bizarreville

The Immigration and Naturalization Bureau announced early this week that they have issued a Halt on all immigration applications from the country of Funquat.  This comes at the heels of the recent terrorist attack from 2 members of the Funquat Neo-Quackism cult that injured hundreds of innocent pigeons and 3 dogs, some critical,  in the Stoolville Park incident.

Funquat officials have vehemently objected to the ban, stating that the Neo-Quackism sect is not at all representative of their citizens.  They did admit, however, that they were sympathetic to 97% of all their twisted beliefs, including such things as turtle jihad, nostril hair curling, and wiping prohibition.  But they said they are generally not sympathetic to the really weird stuff like public sport-belching.  The officials did admit no love of pigeons, while saying the potential loss of dog in the recent incident was an unfortunate collateral outcome.

A group of Ex-Funquatees living in Bizarreville organized a peaceful protest at the University, but were promptly hauled away by police and loaded onto boats headed back to Funquat with their green card cancellation notices.  The protestors objected, crying that the new law said nothing about deportation.  But the Police Chief said “Tough S#!t.”  Reporters were shocked at the use of such political incorrectness, but the Chief responded that there was room on the boat for a couple more knuckleheads, which could include reporter-types.  One reporter was grabbed, but he managed to slip away and scamper for the hills, tossing his notebook toward a garbage can, but missing it badly.

Most citizens exhibited joy to see a much overdue aggressive approach to this long-time menacing problem.  One person said that his neighbor was an Ex-Funquatee, who almost never mowes his lawn and always has his garage door open.  He said that he would be happy to personally drive him to the port and help load him on the next boat.  When explained that the guy might be fitted with a suicide bomb vest ensemble, the man retracted and volunteered to call him a taxi.

Administration officials privately warned other rogue nations to get their whacko elements under control, or they would face similar sanctions.  An embassy member from Shlumpistan warned that, if sanctioned likewise, they might just retaliate by nerve gassing their own countrymen.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Surprise, surprise.

In a surprising announcement yesterday, Elmer Shtootz, CEO of Burger World, announced that the company’s restaurants would now be accepting food stamps for all purchases of food items, with the exception of hot apple pies.  He said that it was high time that everyone started realizing that poor people get tired of slaving over a hot kitchen stove just like other people, and need a break once in a while.  Mr. Shtootz revealed that when he was a child, his family had to rely on food stamps and would never take him to a fast food chain to enjoy the occasional greasy burger and fries, let alone a milk shake.  He said he was 30 years old before he even tasted a shake, only to find out that he was lactose intolerant.  He did not elaborate further on that.

Shtootz indicated that all franchisees would also be expected to follow the lead of the company restaurants, and accept food stamps.  Any franchisee grousing would be considered grounds for sign removal.

The Bizarreville Health & Human Services Administration reported that restaurant acceptance of food stamps had been strictly prohibited in the past, but they were willing to allow Burger World to accept them on a trial basis.  The BHHS chief said that many food stamp recipients had complained in the past that it was unfair to have such an unreasonable restriction, and she was getting tired of listening to all the whining and bellyaching.

Another major fast food chain, Snarfburger Inc, has filed a charge of Unfair Favoritism by allowing Burger World to have this exclusive benny.  A spokesman indicated the company would take the issue to the Supreme Court if necessary in order to level the playing field in the burger wars.

One critic complained that this action was just going to make these poor people unhealthier that they already were.  He said that Burger World’s burgers have so much fat that it takes one full pound of meat to end up with a quarter-pounder after cooking.  A BW spokesman said, “That’s baloney.”  It was not clear if he was referring to their new baloney burger which went on sale earlier this month, or just cracking wise.

One reporter asked Mr. Shtootz why the company was not permitting hot apple pies to be covered under the food stamp provision.  Shtootz responded that pies would have to be paid in cash in order to prevent the jumbo-size food stamp customers from loading up 4 or 5 dozen pies and running them out of stock.  He said they were also considering placing a limit on orders of fries per food stamp customer, but for now, were adopting a wait-and-see policy.

“The fries question is a much tougher one to deal with,” commented Shtootz.  “Do you cap it at 5 large orders, but allow unlimited small fries orders?  And where does the medium size fit in?  It’s all just too complicated.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  At least for now.