bizarreville

Doctors across Bizarreville were surprised and shocked that the AMA came out in favor of Obamacare.  They asked how can this be true when 90% of doctors are totally opposed to this belligerent, radical takeover of the Health Care industry?  Many doctors are claiming they will retire when/if this nightmare comes true.  They are puzzled that the AMA somehow “doesn’t get it”, or has chosen to flip the bird to the people they represent.

The truth behind this story has been discovered.  Our investigative reporters have dug deep into the bowels of this issue, and found the facts.  Turns out, the members of the AMA Leadership Council were held up at gunpoint several weeks ago, while taking a casual stroll along the Potomac.  A masked man wearing an “Obama loves me” wife-beater shirt and smelling like a Liberal accosted them, threatening to take their $75 million funding away if they didn’t play ball.  One of the leaders became outraged and screamed ‘No way, Jose’….and he was promptly shot.  Luckily the assailant’s gun was a squirt gun, and he was shot with 12 ounces of horse piss.  But it ruined his suit, and the event was enough to terrorize the other wimpified AMA Leaders into blubbering a tacit acceptance of the gunman’s demands.

Even the sprayed doctor agreed to play ball after considering that the Obamacare thug might visit his personal home and spray his whole family, his Beemer, and his cigar humidor.  “You think it’s funny,” the sprayee cried.  “But let me tell you, that horse piss is nasty stuff and hard to wash off.  I can still smell it on that suit…had it dry cleaned twice and it still wreaks like formeldehyde or monofrodian moxolate….ugghhh!  Probably will have to give it to Goodwill.”

Many doctors across the land have pledged to drop their horse piss-tainted AMA membership in response to this weak-kneedness to stand up and fight for them.  “Hey, I’ll buy the doc a freaking suit,” one doctor yelled in anger.  When asked if he would be willing to buy the guy’s Beemer, however, he responded, “Probably not.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Last year, the President and his team had built an ugly junky car out of spare and scavenged parts from the worst cars in automotive history:  the Edsel, the AMC Pacer, the Plymouth Horizon, the Chevette, and many more.  The result?  Not only is it ugly, but it represents a compilation of the worst engineered components in modern auto history with a fuel tank ready to explode, window cranks that fall off, an air conditioning system that smells like Pittsburgh Steeler armpits, and body panel fit and finish only Rube Goldberg could love.  It is a genuine piece of unadulterated  $#!t.

But now, he is trying to sell it at a special White House car auction.  The bidders are not allowed to see the  $#!t-mobile, but can only base judgements on his verbal descriptions of the car, apply the “lying freaking politician” adjustment factor, then ultimately decide on whether to bid or not.  Most sensible enthusiasts have told him to fly the fabled kite…but there are some patsy-types that have indicated their pseudo-desire to participate.

The President has decided to be his own pitchman, and has gotten blanket media coverage pitching what he claims are the 3 important aspects of the new Obamamobile:

• First, it is the most reliable car of all time.  It has been specifically over-designed, over-developed, over-built, and over-tested to make sure it won’t fall apart on a lonely road.  Money has been no object in making a masterwork that cannot be bent or broken even when severely abused by Republican cowboys.  It is chock full of iron, gussets, torque arms, cross-frames, and fiddle flammers.
• Second, it is a style-setting classic, reminiscent of the 1940’s Packard Clipper, the 1950’s Studebaker Conestoga, the 1960’s Rambler Ambassador, or the Checker Taxicabs still in use today, and a design that Andy Warhol would have been proud of.  It will deliver the oooohs and aaaahs, when driven through your neighborhoods, as people smirk, snicker, smile, and point as you drive by.
• Third, it is a one of a kind investment that will escalate in value.  It is a much better than some quirky mutual fund recommended by a stockbroker whose performance has never beat an index fund, a bank CD that has to go to 4 decimal points before you get to a number other than zero, or a chunk of gold being hawked by G. Gordon Liddy.  It is a real hard asset that will rise exponentially in value as collectors clamor to buy it away from you.

It is not clear what may or may not happen once the “lucky” bidder sees his newly acquired treasure for the first time.  But an extra patrol of armed Secret Service agents will be on hand in case there is some unruliness after he realizes he’s been buffaloed…and will then escort him to the parking lot to help him into his new dreamboat.

Insiders indicate that the President is partly conflicted with his strong desire to unload this piece of crap on one hand, while feeling guilty of the unsavory process on the other hand.  But in the end, he rationalizes, the buyer will eventually get over it.  “People move on.  You can’t dwell on things forever.” 

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

The President called a Health Care Summit conference at the White House with a select panel of 5th graders who had been contestants on the TV show “Are you smarter than a 5th grader?”  He did this after coming to the conclusion/realization that a handful of 5th graders were smarter than the entire body of Congress put together, could probably cut through the mumbo jumbo, and develop workable solutions to the health care issue.  The President asked 4 questions for the 5th Graders to deal with.  Little 5th grader Billy Smith responded to the President on the first question:

Q1. How can we cut the cost of Health Care?

Billy:  Mr. President, well, what’s causing costs to go up so much, sir?

President:  Doctors are charging more and more for their services and procedures to help people get better, Billy.

Billy:  Well, why are they charging more and more?

President:  Because their costs keep going up.

Billy:  Why are their costs going up?

President:  Doctors say because Malpractice Insurance cost is rising so fast.

Billy:  What is Mel Crack Diss?

President:  Malpractice, Billy, is when people sue doctors because they think the doctor did something wrong when he was treating them.  They sue them for millions of dollars.  And they get the money because everyone figures it’s just the insurance company that will be paying it.

Billy:  My doctor is a pretty smart man, and a real nice guy.  He’s got 3 kids.  I don’t think he would do anything wrong.

President:  You’re right, Billy.  Almost all doctors are very good doctors and do the right thing.  It’s extremely rare when a doctor is truly negligent.  But still, people keep suing and suing and getting lots of money for it, regardless if the doctor really did something wrong.

Billy:  That doesn’t seem too fair.  If a doctor is trying hard and doing his best, he shouldn’t be punished for that.  I know when I get punished for something like leaving the seat up, and I didn’t do it, I get mad.

President:  Well, the doctor doesn’t really get punished.  It’s the insurance company that pays the tab.

Billy:  But didn’t you say that the insurance company just goes ahead and charges the doctor more money?

President:  Well, yes…

Billy:  Why can’t we stop people from getting lots and lots of money when the doctor didn’t do anything wrong in the first place?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We don’t want to stop people from being able to sue a doctor when he really did something that was grossly negligent.

Billy:  I thought you said that was extremely rare?

President:  Ummm, I did…..I did say that…uh…let’s see.  Well, it’s like this…you see, the lawyers…ummm…the lawyers find out about these cases by hanging around hospitals a lot.  Now the lawyers are very nice people too, you see….ummmm…I tell you what, let’s move on to the next question.

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

The President announced that he has scheduled a meeting with Republicans in Congress to air out their ideas on health reform.  He also indicated that he will be using the newly released Bumco “Deaf Ear Listener” unit during the meeting to help get him through the meeting he described as “potentially excuciatingly boring and anti-productive”.

The Deaf Ear Listener(DEL) is an innovative new product that appears to be ideal for Democrats in government.  It is a very small unit that fits snugly in each ear, camouflaged to look like excess ear wax buildup.  The DEL effectively blocks the wearer from hearing any external sound, while a small chip inside the unit gently plays “The Best of Bread” songs inside his/her ears.  It just came out and sells for $59.95 a set, but there is already a hefty order backlog.

Inside sources say that the President will maintain a pensive, thoughtful look on his face to make it look like he is actually listening to the Republicans.  A reporter asked about what the President will do if someone asks him a question.  “Simple,” the White House spokesman replied.  “He will just give some canned response that will have nothing whatsoever to do with the question asked…basically just like he does now.  It is doubtful that anyone will know the difference.”

The insider said it is important for it to look like the President is listening to contrary ideas, especially in front of cameras.  “But at the same time, all that squealling and chattering could potentially stress the President out…may even cause him to lose his appetite at dinner.  The DEL is an excellent choice to protect his health and well-being.  More American ingenuity at work!”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

A new, venture-capital financed startup is emerging on the scene to take full advantage of the new Bizarreville Health Care program – Placebo Brothers Medi-quirk (PBM).  The company will focus on development and marketing of new/better placebos which will be sold stand-alone, and also mixed in with generic drugs to reduce the cost of an average 30-day prescription.

Elmer Squirp, Marketing Director for PBM, says that studies have shown that most patients can’t tell the difference between real medicine and placebos.  Sprinkling in 25 to 30 percent placebos into a prescription will be unnoticable to Joe Average out there because the placebos will look and taste like the real thing.  Squirp says, sure Mr. Average may take a day or two longer to get over his ailment…but what’s the diff?  Furthermore, the placebos will allow the body’s own natural defense mechanisms to better kick-in, to attack the problem.

Squirp went on to say that the PBM principals presented their intriguing proposition to a group of elite liberal senators who promptly fell in love with the concept, and diverted a quick billion of stimulus funds to finance the venture.  “They told us this fits right in with the new government-run Health Care program, and helps reduce the multi-trillion dollar deficit that the Health Care program will be creating.”  The placebo program will also be properly rubbed in the noses of the prima-donna brand name drug companies and their high and mighty arrogance.  Squirp said that the Era of the Brand Name Drug, with their high-cost, smoke and mirror research and development mumbo jumbo, is quickly coming to an end.  PBM will be there to fill in the pill gap, so that the country will not run out of pills to take.

Critics say that this is yet another example of the “dumbing down” of the world’s greatest health care system, and turning it into a system that any 3rd world country would be proud of.  But PBM officials reply that patients are already dumb, they don’t read the labels or check out the side-effects on the Internet sites…they just pop the pills, brainlessly.

Meanwhile, the new PBM Marketing department is busy combing through 19th century advertisements for various snake oils and magic elixers, the golden age of chicanery.  They plan to roll out a separate product line of placebos touting it can ‘cure all ills of mankind, invigorate the soul, and reduce gas pressure’.  PBM expects to roll out the new line, tentatively called ‘Shmunx’, by Spring 2010.

A new book has been released by Bizarreville Press authored by Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, describing his painstaking journey from a career as a prestigious politician to a cheap skanky prostitute.  It is a career shift that few, if any, have made…and certainly no one has done it quite like Ben.  It’s great reading for the whole family and a lesson to the youngsters out there:  anything is truly possible if you have the will, a will that can overcome stupid things like scruples.

Many people are shocked and amazed that he would make such a change.  Others are amazed that anyone would pay for his services…whatever services those might be.  The intriguing story points out that the lives of politicians and prostitutes are not that much different from each other…both entailing much back-scratching, butt-scratching, and sucking…lots of sucking.  “You get what you pay for” is a theme that threads its way through the book, suggesting a thick wallet is the key to achieving high aspirations and/or getting a good ride.

The author points out that people make choices, and some of those choices can be difficult.  He brings in his personal experience voting for the Health Care Plan as one of the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life.  Nelson admits that he knew that the Plan was pure malarky, destined to literally destroy the world’s greatest health system.  Furthermore, he clearly understood that it would bankrupt the country’s financial system, already rocketing down the highway on a crash course.  He acknowledges that his constituents back in Nebraska overwhelmingly disapproved of the stupid Plan, and showered him with emails and phone calls, suggesting he might want to consider the bizarre concept of actually representing his people.  “But, man, when they brought in those exotic dancing girls who just kept pouring me great Champagne and tickling me with those feathery things…well, it made me realize we must live for today…just like the song…don’t worry about tomorrow.  It was one of those epiphany moments.”

The book concludes that sometimes Leaders must make tough decisions, ignoring their instincts, dismissing hard facts, pushing aside advice from trusted colleagues, and totally blowing-off the will of the people.  “That’s why they pay us the big bucks…as the old cliche goes.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that sound like they could really be true.

Bizarreville Senate leader Harry Dweed has got the whole Health Care issue figured out.  He has, however, had to bank on a new, not yet fully recognized branch of Mathematics to make the numbers come out right…a branch he has named “Bizarreville Math”.  PhD mathematicians worldwide are scratching their collective heads to decipher the pretzel logic on this one.  It could be a candidate either for the Nobel Prize in Math, or the Gobel Prize in comedy.  We’ll see.

Dweed proposes to expand Medicare to people in the age group 55-64, whom he says desperately want to early retire from their boring, mundane 40 hour/week jobs.  “These people have golfing and gardening to do, and it’s getting harder to get it all done just on weekends,” Dweed advocated.

At the same time, Dweed proposed drastic cuts in Medicare coverage, such as limiting all hospital stays to 1 day max, and eliminating so-called “discretionary” procedures such as heart bypass surgery, hip replacements, and cataract surgery.  “There’s alternatives for all those procedures that are far cheaper,” said a lib senator who apparently owes Dweed a favor.  “My mother-in-law is a working example of 1 of those.  I just bought her a beautiful guide dog for 200 bucks.  That’s what we call ‘fiscal responsibility’ in our household.”

Dweed said that his program will make Medicare solvent once again, using Bizarreville Math concepts and fully endorsed by Bill Smith Accounting and Waste Disposal Services LLC.  Critics have challenged the analysis, but Bill Smith gave a simple answer on how it works.  “Senator Dweed just gave me the answer, and all I had to do was plug the numbers to make it come out right.  Could not have done this years ago.  But with new Microsoft Excel spreadsheet technology, it makes it so much easier to do the reverse math.”

Dweed responded that it’s not quite that simple.  He claims that he used sophisticated algorithms, linear regression, and multi-variate analysis of inputs to derive the proforma calculations.  “But I guess we came out with the same answer, so who cares?”

(thanks for the idea, Mark)

Momentum for the Health Care Public Option is gaining public support every day as more and more groups realize how the new system will truly help them in their own unique and clever ways.  Bizarreville legislators are pleased that people are finally seeing their wisdom and foresight in pushing to make this happen.

For example, the Maligno crime family who also runs Bizarreville’s largest black market operation has come out in strong support of the Public Option (PO).  “We guys have not been so happy since the family first heard about Prohibition in the 1920’s.  This could be bigger den dat,” said Dino Maligno on behalf of the family.  The organization has already gotten busy working on the logistics for the underground prescription distribution centers and regional sales rep training.

The Jeez Yacht Company forecasts huge sales increases, as Doctors (their core market) say “Screw it”, decide to retire, and start heading for Florida.  Yacht volume had dropped in recent years as more doctors kept working into their 70’s…say bye-bye to that trend…and hello to the Cayman Islands.

Queue Ball Inc, the company that makes those cattle gates used mostly at theme parks, is projecting rapid growth for newly installed cattle systems in remaining doctor offices.  For years, this had been a highly mature industry.  But now it is expecting to see growth like they saw in the 60’s, and are pushing hard to get the PO passed.

Bizarreville’s Reemer Paper Corp is excited about the PO for many reasons, mostly because of the tons and tons of paper that will be demanded for new forms, policies, procedures, approval vouchers, reconciliations, and the “beautiful bureaucracy” that ensures that their paper machines will be running full for years to come.  Reemer has taken it a step further, by embarking on a 20% capacity expansion program, driven solely by the belief that the Public Option will pass…now that’s confidence.  A subsidiary of Reemer, Red Tape Inc., has seen burgeoning growth in early 2009.  They see the PO as being a huge consumer of red tape, even bigger than the impact of the stimulus bill, and has added an extra shift in order to be ready.

The Holistic Healers Association foresees huge gains in their business from patients who are sick and tired of waiting in endless lines at their MDs.  The HHA is dreaming up newfangled treatment options for this expected onrush, and will be ready with all-new chants, freshly concocted herbal remedies, pin-stabbing strategies, and arm-pumping analytics to be fully prepared when the flood hits them.

SnoozeMaster, the inventor of the office waiting room recliner chair, thinks the PO could open the flood gates for their new patented product lineup.  Their new DozeKing chair is ideally suited for 2-3 hour waits, and comes with a no-backache guarantee.  Economic experts who know the office waiting room market, however, warn that the PO will probably generate more Standing Room traffic than sitting down traffic, and caution about exuberence in the Office Seating business.  “May see some waiting room seating growth in the high-end doctor office sector…but come to think of it, those guys will probably close shop.  Best advice:  wait and see.”

The current health insurance companies, which of course will quickly be driven out of business by the government “option”, are still basically against passage of the PO.  But they are starting to look at it from a positive standpoint.  For example, all their employees will end up getting jobs in the enormous, bloat-staffed PO offices.  And will probably wind up with increased salaries, since there will be no real market forces holding down costs.  Meanwhile Health insurance execs will move on to other branches of the insurance industry (auto, home, life) all of which should benefit from the so-called Frustration Factor.  Basically the only losers will be the Health insurance shareholders, but response has generally been, “So what?  Who gives a  f%$@  about those  as$!*&es  anyway?”

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs.  It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.

Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax.  If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements.  If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons.  It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.

Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out.  Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options:  the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.

Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month.  Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In.  But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.

There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points.  But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.

Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday.  This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed.  Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway?  What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something?  We need to expunge that day for sure.”  Others chimed in,  “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest?  Who harvests anymore?  We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket.  I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves.  Yeah, that’s been good.”  Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.

If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants.  Stay tuned.