bizarreville

The Association of Punks, Thugs, and Hoodlums (APTH) has announced plans to file a discrimination lawsuit in the Bizarreville District Court.  For years, APTH has complained that they have been isolated from society, never considered an official “protected class”, and had to put up with disparaging joking from handicapped people, LGBT people, ethnic minorities, and others chiding them for their exclusionary status.  The joke has now gone too far, and APTH is going on the offensive.

The most recent incident that ignited the brouhaha was when 3 knife-wielding thugs got thrown out of Melford’s Bar for rabble-rousing, threatening customers, and failing to lift the seat on a family unisex restroom commode.  The bartender told them that they don’t serve punks like them, and promptly had the bouncers throw them out on their respective ears into the back alley.

“Punks like them?!?” a spokesman for APTH exclaimed.  “What does that nimrod bartender really mean when he says ‘Punks like them’?  What is he trying to say?  I’ll tell you what he’s trying to say.  He’s saying just because some booze pouring bozo does not like the look of a man’s knife sheath, or the colors of this tattoos all over his face, or maybe just his armpit smell…he thinks he has the right to discriminate.  Well, that should not and cannot be allowed to stand.”

During their interview, the 3 victims said that, in the past, they would have just started throwing chairs, overturned pool tables, tossed beer cans, and beat up a few arbitrary innocent patrons.  But that time has long since gone.  Now they prefer legal remedies.  One victim said he was going to hold-out for free drinks at that bar for a full year.  His thug buddy nudged him, and suggested he set his sights higher…three years…hell, why not four?

The owner of the bar said he was considering just converting the establishment into a sanctioned gay bar, where discrimination against all non-gays was perfectly acceptable and lawful.  He said he could no longer afford to pay for a lawyer who charges him $400 per hour, including the time he spends on his crapper, and needs to go to some kind of Plan B.

APTH attorneys agreed that Melford could employ the Gays Protection Law to keep his clients out of the bar…for now.  But he said that might be the next lawsuit in the works, where punks and bullies could once again be free to beat up anyone, no matter what their sexual orientation was.  Freedom is all they want.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

Bizarreville enforcement authorities report that the practice of profiling Ugly people has now been approved as a sanctioned practice.  Authorities are, in fact, encouraging all patrols to begin profiling immediately to help mitigate the wave of inappropriate behavior by the uglies.  The public’s desire to adopt the new practice stems from a recently published study from Bizarreville College of Abnormality, which concluded that ugly people created more social problems than non-uglies over the past 5 years.

Criteria for what constitutes official ugliness include, but are not limited to:  scraggly beards, too much face-hardware, tatooville, pastel-colored hair, and general ‘beaten with an ugly stick’ appearance.  But it can also include people who wear ugly clothes with holes, rips, paisley patterns, obnoxious color mis-matches, or gross food stains.

The new profiling practice will allow law enforcement and other security authorities to randomly pull these people over for interrogation and/or investigating any inkling of suspicious behavior.  They can haul their ugly asses into the Station if there is any resistance, smart alec backtalk, finger gesturing, or any other lude bodily movements.

A stampede of critics have challenged this new practice as violating ugly people’s civil rights.  They have also pointed out that ugliness is too subjective, which will almost certainly lead to borderline ugly people being harassed and mis-characterized as true Uglies.  Other critics have asked whether obesity would be considered ugly, and have correctly pointed out that there are many cute fat people.  Still others have challenged whether wearing an ugly hat fits under the ugly clothes clause.  In general, critics feel that if this practice is to stick, there needs to be standards and a rating system of some sort…perhaps even a registration requirement.

Clearly there are many tough issues raised that will require resolution in upcoming weeks.  In the meantime, ugly people are encouraged to stay home unless necessary, or be on their best behavior when out on the streets of Bizarreville.