bizarreville

In a surprising announcement yesterday, Elmer Shtootz, CEO of Burger World, announced that the company’s restaurants would now be accepting food stamps for all purchases of food items, with the exception of hot apple pies.  He said that it was high time that everyone started realizing that poor people get tired of slaving over a hot kitchen stove just like other people, and need a break once in a while.  Mr. Shtootz revealed that when he was a child, his family had to rely on food stamps and would never take him to a fast food chain to enjoy the occasional greasy burger and fries, let alone a milk shake.  He said he was 30 years old before he even tasted a shake, only to find out that he was lactose intolerant.  He did not elaborate further on that.

Shtootz indicated that all franchisees would also be expected to follow the lead of the company restaurants, and accept food stamps.  Any franchisee grousing would be considered grounds for sign removal.

The Bizarreville Health & Human Services Administration reported that restaurant acceptance of food stamps had been strictly prohibited in the past, but they were willing to allow Burger World to accept them on a trial basis.  The BHHS chief said that many food stamp recipients had complained in the past that it was unfair to have such an unreasonable restriction, and she was getting tired of listening to all the whining and bellyaching.

Another major fast food chain, Snarfburger Inc, has filed a charge of Unfair Favoritism by allowing Burger World to have this exclusive benny.  A spokesman indicated the company would take the issue to the Supreme Court if necessary in order to level the playing field in the burger wars.

One critic complained that this action was just going to make these poor people unhealthier that they already were.  He said that Burger World’s burgers have so much fat that it takes one full pound of meat to end up with a quarter-pounder after cooking.  A BW spokesman said, “That’s baloney.”  It was not clear if he was referring to their new baloney burger which went on sale earlier this month, or just cracking wise.

One reporter asked Mr. Shtootz why the company was not permitting hot apple pies to be covered under the food stamp provision.  Shtootz responded that pies would have to be paid in cash in order to prevent the jumbo-size food stamp customers from loading up 4 or 5 dozen pies and running them out of stock.  He said they were also considering placing a limit on orders of fries per food stamp customer, but for now, were adopting a wait-and-see policy.

“The fries question is a much tougher one to deal with,” commented Shtootz.  “Do you cap it at 5 large orders, but allow unlimited small fries orders?  And where does the medium size fit in?  It’s all just too complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.

As the population continues to see the rich wisdom of Universal Health Care, the next logical step would be Universal Food Stamps.  After all, what good is health care if you can’t eat?  And in the world of Obamanomics, it all makes perfect sense.

All citizens would be issued enough Universal Food Stamps (UFS) to provide 3 squares a day.  However, shoppers would only be able to use them on certain kinds of food items…which will be called “Common Food”.  Examples of common food:  burger, dogs/sausages, corn flakes, frozen pizzas, generic colas, white bread, canned veggies, skim milk, ramen noodles, and twinkies.  Stamps cannot be used on any so-called high-end items like steak, shrimp, fresh veggies, ice cream, multi-grain buns, taco chips, or anything with chocolate (except CocoPuffs).  TV dinners, pot pies, and lunch meat are still questionable on whether they would be covered.

Obamanomic theory suggest that, in time, the high-end products will become extinct.  Citizens will be hard-pressed to rationalize spending good, hard cash for center-cut pork chops when they can get turkey burger for free.  The cash groceries will start to rot on the shelves and meat cases, as the UFS stuff gets whisked out the door.  Large food manufacturers will quickly grasp the futility of producing high-end products, and will shift production to common food brands.  Cash grocery brands will soon be produced by only a small handful of tiny, boutique manufacturers who will be forced to price their items out the ying yang.  The hope, of course, is that these renegade manufacturers will eventually be squeezed out by virtue of a continually dwindling market of stubborn cash buyers.  And naturally, as companies squeeze out, prices will skyrocket even further until only billionaires will be cash buyers, if there are any of them left.

The Universal Food Stamp concept has gained widespread support from the Generic Food Association, the Screw-the-Rich Club, the Committee for Universal Fairness, and the No Tea For Me Party.  The administration has tried to gain the support of the United Food Workers Union, but union officials have stated that they are a bit skeptical and need more time to review the concept details.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including the economic theories.