October 11th, 2024
Secret Service Being Sanctioned
Investigations have concluded on the recent flub-up of the Bizarreville Secret Service to properly protect Ronald Harump as he spoke at his political rally. As you know, Mr. Harump was shot in the ear as he was campaigning to become the next Mayor. The Secret Service agents assigned to protect Mr. Harump were busy playing euchre when the assailant popped Mr. Harump. One agent said he would have been watching more closely, but he had just been dealt 2 jacks and lost concentration for a minute. His captain has said that that could happen to anyone who looked at his hand after receiving 2 jacks.
Many Harump supporters are blaming Mayor Badoinker for taking a lackadaisical approach to protecting a candidate from a rival party. They call for the firing of the Secret Service agency and replacing them with a secret service outfit that is more competent, and a company where people have at least a high school diploma.
“Why should we expect the Secret Service people to have a higher intelligence level than the people who they are protecting?” the Mayor snarked back, even though he knows that Harump has a couple college degrees and a track record of finagling and shmoozmanship.
The Mayor knows, however, that he will face considerable backlash. After all, the shooter was wearing a green and orange jumpsuit, and a cowbell as he climbed on top of the nearby building, then was seen doing the macarena as he sauntered across the roof. He was even using his assault rifle as a dance partner. It gives the distinct impression that the Secret Service agents were under orders from the Mayor to ignore any threats stemming from left-wing jailbirds, anti-Harumpers, or bad dancers.
Candidate Harump is expected to fully recover from the shooting, although the top of his ear my remain malformed. His staff is not concerned because Harump can always grow his hair longer and cover up the disfigured ear. But Harump himself says he may just keep the injured ear apparent, so that citizens can see what the Mayor and his incompetent bozos did to him. When Harump suggested he may put a sign on his back with an arrow pointing to the ear, and sarcastically saying, “Thanks for this, Mayor,” his staff advised that was a little over the top.
