March 26th, 2010
The Giant sucking sound got louder
Complaints have been registered across the country pertaining to that sharp increase in the bothersome whooshing noise that cropped up on Sunday. Ear Nose & Throat doctor offices have seen their waiting lines grow to a staggering half-block long. But, unfortunately, the docs have been unable to offer their flustered patients any immediate remedy.
The Sucking Sound had been first warned by Ross Perot back in the Summer of 1992. But his crackpot style made people refuse to take him seriously. Nevertheless, he had forewarned of the Suckphonic Disturbance during campaigning, cautioning citizens to take action to prevent the calamity. And for many years, although the suck became somewhat louder and louder, it had never quite reached the eardrum implosion level, until Sunday.
Several citizens complained that their wallets had literally gotten sucked out of their pants pockets as they walked along the sidewalk. They would chase after the illusive sucked-away billfold, but when they caught up to it, all the bills had been sucked out, along with credit cards, medical insurance cards, and Lotto tickets. Only photos of mama and condoms were left in the battered wallets.
Other citizens claimed that the giant suck pulled zeroes right out of their IRA’s, instantly turning $200 thousand balances into 20 bucks. One guy claimed it sucked so hard on his 401-K that it took a positive $90 thousand balance and turned it into a negative 90K.
“How can that happen?!?” screamed the outraged middle-aged investor. “Easy,” his liberal/progressive congressman said. “It’s called sharing the wealth, sharing the dream, giving the less-fortunate a leg up…and teaching you greedy bastards a lesson. Complain a little louder, punk, and we’ll crank it up to Mega-Suck, and get your deficit into 6 digits. ”
Meanwhile, however, the loud sucking sound is getting irritating, even to the sponge crowd. They would like the same suck, but just less noise. Since no one knows how to do that, lawmakers are expected to approve a multi-billion dollar grant for a high-level research project to study Quiet Suck technology at a designated left-leaning elitist college. The money will come out of the new Health care slush fund.
