October 27th, 2009
Opt-In/Opt-Out expanded to paying taxes, obeying traffic signals
In an effort to give people more choice in their lives, Bizarreville Legislators are rolling out Opt-In/Opt-Out provisions for certain programs. It is certain to be a winner with people plain tired of being told what to do.
Citizens will be able to Opt-In/Opt-Out of paying income tax. If Opt-In, they will pay tax as normal, but with a 1% surtax to cover the cost of new program elements. If Opt-Out, a citizen will be able to just Go to Jail directly and start doing his/her time without the bothersome hassle/delays of a jury trial…not having to put up with the stupid antics of lawyers fiddling about, a common complaint among cons. It’s an attractive convenience option for those who want to get on with it.
Citizens can Opt-In to government health care, or they can just Opt-Out. Fortunately the Opt-Out progam has 2 options: the “Gold” program which allows citizens to buy their own insurance for $5 thousand/month…or the “Brown” program which is totally free, and as a bonus, includes a free prayer book for the late night bedside vigils at home, and a 6-ounce package of fairy dust.
Bizarreville citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out to obeying traffic signals, starting the 1st of next month. Polls suggest that the majority of people will Opt-In. But police officers warn that if you choose to Opt-In, you will be ticketed if you run a red light, Opt-outers will not…so think carefully before you make your annual selection.
There was much Opt-ing discussion on the subject of public urination. Both sides made good points. But no consensus could be drawn, so that particular item has been tabled.
Citizens can Opt-In or Opt-Out of considering Thanksgiving a national holiday. This came up after the Moms complained that they were sick and tired of cooking huge, fattening meals all day, while Dads watched the pathetic Lions play football…then everybody fell asleep from tryptophan poisoning before the dishes could be washed. Then the Bosses all wondered, “How did the Friday after Thanksgiving ever become a national holiday, anyway? What is it…National Shopaholic Day or something? We need to expunge that day for sure.” Others chimed in, “And Thanksgiving itself…what is it…giving thanks for a great harvest? Who harvests anymore? We just go to the Super Wal-Mart and fill up the basket. I guess we could be thankful that they now have those larger shopping baskets with better-aligned wheels, that don’t keep steering into the shelves. Yeah, that’s been good.” Legislators saw a King Solomon moment here, and decided to make Thanksgiving holiday an “Opt”.
If Opt-ing catches on, they’ve got more to consider in the future, such as carding in bars, allowing obscenities to be broadcast on TV, and offering free water in restaurants. Stay tuned.
