bizarreville

Many people in the country are wondering how our culture has eroded such that Socialists are winning elections in Democratic primaries and even some general elections in Blue states.  How can people not see that Socialism has failed wherever it’s been tried?  Have they not looked at the difference between South Korea and North Korea, clearly the most obvious comparison of how 2 different ideologies produce 2 vastly different outcomes?  What is wrong with these Democratic voters?

Of course, the answer is simple:  most Democrats have become dopey.  That’s right, they are dopes.  Total dopes.  Their brains have suffered meltdowns, and they are now incapable of any logical thought.  They believe any goofiness spewed upon them… mostly spewed by teachers.

How did this happen?  Some say that it all happened when they were young.  They were brought up drinking super-size Coca Cola’s, munching on artificially colored M&M’s, and chowing down unhealthy Ding Dongs.  They were given weekly allowances as kids but not required to do any work to earn that money.  They wet the bed and were not held accountable or forced to wear adolescent-size diapers.  Family doctors were not able to see these deteriorating effects on their physical/mental systems, and blew it off, saying, “It’s normal kid stuff.  Who’s the next patient in the waiting room?”  Their brains were soft when teachers laid the Socialist crap on them.

Eventually, these deranged kids became deranged voters.  They believed the tax-the-rich hokum.  They loved the free lunch programs and the government grocery stores.  They appreciated rent control programs that prevented “greedy” landlords from making any profit.  They cherished the idea of tax rebates for people who do not pay taxes.

Medical experts say that these Dopey Democrat Voters are beyond hope at this stage.  Their brains cannot be recouped because of the severe damage inflicted.  The only hope is to somehow stop the madness to proliferate in young people by firing Socialist teachers in schools and colleges.  Meanwhile, the additional hope is that existing Democrats are just too lazy to drag ass off the couch to vote on election day.

Republicans are planning to do a road show, showing sad pictures of North Korea, and even a few disgusting photos of the old East Germany.  This will demonstrate the vision of the future in the Democratic Socialist eyes.  Hopefully, it will convince the fence-sitters, who are only partially brain-dead, to stop being brainwashed with the caustic soda of Socialism.  Or at least show them an honest view of what they’re voting for.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in case you are a Democrat who may not have already figured that out.

The sudden rise in citizens who are proponents of Communism has prompted the question:  How in the frick did that happen?  After all, most people in the U.S. have benefitted from the fruits of the free enterprise system, unless they’ve been lazy ignoramuses.  Why wouldn’t they just do the math, and realize how their blessings have come about?

The answer is simple:  Because they don’t know how to do math.  Yes, of course, they all learned basic arithmetic in elementary school.  But by the time they graduated college, they managed to unlearn all that math stuff.  Most of that unlearning was drilled into them by Communist-sympathizing professors in liberal colleges.  These professors started by telling their students that History was all a bunch of lies, then said the Moon Landing was faked, and M&M’s were good for you.  The professors claimed that Math was developed by a bunch of elite Ponzi-schemers in order to exploit the intellectually-shortchanged masses.  They grouched that so-called free enterprise is only free to the schemers.

The professors are now teaching that Communism, on the other hand, is the most fair system, because it allows equal distribution of benefits, no matter how hard-working or lazy you are.  It does not give initiative-takers an upper hand just because some guy has a great idea, and another guy is idea-vacant.  Communism understands that many people need lots of dope to muddle through their days, which can zap their energies, ambitions, and gung-ho.  It recognizes that some people are just plain stupid, and you can’t fix stupid.  Why make all the underachievers feel bad?

They point out that Communism certainly does not allow corporations to profit on the backs of its poor customers, suckered into buying stuff because of all the enticing commercials on TV.  They say that’s the fallacy of capitalism… always huckstering innocent people into buying stuff they don’t need.  Who needs a fancy Ronco nose-hair trimmer when a pair of ordinary scissors will do the job just fine?  Who needs to see a happy family enjoying dinner at Outback Steakhouse when a loaf of bread and a bowl of soup will satisfy their nutritional needs?  Why would anybody want to put a huge dollop of guacamole on a pile of meat?  It’s all propaganda.

When soft-minded students hear this barrage of examples describing the foibles of free enterprise from bald, multi-degreed professors with huge, oversized heads, they glom onto Communist ideology.   They feel enlightened that they now know something that their parents didn’t know.  And isn’t that every kid’s dream?

Some universities have started getting pressure from their Trustees and major donors to stop this Commie nonsense, and return to traditional college values like football, cheerleading, bonfires, and keg parties.  They want to get rid of professors who have never done any real work in their lives, and have only obtained knowledge from discussions with other similarly clueless professors and/or reading books written by Karl Marx and his goofy ilk.

Some professors are finally getting the message.  “It’s high time we adapt our teaching to sensible, proven ideologies,” one professor from a northeastern college was recently overheard saying to colleagues.  Unfortunately, that educator was then banished from the Teacher’s Lounge for the remainder of the semester.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.

Mayor Mamdani of New York has declared that a revolution is underway to move his city to full Communist ideology.  He has enlisted fellow Communists to run for US Congress and has successfully convinced the mind-numb citizens of New York City to vote for them, leading to wins in Democrat primaries.  “It may take some time to fully convince our comrades that we know the best path forward,” Mamdani said in a victory speech.  “But we are 110 percent committed to driving the revolution to victory over the greedy Free Enterprisers.”

Mamdani knows that free enterprise does not work for his constituency.  Free enterprise requires incredible amounts of effort, risk-taking, sacrifice, and individual initiative.  It only functions if there is a built-in work ethic engrained in the people.  This won’t work for New York City dwellers.  Mamdani knows that most New Yorkers far prefer the easy path to life, consisting of government-provided freebies, handouts, and giveaways.  The easy track works especially well for people who have had a string of nights smoking dope, popping gummies, and/or pouring down cheap hooch.  You must remember that the enormous numbers of New York deadbeat fathers, who left momma in the lurch years ago, prefer to shoot hoops than work for a living at a boring job.  Mamdani promises free hoops for all, with metal chain nets on every basketball goal at every playground in the City.

The other big group of people who will support the Communist revolution are the young people.  Young people, who have mostly grown up fatherless in New York City, have no clue on what to do with their lives in the old system.  They know they need someone to look after them, cradle to grave, to tell them what to do, and always be there when they repeatedly fail due to lack of ambition, lack of direction, lack of energy.  Mamdani says he can provide that guiding light, saying that it’s much better getting advice from him rather than some street pimp.

The problem is, however, that many experts have explained to Mamdani that Communism has failed to work wherever it has been tried.  It oppresses people under a dictatorship, eliminating freedoms, and preventing people from realizing any sense of pride or potential in their lives.  “Yeah, but they’ll be getting free groceries in my system,” Mamdani explains.  “And everyone can appreciate free groceries.  Just ask them.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that seem so real.

The new Trump Accounts that are being proposed to benefit newborn children are generally considered a brilliant benefit to get young people to take part in the American Wealth Creation experience.  The accounts will provide seed money to begin these accounts and encourage family members to add to these accounts as the child grows, and watch the value expand over the years.  But there has been some criticism from the Left about using the name “Trump” on these accounts.  They say that Trump’s name often brings unhappiness in low-income citizens… the very people who would benefit the most by the accounts.

One suggestion made by the Lefties from Minnesota is to call them Omar Accounts, named after the Somalian-born, nationalized woman who won a seat in Congress in 2016 from the heavy Somalian, socialist district of Minneapolis.  They say that Ilhan Omar is probably the savviest investor in the history of any person employed in government service, having increased her personal asset value from $250 thousand in 2023 to $30 million in 2024, a 119-fold increase in just one year.  What better way to show youngsters how to get rich in this country, even if you come from relatively modest beginnings.  It gives people a model and a heroine as they search for their own path to prosperity.

Unfortunately, this name change is unlikely to happen… mainly because she has opposed anything that comes out of the Trump Administration’s playbook.  Perhaps if and when Democrats get back in power, they can rename the accounts by Executive Order, and claim it was their idea in the first place.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, whether you like it or not.

Good news, Bizarreville Nation.  We have just published our latest book, and it is our best ever.  Charismatic introduces us to a clever, charming, charismatic, and slightly devious character who manages to get himself into a bit of trouble with the law, then hides out in Wine Country.  The story brings back several hilarious characters from Third Finger and  Recorked in the manhunt, but most of them get sidetracked by sampling some delicious cabernet sauvignon and pinot noir.  Charismatic is a fun read for wine lovers and crime lovers alike.  Order the book on Amazon by clicking on the book cover on the right. ——>

In order to strengthen his Anti-ICE position and his desire to keep Minnesota a sanctuary state for illegal immigrant criminals, Governor Walz had told federal authorities to “bring ’em all here.”  Walz has opened the Minnesota borders for all immigration agents throughout the country to round-up the sleazy criminals and deliver them to Minneapolis.  “Every one of those poor immigrants has value, whether it be supplying cheap dope or conniving schemes to shakedown government funds, that can be put to use for our citizens here,” Walz said.  “It’s part of our Minnesota Dream, to find ways to spread our something-for-nothing belief system, and also to keep our people high while we’re at it.”

Walz backers have cautioned him not to be so blatant when it comes to supporting illegal activities.  They warn that he could get thrown into prison for violating a number of statutes.  “Let them try,” Walz has responded.  “I’ve got thousands of Minnesota citizens who will support me… and thousands of paid professional agitators who will shield me, using hockey sticks to beat down any law enforcement thugs who try to haul me away.”

Meanwhile, truckloads of murderers, drug dealers, and armed robbers have begun showing up at Minneapolis City Hall.  The mayor has established an Express Lane for these thugs to get quickly processed and returned back on the streets where they can get back to their nefarious activity.  The new Minnesotans have promised to vote Democratic in future elections to compensate for this gift of freedom.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but it kinda makes you wonder.

Poor Governor Tim Walz.  He has been under tremendous pressure in recent weeks for failing to provide adequate oversight as his state was improperly distributing Medicaid/Welfare funds.  Hundreds of millions of dollars were found to be going to hokey fraudulent recipients while he was sleeping at the wheel.  Makes him look like a total moron, especially in the eyes of the people who put their trust in the guy when they voted for him for VP.  But Walz decided to take the offensive, by claiming that it’s all okay… because those frauds who grabbed the dough probably needed the money anyway.  So, the millions are all going to a good cause.

But this latest ICE issue has got him really perplexed.  His staff members have explained to him that they don’t want ICE in Minnesota.

“Yeah, I get it,” Governor Walz answered.  “The last thing we need in Minnesota in January is more ICE.  It’s cold enough here already.  If the Federal government really wants to help, they should send us parkas, heating pads, and electric blankets.  And, please send some gloves.  I can’t hardly sign any new spending bills now because my fingers are stiff from being so damn cold.  I’m halfway to frostbite in my right pinky.  Forget ICE, send gloves.”

One staff member tried to correct him and told him the problem was with the Immigration and Customs Enforcement people who are here.

“I understand their concern,” Walz replied.  “But let them get their own gloves.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Most of you already knew that.

The newly elected socialist mayor of Seattle has promised her citizens that she would tackle the food affordability problem in Seattle by building government-owned grocery stores.  She wants to make delicious foods available to society’s underbelly, so that they can dine like rich people, and enjoy filet mignon, lobster tails, and oysters Rockefeller instead of their usual cheeseburgers and potato salad.

“It’s all about leveling the scales and not penalizing people just because they don’t want to work hard for a living,” an Aide to the mayor-elect said, as he dished out lobster bisque at a local soup kitchen.

The campaign says that they will bring down the cost of choice rib-eyes to $1.00 per pound.  But the question remains, who will cover the difference in cost of about $20.00 per pound?

“The billionaires,” the Aide answered.  “They have been stepping on the backs of low-income people for too long.  And it’s high time they pay their fair share for all the society benefits they’ve accrued.”

“You mean multi-billionaires like Bill Gates?” a reporter asked.

“No, not him.  He’s a Democrat.  We don’t want to harm him.  Only people who voted for Trump.  Those people.”

“So, you’re letting the super-rich off the hook because they all converted to left-wing liberalism once they made all their billions in the conservative world of free enterprise?”

“That’s right.  They see the light now.  So, they get a free pass.”

“What happens if all the Conservative-leaning billionaires start moving out of Seattle.  Who’s going to pick up the tab then?”

“We may have to dip down to millionaires in that case.”

“And if the millionaires split and move to Texas?”

“There are many thousandaires who have been arrogantly throwing their weight around, acting all high and mighty just because they have jobs.”

There is a real risk that the government grocery store concept could totally collapse due to Economic Stupidity, resulting in severe food shortages that could cause starvation, malnutrition, and acid reflux.  But supporters say that if they run out of food, they can always go across the border to Idaho and grab some potatoes.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Some may never come true.

The Association of AI Bureaucrat Busters (AAIBB) has just published a study revealing that recent breakthroughs in Artificial Intelligence systems development now make it possible for companies to completely eliminate their HR departments.  Many leaders had been hoping that AI could allow significant productivity improvements which could lead to headcount thrifting actions.  But few realized that the new technology could quash what is typically regarded as the biggest annoyance in corporate management, the Human Resource Function.  Or should it be called the Human Resource Dysfunction?  It is widely held that HR adds zero net value to a corporation’s performance, and in many cases, actually creates negative value by virtue of its moronic systems, incomprehensible procedures, unfair biases, and total lack of intelligence.  Clearly, Artificial Intelligence can be an enticing substitute for Human Unintelligence in the eyes of most leaders.

Some argue that it will be nearly impossible to duplicate HR’s Performance Evaluation Systems, Benefits Administration Procedures, Diversity Oversight Schemes, Fair Handling Methodologies, and Career Advancement Mechanisms that have taken decades to fine tune and are now quite entrenched.  Millions of man-years have been spent in seminars in order to train facilitators with Play Acting Drills, Arctic Survival Tests, and Rope Courses to build solid HR skills.  “There is no way an AI computer can partake in a balance-board, trust-building exercise,” one HR Specialist from Fumblefunk Corporation argued.  “Let’s face it:  The machine would tumble over and would be unable to get itself up.”

But others believe that HR, with all of its stupid, needless, wheel-spinning bureaucracy, is a perfect application for AI.  “AI computers can undertake 1000 times as many worthless activities as a human,” an AI proponent suggests.  “and do those worthless activities 1000 times as fast.  It’s an ideal fit.”

One company, Dehuman Resources Inc., has developed an AI model to make the switchover to non-humans.  They claim to have over 400 active customers so far, with another 600 interested parties expressing interest in making the purge.  “Savings could be in the millions of dollars,” the CEO of DRI claims.  “Not so much by eliminating the HR people themselves, but by eliminating all the goofy crap that HR people have thrust onto all the other members of the company.  That’s the real payback.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in bizarreville are fiction.  Until enough people read the postings and start making the ideas real.

Chuck Schumer is thinking about putting aside the Loser Playbook that he’s been using as his Strategy Manual.  Turns out, it was co-written by the owners of the NY Giants and NY Jets with supplemental content from the Kamala campaign… people who really know how to lose.  Schumer had been thinking about getting out of politics and becoming a cannabis farmer, with a hundred windmills on the property to supplement his income.  But now he’s heard that young people are shying away from dope.  And windmills are turning out to be maintenance nightmares.

He may have to stay in politics and figure out some way to un-loser himself.  Won’t be easy.  His Aides tell him that he’s dug himself a pretty deep hole with his idiotic move to shut down the government.  Thousands of his staunchest supporters have been given pink slips.  And more pinks are on the way for those Democrats who snared cushy patronage jobs that have now been assessed as Non-Essential, Non-Useful, and Non-Sensible.  They blame Schumer for ruining their lives.  Schumer claims that it’s all Trump’s fault, but unfortunately they know he’s lying.  They know he’s always been a liar.  It was okay for him to be a liar when they all had good-paying jobs… not so okay now.

Looks like he’s stuck with being a Loser and will have trouble finding a real job when his term is up.  Maybe he could be a windmill mechanic.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction when originally published.  Some become true later.

With the City of New York wishing to move its political structure in the direction of Communism, with government control over property and business, the rest of the state of New York is scared of being sucked into this black hole.  Most of upstate New York has historically been more conservative/traditional in its belief system.  Unfortunately, however, the Upstaters’ voices have been drowned out by the bellyachers in the Big Apple… an apple that some say has a large worm in it… and have been unable to get a balanced set of laws and policies in the state because of the population bulge.  They don’t see things changing in the future unless something drastic is done.

The Upstate New Yorkers have suggested that the City consider spinning off into a 51st state, separate from the rest of New York state.  They could call themselves Marxylvania, in homage to Karl, or Groucho, or both.  By doing this separation, they would free themselves to elect their own dictator, reinstate Woke principles to drive out exceptionalism, and provide equally bad housing for all.

Citizens of New Jersey say that if the spinoff happens, the “New York” NFL football teams would no longer be permitted to use the Meadowlands facility… unless they change their names to the New Jersey Giants and New Jersey Jets.  Because both teams suck so badly, no one really seems to care one way or the other.  Perhaps, decades from now, that issue could become relevant.

Some centrist New York city dwellers are afraid that the change could result in bread lines.  But proponents of the change argue that the bread lines would actually be Bagel Lines, with a full variety of flavors and toppings.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Or are they?

Mayor Johnson of Chicago has taken plenty of criticism over his recent announcement that the Chicago professional sports teams in the 4 major categories (Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey) have elected to move out of the City due to the decades-long pathetic performance of all the local teams and the fans deciding to shun attending the games.  Another contributing factor has been the skyrocketing violent crime in the City, which has made fans fear to walk the streets in/around the parks.  The Mayor has refused to acknowledge that crime is a factor.  He said that his crime statistics show that violence is down, once they made some administrative adjustments to the numbers.  And, he said that all crime in the City is attributable to pissed-off fans, who are sick and tired of losing, and hate being ridiculed by people from New York, LA, San Francisco, and even Peoria.

“It’s now embarrassing to wear any kind of Chicago sports jersey in public,” one Chicago alderman stated, realizing that departure is probably the best option.  “People mock jersey wearers, often screaming, ‘You Suck.’  How do you argue with that?  All you can say is, ‘You make a good point.'”

Davenport Iowa says they’d be willing to take the Bulls.  They still remember the Jordan years which ended 27 years ago, when ownership decided to embark on a rebuild program.  “You could have built 12 Hoover Dams in that timeframe,” one disgruntled ex-fan snarled.

Frankfort Kentucky says they’ll take a look at the Blackhawks.  No one there knows anything about ice hockey, but you’ve got to start somewhere.  Kentucky does not have any teams in the 4 professional sports now.  They make good bourbon in Frankfort and are thinking they could serve it at the games.  That may ease the transition from the team’s current level of malpractice.

The Bears may go back to Decatur, Illinois, where the franchise originally started as the Decatur Staleys in 1919.  Staley seems like a good name to return to, if they continue to be befuddled on offense and defense, as expected.

Three cities have expressed a desire for the Cubs, but only if they can dismantle Wrigley Field and reconstruct it in their town.  Experts say that the vines may not survive, but the trough-style urinals should be able to make the trip unscathed.

No one wants the White Sox.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they seem pretty logical, right?