bizarreville

In a surprise development, James Talarico appears to have surged to a polling lead in the U. S. Senate race in Texas.  Talarico is a left-wing Democrat in a state that is usually a bellwether of conservatism.  His strong support of legalizing marijuana, if elected, is believed to be a primary factor in gaining voter support… particularly among young people who love those gummies.

Talarico has also been a solid proponent for letting boys compete in girls’ sports.  “James has known many wimpy boys in his life who could never make a men’s varsity team,” a staff member for Talarico has stated.  “Allowing them to compete against girls is their only hope.  You’ve got to give them an opportunity.”

He would like to see an increase in taxes, pointing out that the top 10 percent of taxpayers only currently pay 76 percent of all income tax in the country.  He’d like these rich people to pay the full bill.  He likes the idea of a “free” government health program which he calls Medicare for Y’all.  He thinks using a little southern lingo in the program name will get it to slide through.  Opponents say he is being patronizing and condescending, and respond, “Bless your heart.”

During his brief stint in the Texas House of Representatives, Talarico was very active, sponsoring a bill that standardized school recess policy for all students and all schools in Texas.  He said that focusing on the education system was a valuable learning experience.  Kids loved him because they gained an average 3.7 minutes of recess per day.

Texas Republicans are scratching their heads to figure a way to stop this Talarico momentum, but they do not have nearly as many fringe groups to appeal to, and a fraction of the campaign funding.  It should be an interesting contest.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even political stories where truth is somewhat ambiguous.

We know that all of you have been anxiously awaiting the next hilarious novel from Bizarreville Press.  Here it is:  Put the Cheese in the Sock Drawer.  With a title like that, it’s got to be funny, right?  It’s all about a wise-cracking, sarcastic guy who is getting up there in age, and now is being challenged by a relative who claims he is losing some cognitive ability.  Our hero obviously believes that he is totally normal, and the relative just does not understand his whacky sense of humor.  But the relative is pressing to commit him into a senior residence home.  So the conflict is underway, and fun and hijinx are in store.

As always, it is easy to buy a copy of the book by clicking on the book cover in the right column which will take you directly to Amazon (——>).  Great gift, especially for sarcastic, wise-cracking old guys.

World Lib Cruises has announced its upcoming schedule of special voyages for customers who want more than the standard ports of calls to tropical islands with exotic beaches.  They see a new market developing for cruisers who want to experience first-hand the local cultures of progressive-thinking destinations which fit their new visions of Liberal World Order.  Climb aboard; they’re expecting you.

In the new itinerary, the first stop is North Korea.  The liberal-minded customers, upon arrival, dispose their western high-falutin clothing, and don potato sack fashions and go shoeless to begin the immersion.  They are immediately put on a strict diet of plain white rice and dog meat soup, which will help them lose up to 20 pounds of excess belly fat… chubbiness that is unbecoming in this environment.  Guests will bunk together in large tents with cots and scratchy blankets to help them lose that sense of capitalist privilege.  They’ll visit several towns that show unmistakenly that humans can survive without electricity, Pop Tarts, or Downey fabric softener.

The second stop is Cuba, another popular port of call for lib lovers.  Guests disembark in Havana and are shuttled downtown in a 1958 Chevy Bel Air, with plywood covering the rusted floor pans to preclude foot dragging.  People will stay in hotels that were once fabulous resorts in the pre-revolution 1950’s, but due to lack of government funding, have gotten no maintenance whatsoever since then, and have now become flop houses.  They attend lectures that decry the concept of fancy luxuries as being totally unnecessary to survival, and tend to create “keeping up with the Joneses” jealosies.  The lack of any personal property puts everyone on the same level, and eliminates the idea of bragging rights.  There’s no bragging here, believe me.

The final stop is San Francisco, California, where the local city government has decided to go all-in on Communism and Socialism.  A walking tour of the city features a stroll along the old Fisherman’s Wharf, where all the legendary, once thriving, seafood restaurants are closed and boarded up.  People feel safe, however, because the parking garages have machine gun-carrying security thugs to discourage carjacking.  Homeless scallywags blanket all the sidewalks with their makeshift tents and cardboard shanties, staying clear of the river of urine running down the block.  It shows that even in a Communist society, people can be free to live their life as they see fit.  Of course, this kind of thing would not be allowed in a place like Russia.

Libs who have taken these cruises come back energized that the Communist way of life is the future.  There is no need for fancy cars, angus burgers, wall-to-wall carpeting, or Veg-o-matics.  No need for a big flatscreen TV when an old-fashioned cathode ray tube TV will provide the same information to you.  Even a radio will suffice in most cases, because people don’t need to be exposed to too much information.

They can plainly see that millions of people are surviving in these socialist countries and cities.  In time, they get used to having nothing, and forget about the whole concept of having your own stuff, or your own digs.  And, most importantly, you get used to the serenity of not having to make your own decisions, take initiative, or work hard.  Get used to the idea of “Why Bother?”

Please note that photography with capitalist smart phones is not permitted on World Lib Cruises.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.

At the recent Senate Committee hearings, Dr. Anthony Fauci continuously invoked his 5th Amendment right to not answer any questions whatsoever about his involvement during the COVID pandemic crisis.  He, at the time, was the Chief Advocate of masking, double-masking, social distancing, school closures, church closures, quarantines, and panic spreading.  Every crisis needs a designated panic-spreader, and he happily stepped into the role, and performed it with flair.

There were many questions about how the coronavirus originated, which he refused to answer.  Will we ever find out if the horrible virus was created in the Wuhan lab, allegedly partly financed by Fauci and his team of schemers?  Probably not, now that the gag strategy has been successfully employed.

But how does this 5th Amendment invocation foretell about the ability to get necessary information in the future?  In the past, panic generators were held accountable for their misbehaviors and shenanigans.  Many inadvertently tripped over themselves, answered questions a bit too honestly, and ended up doing jail time, or at the very least, disgracing themselves forever in the public eye.  Often, they said they were sorry… sorry for saying anything in the first place.

But Fauci has tried a new tactic, a rope-a-dope approach, that sets a new precedent in trying to thwart efforts to get to the bottom of mischief-making.  He just kept repeating the 5th Amendment protection blurb.  When asked if the chair he was seated in during the Committee hearing was comfortable, he responded that he was advised by Counsel to use his 5th Amendment right to not answer for fear of incrimination.  Later, he said that there could have been slivers in the chair which could have caused him to perjure himself.

The bigger picture is that Fauci’s silence gives a path forward to anybody not agreeing to answer questions to any authority for any reason.  Why put yourself at risk whatsoever?  Why bother?  No upside, plenty of downside.  There could be some naive people who might say they just want to tell the truth.  But after imagining the badgering they’d get by the Congress people, they would probably rethink it.  In the meantime, insiders expect to hear a lot of that 5th Amendment bail-out blurb in the future.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones with a slight element of truth in them.

Many people in the country are wondering how our culture has eroded such that Socialists are winning elections in Democratic primaries and even some general elections in Blue states.  How can people not see that Socialism has failed wherever it’s been tried?  Have they not looked at the difference between South Korea and North Korea, clearly the most obvious comparison of how 2 different ideologies produce 2 vastly different outcomes?  What is wrong with these Democratic voters?

Of course, the answer is simple:  most Democrats have become dopey.  That’s right, they are dopes.  Total dopes.  Their brains have suffered meltdowns, and they are now incapable of any logical thought.  They believe any goofiness spewed upon them… mostly spewed by teachers.

How did this happen?  Some say that it all happened when they were young.  They were brought up drinking super-size Coca Cola’s, munching on artificially colored M&M’s, and chowing down unhealthy Ding Dongs.  They were given weekly allowances as kids but not required to do any work to earn that money.  They wet the bed and were not held accountable or forced to wear adolescent-size diapers.  Family doctors were not able to see these deteriorating effects on their physical/mental systems, and blew it off, saying, “It’s normal kid stuff.  Who’s the next patient in the waiting room?”  Their brains were soft when teachers laid the Socialist crap on them.

Eventually, these deranged kids became deranged voters.  They believed the tax-the-rich hokum.  They loved the free lunch programs and the government grocery stores.  They appreciated rent control programs that prevented “greedy” landlords from making any profit.  They cherished the idea of tax rebates for people who do not pay taxes.

Medical experts say that these Dopey Democrat Voters are beyond hope at this stage.  Their brains cannot be recouped because of the severe damage inflicted.  The only hope is to somehow stop the madness to proliferate in young people by firing Socialist teachers in schools and colleges.  Meanwhile, the additional hope is that existing Democrats are just too lazy to drag ass off the couch to vote on election day.

Republicans are planning to do a road show, showing sad pictures of North Korea, and even a few disgusting photos of the old East Germany.  This will demonstrate the vision of the future in the Democratic Socialist eyes.  Hopefully, it will convince the fence-sitters, who are only partially brain-dead, to stop being brainwashed with the caustic soda of Socialism.  Or at least show them an honest view of what they’re voting for.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case you are a Democrat who may not have already figured that out.

The sudden rise in citizens who are proponents of Communism has prompted the question:  How in the frick did that happen?  After all, most people in the U.S. have benefitted from the fruits of the free enterprise system, unless they’ve been lazy ignoramuses.  Why wouldn’t they just do the math, and realize how their blessings have come about?

The answer is simple:  Because they don’t know how to do math.  Yes, of course, they all learned basic arithmetic in elementary school.  But by the time they graduated college, they managed to unlearn all that math stuff.  Most of that unlearning was drilled into them by Communist-sympathizing professors in liberal colleges.  These professors started by telling their students that History was all a bunch of lies, then said the Moon Landing was faked, and M&M’s were good for you.  The professors claimed that Math was developed by a bunch of elite Ponzi-schemers in order to exploit the intellectually-shortchanged masses.  They grouched that so-called free enterprise is only free to the schemers.

The professors are now teaching that Communism, on the other hand, is the most fair system, because it allows equal distribution of benefits, no matter how hard-working or lazy you are.  It does not give initiative-takers an upper hand just because some guy has a great idea, and another guy is idea-vacant.  Communism understands that many people need lots of dope to muddle through their days, which can zap their energies, ambitions, and gung-ho.  It recognizes that some people are just plain stupid, and you can’t fix stupid.  Why make all the underachievers feel bad?

They point out that Communism certainly does not allow corporations to profit on the backs of its poor customers, suckered into buying stuff because of all the enticing commercials on TV.  They say that’s the fallacy of capitalism… always huckstering innocent people into buying stuff they don’t need.  Who needs a fancy Ronco nose-hair trimmer when a pair of ordinary scissors will do the job just fine?  Who needs to see a happy family enjoying dinner at Outback Steakhouse when a loaf of bread and a bowl of soup will satisfy their nutritional needs?  Why would anybody want to put a huge dollop of guacamole on a pile of meat?  It’s all propaganda.

When soft-minded students hear this barrage of examples describing the foibles of free enterprise from bald, multi-degreed professors with huge, oversized heads, they glom onto Communist ideology.   They feel enlightened that they now know something that their parents didn’t know.  And isn’t that every kid’s dream?

Some universities have started getting pressure from their Trustees and major donors to stop this Commie nonsense, and return to traditional college values like football, cheerleading, bonfires, and keg parties.  They want to get rid of professors who have never done any real work in their lives, and have only obtained knowledge from discussions with other similarly clueless professors and/or reading books written by Karl Marx and his goofy ilk.

Some professors are finally getting the message.  “It’s high time we adapt our teaching to sensible, proven ideologies,” one professor from a northeastern college was recently overheard saying to colleagues.  Unfortunately, that educator was then banished from the Teacher’s Lounge for the remainder of the semester.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.

Mayor Mamdani of New York has declared that a revolution is underway to move his city to full Communist ideology.  He has enlisted fellow Communists to run for US Congress and has successfully convinced the mind-numb citizens of New York City to vote for them, leading to wins in Democrat primaries.  “It may take some time to fully convince our comrades that we know the best path forward,” Mamdani said in a victory speech.  “But we are 110 percent committed to driving the revolution to victory over the greedy Free Enterprisers.”

Mamdani knows that free enterprise does not work for his constituency.  Free enterprise requires incredible amounts of effort, risk-taking, sacrifice, and individual initiative.  It only functions if there is a built-in work ethic engrained in the people.  This won’t work for New York City dwellers.  Mamdani knows that most New Yorkers far prefer the easy path to life, consisting of government-provided freebies, handouts, and giveaways.  The easy track works especially well for people who have had a string of nights smoking dope, popping gummies, and/or pouring down cheap hooch.  You must remember that the enormous numbers of New York deadbeat fathers, who left momma in the lurch years ago, prefer to shoot hoops than work for a living at a boring job.  Mamdani promises free hoops for all, with metal chain nets on every basketball goal at every playground in the City.

The other big group of people who will support the Communist revolution are the young people.  Young people, who have mostly grown up fatherless in New York City, have no clue on what to do with their lives in the old system.  They know they need someone to look after them, cradle to grave, to tell them what to do, and always be there when they repeatedly fail due to lack of ambition, lack of direction, lack of energy.  Mamdani says he can provide that guiding light, saying that it’s much better getting advice from him rather than some street pimp.

The problem is, however, that many experts have explained to Mamdani that Communism has failed to work wherever it has been tried.  It oppresses people under a dictatorship, eliminating freedoms, and preventing people from realizing any sense of pride or potential in their lives.  “Yeah, but they’ll be getting free groceries in my system,” Mamdani explains.  “And everyone can appreciate free groceries.  Just ask them.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that seem so real.

The new Trump Accounts that are being proposed to benefit newborn children are generally considered a brilliant benefit to get young people to take part in the American Wealth Creation experience.  The accounts will provide seed money to begin these accounts and encourage family members to add to these accounts as the child grows, and watch the value expand over the years.  But there has been some criticism from the Left about using the name “Trump” on these accounts.  They say that Trump’s name often brings unhappiness in low-income citizens… the very people who would benefit the most by the accounts.

One suggestion made by the Lefties from Minnesota is to call them Omar Accounts, named after the Somalian-born, nationalized woman who won a seat in Congress in 2016 from the heavy Somalian, socialist district of Minneapolis.  They say that Ilhan Omar is probably the savviest investor in the history of any person employed in government service, having increased her personal asset value from $250 thousand in 2023 to $30 million in 2024, a 119-fold increase in just one year.  What better way to show youngsters how to get rich in this country, even if you come from relatively modest beginnings.  It gives people a model and a heroine as they search for their own path to prosperity.

Unfortunately, this name change is unlikely to happen… mainly because she has opposed anything that comes out of the Trump Administration’s playbook.  Perhaps if and when Democrats get back in power, they can rename the accounts by Executive Order, and claim it was their idea in the first place.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, whether you like it or not.

Good news, Bizarreville Nation.  We have just published our latest book, and it is our best ever.  Charismatic introduces us to a clever, charming, charismatic, and slightly devious character who manages to get himself into a bit of trouble with the law, then hides out in Wine Country.  The story brings back several hilarious characters from Third Finger and  Recorked in the manhunt, but most of them get sidetracked by sampling some delicious cabernet sauvignon and pinot noir.  Charismatic is a fun read for wine lovers and crime lovers alike.  Order the book on Amazon by clicking on the book cover on the right. ——>

In order to strengthen his Anti-ICE position and his desire to keep Minnesota a sanctuary state for illegal immigrant criminals, Governor Walz had told federal authorities to “bring ’em all here.”  Walz has opened the Minnesota borders for all immigration agents throughout the country to round-up the sleazy criminals and deliver them to Minneapolis.  “Every one of those poor immigrants has value, whether it be supplying cheap dope or conniving schemes to shakedown government funds, that can be put to use for our citizens here,” Walz said.  “It’s part of our Minnesota Dream, to find ways to spread our something-for-nothing belief system, and also to keep our people high while we’re at it.”

Walz backers have cautioned him not to be so blatant when it comes to supporting illegal activities.  They warn that he could get thrown into prison for violating a number of statutes.  “Let them try,” Walz has responded.  “I’ve got thousands of Minnesota citizens who will support me… and thousands of paid professional agitators who will shield me, using hockey sticks to beat down any law enforcement thugs who try to haul me away.”

Meanwhile, truckloads of murderers, drug dealers, and armed robbers have begun showing up at Minneapolis City Hall.  The mayor has established an Express Lane for these thugs to get quickly processed and returned back on the streets where they can get back to their nefarious activity.  The new Minnesotans have promised to vote Democratic in future elections to compensate for this gift of freedom.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but it kinda makes you wonder.

Poor Governor Tim Walz.  He has been under tremendous pressure in recent weeks for failing to provide adequate oversight as his state was improperly distributing Medicaid/Welfare funds.  Hundreds of millions of dollars were found to be going to hokey fraudulent recipients while he was sleeping at the wheel.  Makes him look like a total moron, especially in the eyes of the people who put their trust in the guy when they voted for him for VP.  But Walz decided to take the offensive, by claiming that it’s all okay… because those frauds who grabbed the dough probably needed the money anyway.  So, the millions are all going to a good cause.

But this latest ICE issue has got him really perplexed.  His staff members have explained to him that they don’t want ICE in Minnesota.

“Yeah, I get it,” Governor Walz answered.  “The last thing we need in Minnesota in January is more ICE.  It’s cold enough here already.  If the Federal government really wants to help, they should send us parkas, heating pads, and electric blankets.  And, please send some gloves.  I can’t hardly sign any new spending bills now because my fingers are stiff from being so damn cold.  I’m halfway to frostbite in my right pinky.  Forget ICE, send gloves.”

One staff member tried to correct him and told him the problem was with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement people who are here.

“I understand their concern,” Walz replied.  “But let them get their own gloves.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Most of you already knew that.

The newly elected socialist mayor of Seattle has promised her citizens that she would tackle the food affordability problem in Seattle by building government-owned grocery stores.  She wants to make delicious foods available to society’s underbelly, so that they can dine like rich people, and enjoy filet mignon, lobster tails, and oysters Rockefeller instead of their usual cheeseburgers and potato salad.

“It’s all about leveling the scales and not penalizing people just because they don’t want to work hard for a living,” an Aide to the mayor-elect said, as he dished out lobster bisque at a local soup kitchen.

The campaign says that they will bring down the cost of choice rib-eyes to $1.00 per pound.  But the question remains, who will cover the difference in cost of about $20.00 per pound?

“The billionaires,” the Aide answered.  “They have been stepping on the backs of low-income people for too long.  And it’s high time they pay their fair share for all the society benefits they’ve accrued.”

“You mean multi-billionaires like Bill Gates?” a reporter asked.

“No, not him.  He’s a Democrat.  We don’t want to harm him.  Only people who voted for Trump.  Those people.”

“So, you’re letting the super-rich off the hook because they all converted to left-wing liberalism once they made all their billions in the conservative world of free enterprise?”

“That’s right.  They see the light now.  So, they get a free pass.”

“What happens if all the Conservative-leaning billionaires start moving out of Seattle.  Who’s going to pick up the tab then?”

“We may have to dip down to millionaires in that case.”

“And if the millionaires split and move to Texas?”

“There are many thousandaires who have been arrogantly throwing their weight around, acting all high and mighty just because they have jobs.”

There is a real risk that the government grocery store concept could totally collapse due to Economic Stupidity, resulting in severe food shortages that could cause starvation, malnutrition, and acid reflux.  But supporters say that if they run out of food, they can always go across the border to Idaho and grab some potatoes.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Some may never come true.