August 19th, 2024
The Vice-Mayor’s hidden passion
Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has thrown her hat into the ring to run for Mayor in the upcoming election. Most voters are surprised that she plans to run, considering her abysmal performance as Vice-Mayor, one of the worst, most lackadaisical efforts in the City’s history. There are 6,713 candidates who are better qualified, according to Party members. Nevertheless, she believes she can fool the voting public by using TV commercials to make it look like she actually did something while in office… such as reducing Insulin costs at Herb’s Drug Store.
Her biggest challenge will be to answer why so many bums, vagrants, and hobos have illegally immigrated into the City. The Mayor had put Ferris in charge of securing the City Outskirts to limit the bum influx, maybe even considering building a wall. But Ferris never took that role seriously, and actually encouraged bum migration by offering them free begging pans, and dry-erase boards for their “No job, No home, No hope” signs… as long as they would just promise to vote Democrat.
Rumors are that Ferris has a soft spot for vagrants. Early in her life, when attending Law School, she allegedly slept with a number of hobos at their encampments in the trainyard. They say that she would help cook roasted squirrel over the campfire, before hitting the sack with Boxcar Bruno or Shifty McSnuff. There she learned how to be empathetic to society’s underbelly… literally walking in their shoes… when she would trade shoes with other girls in the hobo camp. Ferris has denied these stories, saying, “I’ll say this again. I did NOT have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Boxcar Bruno. These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the Bizarreville people.” Could be a plagiarism charge there.
Over Fumblina’s objections, Mayor Badoinker recently moved most of the City’s bum population to the Downtown Orphanage, in order to provide the children with a parent-figure, as well as cleaning up the messy streets. Ms. Ferris fought to allow the vagrants to keep their independence and freedom. But critics say she only fought this because of the restrictive visitation policies at the Orphanage.
