bizarreville

Candidate Fumblina Ferris just can’t help it.  She is a congenital liar, has been a liar her whole life, and her bold lying is the primary driver that has launched and elevated her career.  Now, she is calling her opponent a fascist, murderous, dictator, like a combination of Hitler, Stalin, Henry VIII, Caligula, and Vlad the Impaler.  She has no facts, none whatsoever, that back up her claim that her opponent, Mr. Frump, has impaled a single political rival, or beheaded a nasty TV anchor-person.  Nevertheless, she continues to run her Fake News TV commercials.  The latest one includes an audio clip of Frump’s former chief of staff who was fired for being a total bozo.  In the clip, the man says he was once threatened by Frump who said he would cut off his genitalia if he ever embarrasses him again in front of a Boy Scout troop by claiming he once applied to be a Girl Scout.

Ferris has also lied about Frump’s policies by stating that he favors tax breaks for people who actually pay taxes, and tax increases for people who don’t pay any tax at all.  Frump has repeatedly said that he feels the whole tax system needs an enema and has never said he favors one group of tax evaders over another.

Ferris further claims that Frump’s tax enema would not even be covered by his proposed Health Insurance policy, which negates pre-existing conditions.  Again, Frump says it’s all a big lie, and he would make enemas available to all.

At a Town Hall meeting, Ms. Ferris claimed that Mr. Frump wants to take away your toilets and replace them with outhouses.  Of course, there has been zero corroborating evidence on this toilet/outhouse claim, but she kept pressing the issue with her small Town Hall audience.  At one point she even claimed that Frump is anti-TP and is a non-wiper, to the horror of the audience.  Another lie.

Fortunately, the election is happening soon, and all this nonsense will come to an end.  We will all soon go back to watching Insurance commercials on TV and figure out how to save 15% on our rates.

After her botched interview with Fox News, Candidate Ferris began to notice a physiological change in her lower body.  It appears that her unwillingness to answer the correspondent’s questions and rambling into an incoherent series of babbles caused a partial meltdown of bone and muscle.  Ferris’ handlers say that she will not grant any more interviews prior to the election for fear of losing torso content.

Critics say this event is reminiscent of the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West experienced a full meltdown when hit with a bucket of cold water.  Some of the interview questions were certainly comparable to a bucket of cold water for such a reluctant interviewee.  But Ferris supporters have become incensed by the comparison, arguing that she is not a wicked witch like AOC, and only wants to bring joy to the middle class by giving them a lot of handouts.  And they say she’s always had a fondness for Toto… the dog and the band.  She is even considering adding a Doggie Care subsidy into her economic program, and may even cancel all current scooping regulations.

Some pundits say that it will be difficult for Ferris to campaign, given her partial meltdown status, and the mess she makes wherever she goes.  Her supporters say that is okay… she can always retreat to her basement and campaign like Biden did in the 2020 election.  Most people agree that keeping her hidden and away from microphones is her best strategy moving forward.

Investigations have concluded on the recent flub-up of the Bizarreville Secret Service to properly protect Ronald Harump as he spoke at his political rally.  As you know, Mr. Harump was shot in the ear as he was campaigning to become the next Mayor.  The Secret Service agents assigned to protect Mr. Harump were busy playing euchre when the assailant popped Mr. Harump.  One agent said he would have been watching more closely, but he had just been dealt 2 jacks and lost concentration for a minute.  His captain has said that that could happen to anyone who looked at his hand after receiving 2 jacks.

Many Harump supporters are blaming Mayor Badoinker for taking a lackadaisical approach to protecting a candidate from a rival party.  They call for the firing of the Secret Service agency and replacing them with a secret service outfit that is more competent, and a company where people have at least a high school diploma.

“Why should we expect the Secret Service people to have a higher intelligence level than the people who they are protecting?” the Mayor snarked back, even though he knows that Harump has a couple college degrees and a track record of finagling and shmoozmanship.

The Mayor knows, however, that he will face considerable backlash.  After all, the shooter was wearing a green and orange jumpsuit, and a cowbell as he climbed on top of the nearby building, then was seen doing the macarena as he sauntered across the roof.  He was even using his assault rifle as a dance partner.  It gives the distinct impression that the Secret Service agents were under orders from the Mayor to ignore any threats stemming from left-wing jailbirds, anti-Harumpers, or bad dancers.

Candidate Harump is expected to fully recover from the shooting, although the top of his ear my remain malformed.  His staff is not concerned because Harump can always grow his hair longer and cover up the disfigured ear.  But Harump himself says he may just keep the injured ear apparent, so that citizens can see what the Mayor and his incompetent bozos did to him.  When Harump suggested he may put a sign on his back with an arrow pointing to the ear, and sarcastically saying, “Thanks for this, Mayor,” his staff advised that was a little over the top.

Here are a few open mic excerpts as Candidate Ferris practiced her rally speech during a recreational afternoon break:

“I never asked a murderer or a burglar who I was prosecuting as a District Attorney whether he was a Democrat or a Republican.  I only asked him if he was comfortable, needed a pillow, or a bottle of Fuji water while he was sitting in those hard chairs in the courtroom, wearing his itchy prison garb.  And I never asked an illegal alien climbing under a fence whether she was Democrat or Republican.  I only asked her if I could call her an Uber to take her to a nice hotel in Funkytown paid for by the government… maybe call Taco Bell to get her a couple chimichangas for the ride… hey, maybe even sneak her a pint of tequila out of my personal stash.  You see, that’s the difference between my opponent and me.  I want to show compassion, no matter who you are.  My opponent only shows compassion if you’re a billionaire golfer-type.  I mean, I like billionaires, too, but I usually go for the non-golfer types and treat them to an afternoon tea service and a game of croquet.  I try to keep the Press out of those meetings so that I maintain my image of mostly just supporting the dirt bags of society.  They’re the ones I’m going to give tax breaks to… even though they technically don’t pay any taxes.  May be tough to pull that off.  Perhaps just give them a free backyard croquet set and call it Even.”