January 7th, 2010
Profiling ugly people approved in Bizarreville
Bizarreville enforcement authorities report that the practice of profiling Ugly people has now been approved as a sanctioned practice. Authorities are, in fact, encouraging all patrols to begin profiling immediately to help mitigate the wave of inappropriate behavior by the uglies. The public’s desire to adopt the new practice stems from a recently published study from Bizarreville College of Abnormality, which concluded that ugly people created more social problems than non-uglies over the past 5 years.
Criteria for what constitutes official ugliness include, but are not limited to: scraggly beards, too much face-hardware, tatooville, pastel-colored hair, and general ‘beaten with an ugly stick’ appearance. But it can also include people who wear ugly clothes with holes, rips, paisley patterns, obnoxious color mis-matches, or gross food stains.
The new profiling practice will allow law enforcement and other security authorities to randomly pull these people over for interrogation and/or investigating any inkling of suspicious behavior. They can haul their ugly asses into the Station if there is any resistance, smart alec backtalk, finger gesturing, or any other lude bodily movements.
A stampede of critics have challenged this new practice as violating ugly people’s civil rights. They have also pointed out that ugliness is too subjective, which will almost certainly lead to borderline ugly people being harassed and mis-characterized as true Uglies. Other critics have asked whether obesity would be considered ugly, and have correctly pointed out that there are many cute fat people. Still others have challenged whether wearing an ugly hat fits under the ugly clothes clause. In general, critics feel that if this practice is to stick, there needs to be standards and a rating system of some sort…perhaps even a registration requirement.
Clearly there are many tough issues raised that will require resolution in upcoming weeks. In the meantime, ugly people are encouraged to stay home unless necessary, or be on their best behavior when out on the streets of Bizarreville.
