bizarreville

The new book has arrived, and is available at Amazon by clicking on the bizarreville button, or the bookcover on the right sidebar——–>

The Obamanation is a futurescape novel that imagines the country a few years from now led by the next generation of liberal-minded leaders who extinguish the dangerous NFL and replace it with a touch football league, who outlaw unhealthy French fries and Tootsie Rolls, find new ways to reward shirkers at the expense of workers, and drive manufacturing companies to relocate overseas…all done, of course, with appropriate doses of sarcasm, satire, and irreverence that you would expect from Bizarreville.

Get your copy now for yourself, for a friend, or an unfriend for that matter.  Hurry up before we all become Obamanons.

bo:  Mr. President, how can you live with yourself when you know all these citizens are losing their Health Care insurance?

BO:  You can ask that kind of question to anybody.  For example, how do you live with yourself after being so disrespectful and mean to the President?

bo:  Everyone hates the Health Care program.  It was a total screw-up of Biblical proportions.  Moses could not have dreamed up a plague on the Egyptians this bad.

BO:  Yeah, but it’s getting better.

bo:  Let’s turn to Benghazi.  Another total screw-up where no one is being held accountable for lives lost, sir.

BO:  Okay.  You made your point.  Tell you what…tomorrow I’m going to hold someone accountable for that mess-up:  the Secretary of State at the time.  What was her name again?  I’ll go ahead and dock her pay.

bo:  It’s higher than that.  It’s you.  You were told that this was a terrorist attack, and it took hours, too many hours, to get something going to protect your people, our people.  By then it was too late.

BO:  Yeah, I think I crashed early that night.  Had a few brewskis with a couple of your pundit buddies at Fox earlier that evening.  They are much more fun than you, by the way.  They had bigger morning hangovers than me, though, from what I heard.

bo:  And then, there is the whole immigration issue that seems to be going nowhere because nobody really cares about it.

BO:  Ask me if I care.

bo:  Do you care?

BO:  Sure.  Next question…

bo:  How about the Super Bowl.  Who are you favoring and why?

BO:  As President, I cannot say that I favor any one team over the other.  If I do, I get hate mail from the other side, and threats to never vote for my party again for the rest of their lives.  So…no football picks.  I will be rooting for Willard Shmelberg in the National Bowl-off Tournament.  He’s from DC.  Saw him juggle bowling balls at a Press Club dinner last year.  Amazing guy.

bo:  Thank you, Mr. President.  I can tell that our heart is in the right place.

BO:  Yeah, it’s right there in the middle of the chest.  I knew a guy who had his heart in his lower intestine area.  Didn’t have the rib cage for protection, but had about 15 layers of fat, so probably worked out to be about the same.  Creeped out doctors when they tried to use their stethoscope on him, and he started moving their hand down his frame.

bo:  Thank you…Cut.

Despite bi-partisan dissatisfaction, the President signed the new Truth in Lawmaking Act in a poppy garden ceremony yesterday.  The new law will require that legislators and other government officials be completely honest in development and communication of new laws, budgets, and other mischievious political dealings.  As expected, both parties issued scathing rebuttals, with threats that the Act could unravel the very framework of the legislative body.

The law had been initiated after a nationwide referendum.  87% of the public favored a truth in lawmaking rule; the other 13% turned out to be government employees.

The law will no longer allow congress to call a reduction in the amount of funding increase a “cut”.  A cut will have to be a cut, which is defined in the Act as an actual reduction versus current spending.  A “sizeable cut” will require a 15% real reduction or more.  A “huge cut” will require a 30% hacking.  A reduction in the amount of increase will hereafter be called a “smaller increase”.

Politicians will be forced to quit claiming job losses or job gains from sequesters or any other program.  A recent Bizarreville University study determined that all such claims suggesting there is a relationship between numbers of jobs and political actions of one type or other are “meritless poppycock”.  The study left open the possibility that there could, in the future, conceivably be a specific directed government program aimed at truly incentivizing an industry to build new manufacturing plants and create real, long-lasting jobs…but doubted it would ever happen, since it has never happened before.

The President pointed out that he has always supported the whole notion of truth and honesty.  An Aide had to pull him aside mid-speech, and tell him that he could no longer get away with that kind of comment any more.

States and local legislatures would be forced to comply with the new law, as well.  The concept of a temporary one-cent sales tax, used in the past purportedly to help build new schools and hire better teachers, but really used to line the pockets of cronies with ill-conceived new sidewalk programs, would be specifically prohibited.  The new Act states that any local lawmaker even suggesting such a program would be immediately impeached and forced to do 120 days of dog park cleanup duty.

The new law even extends to rogue Homeowner Association Boards who recklessly implement increases in annual dues, based on lies and deceptions.  Many such Boards were discovered to have hired inept association managers who were almost as bad as congresspeople in their lack of financial prudence, cost discipline, transparency, and character traits.  Some were found trying to jam through increases with fictional accounts of problems in order to fund their swelling budgets.  One manager, who was discovered trashing perfectly good flowers at the entrance gate in order to change-up the color scheme, threatened to leave the association and run for congress if any action was taken against her.

A spokesman for the Liberals decried the new law, stating that it infringed on the legislature’s “inalienable right” to massage facts, contort reality, and hide the fine print…so important to the lawmaking process.  He said that it would throw 200 years of history in the legislative commode, a commode that is already stopped-up with some big ones.

A Conservative spokesman said, “Ditto”.

A respresentative of the Homeowner Association Managers Union said they plan to continue to bend the truth regardless of the new law.  They claim that they are an independent governing body protected from intrusive federal regulation.  A network pundit, former judge, just laughed and said, “See you knuckleheads in Court.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite on any obvious similarities.

After the near 3-ring circus performance of the Presidential debate combatants, the Official Debate Commission is burning the midnight oil to determine how to restructure the format and ground rules to make the sessions moderately watchable.  Some citizens who sat in the studio audience of the recent debate suggested that the organizers start selling peanuts and marshmallows to audience spectators of this zoo, so they could toss them at the barking penguins on stage.  Penguin lovers objected to that characterization.

The debate modulators have been criticized for being totally inept nincompoops, applying second-grade level facilitation performance in stumbling their way through the hour and a half.  But both have responded that, in their defense, the 2 participants were not listening, were not behaving, were not showing a modicon of respect.  The modulators admitted, however, that they had forgotten that these guys were professional politicians, genetically unable to listen, behave, or show respect…and probably could not even read a clock, to boot.

Improvement suggestions for the last debate have included putting up red flags, trap doors, or electro-shocks to stop the mad debaters from running over their prescribed time limits.  One person suggested just shutting off their microphones in mid-blabbermouth when the clock read 0:00, and let them just mime the rest.  But both teams have objected to anything that quashes the ability for the candidate to finish making his lumbering freight train of thought.  One spokesman likened it to stopping a certain bodily function before full completion, an analogy which seemed to turn the stomachs of all reporters in ear range.

Another concern is the need to address the spews of obnoxious lies each candidate has told on each other.  TV networks had tried using a reporter to detect lies and point out real facts, but it turned out that these people were lying too.  Competing networks then tried to fact-check the reporters’ lies, but it turned out they were lying just as badly.  One Nobel prize winning journalist finally suggested that voters should just forget about truth, facts, policy concepts, or promises, and just focus on the quality of their neckties to decide how to vote in the election.   “You can’t lie about tie quality,” he said.  “It is what it is.  All the spinning in the world cannot cover up an ugly tie.”

A growing fear is the chance that there could be physical interaction between contestants as they heat up.  The idea of installing a plexiglas wall between them had been considered, but was rejected as being a bit un-cool.  A final idea, initially rejected by both camps but later grudgingly accepted, was to have a 3rd grade teacher sit down with them one hour before the match, and teach/scold them on behaving themselves.  Mrs. Farkright of Belfwood Elementary agreed to do it, and promised to have a yardstick handy in case it was needed.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, or so they say…

S:  …No sir, we can’t say that.  That would be an outright, obnoxious lie.  Even our best spinmasters could not make that seem like it has a shred of truth.  No sir, a lie.

O:  So, what’s your point?

S:  Point is…it wouldn’t be the truth.  Wouldn’t be right.

O:  Son, how long have you been in politics as an operative?  Two years?  Three years?  Did they forget to teach you The Art of Lying by A.Chin in school?  It’s politics, for heaven sake.  No one expects to hear the truth.  Now let’s talk about our Energy Independence program.  What’s our official line?  We’re drilling as much as we can drill.  Every drill bit in the hemisphere is running in an oil well operating at full capacity.  We need more electric cars.  And soon.

S:  But sir, electric cars consume energy, too.  Power points burn fossil fuel to make the electricity to power those cars.  And the conversion from fossil fuel to electric power, then to mechanical energy to power the vehicles is not all that efficient when all is said and done.  Sir, the use of gasoline in highly efficient engines is probably the most efficient energy conversion technology, in actuality.

O:  Who is this guy?  Nicola Tesla?  Jacob, where did you find this bird brain?

J:  He’s one of our brightest new hires.  Got his engineering degree from MIT when he was 14, then MBA from Harvard a year later.  Picked up an honorary doctorate from University of Phoenix…well, never mind that last item…still pretty smart young man…

S:  Sir, I think the public is ready for the truth.  This kind of shabby BS has fueled the birth of the Tea Party movement, and is stirring the cauldron for other factions to develop soon.

O:  Cauldron?  Who uses the word “cauldron” in normal speech?  Are you going to start throwing thee, thy, wilst, and fortnight on me?  Are you going to start playing one of those weird ancient little harp-like gizmos…what do they call those weird things?

S:  Lyre.

O:  What??  Are you calling me a liar?  Jacob, is this guy calling me a liar?  Is that the kind of respect you show the President?  Is it?

S: Sir, you just lectured me on the Art of Lying.  Now you’re offended by the term liar?  What kind of hypocrisy is that?  Wait a minute…I wasn’t even talking about a liar.  I was talking about a lyre.

O:  Are you calling me a hypocrite AND a liar?  Leon, would you step out and get the Secret Service guys in here?  This young man needs to spend a little time in the hoosegow.  Por favor, muchacho?

S:  Sir, if you would just give me a minute to explain…

O:  Leon, are you still here?  Are words coming out of my mouth?  Do I need to send you a text message to get you off your dead rump?  Andalay, andalay!

S:  Is this some new Hispanic initiative you’re working on now?  The Florida vote…is that what this is all about?  You know, my family came from Mexico and settled in south Florida.  I’ve got some ideas on how…

O:  Hold the phone, Leon.  Stop the music.  Maybe I was a bit too rash with my good friend here.  Let’s all take five, and cool our jets.  Can I offer you a margarita…what’s your name again?

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones authored by flies on the wall

Bizarreville will feature a series of economic lessons which will attempt to illustrate the principles of Obamanomics in order to better educate the public on how these elements will stir the economy to fast, sustainable growth for the short term and long term.  The first lesson is the Trickle-up theory.

First, we must debunk the preposterous trickle-down theory.  This flawed theory believed that tax benefits given to the high-end of the paying spectrum would incent these business leaders to invest the windfalls into expanding their businesses, creating more economic growth, new jobs, new research and development into product and service improvements.  Of course, as anyone can see, the truth is that the rich guys just squander the wealth on larger neo-xanadu’s, barns full of classic Oldsmobiles, ridiculous amounts of philanthropy that generate no wealth, 48-dollar aged steak entrees at their exclusive snooty clubs, and vacations at Bertha’s Vineyard.

A better theory is the Trickle-up theory.  This idea starts with giving big tax breaks to people who pay no tax.  Unquestionably, these dollars will immediately go into consumer spending for twinkies, bar tabs, Lotto tickets, premium brand cigarettes, Natty Lights, grazings at the golden corral troughs, and jaunts to ripoff casino boats…the foundations of sustainable economic growth.  But, more importantly, these immediate actions will then have ripple effects that will generate even higher economic activity:

– Increases in junk food consumption will generate rises in obesity, spurring escalated activity in weight-loss plans, and new clothing purchases as the old XL sizes no longer fit and must be replaced with 3XL.  Stretch pants that have gone beyond stretch limits will need to be discarded and upsized.

– Associated increases in medical treatment spending as heart disease, lung cancer, and diabetes rise.  Pharmaceutical R&D  spending will increase to find new cures for new epidemic-level ills and new surefire weight loss pills.

– Job growth, as the need for new cops rises to handle increasing drug trade, and WalMart fights between customers for that last flowery size 22 blouse or chintzy video game.

– Weapons and ammunition sales increases as people want additional personal protection from drug thugs and parking place stealers.

– Expanded garage sales, to redeploy newly outgrown clothing.

– Exciting upgrades to trailer homes, by purchase of new curtains, indoor/outdoor carpeting for living rooms, and cheesy landscape artwork for their simulated paneling walls…the latter spawning a new generation of low-end artists who previously had struggled getting real jobs due to lack of motivation and/or lack of desire to wake up early in the morning.

The new flurry of economic activity will prompt creation of new, innovative discount store concepts.  These new retailers will find new ways to merchandise bargain basement goods to a group seeking the ultimate discount on flimsy stuff they didn’t even know they needed.  Some discount chains may conceivably even add check-out cashiers to ease the mile-long check-out lines…although this is considered by many analysts to be wishful thinking.

The trickle-up theory is a more practical concept in that assumptions do not need to be made in terms of how the recipients will act on their new benefits.  The tricklers will spend them immediately, as their past practice has proven…no ifs, ands, maybes, or wait and sees.  Historical data has proven this behavior to be true:  that there will be no stash-aways into some future college fund, or rainy-day fund.  It will be spent, and spent quickly…and begin the leveraging effect of widespread economic activity that will produce jobs.  The trickle-up theory is one that more and more wise people are glomming onto, and represents a foundation of new progressive thought.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including economic lessons.

Reporter:  Sir, what would you say are some of your biggest accomplishments so far?

President:  Well….hmmmm….well we killed bin Laden.

Reporter:  That’s true.  Nice job.  Now what about the economy?  Unemployment is much higher than when you took office.  The dollar is as weak as my grammaw’s bicep, consumer confidence has gone from low to sub-pathetic, the stock market is on the verge of another collapsecution, deficit spending is like an ex-wife’s one last credit card binge.

President:  Yeah, but we killed bin Laden…boom, gone.

Reporter:  Great.  What about foreign policy?  Civil wars breaking out in Libya, the Mideast, many countries.   We are committing more and more troops with no real mission.  Greece, Italy, Spain ready to go to Dumpsterville.

President:  Okay.  But the world is safer without bin Laden.

Reporter:  Right.  Let’s get back to your reckless spending…so-called stimulus fiasco that had a profound anti-stimulus impact, irresponsible spending that appears to do nothing whatsoever to help the economy get well but seems to be helping your inner circle buddy system.  How do you respond to this utter failure that future generations will curse you for?

President:  I believe the stock market went up a couple points when we snuffed-out bin Laden.

Reporter:  Maybe.  But I was speaking of running up trillions in new deficits that can probably never be paid at the rate you’re going.  Debts that are incomprehensible to our citizens and the world community.

President: Will get better now that that nasty bin Laden is gone.  Did you see the pictures?  Yuck!!  It was either kill him or get him a makeover…wow.  Makeup, please…better wear gloves.  Yikes.

Reporter:  Yes, well when will it start getting better?  You’ve been in office 2.5 years, Mr. President and all you can say you accomplished is a poached bin Laden casserole.

President:  Why do you say “all”?  Bin Laden was a big deal.  And we got him.  Yes we did.  Boom, bang, right in the snoot.  Poof, gone, swimming with the fishes…glug, glug, glug.

Reporter:  Yes, sir.  How about job growth?  What are you planning to do to get jobs for people who are out of work, have been out of work, their factories closing down?

President:  There’d be a lot fewer jobs available if that bin Laden guy was still around.  A lot fewer.  He would have been bombing factories.  But don’t you worry.  We got him.  Factories are safe once again.  Yes…you’re welcome.

Reporter:  Simplifying the government?  Reforming a government that won’t bankrupt our kids and grandkids?  Putting lazies to work?  Any thought??

President:  Bin Laden, bin Laden, bin Laden.  Any more questions?  Thanks.  That’s a wrap.  I gotta take a whiz.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Plain and simple.

And hope that your ear’s full of wax.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Unrepentant Advertisement:  If you liked this, consider ordering Tales of Obamaland —>

Welcome to Presidential Idol.  Well, we’re down to 5 contestants who YOU have selected to become the next Presidential Idol.  Let’s get right to it.  First up to sing tonight for your votes is Barack Obama…

Will grab a hold of you…yeah.

Hold it, hold it, hold on, Dog (ha, ha, ha).  Listen, now I need to make this real, you know what I mean.  I’m not totally sure what KEY you were singing in…was that key even in the musical scale?  Whoa!  Think it was in the key of “J” or something.  Got a call from the Chairman of Karaoke International and he said Stay Away, Stay far far away, brother.  Anyway, even though you can’t hold a note, and the lyrics were askew from what the writer had written…despite all that…you know what?  I kinda liked it.  Yeah.  And you have a fan base out there, pretty good-sized fan base of tone-deaf groupies, that seem to love your quirky, pitchy, gravelly, off-beat kind of singing.  They lap it up like a pack of camels after a desert safari, dude.  So, guess what?  We’re putting you through to the next round.  Congratulations!!

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the simulated TV shows.

The President and his crack staff of spendaholics had made campaign promises to not come up with any new taxes.  But they still had the insatiable appetite to spend, spend, and spend a little more.  Like a 400-pound chowhound sitting behind a plate of savory double bacon cheeseburgers, the temptation was simply irresistable.  Yes, they would engorge themselves with those meaty burgers…but how would they pay the tab?  What sucker could they get to pick up the check?

The President had an idea….roll back old tax cuts.  Naturally that wouldn’t be a tax increase, per se.  It would just be the expiration of a tax decrease…in his mind, a totally acceptable loophole that could withstand the “depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is” kind of legal scrutiny.  Moreover, it would be an action that the President could undertake and have a complete illusion of a clear conscience.  After all, he had previously made speeches about the millions of job loss avoidances from his stimulus programs….this latest idea was certainly no more a truth-stretcher than that one.

So, they rolled back the Bush tax cuts, all of them:  the ones that benefited the filthy rich bastards, the ones that helped the semi-filthy middle class creeps, and the ones that gave a spark to the not-too-filthy lower incomers.  Oh, there was joy in the White House, and high-fives all around as the nasty tax cuts finally met their maker.

But then, Gilbert Shnoodle, senior adviser to the President, suggested they go ahead and roll back the Reagan tax cuts.  “Sure!” cried the staffers, “Why not?  Why not take a little more hide away from all those greedy SOB’s?”  So, they immediately passed legislation to cancel those old Reagan tax cuts, driving top marginal rates to 70 percent.  By this time, the martinis were flowing freely, and any inhibitions about being a  radical dirtbag flew out the window. 

Another staffer suggested:  “Why stop there?  There have been many Presidents who have cut taxes over the years.”  Before you knew it, they had rolled back the Nixon, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman, and Hoover tax cuts.  By the time it was over, the average tax rate was 62%, and the top marginal rate was 94%.  The staffers were so ecstatic, they went ahead and had a toga party.

There was some public bemoaning and bellyaching about this new radical tax policy.  But Administration officials insisted that the President completely abided by his promise of no new taxes…never said anything about unearthing some of the golden oldies.

All Stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem sorta real.

The Senate hearings for the newly appointed general started off very well, with the general spewing well-rehearsed answers to scripted questions.  Naturally, he was extensively questioned about B.O., the B.O. incident, and body odor in general.  Of course, his lack of smell impairment was weaved into every response, further punctuated by the fact that he himself smelled like he had not showered in about 2 weeks.  His fragrance of dead fish floating in a sulfur spring made the point to all the senators on the panel.

But, as they probed beneath his odorous surface, the found several disturbing nuances in his background.  Allegations came forth of tax fraud, soliciting prostitution, and most importantly, speaking when not spoken to.  The first 2 charges were basically dismissed by the senate committee panel, deemed not critical to confirmation.  “Tax law, after all, is a confusing mess of non-understandable garblety gook and ambiguous jibberish,” said one senator.  It was echoed by several other senators, who at one time or another had been accused of dodging tax, when they claimed that the system they themselves devised was just too damn complicated. 

And solicitation was considered by the panel to be a soft crime in Bizarreville.  People such as the general are under intense pressure…fighting wars, filling out interminable bureaucratic report forms, trying to look busy, etc….a person in such a situation needs a release.  And besides, as evidence presented itself, General Munkfard only offered her 50 bucks, which wouldn’t have gotten him even a toe suck. 

But the last charge was a huge concern.  “It’s a question of character,” the committee chairman said.  “It is unconscionable that any officer, let alone a general, cannot understand this basic expectation.”  A specific example was presented when Munkfard was speaking to a general 8 years ago without having filled out a request form ahead of time, or even getting verbal permission.

“He just came out and talked,” an eyewitness said.  “No Form 3471-B was filled out, no Attachment 13F, none of that.  I didn’t have a 3471-B with me at the time, or I would have offered it to him.  I had a 3471-A, but not a “B”…doggone it…not a “B”.  I tried to warn him, but he just went on talking, like he was talking to some buddy in a bar.  It was shocking…shocking.”

The general still has a good chance of being confirmed by this Committee, who just needs to approve a warm body to run the stupid war.  It is unlikely that the President will find another senior officer with a nose handicap, and the committee members understand this dilemma.  Voting is expected by week’s end.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Sorry to those who thought this was a scoop.

The President announced that he could no longer tolerate smart-alec insubordination and disrespect in his commanding general.  So he put his ass on a slow boat to Cleveland, and fired him on the spot.

The General had told Lazy Funk magazine that he didn’t care for the President’s choice of underarm deodorant.  “He’s got B.O., and the cheddar cheese fragrance of the roll-on (that he apparently gets from Cracker Barrel) makes the whole Oval office smell like a 400-pound jogger,” said the General.  “If he’s going to shop at the Barrel, maybe he ought to see if they have something a little less dairy.”

Even though the General has had a distinguished 35-year career, and has led the nation in defending against nasty enemies and lunatics while risking his life, the B.O. comment was just too mean, too cruel, and very inappropriate, according to the President.  “The General should have just held his freaking nose like the rest of us,” an Insider said.  “Maybe he could have just shot him a Ralph Lauren fragrance gift pack for Christmas, and let nature run its course.”

The General said he has had a lot of offers and looks forward to joining the private sector.  Several cologne companies have allegedly made him attractive offers to be their spokesman, parlaying his notoriety as a sudden odor expert, and a solid defender of the right to not have to breathe stale air.  “It’s in the Declaration…life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness…no way you’re going to be pursuing happiness in a stink pot,” he said.

The President appointed General Lucius Munkfard to the post as his replacement.  Munkfard is a highly decorated officer, who coincidently lost his sense of smell in Vietnam during heavy chemical bombing many years ago.  He said he can pretty much withstand any foe, whether it be enemy combatant or just pure unadulterated stink.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the stinky ones.