bizarreville

Chuck Schumer is thinking about putting aside the Loser Playbook that he’s been using as his Strategy Manual.  Turns out, it was co-written by the owners of the NY Giants and NY Jets with supplemental content from the Kamala campaign… people who really know how to lose.  Schumer had been thinking about getting out of politics and becoming a cannabis farmer, with a hundred windmills on the property to supplement his income.  But now he’s heard that young people are shying away from dope.  And windmills are turning out to be maintenance nightmares.

He may have to stay in politics and figure out some way to un-loser himself.  Won’t be easy.  His Aides tell him that he’s dug himself a pretty deep hole with his idiotic move to shut down the government.  Thousands of his staunchest supporters have been given pink slips.  And more pinks are on the way for those Democrats who snared cushy patronage jobs that have now been assessed as Non-Essential, Non-Useful, and Non-Sensible.  They blame Schumer for ruining their lives.  Schumer claims that it’s all Trump’s fault, but unfortunately they know he’s lying.  They know he’s always been a liar.  It was okay for him to be a liar when they all had good-paying jobs… not so okay now.

Looks like he’s stuck with being a Loser and will have trouble finding a real job when his term is up.  Maybe he could be a windmill mechanic.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction when originally published.  Some become true later.

With the City of New York wishing to move its political structure in the direction of Communism, with government control over property and business, the rest of the state of New York is scared of being sucked into this black hole.  Most of upstate New York has historically been more conservative/traditional in its belief system.  Unfortunately, however, the Upstaters’ voices have been drowned out by the bellyachers in the Big Apple… an apple that some say has a large worm in it… and have been unable to get a balanced set of laws and policies in the state because of the population bulge.  They don’t see things changing in the future unless something drastic is done.

The Upstate New Yorkers have suggested that the City consider spinning off into a 51st state, separate from the rest of New York state.  They could call themselves Marxylvania, in homage to Karl, or Groucho, or both.  By doing this separation, they would free themselves to elect their own dictator, reinstate Woke principles to drive out exceptionalism, and provide equally bad housing for all.

Citizens of New Jersey say that if the spinoff happens, the “New York” NFL football teams would no longer be permitted to use the Meadowlands facility… unless they change their names to the New Jersey Giants and New Jersey Jets.  Because both teams suck so badly, no one really seems to care one way or the other.  Perhaps, decades from now, that issue could become relevant.

Some centrist New York city dwellers are afraid that the change could result in bread lines.  But proponents of the change argue that the bread lines would actually be Bagel Lines, with a full variety of flavors and toppings.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Or are they?

Mayor Johnson of Chicago has taken plenty of criticism over his recent announcement that the Chicago professional sports teams in the 4 major categories (Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey) have elected to move out of the City due to the decades-long pathetic performance of all the local teams and the fans deciding to shun attending the games.  Another contributing factor has been the skyrocketing violent crime in the City, which has made fans fear to walk the streets in/around the parks.  The Mayor has refused to acknowledge that crime is a factor.  He said that his crime statistics show that violence is down, once they made some administrative adjustments to the numbers.  And, he said that all crime in the City is attributable to pissed-off fans, who are sick and tired of losing, and hate being ridiculed by people from New York, LA, San Francisco, and even Peoria.

“It’s now embarrassing to wear any kind of Chicago sports jersey in public,” one Chicago alderman stated, realizing that departure is probably the best option.  “People mock jersey wearers, often screaming, ‘You Suck.’  How do you argue with that?  All you can say is, ‘You make a good point.'”

Davenport Iowa says they’d be willing to take the Bulls.  They still remember the Jordan years which ended 27 years ago, when ownership decided to embark on a rebuild program.  “You could have built 12 Hoover Dams in that timeframe,” one disgruntled ex-fan snarled.

Frankfort Kentucky says they’ll take a look at the Blackhawks.  No one there knows anything about ice hockey, but you’ve got to start somewhere.  Kentucky does not have any teams in the 4 professional sports now.  They make good bourbon in Frankfort and are thinking they could serve it at the games.  That may ease the transition from the team’s current level of malpractice.

The Bears may go back to Decatur, Illinois, where the franchise originally started as the Decatur Staleys in 1919.  Staley seems like a good name to return to, if they continue to be befuddled on offense and defense, as expected.

Three cities have expressed a desire for the Cubs, but only if they can dismantle Wrigley Field and reconstruct it in their town.  Experts say that the vines may not survive, but the trough-style urinals should be able to make the trip unscathed.

No one wants the White Sox.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they seem pretty logical, right?

Bizarreville Nation:  we are happy to report that the next exciting satire novel has been released by Bizarreville Press.  It is called Come Looting With Me, and is a hilarious depiction of what can happen when liberal forces get a little too rambumctious about letting every crazy fringe group go wild in protesting every little thing.  And what can happen when governments allow vandalism and looting to accompany the so-called peaceful protests.  Trust me, it’s a fun read.  You can order the book very easily by just clicking on the book cover on the right, and it will take you directly to the Amazon site———————->