bizarreville

Neo-socialism, in the world of Obamanomics, is not your father’s socialism.  The new version takes the learnings of all forms of flubbed socialist experiments of the past, then creates a political/economic system that is the smart replacement for capitalism.  Plus it’s cool and hip…an excellent fit for the new “enlightened” generation.

Capitalism, as all Obamanomists have known for quite some time, is a seriously flawed system.  It rewards the Rich with obscene benefits, while punishing the poor and driving them into despicable life styles.  Many families are too poor to afford more than one 50-inch flatscreen TV (some without even NFL packages), non-designer jeans, or more than one rusty Cadillac Seville.  Many families are forced to shop at Wal-Mart and suffer the humiliating, demeaning experience of obnoxiously crowded parking lots, shopping carts with squeaky wheels, stacked merchandise that has been picked-over by thousands of germ-infested customers, some merchandise wiped by crying, runny-nose kids in strollers.  These poor souls may never enjoy the luxurious sizzle of a Ruth Chris 50-buck steak accompanied by a 90-skin bottle of wine that you could buy at your discount beverage shop for 12 bucks.  Meanwhile, these poor-class people must watch the upper class enjoy double Whoppers instead of single Whoppers, large fries instead of medium, and those luscious apple pies…all paid with gold, platinum, or the next permutation of rare-metal credit cards.

Neo-socialism keeps a “faux” version of economic freedom, allowing businesses to basically make their own decisions…except for regulations on pay rates, work hours, material usage, process details, financial structure, logistics, building construction, energy consumption, and trash pickup.  Neo-socialism involves new concepts in sewer monitoring with advanced techniques that provide a window into what/how a business is operating…sort of akin to a urine sample for a business.  Naturally, executive pay, once the single most abused element of capitalism, is tightly controlled in Neo-socialism with standardized pay ceilings, and of course, no more incentive pay gimmicks, stock options, or other floozy shenanigans.  Production scheduling information goes into the National Computer Center with its advanced algorithms for total system coordination and fairness allocation decision-making and goods rationing.  Capital investment programs will be earmarked for environmental improvements…and that’s about it…no need for anything else until air/water are returned to the pristine conditions of the 1500’s when the only pollutant was the occasional buffalo fart.

It’s an economic system whose time has come, and a system that Karl Marx would be proud of.  He never would have liked the USSR version of socialism with its flawed collectivity system, political nonsense, mass murders, and defense paranoia.  He would truly embrace Neo-socialism with its tight control over excesses, its protection of the underbelly, and its equal treatment of all levels on the motivation/demotivation scale.  He would love the community aspect of everyone pulling together like a giant group hug, its absence of fancy cars and fancy houses, and lack of worthless things like little cupcake shops that serve no appreciable social purpose.

Neo-socialism will dissuade the propogation of Discriminatoids:  devices, gadgets, and goodies that upper-crusters can afford, but lower-crusters cannot.  Discriminatoids like Ping golf putters, jet skis, Swiss watches, expresso machines, pure-bred chocolate Labs, man caves, back scratchers, and heated toilet seats will be heavily excise-taxed in the new world order.  A heated toilet seat that may sell for $39 in today’s market will cost $439 in the Neo world, which should quickly dry-up demand.  By doing this, all citizens will feel the same degree of cold cheek when they sit…for the betterment of society.

Neo-socialism and Obamanomics…a match made in heaven.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the new ideas on world order.

In Obamanomic theory, success-through-hard-work can only be logically achieved by exploiting the unsuccessful.  No one can obtain profit unless he screws the other guy.  And the “other guy” in most cases is just too dumb to avoid the screwing on his own.  That’s where the government comes in…to come to the rescue and balance things out…protect the underprivileged, undermotivated, undereducated, underenergized segment of the population.

Obamanomists like to call it “sharing the wealth” or contributing your fair share…words that were carefully picked by Linguistic Experts, who shuttered when they heard the original terminology for this aspect of the theory:  shaving a couple layers of skin off your a$$.   The idea of sharing resonates well among the 94% of people who are not very rich.  They point to billionaires and Hollywood movie stars who lament that they’re not getting taxed enough now.  Of course, when common people suggest to these erudites that they go ahead and slip another mil or two in their IRS envelope, the uber-rich respond that their CPAs won’t let them because it would foul up their bookkeeping too much, and endanger their professional stature.

But there is not enough of these uber-rich idiots to make a dent in the national debt, so the sharing burden must then extend to the kinda/sorta rich, the comfy-but-not-really-rich, and the making-good-dough-but-got-two-kids-in-college segments.  These, unfortunately, are the people who worked hard, got extra education, put in long hours to move ahead, not realizing that their savings would be “shared away” in the Obamanomics world.  If they had only known, they could have kicked back and jumped on the mediocrity train many years ago.  They could have joined the crowd going to that all-you-can-drink brewery tour during Finals week in college, rather than studying Thermodynamics with a half pot of coffee reduction.  They could have blown off that senior management project presentation in order to go to little Suzie’s piano recital dress rehearsal.  They could have taken a few extra “personal days” to sit on the back porch with a couple Natty Lights, watch the grass turn brown, and listen to Merle Haggard’s greatest hits.  Too late now.

In Obamanomic theory, these so-called hard workers have always been given the upper hand.  They were smarter because they had rich parents who could afford Dr. Seuss books to read to them when they were toddlers.  They could afford to pay kids to take their SAT tests for them which allowed them to get into college.  They got private lessons from experts on how to cheat on exams without being caught, using the snapshot glance technique.  They were able to buy nice, high-powered cameras that they surreptitiously used to blackmail their bosses to garner promotions.  They participated in elaborate Ponzi schemes to increase their wealth, baling out just before getting caught.  Upper hand…all the way through life…golden opportunities that most other people were never given access to.

Obamanomics can level out these inequities and provide the less-privileged people advantages…just as if they had their own little Ponzi schemes and/or risque pictures.  It’s called caring and sharing.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the sharing lesson types.

As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps.  After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat?  And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.

All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day.  However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”.  Examples of common food:  burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies.  Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs).  TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.

Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct.  Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free.  The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door.  Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands.  Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang.  The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers.  And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.

The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party.  The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.