October 29th, 2011
Obamanomics Lesson 6: Punish the hard workers
In Obamanomic theory, success-through-hard-work can only be logically achieved by exploiting the unsuccessful. No one can obtain profit unless he screws the other guy. And the “other guy” in most cases is just too dumb to avoid the screwing on his own. That’s where the government comes in…to come to the rescue and balance things out…protect the underprivileged, undermotivated, undereducated, underenergized segment of the population.
Obamanomists like to call it “sharing the wealth” or contributing your fair share…words that were carefully picked by Linguistic Experts, who shuttered when they heard the original terminology for this aspect of the theory: shaving a couple layers of skin off your a$$. The idea of sharing resonates well among the 94% of people who are not very rich. They point to billionaires and Hollywood movie stars who lament that they’re not getting taxed enough now. Of course, when common people suggest to these erudites that they go ahead and slip another mil or two in their IRS envelope, the uber-rich respond that their CPAs won’t let them because it would foul up their bookkeeping too much, and endanger their professional stature.
But there is not enough of these uber-rich idiots to make a dent in the national debt, so the sharing burden must then extend to the kinda/sorta rich, the comfy-but-not-really-rich, and the making-good-dough-but-got-two-kids-in-college segments. These, unfortunately, are the people who worked hard, got extra education, put in long hours to move ahead, not realizing that their savings would be “shared away” in the Obamanomics world. If they had only known, they could have kicked back and jumped on the mediocrity train many years ago. They could have joined the crowd going to that all-you-can-drink brewery tour during Finals week in college, rather than studying Thermodynamics with a half pot of coffee reduction. They could have blown off that senior management project presentation in order to go to little Suzie’s piano recital dress rehearsal. They could have taken a few extra “personal days” to sit on the back porch with a couple Natty Lights, watch the grass turn brown, and listen to Merle Haggard’s greatest hits. Too late now.
In Obamanomic theory, these so-called hard workers have always been given the upper hand. They were smarter because they had rich parents who could afford Dr. Seuss books to read to them when they were toddlers. They could afford to pay kids to take their SAT tests for them which allowed them to get into college. They got private lessons from experts on how to cheat on exams without being caught, using the snapshot glance technique. They were able to buy nice, high-powered cameras that they surreptitiously used to blackmail their bosses to garner promotions. They participated in elaborate Ponzi schemes to increase their wealth, baling out just before getting caught. Upper hand…all the way through life…golden opportunities that most other people were never given access to.
Obamanomics can level out these inequities and provide the less-privileged people advantages…just as if they had their own little Ponzi schemes and/or risque pictures. It’s called caring and sharing.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sharing lesson types.
