nothing, while coworkers are having to pick up their slack, and often having to work overtime.  These coworkers should be counted as a person-and-a-half in the equation.  Similarly, people who work two jobs should be counted as two, and guys who deliver pizza on the side should get at least half-person additional credit.

The Citizens Against Illegal Aliens (CAIA) group has argued that the whole exercise is irrelevant.  They say that if the government stepped-up and took care of the illegal problem, there would be oodles of jobs available in yard work, odd jobs, freight handling, hotel maid, taxi cab, and ethnic food service sub-industries.  They acknowledge that most current unemployed people would not want to do the jobs in these sectors because the work is hard and the pay is too lousy.  But the jobs would be there if/when the government dole stopped and they got desperate.

Meanwhile, the administration said that the current unemployment figures are the best we have now, and are unwilling to make any formal changes to formulas.  The spokesman said that if reelected in November, they will promise to form a blue ribbon commission to examine the numbers, and recommend ways to make them look better so that everyone is not so bummed-out when the numbers are reported.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but you already figured that out.