bizarreville

A Look inside the book….

Chapter One.

The tyrant-wannabe must first understand that it is not as easy being tyrannical as you would think.  It takes time, persistence, a willingness to go that extra mile in demonstrating consistent nastiness in a new, exciting unpredictable ways.  Many potentially world-class tyrants have failed to reach the pinnacles because they became too predictable…particularly in the ways they mistreated and tormented their people.  Best practice has always been to gin up a new element of creepiness each and every day that is radically different from the creep show the day before.

It is important that the tyrant-in-training first decide which type of tyrant he/she wants to be:

1. Benevolent tyrant who claims to be taking total charge in order to help people, particularly those who have not been able to realize full happiness in their lives.  These people may have pursued happiness, only to discover that some jerk took it away.  The benevolent tyrant will promise leveling things out, and naturally break that promise on a regular basis.

2. Taskmaster tyrant who decides, by gosh, he’s got a job to do, and will get it done by shear force.  This tyrant believes he has a mandate from his adoring public to do whatever it takes, and feels he has total authority over his whole domain.  He will command his subjects to fulfill his wishes.  Head beatings may be necessary for slackers to his orders.

3. Ruthless tyrant who takes the taskmaster tyrant flavor one step further.  He normally discovers the root of all society problems is confined to certain people whose behavior is abhorant to him.  He spends most of his time trying to figure out ways to mum these people.

The irony in the tyrant choice decision is that it doesn’t really matter which flavor you choose.  All end up essentially behaving the same way in time.  But most successful tyrants prefer to look like #1, the benevolent tyrant, because it plays better in the press.  It allows the creation of an image of empathy, which is effective at tricking the gullible public into believing he will truly help them out of their situation.  Of course, by the time they realize that they just stepped into a bucket of s#!&t, it’s too late, baby.

Next, it is very important for the tyrant trainee to engage in Mirror time.  He must practice the various tyrant “looks”, with at least 6 reps of 20 minute look drills per day, especially in the early days of the tyranny.  He should practice the look of growling at flunkie interruptions, eyeball popouts during any staff disagreement, furled eyebrows at idiotic citizen comments, total disgust at any sort of bad news, rage at any insubordination, and generally a scowl as a default look.  Repeated practice will make these looks come natural to the tyrant when the situation arises, since often there will not be a mirror available when needed.

The tyrant will want to quickly begin to develop his own henchman security force, who will bust heads, bust chops to enforce your agenda.  It’s good to start early and create a probation program that will sort the true stars from the hench-talkers who talk a good game, but cannot truly clock a guy with one swift swipe.  Alignment training will be required, formerly known as brain-washing.  Brain-washing was never a very adequate term to use, since technically brains were never truly being washed in the detergent sense of the word.  In modern times, terms like visioning, developing common purpose, and execution are more politically correct terms to use to describe getting your henchmen’s priorities right.

In the next chapter, we will discuss other important early aspects of creating that tyranny that historians will talk about for millenia, including the importance of selecting the proper gold and/or gem-encrusted throne that speaks to your individual personality.

With the recent announcement that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring, there is a scramble to quickly develop a short-list of candidates for his replacement.  Stevens was most known for being the outspoken leader of the liberal wing of the Court.  He was nominated by President Ford in 1975, and at the time, appeared to be a constitutional conservative, but almost immediately did a quick 180 and changed his views on everything legal.  He changed his views on affirmative action, the death penalty, gun control, and at one point suggested just scrapping the Constitution and starting over.  “Man, I sure fooled those bozos,” said Stevens at the time.  “What a bunch of saps.”

A local county judge from Bizarreville has emerged as a potential replacement candidate, named Judge Mert Shlunk.  Mert also owns the Shlunk Auto Body Collision shop, which offers a guarantee to give any customer 5 pounds of coffee if they gripe that their repair job sucks.  In terms of background, Shlunk got his law degree from Stubitz Refrigerator College with a solid C-average, and a fairly good class attendance record.  He became a judge 13 years ago, and put on a brilliant campaign… which seemed somewhat irrelevant when it turned out no one else was running.  He has had no issues of personal infidelity staining his tenure on the bench, but quips that maybe he would have if he was better looking.

Shlunk is an enigma in terms of his political philosophy and leanings.  He attends church regularly, but doesn’t put anything into the offering basket.  He believes strongly in the Constitution, but admits that technically he’s never read it, cover to cover.  “Every time I go to the library, it’s checked out.”

Shlunk supports equal rights, and espouses expanding the rights of NASCAR fans, light beer drinkers, and Moms-with-bratty-kids segments of the population.  He believes that women have the right to choose, but thinks that mainly should apply to what to cook for dinner and which fabric softener to buy.  He is unsure of his stand on the constitutionality of income tax, indicating that particular issue may be in the part of the Constitution he hasn’t read yet.  He does not believe in gay marriage, but says he’s not so crazy about straight marriage either.

When asked about Roe vs. Wade, he said he normally prefers to stay inside the boat, and would generally prefer to pick up an oar if his fishing boat motor konks out.  “In fact, I have a pretty solid record on this issue,” Shlunk said.  “I really need to buy a new motor for that friggin boat.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Driven by pleas from the Education Department, Bizarreville lawmakers just passed a new law requiring all couples who conceive and produce a baby to be married and stay married until the child (children) completes high school.  The controversial law was passed over objections from the Fornicators Rights Association (FRA) and the Deadbeat Dads United (DDU) groups who staged protests at the Capitol with thousands of naked guys chanting songs and carrying lude, exaggerated signs.

Hard empirical evidence had previously been presented at lawmaker hearings showing an indisputable correlation between SAT scores, placement in Advanced math/science classes, and dozens of other measures of education performance with whether or not the child had a father at home married to mom.  Furthermore, 90 percent of all ultra-numbskulls were found to have been born to unmarried women…most of these children eventually turning to a life of crime, as well as continuing their indiscriminate impregnation legacy. 

The Education Secretary had begged lawmakers for years to get off their dead keisters and do something about it.  The Secretary had asked numerous parties to provide support, and one major network chipped in with the broad-reaching TV campaign we have all seen, featuring Will the Weiner and his free-love exploits gone awry.

Spokesmen for the FRA and DDU say they plan to continue their naked protests until lawmakers start to listen, or it starts to get too cold outside.  The recent cold spell that hit the area forced protestors to light some small bonfires, but unfortunately these caused an outbreak of singed short hairs.

Meanwhile, however, all will have to comply with the law or face the surgical consequence specified in the law.  Lawmakers did say that these johnson-ectomies would be covered in the new Health Care reconciliation bill.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The President has had his whole staff dreaming up creative ways to raise taxes to pay for the myriad of new entitlement programs and chip away at the trillion-plus annual budget deficit.  He reportedly would like to find a way to do it so that the public ends up applauding him, rather than excoriating him, for yet another tax.  But how to raise a tax that would have any amount of public support?  One senior flunkie had an idea, and the President quickly embraced it.

The President will announce the new tax which will go into effect on April 1:  the Credit Card Solicitation and Junk Mail Reconciliation Act.  The new provision will place a $1.00 tax on every snail-mailed credit card offer, and the tax would have to be paid by the credit card companies by the 15th of every month.  Every “Low APR, no annual fee for the first year, reward point bonuses” Visa, Master Card, AmEx or any other mailed solicitation will be subject to the new Buck Junk tax.

As expected, the measure has received broad initial backing from citizens, the US Postal Service, and not surprisingly the garbage collector industry.  “We been busting our humps for the last 10 years with heavier and heavier loads per household,” said Mick McFunknose, president of the Collectors Union Local 69.  “Our back strain and knee strain injury rate has doubled during that period.  And it’s because of all that junk mail!  It has forced us to early-retire Collectors at 55, because they can’t physically handle the larger and larger containment units.  These are guys who would like to work the cans for another 5 to 7 years, but just can’t pull the load.  This new law could bring old Collectors out of retirement, and back on their cans.”

Industry analysts estimate the average citizen receives 100 credit card solicitations per year, which would generate about $30 billion in new revenues.  There would also be savings in the costs of waste disposal, hauling, and landfill tipping fees that would save additional money.

But the new law would go beyond credit cards, and extend the Buck Junk tax to all junk mail, including vacation promotions, real estate offers, college donation solicitations, garbagey coupon packs, club solicitations, time-share opportunities, frequent flyer promos, and most anything that gets immediately tossed.  Experts say this could generate another $40 to 50 billion in tax revenues.

One additional provision is to allow TeleMarketers to call potential customers, overturning the call-blocking laws that many states have instituted.  This had been a thorn in the side of the TeleMarketing industry for several years, and its overturn would be a great victory for them.  The only negative conceivably objectionable in the new law would be that they will have to pay 10 dollars to each person they call, each time they call, and another one dollar to the Federal government as a Buck Junk tax.  Administration officials see this as a small price to pay for reaching millions of new customers.

Even the Tea Party leadership has come out in favor of this one.   “In general, we are solidly against any/all new taxes levied on our over-taxed citizenry,” a Tea Party spokesman said.  “But, in this particular case, let’s tax the hell out of those friggin bastards.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that would be so nice if they were true.

The fine folks at Whacko Jones Products Inc. have developed a new innovative product being pitched to Democratic congresspeople, many of whom are seriously hard of hearing.  It’s the Lib Congress Electronic Translator, which can be toted to rallies, town hall meetings, and campaign events.  The translator is a perfect companion to help a confused mind sort through those pesky citizen comments that invariably turn up at un-prestaged events.  It comes in a handy carrying case and can be set up in minutes.

The Translator works like this:  Anyone can talk into the microphone and make a statement, ask a question, agree or disagree on an issue.  The sophisticated electronic architecture uses Artificial Intelligence subroutines to interpret the statement, then utilizes a highly technical set of algorithms to draw from an enormous database to translate it into a comment/question that is more palatable to the Lib congressperson listener.  For example:

   The citizen comment is…               The Translator will spit out….

The artificial intelligence routine in the Translator was modeled after Harry Reid’s brain, a true wonder in terms of artificial intelligence.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were true.

Bizarreville officials proudly announced today that, after much toil and tribulation, they were able to secure some of the dribblings from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.  Bizarreville had received a small dose of funds last year, mostly used to upgrade the Port-a-pottys at Shlumplers Park… along with a training program for citizens on how to properly use them.  When asked what in the world does this have to do with improving the economy, officials said that it puts the money being paid for pay toilet usage back in the hands of ordinary citizens.  As a side benefit, it will also keep the homeless from pissing in the alleys, thus improving the environment, hygiene, and general smell of the downtown area.

But now, new funding has made it through the bureaucratic maze of government, and passed muster of the allocation wizards and earmark distributors.  The first project will be to refurbish the disgusting ghetto homes on the south side.  These homes are only 2 years old, but have been completely trashed and turned into crap by the inhabitants.  The refurbishing, this time, will utilize much sturdier materials that will extend the life between trashings, and/or make it much more difficult for the trashees to do their demolition.

Some money will be used to spray Ortho-crud in the weed-infested front yards of these decrepid homes, as well as splash some grass seeds around.  Money will be saved versus original estimates after it was discovered that the yards have ample pre-existing fertilizer.

A second project will provide 50 audible pedestrian crosswalk countdowns, aimed at people who have trouble understanding the “Don’t Walk” concept.  Some extra funding was approved to commission George Clooney to do the countdown voiceover, and issue curt instructions for the disobedient when detected by heat-sensing equipment (also paid for with Stimulus funds).  Most officials expect that pedestrians will ignore these audio reminders just like they ignore the regular signals, but overwhelmingly love the novelty element of it all.  “Hey, it’s not our money, anyway….it’s Stimulus money,” spouted an unnamed official.

Doctors across Bizarreville were surprised and shocked that the AMA came out in favor of Obamacare.  They asked how can this be true when 90% of doctors are totally opposed to this belligerent, radical takeover of the Health Care industry?  Many doctors are claiming they will retire when/if this nightmare comes true.  They are puzzled that the AMA somehow “doesn’t get it”, or has chosen to flip the bird to the people they represent.

The truth behind this story has been discovered.  Our investigative reporters have dug deep into the bowels of this issue, and found the facts.  Turns out, the members of the AMA Leadership Council were held up at gunpoint several weeks ago, while taking a casual stroll along the Potomac.  A masked man wearing an “Obama loves me” wife-beater shirt and smelling like a Liberal accosted them, threatening to take their $75 million funding away if they didn’t play ball.  One of the leaders became outraged and screamed ‘No way, Jose’….and he was promptly shot.  Luckily the assailant’s gun was a squirt gun, and he was shot with 12 ounces of horse piss.  But it ruined his suit, and the event was enough to terrorize the other wimpified AMA Leaders into blubbering a tacit acceptance of the gunman’s demands.

Even the sprayed doctor agreed to play ball after considering that the Obamacare thug might visit his personal home and spray his whole family, his Beemer, and his cigar humidor.  “You think it’s funny,” the sprayee cried.  “But let me tell you, that horse piss is nasty stuff and hard to wash off.  I can still smell it on that suit…had it dry cleaned twice and it still wreaks like formeldehyde or monofrodian moxolate….ugghhh!  Probably will have to give it to Goodwill.”

Many doctors across the land have pledged to drop their horse piss-tainted AMA membership in response to this weak-kneedness to stand up and fight for them.  “Hey, I’ll buy the doc a freaking suit,” one doctor yelled in anger.  When asked if he would be willing to buy the guy’s Beemer, however, he responded, “Probably not.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Wednesday

9:05 am:  Went through the metal detector at the WH.  Was told my boots were too filthy for the WH carpet. Had to go to the restroom to scrub them down.

9:25 am:  I said Hello to the Pork/Earmark Czar in the north hallway, but he just grunted back.  Guess if you’re a “Czar” you don’t have to talk to common people like me.  But now that I think of it, I do remember a little Russian history, and that was true of czars.

9:55 am:  Sprayed the Chief of Staff office.  He stayed on the phone at his desk, so I had to work around him.  I thought I heard a large rat near his closet.  But it turned out to be his Exec Assistant who was making a squeaky noise when he talked.  Man, that was an irritating sound.

10:13 am:  Checked the mouse traps in the cafeteria.  All the cheese was gone, but the traps had not engaged.  I’ll bet one of those punk interns grabbed the cheese yesterday as an afternoon snack.  Probably feels pretty clever that he did it without getting snapped…or maybe he did get snapped, and just reset it to avoid embarassment.

10:47 am:  Sprayed the johns.  All smelled pretty bad.  Who knows what these goofballs eat around here.  Maybe Mexican?  Probably get free meals, compliments of us taxpayers.  I’ll bet they all get free chips and salsa delivered to their office whenever they want it.

11:18 am:  Unable to get into the main meeting room.  These guys just seem to sit in meetings all day.  Sit and talk, talk and sit.  That ain’t work.  Then they leave the meeting to go to another meeting.  They call them briefings.  Does that mean they drop trou and sit around in their skivvys?  Why would they do that?  Seems kind of perverted to me.

12:07 pm:  Broke for lunch.  Ate my salami sandwich while these clowns down the hall are probably eating steak tar-tar.  Reminder:  need to throw out the rest of this loaf of bread.

1:00 pm:  Shot a few hoops at the WH basketball court…until some Secret Service guy told me to leave.  I told him I was just spraying in here.  He called me a liar, and started to call for backup.  So I just left.

2:13 pm:  Inadvertently bumped into some muckety muck in a freshly pressed designer suit while I was spraying the west corridor.  He accused me of getting “pestulant odor” on his suit, and he would have to have it dry cleaned.  I said I was sorry, and I didn’t smell any “pestulant odor” on him.  He just said, “yeah, easy for you to say,” and walked away.

3:00 pm:  Completed my rounds and started heading out.  You know, I could do any of these jobs here.  But things would be different if I was in charge.  First off there would no more meetings, period.  Then I would give the janitors and other service people a 20 percent raise, no make it 25.  I’d have the czars cleaning the toilets, and filling up my office humidor with fresh cigars every day.  Yeah, man, a lot different…..

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

To break the monotony of wraggling over bills, Congress has adopted a fun little internal game that they will be playing with themselves.  It’s called “I’m more bipartisan than you”.  Each congressperson will amass points between now and November whenever they do something that shows bipartisanship.  Of course the difficulty and excitement in the game is that no one there really knows what bipartisanship really means.  So it will be hilarious to see how they stumble and bumble trying to figure out how the points system works, and then conniving games on how to score points.

Now the rules of the game are as follows.  Every time a congressperson tells an opposing member “that’s a great idea”, he/she gets one point.  It can be recognizing a great idea on a landmark bill, or discovering a new way of washing his hands after going to the poddy.  It cannot be sarcasm (i.e. that’s a “great” idea), although the cleverest members may find ways to sneak some sarcasm into the dialog without the unclever, mind-numb opposing member even realizing it.

The congressperson will get 2 points if they have had a meaningful discussion with an opposing member to try to resolve a persnickety disagreement on a bill.  Points, however, will not be awarded if the person makes disparaging comments about his grandmother, makes inaccurate comments about certain body dimensions, or uses the F-word in describing what actions the opposing member can do with himself.

They will get 3 points if they actually find common ground with an opposing member.  Naturally, all feel that these points will be rarely given out.  It’s not even clear that most of these hardheads even know what common ground means, so it will be especially difficult for any of them to know it if they see it.  But points are theoretically available to the rare few who might take the time to probe and reconcile true desires of each side…or, more likely, the rare few who stumble upon common ground by sheer accident.

Finally, they will get 5 points if they actually come to a written bonefide agreement on an issue with an opposing member.  A panel will question both members to make certain that they really agree and are not just pretending to agree to get extra points.  Laughing or spit-takes during the panel questioning will put grave doubt on the authenticity of the agreement.  And if found to be faked, it will cause both players to lose 5 points, and furthermore, both members will be forced to listen to House floor speeches for 3 solid days in a row as additional punishment.

No points will be awarded for “compromise” agreements, where both sides feel like they lost in the deal.  Anyone caught compromising in this manner will be given a travelling stuffed toy duck that just quack, quack, quacks all day.  The Quacker will be required to be kept on the Quackee’s desk for the next 24 hours.

The winner of the “I’m more bipartisan than you” contest will receive an upgrade to his seat in the congressional chamber to a La-Z-Boy Sleepmaster XF…so that if he/she is going to be bored, at least it will be a comfortable boredom.  The seat has an optional vibration unit that can be energized when the House is set for a vote…or the unit can be switched off entirely to prevent sleep interruption.

The President, finally faced with having to deal with the unemployment situation after fiddling around for his first year in office, has decided to make a Heartland Bus Tour…which he has chosen to call the “Stop Being Greedy & Start Creating Jobs” tour.  He wanted to add the words “You Bastards” after Greedy, but staffers advised against it because children might not understand the dark humor of it all…to which the President responded, “What humor?”  He plans to load the First Family and his key Economic Advisory Council in a converted school bus, which he named ‘Air Shocks One’, and hit the road ASAP.

His first stop may be in Elkhart, Indiana, a favorite poster child of skyrocketing unemployment in the Midwest.  Elkhart, the RV capital of the world, will most certainly be taken to the woodshed, and chided for its heavy reliance on a single industry producing gas-guzzling behemoths into a highly-discretionary marketplace.  Insiders say that the President will suggest that, when times like this get tough, they should turn their RV manufacturing capacity into making Craftsman tool chests, gym lockers, or tool storage sheds…maybe even pole barns.  Flexibility, he will say, is the way to compete with the Chinese and other 3rd world nations in the future.

Another stop will be Elyria, Ohio.  The President knows he will need Ohio as a blue state, so may make several stops where unemployment is hovering around 11%.  Here’s where he will make his Stop Greed pitch.  He plans to cite Muckford, Inc. as an example of a company that got so greedy that they laid off some secretaries…secretaries who used to fill out 210-page environmental data forms each month.  Bottom line:  it ended up causing forms to come in with incorrect font size, page breaks in the wrong spots, and generally bad grammar and capitalization.  The government had to step in and shut the plant down for willful form violations.  The President will say that it is time to stop the wanton profiteering, and get back to the days when companies lost money proudly but kept people on the payroll until the bitter end.

The tour will make a trip to Detroit, even though the President had visited there recently…attending the annual Detroit North American Auto Show, and marveling at the new technological advances coming soon.  During that trip, the President planned to take a test drive in a Chrysler high-performance future concept car, but it konked out in the parking lot and spewed oil all over his Hart Schaffner Marx designer suit pants.  He was, however, able to see the special exhibit which showed how to close down a 2500-employee auto assembly plant and bulldoze it down to flat earth in less than 30 days.  Time lapse photography was used in creating the film, which attracted huge crowds, and prompted comments from the President, “Now that’s  American ingenuity and efficiency at work!”

They may also swing by Baltimore and revisit the Machine Shop where the President got an important photo op last week.  During that visit, the workers at the plant repeatedly asked him what he was planning to do about creating more good jobs, and when was it going to happen…but the President did a little lateral shuffle dance.  But he told the workers that they need to buckle down, and work harder and smarter if they want to compete long term.  Later, the shop foreman asked if he could show the President some new machinery, and have him grind some soft metal for the cameras…but the Secret Service quickly stepped in and said that might not be such a good idea.

When announcing plans for the Bus Tour, a reporter asked about his statement in the State of the Union speech where he promised $33 million tax credits to businesses in order to create job growth.  “Yes, I am in total support of these tax cr…cr…cred… carr…curr… a hommina, hommina, hommina… curr..curr… (cough, cough)…  curd…cuh… cuh…,” he stammered before a rescuing senior aide said, “Sir, I believe they all know what you mean.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The President met with Republican congresspeople last week to call them obstructionist idiots, whiney cry babies who need changed, and meatloaf lovers.  He raked them over the coals for several hours, while trying to jam down a turkey club sandwich during pauses in the action.

He then held out an olive branch of sorts and offered to have them participate in resolving the nation’s difficulties…as long as they keep their stupid ideas to themselves.  “I see you GOPs as people who can ask good, respectful questions, challenging the real leaders on our ideas,” said the President.  “You can also go get us coffee, and if you want to make a little extra money, perhaps shine our shoes.  You know, you guys can probably get 10 bucks a pair, plus tips…could haul down a helluva lot of dough…hey, I’d pay 20 skins for a first-class shoe shine myself.”

The President chided them that they better help pass Health Care, or he would sign an Executive Order cancelling Health Care for all registered Republicans in government service.  “Can he do that?” asked a junior congressman from Alabama.  “Hey if these guys can whip up shady sweetheart deals for labor unions, and connive shams for certain pesky senators without legal repercussions, I guess they can do ’bout anything,” responded a senior colleague.  The President told them that they had one week, no more, to get with the program…the cancellation order has been drafted and is sitting in his InBox.

Republican leaders reminded the President that they are in the super-minority, and were getting steamrollered by Democrats.  Previous attempts by GOP members to even suggest a change or two were met with spit takes that just got themselves and their staffers soaking wet.  “Nothing worse than getting splashed with coffee-laden drool from those germ-infested creeps…with all due respect, of course,” commented one congressman.

They also reminded him of the recent elections in Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Virginia with big GOP victories, suggesting that the President’s grand plans were fizzling with people.  But the President brushed that off, placing blame on himself for not communicating his message well enough with those citizens.  “There are some places in the country where people just don’t seem to listen well,” he said.  “Call it ADD, call it multi-tasking overload, call it thick skull syndrome.  But from now on, repetition, repetition, repetition…then when we think they’ve had enough, a repetition strudel for dessert.”

There was some confusion during the session when the President said, “I’m not an idea log,” which drew various snickers and cat-calls.  For some odd reason, the audience thought he said “ideologue”, which would have certainly been an outright lie given his strong Marxist beliefs and his oft stated ultra-liberal positions that the government should run just about everything.  But later he clarified, “I just don’t keep a chronology on every idea that comes my way.  I have high-paid flunkies that do that for me…and do it quite will, I might add.”

When all was over, the President mingled with the crowd and gave big bear hugs to his adversarial colleagues.  “Hey I still love ya’,” he said with a big smile.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

The Bizarreville Skunksprays football team finished once again in last place with a pitiful 0-16 record.  There will most certainly be plenty of handwringing and February quarterbacking about why their team is sub-dysfunctional and why their performance is litterbox-ready.

But after the last game of the year, Bill “Skinny” Skurff, the retired coach from Bizarreville High School, had the whole problem figured out.  “The Offensive team does NOT like the Defensive team, and vice versa,” he said.  “I mean, they really hate each other.”  The coach went on to say that their mutual dislike prevents each side from focusing on what’s important, and ultimately stymies the Skunksprays from coming together as a team to become successful.  “That, plus the players mostly suck.”

Video tapes of the seasons lowlights confirm that Skurff is right.  In one game, after an inadvertent fumble by a runningback deep in their own zone, you can see the Defense coming onto the field flipping the bird to the Offensive players.  Later, after the Offense drove 92 yards to score a touchdown, you can see the quarterback unloading the F-bomb on the Defensive line players resting on the bench.  Then later in the game, when the score was close and the game was on the line, both sides were engaged in some “kiss my ass” banter, which ultimately resulted in a crucial Delay-of-Game penalty that became their undoing.

In another game, video tapes show both sides mooning each other during a TV timeout, while the opposition team members just watched dumbfounded in amazement.  “What’s wrong with those idiots over there?” spouted the opposition quarterback, who later threw for seven touchdowns in an 81-3 win over the Sprays.

Coach Skurff said that if both sides could show more respect and truly work together to help each other, results would certainly improve.  But they first must come down off their high horses, remove boards from certain crevices, develop a little humility, and start thinking of themselves as ONE team, not two teams.  It’s called team bipartisanship… recognizing that Defense and Offense can be adversaries and see things differently…but can also find common ground.  Each side has different roles, different skills, different ideas how to win.  But acting as one team and all players executing their roles well, supported by coaches who build and bring people together could take them out of pathetic perrenial last place dwellers up to perhaps a solid “mediocre” level.  And who knows….get rid of a few no-talent scumbuckets, replace them with skilled, smart players who don’t deficate in their own pants…and it could be conceivable that the Skunksprays could break .500, maybe not likely, but possible.

It’s hard to teach an old Skunk new tricks, so miracles are not expected.  Bookies are giving short odds on another 0-16 season next year.