bizarreville

The President, tired and confused from a busy week, talked today about his upcoming priorities to rein in Wall Street, and implement sweeping climate control legislation to address global warming, or global cooling, whatever it seems to be doing.  But in the course of getting ready for his speech, the teleprompter text got mixed up.  Somehow, the President’s lunch order for Chinese also got fumbled into the mix.  It all went something like this:

Friends, it has become apparent to me that a pressing national priority absolutely must be to put an end to the Wall Street mavericks who are spewing tons and tons of carbon dioxide, creating the greenhouse effect in our world.  On Earth Day, a day we celebrate the greenness of our hundred dollar bills, we can no longer merely accept a passive approach to burning cash and melting down coins just so the investment bankers and squirrelly speculators can eat General Tso chicken and pork fried rice.  It is their irresponsibility that inevitably created the economic crash that caused us to order the Cash for Clunkers program to reduce smog, and eliminate the odor that can come from sweet and sour sauce. 

So we will be taking firm steps to curtail coal-fired electrical power plants, and replace them with clean burning wontons.  There will be tax penalties that will have to be paid by these dirty industries, with proceeds going to help the poor homeless families who have been tossed out via foreclosures and/or failure to pay the delivery charge on their order.  But there will also be incentives for those people at Goldman Sachs and fuel-efficient bankers who continue to support our highest ideals, or at least continue to send me those fat campaign contribution checks (ha, ha).  But seriously, friends, our future, our kids’ futures, and the future of egg foo young are all at stake if we don’t insist on accountability for clean restrooms. 

Therefore, I am directing Congress to immediately pass these laws before our planet gets too warm and our egg-drop soup gets too cold.  It is time for us to act decisively, force all the greedy bankers to be quarantined at Three Mile Island, force all the polluters to eat sushi, and stop all the confusing rhetoric.  I am asking all the freedom-loving kooks who listen to talk radio or read the crazy stuff in blogs like “bizarreville” to cease and desist drinking green tea, and taste this new flavor of KoolAid that I just came across…tastes a little bit like sulfur dioxide.  And remember if we all just walk to our schools, stores, and workplaces we will save enough energy to buy a pu-pu platter.

Thank you, and have a good Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Driven by pleas from the Education Department, Bizarreville lawmakers just passed a new law requiring all couples who conceive and produce a baby to be married and stay married until the child (children) completes high school.  The controversial law was passed over objections from the Fornicators Rights Association (FRA) and the Deadbeat Dads United (DDU) groups who staged protests at the Capitol with thousands of naked guys chanting songs and carrying lude, exaggerated signs.

Hard empirical evidence had previously been presented at lawmaker hearings showing an indisputable correlation between SAT scores, placement in Advanced math/science classes, and dozens of other measures of education performance with whether or not the child had a father at home married to mom.  Furthermore, 90 percent of all ultra-numbskulls were found to have been born to unmarried women…most of these children eventually turning to a life of crime, as well as continuing their indiscriminate impregnation legacy. 

The Education Secretary had begged lawmakers for years to get off their dead keisters and do something about it.  The Secretary had asked numerous parties to provide support, and one major network chipped in with the broad-reaching TV campaign we have all seen, featuring Will the Weiner and his free-love exploits gone awry.

Spokesmen for the FRA and DDU say they plan to continue their naked protests until lawmakers start to listen, or it starts to get too cold outside.  The recent cold spell that hit the area forced protestors to light some small bonfires, but unfortunately these caused an outbreak of singed short hairs.

Meanwhile, however, all will have to comply with the law or face the surgical consequence specified in the law.  Lawmakers did say that these johnson-ectomies would be covered in the new Health Care reconciliation bill.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The President has had his whole staff dreaming up creative ways to raise taxes to pay for the myriad of new entitlement programs and chip away at the trillion-plus annual budget deficit.  He reportedly would like to find a way to do it so that the public ends up applauding him, rather than excoriating him, for yet another tax.  But how to raise a tax that would have any amount of public support?  One senior flunkie had an idea, and the President quickly embraced it.

The President will announce the new tax which will go into effect on April 1:  the Credit Card Solicitation and Junk Mail Reconciliation Act.  The new provision will place a $1.00 tax on every snail-mailed credit card offer, and the tax would have to be paid by the credit card companies by the 15th of every month.  Every “Low APR, no annual fee for the first year, reward point bonuses” Visa, Master Card, AmEx or any other mailed solicitation will be subject to the new Buck Junk tax.

As expected, the measure has received broad initial backing from citizens, the US Postal Service, and not surprisingly the garbage collector industry.  “We been busting our humps for the last 10 years with heavier and heavier loads per household,” said Mick McFunknose, president of the Collectors Union Local 69.  “Our back strain and knee strain injury rate has doubled during that period.  And it’s because of all that junk mail!  It has forced us to early-retire Collectors at 55, because they can’t physically handle the larger and larger containment units.  These are guys who would like to work the cans for another 5 to 7 years, but just can’t pull the load.  This new law could bring old Collectors out of retirement, and back on their cans.”

Industry analysts estimate the average citizen receives 100 credit card solicitations per year, which would generate about $30 billion in new revenues.  There would also be savings in the costs of waste disposal, hauling, and landfill tipping fees that would save additional money.

But the new law would go beyond credit cards, and extend the Buck Junk tax to all junk mail, including vacation promotions, real estate offers, college donation solicitations, garbagey coupon packs, club solicitations, time-share opportunities, frequent flyer promos, and most anything that gets immediately tossed.  Experts say this could generate another $40 to 50 billion in tax revenues.

One additional provision is to allow TeleMarketers to call potential customers, overturning the call-blocking laws that many states have instituted.  This had been a thorn in the side of the TeleMarketing industry for several years, and its overturn would be a great victory for them.  The only negative conceivably objectionable in the new law would be that they will have to pay 10 dollars to each person they call, each time they call, and another one dollar to the Federal government as a Buck Junk tax.  Administration officials see this as a small price to pay for reaching millions of new customers.

Even the Tea Party leadership has come out in favor of this one.   “In general, we are solidly against any/all new taxes levied on our over-taxed citizenry,” a Tea Party spokesman said.  “But, in this particular case, let’s tax the hell out of those friggin bastards.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that would be so nice if they were true.

Bizarreville enforcement authorities report that the practice of profiling Ugly people has now been approved as a sanctioned practice.  Authorities are, in fact, encouraging all patrols to begin profiling immediately to help mitigate the wave of inappropriate behavior by the uglies.  The public’s desire to adopt the new practice stems from a recently published study from Bizarreville College of Abnormality, which concluded that ugly people created more social problems than non-uglies over the past 5 years.

Criteria for what constitutes official ugliness include, but are not limited to:  scraggly beards, too much face-hardware, tatooville, pastel-colored hair, and general ‘beaten with an ugly stick’ appearance.  But it can also include people who wear ugly clothes with holes, rips, paisley patterns, obnoxious color mis-matches, or gross food stains.

The new profiling practice will allow law enforcement and other security authorities to randomly pull these people over for interrogation and/or investigating any inkling of suspicious behavior.  They can haul their ugly asses into the Station if there is any resistance, smart alec backtalk, finger gesturing, or any other lude bodily movements.

A stampede of critics have challenged this new practice as violating ugly people’s civil rights.  They have also pointed out that ugliness is too subjective, which will almost certainly lead to borderline ugly people being harassed and mis-characterized as true Uglies.  Other critics have asked whether obesity would be considered ugly, and have correctly pointed out that there are many cute fat people.  Still others have challenged whether wearing an ugly hat fits under the ugly clothes clause.  In general, critics feel that if this practice is to stick, there needs to be standards and a rating system of some sort…perhaps even a registration requirement.

Clearly there are many tough issues raised that will require resolution in upcoming weeks.  In the meantime, ugly people are encouraged to stay home unless necessary, or be on their best behavior when out on the streets of Bizarreville.

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path.  This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor.  It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look.  Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other  sanctions against reckless companies.  Puddle of water on the plant floor?  Willful violation, max penalty.  Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.”  A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past.  But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes.  When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger.  “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the  f*#!&  out of here.  It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach.  “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense.  No sir.  That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack.  A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news.  We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk.  Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China.  “They’ve been courting us for a couple years.  Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules.  20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway.  It’s like heaven, baby.  Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs.  Put that in your bong and smoke it.”

Bizarreville reporters are on the scene in Copenhagen covering news of a mob, roughly estimated at 100 thousand people, marching in protest at the Global Warming conference.  Marchers claim that the weeny-fied global leaders were not doing nearly enough to quell the trend in global warming that will doom our planet.

The frigid weather caused thousands of the disgruntlage to be hospitalized, mostly for frostbite, but some for hypothermia.  Many of the knucklehead-fringe spurned overcoats, and came out in tank tops and bermuda shorts for the benefit of the cameras…apparently to illustrate the parching effect of green house gases.  To further illustrate, they used some “sunburn red” colored spray-on tan goop to give them a Heat Stroke look.  Medical authorities said that this spray crap probably accelerated the onsite of frostbite.  It also seemed to mask the purpleness in their extremities, causing a few finger tips to crumble off.

Several protesters showed up with candles and torches, but the torch-bearers were malled by marchers.  Their torches were quickly commandeered to provide thawing for the iced keisters and frosty jamungas in the crowd.  This sparked-off riots, and police showed up in riot gear and tear gas canisters.  There were many complaints about the tear gas, but the police chief responded, “The tear gas canisters did not emit any greenhouse gas whatsoever when they went off.”

The Leader of the Global Warming protest movement took the stage later in the day to speak to his followers. 

” I am s-s-s-so h-h-happy that you all have j-j-j-joined this critical m-m-m-movement,” he said as his teeth chattered like a 1966 IBM Selectric typewriter.  “Lets-s-s-s not allow this gl-gl-global warm-m-m-ming trend to go unch-ch-ch-challenged.  Geez, does anyone have any friggin’ c-c-c-coffee around this place?  Get a flunky to run over to that S-S-Starbucks there and get me a Venti…make it two…chop, chop.”

Bizarreville leaders had been trying to push through sweeping environmental legislation for several months.  But they faced dwindling public support, fueled by a barrage of resistance and disgruntlement from the uncaring industrial community…mostly those mean, heartless SOB’s who supply all that disgusting electrical power.  They would moan and groan about the billions of dollars that would have to be spent on installing exotic control equipment which would drive up all kinds of costs to the consumer to solve a problem that, admittedly, no one cares about.  Waah, waah, waah.

The Bizarreville Leaders were fed up with all this cry-baby arguing, and decided to be preemptive, drawing swords in preparation for rattling.  They announced at a National Chamber of Commerce meeting that the business community damn well better support Cap and ‘Fraid legislation, or face severe consequences, “consequences so harsh you could never imagine.”

The crowd at the meeting got rowdy, demanding to know the specific details of the threat.  The administration representatives refused and refused, but finally the pressure became too great.  “If you fail to sign this piece of paper stating that you will support the Cap and ‘Fraid law, if you outright defiantly refuse to do this minor thing to support your environment and the environment of your kids and grandkids….then we will contact your Mother-in-laws.  We will get your mother-in-laws onboard to nag you to death until you sign a support affadavit.  That’s right.  Full court nag press:  why won’t you sign it, are you too good to sign it, is there something wrong with your brain, I don’t know why on earth my Emma ever married a bum like you, you should sign it, sign it right now, I think you have a drinking problem and that’s why you won’t sign it, you are such a pathetic loser, do you need some Viagra to get you to sign it…”

A cruel threat indeed….but one that appears to be effective.  Several business leaders have been arriving at the EPA office with soiled pants, and have knuckled under and signed on.  “Mean, just plain below-the-belt freaking mean,” commented the CEO of Belchnard Edison, as he scribbled an illegible signature.

Bizarreville is trying to quickly follow New Hampshire’s initiative – a government requirement to provide 6 paid sick days off per year for each and every employee on the payroll.  Government officials are not exactly making it a requirement to be sick 6 days/year, but admit that it would be “extremely helpful” if all people would contract some ailment to meet the specified quota.  “There are many ailments out there, but Flu would certainly be a suggested choice, and there are many, many places where it can be gotten.”  Officials are dissuading people from catching the Cold, because that is often considered too lame an excuse for taking a day off.

Shmelker Industries claimed that this was the stupidest idea since the dawn of the Industrial Revolution.  Historians, however, responded that this comment was inaccurate, and that there were considerably more ideas stupider than this one:  the Edsel, new Coke, Mr. Potato Head, to name a few.  Shmelker quipped they used to give lapel pins for perfect attendance but were now being mandated to give them to all who miss 6 days of work or less.  “Maybe we should call it Fair-To-Midlin Attendance, rather than Perfect Attendance?”  Unamused officials said, “No, six or less is perfect…don’t be a punk.”

Labor unions have been generally positive about the change but insisted that “overstress” also be considered a legitimate reason for taking a day, and that Doctor Bartender be authorized as a sanctioned treatment center.  Officials indicated that this would comply with the reg, but the employee would have to  get a signed slip from the bartender before returning to work.

Some opponents have argued that this is just another example of government control mania…wanting to take over more and more aspects of business and personal life oversight.  The government response to that: “What was that guy’s name, and where does he live?”

Shlumbucker Inc. said that this concept of paying for nothing is spreading to the other areas of their business.  A bearing supplier recently sent them a pallet of empty boxes, but still invoiced for full payment.  The situation was a bit embarrassing for execs at Derford Bearing Company, but they tried to lighten things up, “Guess those bearings were just sick that day and decided to stay home (ha, ha).”  Later, those execs checked into Bizarreville Hospital with minor contusions/lacerations to their ears from scraping on asphalt.

New from Quacker Oats – it’s Cap’n Trade cereal.  Much different than those old crispy, crunchy cereals that make so much racket and hurt your poor gums, Cap’n Trade offers you that soggy, mushy consistency that you’ve loved so much over the years.  Just add milk, and watch the morsels turn into a limp, pasty mush that you’re sure to enjoy.

It should be noted, as part of this announcement, that Quacker Oats is eliminating all of its other cereal brands…the sweet tastes, the fruity aromas, the crunchy textures.  All those offerings, honestly, were just not good for you.  So they’re gone.  Now Quacker offers 1 brand that’s good for you.  And you’re gonna like it…

Because it’s Healthy.  That’s right.  Quacker has spent years in product development to bring you Cap’n Trade, which offers things no other cereal company can boast.  One advantage is that it will reduce your you-know-what emissions by over 20%!  Imagine that…20 percent.  Cap’n Trade’s special formulation of oat bran, Gas-X, and sodium bicarbonate will make you feel like you just capped your keister.  Won’t that be nice…for you, your family members, and really the entire Globe when you add it all up.  That’s a lot of carbon emissions, if you know what I mean.

Plus, in every box, kids will find a free professional Soccer player trading card.  Everyone remembers what happened with Baseball trading cards over the years; old ones are worth a fortune now.  Imagine the fun as your kids save these valuable cards, trade them with their friends, while at the same time retaining a high-return investment for their college futures.  Slam dunk, money in the bank.

So pick up a box of Cap’n Trade cereal at your local grocer.  And proudly show your friends how darn smart you are by reducing “tail pipe” emissions, and investing smartly for the future.  We’re sure they will think you’re brilliant, simply brilliant.

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind.  Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything?   They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices.  In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly.  But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another.  “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn?  Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is.  How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works?  I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs??  Oh, please.  Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them.  It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on.  And the point is:  this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background.  “No.  That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school.  You need educated people?  Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background.  “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.”  The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler.  “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing.   Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it.  My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?” 

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal.  It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs.  It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax.  If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements.  If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons.  It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out.  Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options:  the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month.  Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In.  But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points.  But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday.  This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed.  Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway?  What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something?  We need to expunge that day for sure.”  Others chimed in,  “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest?  Who harvests anymore?  We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket.  I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves.  Yeah, that’s been good.”  Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants.  Stay tuned.

Bizarreville leaders have continued to look for new/better ways to prevent the rascally public from reading and learning about upcoming legislation.  It’s been a challenge.  In spite of their sophisticated efforts to keep it all under wraps, information somehow has kept leaking out of cracks and crevices, as sneaky as a dutch oven at midnight.

A while back, Leaders had a brainstorm…they would write the bills in a foreign language.  Brilliant?  Not so… unfortunately, stupidly, they managed to pick simple-to-translate languages like Bosnian, Czech, or Mandarin, and in nano-seconds the translations were readily available on the web.  They tried a variety of security schemes, including using paper that would start smoldering the minute it was exposed to fresh air…even faster if the air was stale.  Still, the Underground found out that a natural, organic yellowish fluid would quickly extinguish the fire, and were able to foil that attempt.

But now they truly believe they’ve got it.  One nerdly staffer, recently uncloseted, discovered a unique ancient strand of Egyptian hieroglyphics, and wrote the current “Cap and Hoopskirt” bill in this obscure signology.  So far, no one has been able to crack it.  It’s premature, but there are some pre-celebrations happening in the hallowed halls.

Leaders are happy and relieved that their hard work of concocting convoluted, self-grandizing, earmark-loaded slimy bills will not be subject to a lot of cry-baby, hand-wringing, mamby-pamby scrutiny.  They feel that the whole “light of day” mumbo-jumbo is, and always has been, overrated…plus it undermines the critically important process of back-scratching, butt-kissing quid pro quo which defines how things work in this town.

Special security has been arranged for the Nerdball who discovered the ancient hieroglyphics.  He has been disguised by dressing him in a polo shirt, khakis, and dock shoes, taking away his well-worn leather briefcase and giving him a Blackberry…no one will ever suspect.