bizarreville

Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority.  They have stated that it is a program that no one wants:  businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan.  If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?

“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied.  “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed.  These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors.  They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.”  He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance.  These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.

“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter.  “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”

“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied.  “You gotta beef?  Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie.  No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders.  That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless.  After all, jobs are jobs.”

Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed.  He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction.  “Next step:  We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs.  The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more.  Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”

Taking a page out of the Al Qaeda playbook, Democratic leaders were able to successfully convince several senators to suicide bomb their careers by voting Yes on the Health Care bill.  These were senators whose home state constituents were overwhelmingly opposed to the bill, and who initially indicated that they would vote against it.  But, by using proven Al Qaeda-type brainwashing techniques learned during interrogations at Gitmo, the Dem leadership persuaded them convert to their way of thinking, and got them to agree to be thrown under the bus, careerwise.

But it did not come without cost.  Each trans-voter was promised 19 virgins who will be at their beck and call in their senate afterlife.  At the senator’s choice, they can be male, female, or a mix of both.  The virgins will be commissioned to satisfy any of the senators’ wild fantasies, some of which are expected to be quite bizarre.   Requisions for pudding-like food substances, pogo sticks, cases of lard, and air horns are among the items that have surfaced thus far in the negotiating process.

Some other senators have raised objections to the virgin handouts scheme.  They have cited that they have been dependable/reliable voters, toeing the party line, but are not being given these kind of perqs.  In fact, they say they get very little supplemental recognition, complaining that leaders are taking them for granted, and their votes for granted, just because they have no independent thought.  Dem leaders have responded that there is no truth to the charge, and assures them that there will be ‘severe repercussions’ if they ever get out of line.  “I think that proves we don’t take them for granted.”

Leaders are, however, considering throwing a bone to the steady-eddie senators.  “Maybe we’ll give them each a virgin or two to shut ’em up.”

Meanwhile, the soon-to-be-ex-senators are starting to announce resignation plans before the 2010 election process commences.  Their new lame duck status will allow them to totally disengage from senate activities, be able to spend time designing and building their new virgin playrooms, and most importantly, load up on ED meds.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

With Democratic members of Congress nestled tightly behind locked doors debating/negotiating final language in the upcoming Health Care bill, the public has been left wondering what monstrosity-from-the-deep will emerge.  Pundits have questioned why the process has been so secretive, particularly when the President promised that the negotiations would be transparent, with cspan television coverage.  Some in Bizarreville are saying this is yet another broken campaign promise, and the latest in the 2010 Misrepresentation Olympics.

A White House spokesman met with reporters yesterday and said that, yes, the President misspoke when he said it would be transparent.  He meant to say “translucent”, an easy and forgivable mistake for someone to make who is not an optical scientist.  The President apparently always gets the two words confused.  He said that the meetings are indeed translucent in that people know there that there are some people moving, shuffling, and fumbling around in the room, but they just can’t see what their doing or saying.  But, he said, you can probably guess that it has something to do with adding layers of bureaucracy, and piling up costs to fix something that isn’t broke…duh.

Reporters questioned why the meetings weren’t being covered by cspan, as the President had promised.  The spokesman indicated that cspan had brought in cameras and put on special frosted-glass type lenses to get the translucent effect…even had a few Aides watch it and comment.  “The picture was very blurry and just did not seem to be very effective,” he said.  “Plus, not having any audio made the whole thing seem like you were just watching a TV test pattern.”  Congress people had considered taking off the frosty lenses in order to have a clearer picture.  But it showed just a little too much intimate detail… a lot of touching, scratching, and pants dropping, that might not be considered appropriate for their PG-level viewership.

The spokesman said that the President is committed to having high levels of translucency in all policy matters during his administration.  “You might not be able to see the details, but you’ll know something is happening.  And that is what change is all about.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they are real.

Bumco Motivational Tools Inc has just launched its new line of hydraulically-operated motivational tools, specifically targeted to help citizens motivate their stubborn legislators who refuse to vote their constituency.  With more and more legislators choosing to be total ignoramuses on bills like the Health Care bill, Bumco feels the market for these new tools could explode.  They see expansion of the whole product line, including their high-performance “Wake Up Call” face slapper, and their classic “Anal Redriller”.

The Inept-o-vator 9000 has a number of new features, including a new special “Wanker” setting which can deliver 70 boots per minute to the new breed of pesky stubborn spacetakers who just won’t respond to the subtle approach.

Liberal critics point out that the Bumco tools are dangerous and have been known to create permanent physical damage to some unfortunate legislators.  But Bumco officials are quick to point out that when used properly, there will normally be no permanent damage unless the legislator continually refuses to heed the will of his/her people.  Bumco also points out that there have been rare cases when citizens have mispositioned their legislators on the unit, causing certain sterility issues.  And, bruising can happen if the targeted legislator has not yet developed sufficient ass lard.  So, the company has issued new operating instructions with pictures that “even a congressman could understand.

Bumco offers a satisfaction guarantee warranty that its products will provide proper motivation to even the thickest of the thick-skulled meat-heads.  Rather than money returns, Bumco promises to send out a team of technicians to properly set tool parameters and/or bring other Bumco Motivational Tools to the scene.  The bottom line, according to the company, is to get the job done.

A new, venture-capital financed startup is emerging on the scene to take full advantage of the new Bizarreville Health Care program – Placebo Brothers Medi-quirk (PBM).  The company will focus on development and marketing of new/better placebos which will be sold stand-alone, and also mixed in with generic drugs to reduce the cost of an average 30-day prescription.

Elmer Squirp, Marketing Director for PBM, says that studies have shown that most patients can’t tell the difference between real medicine and placebos.  Sprinkling in 25 to 30 percent placebos into a prescription will be unnoticable to Joe Average out there because the placebos will look and taste like the real thing.  Squirp says, sure Mr. Average may take a day or two longer to get over his ailment…but what’s the diff?  Furthermore, the placebos will allow the body’s own natural defense mechanisms to better kick-in, to attack the problem.

Squirp went on to say that the PBM principals presented their intriguing proposition to a group of elite liberal senators who promptly fell in love with the concept, and diverted a quick billion of stimulus funds to finance the venture.  “They told us this fits right in with the new government-run Health Care program, and helps reduce the multi-trillion dollar deficit that the Health Care program will be creating.”  The placebo program will also be properly rubbed in the noses of the prima-donna brand name drug companies and their high and mighty arrogance.  Squirp said that the Era of the Brand Name Drug, with their high-cost, smoke and mirror research and development mumbo jumbo, is quickly coming to an end.  PBM will be there to fill in the pill gap, so that the country will not run out of pills to take.

Critics say that this is yet another example of the “dumbing down” of the world’s greatest health care system, and turning it into a system that any 3rd world country would be proud of.  But PBM officials reply that patients are already dumb, they don’t read the labels or check out the side-effects on the Internet sites…they just pop the pills, brainlessly.

Meanwhile, the new PBM Marketing department is busy combing through 19th century advertisements for various snake oils and magic elixers, the golden age of chicanery.  They plan to roll out a separate product line of placebos touting it can ‘cure all ills of mankind, invigorate the soul, and reduce gas pressure’.  PBM expects to roll out the new line, tentatively called ‘Shmunx’, by Spring 2010.

Bizarreville Senate leader Harry Dweed has got the whole Health Care issue figured out.  He has, however, had to bank on a new, not yet fully recognized branch of Mathematics to make the numbers come out right…a branch he has named “Bizarreville Math”.  PhD mathematicians worldwide are scratching their collective heads to decipher the pretzel logic on this one.  It could be a candidate either for the Nobel Prize in Math, or the Gobel Prize in comedy.  We’ll see.

Dweed proposes to expand Medicare to people in the age group 55-64, whom he says desperately want to early retire from their boring, mundane 40 hour/week jobs.  “These people have golfing and gardening to do, and it’s getting harder to get it all done just on weekends,” Dweed advocated.

At the same time, Dweed proposed drastic cuts in Medicare coverage, such as limiting all hospital stays to 1 day max, and eliminating so-called “discretionary” procedures such as heart bypass surgery, hip replacements, and cataract surgery.  “There’s alternatives for all those procedures that are far cheaper,” said a lib senator who apparently owes Dweed a favor.  “My mother-in-law is a working example of 1 of those.  I just bought her a beautiful guide dog for 200 bucks.  That’s what we call ‘fiscal responsibility’ in our household.”

Dweed said that his program will make Medicare solvent once again, using Bizarreville Math concepts and fully endorsed by Bill Smith Accounting and Waste Disposal Services LLC.  Critics have challenged the analysis, but Bill Smith gave a simple answer on how it works.  “Senator Dweed just gave me the answer, and all I had to do was plug the numbers to make it come out right.  Could not have done this years ago.  But with new Microsoft Excel spreadsheet technology, it makes it so much easier to do the reverse math.”

Dweed responded that it’s not quite that simple.  He claims that he used sophisticated algorithms, linear regression, and multi-variate analysis of inputs to derive the proforma calculations.  “But I guess we came out with the same answer, so who cares?”

(thanks for the idea, Mark)

B-Mart, Bizarreville’s largest discount chain, unveiled a new exciting strategy yesterday – its plans for entry into the primary medical care business.  Company spokesmen indicated it fits extremely well with the new government health care program, which will be seeking high-volume, quickie-care providers to displace the soon-to-be-obsolete model of slower deliberate medical care.

B-Mart is particularly well-suited to this new model of care.  The company built its enormous business on providing cheap consumer crap to the masses.  “This is exactly what the new health system will be wanting…especially when demand skyrockets as whiney hordes want their noses wiped, just as more and more “conventional” doctors bolt and retire.  Someone needs to fill the void, and it might as well be us.”

B-Mart plans to displace their underperforming Auto Parts department with this new, fast-growth department.  “Who buys their own oil filters anymore?  Go to Jiffy Lube.”

B-Mart’s creative engineering team has come up with an innovative moving sidewalk approach to maximize patient throughput.  The people mover will be similar to what one might see at some airports today.  Patients will jump on board, and travel from station to station:

– Patient will swipe their credit card at the start, and punch the ailment button from a menu choice

– At the first station, vitals will be checked by an octogenarian quasi-nurse, just promoted from the Greeter job, and given an official looking nurse hat.

– Next station: urine test station, which may get a little tricky and will require some degree of coordination and dexterity to prevent making a disgusting mess.

– Pass through a combination x-ray/CAT scan machine for a quick flash.  The pictures are never developed nor used, but it gives the patient the confidence that something real is happening.

– A real doctor (not necessarily the brightest bulb in the fixture, but one who does have a bonefide shingle) will do what real doctors do:  look down your throat and ears, ask you to cough, thump a few things, then write down a lot of blurbage on a record of some sort.  If time permits, the doc may ask you what specifically your problem is, but this information is not critical to the overall process.

– An automated shot dispenser gives you one in the hiney of some predetermined concoction of goop.  Meanwhile an automatic printer spits out a fresh prescription for you to take over to the Rx counter.

B-Mart thinks they will revolutionize meatball health care just like they revolutionized mass junk retail.  They are thinking an introductory price would be $9.95 per visit…and that cost may even be picked up by the government in the Public Option.  Clearly, innovation is back in full swing at B-Mart and they are ready for the next wave of mass customers.

Bizarreville citizens are getting suspicious.  First it was the whole business of the Feds commissioning the medical study that ultimately concluded that women did not need annual mammograms, in fact did not need to even start until 50 years old.  Frustration could clearly be seen on the faces of Officials in the Health Dept, almost to the point of shock.  Later,  it leaked out that they were looking for a frequency of every 5 years, starting at age 60.

Soon after, another curious study showed up in press releases.  This one concluded that clipping toenails would prevent catching the flu…and this was much more effective than stupid flu vaccines at 25 bucks a pop.  The study also pointed out that toenail clipping was much lower risk than going to your doctor’s office and incubating in his germ-infested scuzz-bucket waiting room, departing with new ailments.

But then, a 3rd study was published recommending all citizens smoke at least 3 packs of cigarettes a day.  The stated rationale was that the enormous amount of inhaled tar essentially built an impenetrable protective shield, preventing nearly all types of parasites and microbes from entering the body.  Plus, the abundant poisonous additives mixed into the tobacco would be very effective killing cancer cells and other unwanted nasties.  The study further recommended that all restaurants revert back to putting No Smoking areas in lousy back corners of the room, like was done in the old days, thus flip-flopping the 2nd class citizen designation.

Skeptics say that these whacky studies do not pass the Smell Test…in point of fact, they smell like 6-month old stale liverwurst sandwiches stuffed in a gym locker with well-perspired undergarments.  Nevertheless, Bizarreville authorities have stamped the studies as “Official”, and are using the results to help mold the new upcoming Health Care program.  “Smells like money to me,” one official was quoted saying.

The new provision in the Bizarreville Health Care program forcing jail time on those who defiantly refuse to buy Health Care has set off a bit of a storm.  And rightly so.  The detractors correctly point out that prisons are presently over-crowded, which has allowed some thieves and murderers to be let out early…back on the street to their lives of pilfering, maiming, and other thuggery.  Critics argue that this new Health Care provision will just put more dirt-baggage on the street where gang goons are ready to swoop down and whisk them back to the nest.

But the clever legislators had already thought about that, and worked up a solution.  There will be considerable funding in the gradiose Health Care program to build a new nationwide array of jails for the new class of scofflaws…Health Care Ditchers Prisons.  Each will be a cookie-cutter replica of each other, with a moderate level of security to keep these rascals rounded-up.  And each prison will be fully staff to administer rehabilitative health care, and lots of it…daily checkups with lots of pokes and probes, enemas, generic drugs and placebos 8 times/day, bland healthy meals with lots of oats.  “We will drive this anti-health care behavior clean out of them, excuse the pun.  They will either learn to love it, or they will get more and more of it.  The most ornery will be put in solitary with a round-the-clock nurse, continually taking blood pressure and anal temperature.  We believe in rehabilitation, and the Health Care Ditcher Prison concept will make it happen.”

These Idealists believe that, once released, the Cons will rejoin society and pony-up for the health care insurance without gripes or acts of violent defiance.  “They may not go for all the supplemental coverages, but they will shell out for the Basic package, believe me.  That aggravating streak of independence will be mollified…replaced with a new sense of toe-the-line conformity.”

There will also be a Health Care Ditchers federal agency to manage and enforce the rules.  Already, the agency is gathering names of likely culprits.  They are particularly looking at Apple Computer users as a breeding ground, since these people in the past have typically exhibited severe conformity issues, and could be trouble-some.

Meanwhile, the agency is also developing a national advertising campaign to give all citizens fair warning.  It will be based on the theme tag line:  “Buy or Fry” …a message sure to convince the reluctant ones to sign up quickly for the health insurance program, whether they want it or not.

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO).  They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO.  “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us.  The PO will be a good thing.  It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.

Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO.  The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.

“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option?  You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options:  one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it?  Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.

“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones.  We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps.  Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.

“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs?  One?  Two?  Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye.  Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”

The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO.  But they said, “They just don’t understand.  They can keep their current Health plans.  The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option.  From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”

The Consortium responded, “Yeah, okay, ha-ha…okay it’s an Option.  We will most certainly consider that, and do a proper/thorough evaluation…sure will…just before flushing our programs down the Corporate toilet….ha ha ha ha…you guys really crack me up!”

The word is getting out that Taxes will go up if the new Bizarreville Health Care plan goes into effect.  Leaders previously promised no new taxes to fund Health Care, but then a local 5th grader found a mistake that the Budget Office made in their arithmetic.  The staff of PhD’s on the Bizarreville Economic Council were embarrassed, but said that the flaw was in their solar calculators due to all the overcast skies in the past couple weeks.

So now the Leaders are trying to figure who will foot the bill for the new funding needs.  They took a poll of the Citizens, who overwhelmingly voted to tax the Rich guys…percentage-wise, the vote was about 90 to 10.  Some pundits were concerned that this was the sixth time recently that taxes would go up on the Rich, and at some point that gravy train would need to end.  They said that the new tax would reduce jobs, as more and more companies would move investment outside of Bizarreville to more tax-friendly places.  They whined that you can’t keep giving all these other people free rides.

The Other side responded:  “Waaah, waaah, waaah…let’s all shed tears for the multi-millionaires.  Boo-hoo.  May have to get by with 4 butlers instead of the conventional 5.  May have to sell off one of the 8 Jags parked in the garage, the one that hasn’t been properly dusted in over a week (how gross).”  They responded that the Boards will just jack up their salaries higher to compensate for the higher tax anyway…the rich dudes may end up net ahead when all is said and done.  When asked about the impact on small business, they responded that the small guys are all getting Walmartized anyway…wake up, smell the decaf latte.

The Tax Fairness Congregate (TFC) said that Bizarreville is moving toward a culture of Tax Payers and Tax Consumers, a very dangerous trend, long term.  “More and more people are getting removed from the tax rolls via reduced rates, tax rebates for the untaxed, and a plethora of freebies, handouts, and bogus breaks.  It’s moving us rapidly toward socialism/marxism.”

TFC opponents, when asked about how they feel about Karl Marx, responded: “Was he the Italian guy with the funny hat, or the mute guy with the little honking horn?  No matter…Bizarreville could definitely benefit from a little more comedyism and humorism.”