bizarreville

The second lesson of Obamanomics is Spending Carpe Diem…focus on today, not tomorrow or all that future generation crap, when it comes to government spending.  After all, no one knows what will happen in the future.  For all we know, there could be nuke wars, health pandemics, or other global catastrophies.  Why tighten our belts too much now?  How sad would it be to scrimp, save, sacrifice, and economize now, only to then have a nuclear holocaust that made all that tightening meaningless and irrelevant.  Carpe diem is the answer.  Here are some of the specific elements of Spending carpe diem:

1. Stop measuring and reporting Budget deficits, trade deficits, and National Debt numbers.  These figures just get people rattled, needlessly so since they can do nothing about them.  Make these numbers “need to know” high-security clearance available only, mostly just accessible to Financial Ultra-geeks sworn to secrecy.

2. Ramp up all government spending on new bridges to nowhere, new interstate highways that can save 3-4 minutes on a 200-mile trip, new ditches needing dug, new painting of rusty stuff.  Expand these programs until we run out of bodies to do the work, even after importing all the illegal aliens who want to come here.

3. Get rid of all that Debt ceiling raising approval malarky.  It is undeniably a totally worthless process:  a bunch of knucklehead congresspeople pretending to be managing something that they’re not really managing.  Seriously?  Why expend energy on anything so meaningless?  Wheelspinning takes much too much work.  Raise it to infinity and forget about it.

4. Don’t fret about the kids/grandkids factor anymore.  Let them figure it out on their own when they get there.  Don’t spoil them with a cushy world that has all their problems solved.  Just makes them lazy.  Our forefathers had to fight to survive, eek out a living, solve major problems like all the manure buildup on muddy city streets; there’s very little manure on streets nowadays.  What other societal problems will the kids have to work on?  They’ll figure it out.

5. Give increases, perqs, and new benefits to all government civil servants.  They are, after all, servants of the people.  And even though they are servants, they almost never get a tip.  No 15% of the check, or 18% for parties of 5 or more.  All they get is a base wage, maybe some free coffee, doughnuts, a parking spot, and a couple dozen holidays per year.  We need to show them that we appreciate them.  No better way than boosting their salaries 20-25%.  It will make them happier, and certainly more productive as they push their endless piles of paperwork, file stuff by the traincar load, and unravel or re-ravel red tape.  And the raises will boost their demeanor as they don new smiling faces while dealing with citizens trying to get licenses, permits,and food stamps…no more of gruff old Bertha snapping heads off because their paperwork is filed incorrectly.

6. Expand all regulations and tighten all enforcement to provide jobs to permit writers, lawyers, and enforcement goons.  And, accompanying that will be new bulging administrative staffs to help these new government officials with various wiping functions.

7. Require every legal, semi-legal, and non-legal document to be notarized.  Make Notary Publics full time positions to increase jobs.  Establish some Notary-specialized colleges that offer advanced degrees in the art/science of notarizing.  Establish a new cabinet-level position, Secretary of Notarization Controls to ensure that non-notarized documents become a thing of the past.

The Spending Carpe Diem approach will reduce the stress and strain on stock markets worldwide.  With no data to get flustered about, markets can go back to just worrying about the success or patheticness of their respective business sectors.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the economic lessons.

Forward-thinking speechwriters in Washington are drafting up a speech to be delivered by the President in the near future with a working title “Return of the Malaise”.  It will borrow vignettes and excerpts from that classic speech by President Malaise in the late 1970’s that seemed to capture the hearts of manic depressives, Wall Street bears, dope-smoking left wing marxists, Cubs fans, and the whole whacko subculture across the land.  Back then, the Malaise Master-in-Chief just seemed to have his thumb on the pulse of the nation.  And then he followed it up with profound leadership that brought us hyper-inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, hostages captured in Iran, and a bumbling rescue attempt featuring helicopters crashing into each other.  Few other leaders in our history have been able to ultimately bring the nation together quite like he did.

Writers plan to develop an infomercial-type speech using exerpts from Return of the Jedi and other Star Wars clips and storylines.  They want to use the scene where Luke Skywalker gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, with a subliminal message that “these upcoming new taxes will feel like Washington is cutting off your hand, but we can sew-on a bionic hand, or at least a Hook temporarily to return some functionality to you.  And cover it in our new Health Care plan to boot!”  Writers also want to zero-in on the Darth Vader story:  good guy, turns very bad when he gets sucked into the Dark Side, then turns good at the very end of his life when he finally realizes what a numbskull he was.

The President believes that the best way to boost confidence is to start by driving down confidence as low as it will go…again, a page out of the Carter playbook.  He has said we’re off to a good start with the 10 percent unemployment, nationalizing banks and autos, the burgeoning National Debt, and continuing to have government focus on stuff unimportant to the public.  But he believes there is more, much more that can and must be done to get consumer confidence at an all-time low…so that any improvement will seem like a major boost.  He cites as example the recent decrease in the increase in unemployment claims.  “Harry Reid and the national media went into a frenzy about that!”

Writers are hesitant about using the term “Malaise” again, and are searching Thesauruses to discover another word that will be as memorable.  The Vice President suggested using the term “Cluster F*!#”, but the President allegedly told him, “Shut up, shut up, will you please just shut up….geez.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Complaints have been registered across the country pertaining to that sharp increase in the bothersome whooshing noise that cropped up on Sunday.  Ear Nose & Throat doctor offices have seen their waiting lines grow to a staggering half-block long.  But, unfortunately, the docs have been unable to offer their flustered patients any immediate remedy.

The Sucking Sound had been first warned by Ross Perot back in the Summer of 1992.  But his crackpot style made people refuse to take him seriously.  Nevertheless, he had forewarned of the Suckphonic Disturbance during campaigning, cautioning citizens to take action to prevent the calamity.  And for many years, although the suck became somewhat louder and louder, it had never quite reached the eardrum implosion level, until Sunday.

Several citizens complained that their wallets had literally gotten sucked out of their pants pockets as they walked along the sidewalk.  They would chase after the illusive sucked-away billfold, but when they caught up to it, all the bills had been sucked out, along with credit cards, medical insurance cards, and Lotto tickets.  Only photos of mama and condoms were left in the battered wallets.

Other citizens claimed that the giant suck pulled zeroes right out of their IRA’s, instantly turning $200 thousand balances into 20 bucks.  One guy claimed it sucked so hard on his 401-K that it took a positive $90 thousand balance and turned it into a negative 90K. 

“How can that happen?!?” screamed the outraged middle-aged investor.  “Easy,” his liberal/progressive congressman said.  “It’s called sharing the wealth, sharing the dream, giving the less-fortunate a leg up…and teaching you greedy bastards a lesson.  Complain a little louder, punk, and we’ll crank it up to Mega-Suck, and get your deficit into 6 digits. ”

Meanwhile, however, the loud sucking sound is getting irritating, even to the sponge crowd.  They would like the same suck, but just less noise.  Since no one knows how to do that, lawmakers are expected to approve a multi-billion dollar grant for a high-level research project to study Quiet Suck technology at a designated left-leaning elitist college.  The money will come out of the new Health care slush fund.

Bizarreville Loan & Savings has announced an exciting new program for their loyal customers, which they are calling their Pounce, Bounce and Punt program.  With this innovative program, a person will be able to run unlimited overdrafts on their checking account by simply signing a Promissory Note that their children will pay off the balance starting 20 years from now.  The children, of course, will also be responsible for paying the accumulated interest.  But BL&S bank officials say, “Hey, that’s 20 years from now.  Who knows what’ll be going on by then?”

This exciting new program will allow families to go ahead and buy that giant flat screen TV, go to dinner at Ruth’s Chris, buy that package of flying lessons, or take a cruise to Latvia…without having to sacrifice other necessary entertainment needs or make those silly, annoying trade-off decisions.

BL&S fully understands that there will be questions, so they have issued a Q&A package for their customers to ease their minds.  For example:  Q:  How can we get our 3-year old to sign the note; he can’t even write yet?  A: Parents just stuff a pen in his hand and move it to make an X on the signature line.  Q: What about my unborn baby, does she qualify?  A: Absolutely.  Mom can sign the form then press it against her belly for pseudo-confirmation.  Q: What if the kids don’t want to pay 20 years from now?  A: Worry about that later.  By then we’ll all be retired and holed-up in some low-budget nursing home.  Q: Who will fund this deficit of checkbook willy nilly spending?  A:  Not sure.  Probably the Chinese.  Otherwise, the bank may have to float some junk bonds, which will probably end up being worthless. 

Many conservative lawmakers are appalled at this reckless concept, and fear that it could start a new wave of spending irresponsibility, with devastating long-term effects.  But, when pulled aside, many privately say that they will be quickly signing up to do the Overdraft Mambo so they can finally replace their worn-out naugahyde living room couches and Pier One wicker end tables with something just a little less tacky.

Meanwhile, other Bizarreville banks are kicking themselves for being caught flatfooted on this brilliant idea, and are scrambling feverously to try and duplicate it.  One rival bank insists they will do “one better” by incorporating  Promissory Notes assigned to grandchildren who won’t even be conceived for another 20-plus years.  The innovative brilliance never ceases to amaze.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that sound like they could be real.