bizarreville

Investigations have concluded on the recent flub-up of the Bizarreville Secret Service to properly protect Ronald Harump as he spoke at his political rally.  As you know, Mr. Harump was shot in the ear as he was campaigning to become the next Mayor.  The Secret Service agents assigned to protect Mr. Harump were busy playing euchre when the assailant popped Mr. Harump.  One agent said he would have been watching more closely, but he had just been dealt 2 jacks and lost concentration for a minute.  His captain has said that that could happen to anyone who looked at his hand after receiving 2 jacks.

Many Harump supporters are blaming Mayor Badoinker for taking a lackadaisical approach to protecting a candidate from a rival party.  They call for the firing of the Secret Service agency and replacing them with a secret service outfit that is more competent, and a company where people have at least a high school diploma.

“Why should we expect the Secret Service people to have a higher intelligence level than the people who they are protecting?” the Mayor snarked back, even though he knows that Harump has a couple college degrees and a track record of finagling and shmoozmanship.

The Mayor knows, however, that he will face considerable backlash.  After all, the shooter was wearing a green and orange jumpsuit, and a cowbell as he climbed on top of the nearby building, then was seen doing the macarena as he sauntered across the roof.  He was even using his assault rifle as a dance partner.  It gives the distinct impression that the Secret Service agents were under orders from the Mayor to ignore any threats stemming from left-wing jailbirds, anti-Harumpers, or bad dancers.

Candidate Harump is expected to fully recover from the shooting, although the top of his ear my remain malformed.  His staff is not concerned because Harump can always grow his hair longer and cover up the disfigured ear.  But Harump himself says he may just keep the injured ear apparent, so that citizens can see what the Mayor and his incompetent bozos did to him.  When Harump suggested he may put a sign on his back with an arrow pointing to the ear, and sarcastically saying, “Thanks for this, Mayor,” his staff advised that was a little over the top.

Here are a few open mic excerpts as Candidate Ferris practiced her rally speech during a recreational afternoon break:

“I never asked a murderer or a burglar who I was prosecuting as a District Attorney whether he was a Democrat or a Republican.  I only asked him if he was comfortable, needed a pillow, or a bottle of Fuji water while he was sitting in those hard chairs in the courtroom, wearing his itchy prison garb.  And I never asked an illegal alien climbing under a fence whether she was Democrat or Republican.  I only asked her if I could call her an Uber to take her to a nice hotel in Funkytown paid for by the government… maybe call Taco Bell to get her a couple chimichangas for the ride… hey, maybe even sneak her a pint of tequila out of my personal stash.  You see, that’s the difference between my opponent and me.  I want to show compassion, no matter who you are.  My opponent only shows compassion if you’re a billionaire golfer-type.  I mean, I like billionaires, too, but I usually go for the non-golfer types and treat them to an afternoon tea service and a game of croquet.  I try to keep the Press out of those meetings so that I maintain my image of mostly just supporting the dirt bags of society.  They’re the ones I’m going to give tax breaks to… even though they technically don’t pay any taxes.  May be tough to pull that off.  Perhaps just give them a free backyard croquet set and call it Even.”