bizarreville

And hope that your ear’s full of wax.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Unrepentant Advertisement:  If you liked this, consider ordering Tales of Obamaland —>

…You people with jobs need to pay more of your Fair Share of taxes.  I’m tired of arguing with you, and really tired of you and your Tea Party buddies whining about paying more tax.  “Pay up, Shut up” is gonna be my new slogan.  Pay up, shut up.  You don’t seem to grasp that we have a recession going on.  No, no, you don’t.  And most of you in this room have jobs.  Am I right?  Well, you job-people need to help the non-job and the sub-job portions of our population.  You need to step up to your responsibilities to pay…yes, sometimes paying out the fabled ying yang…to get this debt under control.

You, over there.  You with the salmon-colored polo shirt.  You have a job, right?  Right.  And how much do you figure you pay in taxes, percentage-wise?  Forty-two percent…is that what you said?  42 lousy percent.  That means you’re taking way over half of your wages home with you every paycheck.  I’m guessing your blowing it on food, beer, a fancy shmancy house in the burbs, polos shirts for every person in your family…Nike shoes, right?  Not Bilford Athletic Econo-shoes…no, sir.  Nike.  Are you expecting the rest of the country to get by with Bilfords?  Is it fair that your kids can wear Nikes, but the bum’s kid out there on the street gets stuck with Bilfords?  Is that the kind of country we want to be…one with an ever-widening shoe gap?  Is it??

Pay up, shut up.  Fork over a few more measly dollars so that no one has to wear Bilfords unless they choose to.  Let’s erase that stigma from our society.

You know, you may find yourself needing help some day.  That’s right.  None of us are immune from the so-called green weenie, the axeman, the Chain-saw Al, the Neutron Jack, the pink slip.  I’ll bet a lot of you don’t have 2 cents in a savings account, living paycheck to paycheck, bar tab to bar tab.  You may well find yourself destitute and looking for someone to sponge off of one day.  That’s when you’ll see it all from the other side.  That’s when you’ll be saying Pay up, Shut up along with me.  You…you in the back row, nodding…yeah, you know what I mean.  Pay up, shut up doesn’t sound so bad, does it?  Exactly.  Why wait for it to happen?  Join us now, see the future.  Your future.  Let’s all say it together…Pay up, shut up, pay up, shut up, Pay Up, Shut Up, PAY UP, SHUT UP…that’s right…PAY UP, SHUT UP…now we’re talking.

My friends, trust me when I say that you will all feel better by just paying a little more.  You will have an enormous wave of self-satisfaction sweep over you as you realize your taxes are helping so many people live a better life.  You’ll take great joy as you see a raggety old bum shuffle into a Starbucks for a free cup of latte, perhaps for the first time ever.  You’ll get a tingle when you see an obese lady able to buy a grocery cart load of National brand potato chips with her food stamps.  You’ll have a sense of satisfaction watching 10 government-subsidized workers filling a pothole on Main Street, knowing that each will be bringing home a paycheck to momma.  And it’s all because you Paid Up and Shut up.  Join us.

Good night, friends.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, including town hall secret tapings.

At his recent budget balance press conference, the President suggested that billionaires need to have more skin in the game, and pucker up for higher taxes. This comment prompted a group of investigative reporters to seek out and survey some billionaires to get their reaction. The reporter consortium published their findings in yesterday’s edition of the Bizarreville Daily Moon.

The results were surprising. One hundred billionaires were found, mostly playing bad golf at exclusive country clubs, pounding martinis at swanky clubs, or sunning their wrinkles on various-sized yachts. When asked how they felt about a 3 or 4 percent tax bump, the general response was: “Huh? Beats the s#!$ out of me. Why don’t you go ask my Accountant. He’s that flunky over there mixing me a cocktail at the bar. Ask him to whip you up one of these peach mojitos. Have him splash a little moonshine in it, then hold onto the rail.”

The report concluded that clearly the issue of raising taxes on all 100 billionaires by 3, 4, maybe 5 percent would have very little negative pushback from the affected parties…most of whom would instruct their Accountants to go find some new tax shelter anyway, and start earning their keep. It suggests that it should be relatively simple for the Congress and President to come to quick consensus on this Easy Button tax adder.

But members of the More Tax Now & Forever advocacy group point out that this is not enough, not nearly enough, to cover the important spending needs of our time. They point out that there are still people here living below the poverty line, some with only one flatscreen TV, many who are forced to continue to use cumbersome, old-fashioned non-Smart cell phones. They point out that many Bridges to Nowhere are starting to crumble, let alone the Bridges to New Nowheres that were promised, but never built. They further point out that the proposed Unemployment Retirement program, which would provide important retirement benefits to people who have been dutifully collecting unemployment checks for up to 20 years, has still not been passed. They suggest that there are so many studies that could be done–investigating the mating habits of cockroaches, weed propogation in western deserts, and the kinetics of a slinky as it flops down stairs. But none of this important work can be done without bold new taxes. They plead that it is time to decide what kind of nation we want to be.

But as the tax debate continues, it seems apparent that billionaires will be asked to contribute more of their fair share. One billionaire CEO responded, “It doesn’t matter. I’ll just tell my Board to give me a raise to compensate for it.”

Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you would swear are true.

With the Bizarreville public school system in such an utter financial mess and facing infrastructure collapse, officials have formed committees, task forces, and special focus groups to help develop solutions.  The School Commission retained noted pollster Dimbleweed and Frumpp Inc. to gauge public acceptance/relunctance to enact a tax increase to aid the struggling school programs.  Over 2000 people were surveyed and interviewed from a cross-section of citizens.

The poll found that 49% of people surveyed favored a tax increase to pour good, new dollars into previously failed school programs.  39 percent opposed any sort of new tax, while 12% did not understand the question.

Initially, analysts thought this was a shocking result.  On closer examination, however, the picture became clearer.  Nearly all of the 49 percent favoring increased taxes were people who pay no taxes themselves, and are card-carrying bonefide lunks who sponge off the system.  Exit poll interviews with them revealed a strong desire to soak the rich a little more, especially those with jobs, savings accounts, credit cards instead of debit cards, and/or families without one or more deadbeat dads.  Interviewees felt that the best way to solve the school system problems was to piss away more money at it, especially since it was not their money.  One interviewee, to make a point, dropped his drawers and peed on a nearby mailbox. 

“Education is important,” another survey-respondent said, “and we need to support our schools.  In fact, we need to give all the teachers a raise, build some new buildings, and rehire teachers who were fired just because they’re not so good at teaching.  And while we’re at it, we need more free lunches with better food besides just pizza and salads.  And different flavor shakes besides just chocolate and vanilla…get some variety.”

It is still not certain how the Commission will use these poll results in determining how to bolster the sagging system.  Taxes may be part of the answer, but since fewer and fewer people actually pay tax anymore, there will need to be a broader-based solution.  A sub-committee has been formed to deal with non-tax proposals, but so far has not come up with any ideas.

The President and his crack staff of spendaholics had made campaign promises to not come up with any new taxes.  But they still had the insatiable appetite to spend, spend, and spend a little more.  Like a 400-pound chowhound sitting behind a plate of savory double bacon cheeseburgers, the temptation was simply irresistable.  Yes, they would engorge themselves with those meaty burgers…but how would they pay the tab?  What sucker could they get to pick up the check?

The President had an idea….roll back old tax cuts.  Naturally that wouldn’t be a tax increase, per se.  It would just be the expiration of a tax decrease…in his mind, a totally acceptable loophole that could withstand the “depends on what the definition of ‘is’ is” kind of legal scrutiny.  Moreover, it would be an action that the President could undertake and have a complete illusion of a clear conscience.  After all, he had previously made speeches about the millions of job loss avoidances from his stimulus programs….this latest idea was certainly no more a truth-stretcher than that one.

So, they rolled back the Bush tax cuts, all of them:  the ones that benefited the filthy rich bastards, the ones that helped the semi-filthy middle class creeps, and the ones that gave a spark to the not-too-filthy lower incomers.  Oh, there was joy in the White House, and high-fives all around as the nasty tax cuts finally met their maker.

But then, Gilbert Shnoodle, senior adviser to the President, suggested they go ahead and roll back the Reagan tax cuts.  “Sure!” cried the staffers, “Why not?  Why not take a little more hide away from all those greedy SOB’s?”  So, they immediately passed legislation to cancel those old Reagan tax cuts, driving top marginal rates to 70 percent.  By this time, the martinis were flowing freely, and any inhibitions about being a  radical dirtbag flew out the window. 

Another staffer suggested:  “Why stop there?  There have been many Presidents who have cut taxes over the years.”  Before you knew it, they had rolled back the Nixon, Kennedy, Eisenhower, Truman, and Hoover tax cuts.  By the time it was over, the average tax rate was 62%, and the top marginal rate was 94%.  The staffers were so ecstatic, they went ahead and had a toga party.

There was some public bemoaning and bellyaching about this new radical tax policy.  But Administration officials insisted that the President completely abided by his promise of no new taxes…never said anything about unearthing some of the golden oldies.

All Stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that seem sorta real.

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Join our merry band of CPA’s as they meet up with their long-time, high-powered Lobbyists that they think will help them stop the whole tax simplification movement.  Imagine their surprise when the Lobbyists tell them that they have switched alliance, and now will be advocating for the other side…to push hard for the simplified tax structure.  What will happen?  Will there be a brouhaha?  Click on Simpli-tax, and join the fun.

The word is getting out that Taxes will go up if the new Bizarreville Health Care plan goes into effect.  Leaders previously promised no new taxes to fund Health Care, but then a local 5th grader found a mistake that the Budget Office made in their arithmetic.  The staff of PhD’s on the Bizarreville Economic Council were embarrassed, but said that the flaw was in their solar calculators due to all the overcast skies in the past couple weeks.

So now the Leaders are trying to figure who will foot the bill for the new funding needs.  They took a poll of the Citizens, who overwhelmingly voted to tax the Rich guys…percentage-wise, the vote was about 90 to 10.  Some pundits were concerned that this was the sixth time recently that taxes would go up on the Rich, and at some point that gravy train would need to end.  They said that the new tax would reduce jobs, as more and more companies would move investment outside of Bizarreville to more tax-friendly places.  They whined that you can’t keep giving all these other people free rides.

The Other side responded:  “Waaah, waaah, waaah…let’s all shed tears for the multi-millionaires.  Boo-hoo.  May have to get by with 4 butlers instead of the conventional 5.  May have to sell off one of the 8 Jags parked in the garage, the one that hasn’t been properly dusted in over a week (how gross).”  They responded that the Boards will just jack up their salaries higher to compensate for the higher tax anyway…the rich dudes may end up net ahead when all is said and done.  When asked about the impact on small business, they responded that the small guys are all getting Walmartized anyway…wake up, smell the decaf latte.

The Tax Fairness Congregate (TFC) said that Bizarreville is moving toward a culture of Tax Payers and Tax Consumers, a very dangerous trend, long term.  “More and more people are getting removed from the tax rolls via reduced rates, tax rebates for the untaxed, and a plethora of freebies, handouts, and bogus breaks.  It’s moving us rapidly toward socialism/marxism.”

TFC opponents, when asked about how they feel about Karl Marx, responded: “Was he the Italian guy with the funny hat, or the mute guy with the little honking horn?  No matter…Bizarreville could definitely benefit from a little more comedyism and humorism.”