bizarreville

The President, with his recent launching of dozens of nonsensical Executive Orders and autocratic proclamations, his incoherent Press Conference, and his obvious inability to think clearly on important matters such as the crisis at the southern border, absurd proposals to eliminate security checks on voting, and reckless government spending, has made it clear to even many of his supporters that he is on course to become the country’s First Vegetable.  Many of his own staff are worried that propping the guy up on a podium in a nice blue suit, and having him bumble his way through all his speeches while losing track of what the hell he is even saying, are not fooling sensible Americans anymore.  Many of the 80-million people who voted for the guy are now smashing their heads against the wall, screaming, “What was I thinking??”

Naturally, no one wants to see him forced to leave office, and elevate the Vice President to the Presidency.  In addition to having no leadership skill whatsoever, she is an avowed Socialist who envisions the country becoming the next Venezuela.  She has been to Venezuela, and said, “It’s not so bad.  They’ve got great coffee down there.”

The President was accused of “massive lying” during the Press Conference as he reported totally incorrect facts and reprehensible, untrue information about the Mexican border crisis, particularly in regard to the thousands and thousands of children being held in horrible condition.  “The President was not lying,” one high-level staff member replied.  “He is just totally unaware of any real facts.  You cannot call him dishonest when he gets stuff jumbled up a bit in his mind.  Totally unfair.”

Fortunately, the First Vegetable has a staff of people reporting to him that prepares his cue cards and notebooks, and helps him with decisions.  During one Oval Office meeting, while the President was inadvertently wetting his pants, a junior staff member subtly ushered him off to his private restroom before a puddle developed.  Close call.  Nice move.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are getting closer and closer to being true all the time.

The President showed-off his physical dexterity yesterday in a dull speech broadcast on his favorite TV cable station.  As you know, many citizens have been concerned about the President’s physical and mental shortcomings since being elected.  Last night, while still leaving doubt on the mental side, he showed the world that he was quite skilled at one physical maneuver.

The President demonstrated over and over again that he was able to pat himself on the back without really straining at all.  He took full credit for the ability to get citizens inoculated with the COVID vaccine.  He praised himself that he singlehandedly, through his personal drive, has been able to get the shots to people in increasing numbers.  And, because of his skillful work pressuring the drug companies, assured that everyone would be able to get their doses by May.

Unfortunately, with all the back-patting, he caused further disruption to his already precarious mental condition.  It was evident, as he forgot to mention that the previous Administration had produced literally a modern miracle to get the vaccines developed, tested, proven, mass produced, and mass distributed under the Warp Speed Program.  He had also forgotten that the citizens were being vaccinated at a rate in excess of 1 million per week before Joe even took office.  Instead, he believed that he had actually developed the whole vaccine program himself in a lab in his basement.

“Short-term memory loss is common in people like the President who are drifting downward in their mental faculties,” a doctor who specializes in mental disorders commented, as he watched the stumbling, bumbling speech on TV.  “Hey, if he can put together a coherent sentence or two, that is encouraging that he’s not yet a total vegetable.  Look at the bright side.  He did fine reaching around and patting himself on the back without anyone instructing him how to do it.”

The Executive staff is now preparing a speech on the President’s “amazing accomplishments” on immigration at the southern border.  This will further show his back-patting prowess… either that, or his head wedging skill… another proof of his superior dexterity.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are now rated fiction-ish.