bizarreville

Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has thrown her hat into the ring to run for Mayor in the upcoming election.  Most voters are surprised that she plans to run, considering her abysmal performance as Vice-Mayor, one of the worst, most lackadaisical efforts in the City’s history.  There are 6,713 candidates who are better qualified, according to Party members.  Nevertheless, she believes she can fool the voting public by using TV commercials to make it look like she actually did something while in office… such as reducing Insulin costs at Herb’s Drug Store.

Her biggest challenge will be to answer why so many bums, vagrants, and hobos have illegally immigrated into the City.  The Mayor had put Ferris in charge of securing the City Outskirts to limit the bum influx, maybe even considering building a wall.  But Ferris never took that role seriously, and actually encouraged bum migration by offering them free begging pans, and dry-erase boards for their “No job, No home, No hope” signs… as long as they would just promise to vote Democrat.

Rumors are that Ferris has a soft spot for vagrants.  Early in her life, when attending Law School, she allegedly slept with a number of hobos at their encampments in the trainyard.  They say that she would help cook roasted squirrel over the campfire, before hitting the sack with Boxcar Bruno or Shifty McSnuff.  There she learned how to be empathetic to society’s underbelly… literally walking in their shoes… when she would trade shoes with other girls in the hobo camp.  Ferris has denied these stories, saying, “I’ll say this again.  I did NOT have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Boxcar Bruno.  These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the Bizarreville people.”  Could be a plagiarism charge there.

Over Fumblina’s objections, Mayor Badoinker recently moved most of the City’s bum population to the Downtown Orphanage, in order to provide the children with a parent-figure, as well as cleaning up the messy streets.  Ms. Ferris fought to allow the vagrants to keep their independence and freedom.  But critics say she only fought this because of the restrictive visitation policies at the Orphanage.

The Bizarreville Transportation Authority (BTA) is in the process of citing the NPC media with reckless endangerment, which could put some of their top executives in prison for up to 10 years.

As everyone knows, the NPC media is comprised of all the left-wing nitwit news agencies such as NBC, CBS, NPR, CNN, and others who have all adopted a practice of regurgitating the same old sorry talking points in their newscasts, and boring people to sleep.  The danger arises when citizens are driving their cars, riding their bicycles, mowing their lawns, or walking across the street, and suddenly doze off from the monotonous drones from the NPC’s.  387 people have been injured this year, some very seriously, while listening to the treacherous dullness.

The NPC media members have been warned in the past to place a disclaimer at the beginning of every boring newscast, warning that the contents can cause drowsiness, and listeners should not operate any heavy equipment.  But, because no one enforces the rules, the laws are ignored.  The NPC media continues their dusty speech reruns, with no concern for the damage they are doing, especially to the soft-skulls in their listening audience.

The BTA will put a quick stop to the madness and force all media outlets to become at least semi-interesting, or spend time in the clink.  They say they are tired of pussyfooting around with these brainless wonders, and plan to hold them accountable to coming up with creative material that uses no cliches, no rehashed buzzwords, no worn-out phrases of sheer nothingness.

A media insider has revealed that these expectations will be difficult, if not impossible, to meet.  The major media companies have stopped hiring reporters and correspondents with any inkling of intelligence in order to save money.  Instead, they have staffed-up with robot-like message regurgitators trained to follow orders.  But they are hoping that Artificial Intelligence will bail them out, if they can ever figure out how to get the damn thing to work.

Bizarreville Press has just released its latest book of fresh satire and fun… Carafe Half Full.  This book is a sequel to Recorked, and it takes the reader on a fun, adventurous trip through wine country as our beloved characters continue to explore the deliciousness of wines.  This book is a bit different, however, as our hero Mike begins to develop a romantic relationship with fellow wine lover Carly.  It is written first-person from Mike’s standpoint, so we get to see all of Mike’s emotions, excitements, confusions, insecurities, and sarcastic wise-cracking along the path.  You will love it.  Check it out on Amazon by clicking on the book cover in the right column —–>

The Chairman of the 1st Bizarreville Bank, Jay Foul, says that he is NOT going to reduce interest rates, in spite of the continuing good news that Inflation is steadily declining.  Jay says that the Bank has a rich history of waiting until the economy turns into spoiled tuna salad before acting to help.  When asked when the Bank WILL begin dropping rates, he responded, “Smell the tuna, and you’ll know.”

The higher interest rates have all but killed the housing market, especially for low and middle-income people who must obtain highly leveraged mortgages.  These people have begun calling Mr. Foul an Uncle Tom, but it has had little effect on him.  The fact is, Foul has an actual Uncle Tom who once bought him a lime-green 10-speed bicycle for Christmas.  So, he has a fondness for the name, reminiscing about that joyful Christmas morning every time he hears someone shout out, “You’re an Uncle Tom!”  Often, he’ll reply: Thank you.

Some of the Bank’s Board of Directors are splitting-off from Foul’s tough stance, and are openly communicating to the media about their disagreement.  Foul has told them that if they don’t like his policy, to go buy a Bitcoin.  That kind of hateful rhetoric is never appropriate in an esteemed financial institution like 1st Bizarreville Bank.  One Director responded back, “Yeah, well I hope one of your depositors comes into your bank with a thousand pennies.”  See, that’s hitting below the belt.

Meanwhile, the Economy is smelling tuna-ish, with Unemployment numbers rising, consumer spending declining, and credit card defaults spiking up.  Normally, these factors would indicate a Recession is on its way.  But Foul says he’s still having to wait in long lines in the checkout lane at the grocery store, so the Economy can’t be that bad.  When one reporter suggested that the long lines could be caused by the grocery store manager laying off some of their checkout employees, Foul said he doesn’t subscribe to conspiracy theories like that, at least until they make a movie about them.

“If I go to the movie theater and see the mobsters who took out Lee Harvey Oswald working a scheme to eliminate grocery store clerks, then I’ll be a believer.”  Foul then smirked at the reporter, implying he was jacking with him.  The reporter then whispered, “I hope that clerk gives you the wrong change.”  Lot of anger out there.

It’s finally come out.  Mayor Badoinker has dementia.  Yes, it’s true.  His closest Aides have been refusing to admit it, claiming the 3-minukte lapse in his recent debate against Challenger Harump was just a reminiscing episode of when he drove for Penske in the Indy 500.  Of course, he never drove for Penske in the Indy 500, never drove any kind of race car, never actually drove a car sportier than the AMC Gremlin GT that he won in a poker tournament.  At least, that’s where he said he won the Gremlin.  Other sources claim he won the Gremlin as 3rd prize at a church raffle.

Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has said that she never suspected that the Mayor was experiencing any sort of scatterbrain malfunction.  And she meets with him every day.  She says that Mayor Badoinker will often spout-off long strings of gibberish, but she was thinking that was normal lib-speak.  Besides, she normally nods off and does not pay 100 percent attention to him during his drifty rambles.  Ferris says that he would always speak 4 or 5 words that made sense, so she kinda/sorta knew what he was trying to say.  She uses the same approach when listening to her husband.

The Mayor’s personal doctor was asked why he did not disclose Badoinker’s malady.  The doctor said that he DID disclose it… to the Mayor himself.  But, most likely, the Mayor forgot it by the time he left the room.

Many people have said that they could tell that the Mayor was having health issues.  They say they noticed he had been losing weight and stuffing pillows under his shirt to disguise the weight-loss.  Most observers could spot the pillow buttons popping through the shirt, a dead giveaway.

Badoinker has so far refused to withdraw from the upcoming election race.  He says that the Drug companies are brewing-up new concoctions all the time, and figures they’ll cook-up some sort of elixir by home stretch time.  He says if he can get his brain working at 30 to 40 percent, that should be good enough for any politician.  After all, we’re not talking about a NASA rocket builder here.  Not even talking about a Lego rocket builder.

His Party members are worried that voters will abandon him if he trips coming out of the limousine and falling flat on his face one more time.  A senior member recently tried to convince him to bow-out, but he said that he has forgotten how to bow.

“No, Sir, I meant drop out of the race,” the Party official said.

“Am I running a 5K or 10K race?  And can someone grab me a water bottle?” the Mayor asked.

“No, Sir, you are not in an actual running race.  You’re sitting here at your desk.”

“How did I place?  Did I win?  You know, I used to be an Olympic marathon runner.  Won about 3 gold medals and 2 Bronzes.  The Bronzes would have been Gold, except some runner from Canada stepped on my foot.  Those darn Cheeseheads.”

“Cheeseheads are people from Wisconsin, Sir.”

“Is that what we’re having for lunch?  Sounds delicious.”

The Bizarreville blog will be transitioning back to our original concept of telling fun, humorous stories with crazy characters from the whimsical Village of Bizarreville.  We hope that you enjoy the satire.  And please support us by buying our books on Amazon by merely clicking on the book covers on the right ——>

This will allow us to keep taxes low in Bizarreville.

Sincerely,

The Bizarreville Street Sweeper